“Maybe not. But Candy, he looks to you as much as he does to her.”
Candace groaned.
“What is it?” Pearl asked. “Are you worried that Jessica wants more from you?”
“No,” Candace answered. “I’m not.”
“Candy?”
“Pearl… My being in the equation…”
“Candy, you can’t protect Grant and you can’t feel guilty because he looks to you.”
“That’s not…”
“That’s exactly what this is—guilt. What on earth should you feel guilty for?”
“He’s still timid with Jess—afraid somehow he will lose her too, let her down.”
Pearl shrugged. “That’s their issue to settle.”
“One that I’m complicating.”
“I see.”
“You disagree.”
Pear shrugged again. “Jonah has issues with Jonathan.”
“Yes?”
“You haven’t tried to keep Jameson at a distance from him.”
“What does that have to do with Grant?”
Pearl shook her head. Candace had an uncanny ability to understand people in most instances. Pearl had watched Candace navigate many minefields in relationships both professionally and personally. It was interesting to her that when it came to Grant Hill, Candace seemed to have a blind spot. She understood the cause. Pearl knew that Grant was a symptom of a road block Candace was ready to place in her path. Candace was afraid; afraid that wanting to be president was selfish. That only served to conjure more guilt. She needed to get Candace to see it.
“You need to let it go,” Pearl said.
“What’s that?”
“This idea that it is your fault somehow that Grant felt the need to conceal his relationship with Jessica.”
“It is my fault.”
“That’s a load of malarkey.”
“Is it?” Candace challenged Pearl.
“It most certainly is. If Jessica hadn’t been with you, she would have been with some other powerful woman and you know it.”
“But she was with me.”
“And?”
“Pearl, I am the poster child for the right wing’s target practice.”
“I’d say more like their pin-up girl.”
Candace rolled her eyes.
“So, what? Do you honestly think his adoptive parents would have embraced Jessica had she been with someone else?” Pearl said. “He decided to keep it from them. Grant wasn’t a little boy when you met him.”
“You sound like Jameson.”
“She’s right.”
“He was still young and vulnerable.”
“Because aging makes you less vulnerable?” Pearl challenged Candace.
“You know what I mean!” Candace argued.
“I suppose, I do. The point is that he has had years to make a different choice.”
“He’s been trying to shift things slowly…”
“If you think the only reason Grant Hill stayed at FVI was to martyr himself for your cause, you have a bigger blind spot than I thought.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that he stayed there to play it safe.”
“There isn’t anything safe about what he has been doing,” Candace said flatly.
“But you let him do it.”
Candace sighed. “I wish I hadn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because look where it led!”
“Blinders.”
“Excuse me?”
“You—you have blinders on,” Pearl said.
“I do not.”
“Yes, you do. They’re coming after you, Candy—not Grant. He just got caught in the crosshairs.”
“That makes me feel better,” Candace replied sarcastically.
“I’m not trying to make you feel better.”
Candace chuckled.
“I’m telling you to stop blaming yourself for what happens to everyone else. That’s what you would tell every one of us. And, stop thinking you know what’s best for all of us too.”
Candace sighed.
“You can’t fix it all. The only thing you can do is what you’ve always done.”
“What’s that?”
“Stay true to who you are,” Pearl said. “Take off the blinders, Candy. Both where Grant is concerned and where you are.”
“Where I am?”
“Right. You want this. You can say that you are hopeful. You can say that you will give it your best. You want this. You want to win.”
Candace closed her eyes.
“And, that is why you feel so damn guilty because it’s something you want for yourself.”
“It’s selfish,” Candace mumbled.
“The hell it is.”
Candace looked up with surprise.
“It’s not selfish to want something you deserve.”
“I’m not sure I deserve to be president.”
“I know,” Pearl smiled. “That’s partly why you deserve to be there. If you want to do right by all these people, Candy—let them do right by you. It’s their turn to stand up and fight for you. Let them. That includes all those kids.”
“Pearl…”
“Candace,” Pearl began. Candace’s eyes immediately began to water. “I’m going to tell you something right now. You listen good. I love my kids. I love your kids. I loved my husband. I loved my daddy and your grandmother. There is not a soul on this earth I could love more than you—not one. I’ve never sought to explain it. I don’t need to.”
Candace’s tears began to fall.
“You’re my daughter in every way that matters. I would walk through the fires of hell for you. I know you better than anyone, except Jameson. And, I’m willing to bet she will tell you the same thing I am telling you now. You came into this world wanting to make it better. That’s who you are. You think someone taught you that. You think your granddad inspired it or I did somehow. You’re wrong. We nurtured it. That’s all we did. We just loved you for who you were and let you be Candy.”
“You did a lot more than that.”
“No. We guided you just like you guide those fools back home,” Pearl winked. Candace chuckled through her tears. “This is your time, Candy. Maybe it feels selfish to want something solely for you. It’s never solely for you,” she said. “Because you aren’t Lawson Klein. You are Candace Reid. Don’t you ever forget it.”
“It scares me.”
“I know. You forget how many people love you.”
“No, I don’t,” Candace said. “That’s what makes it so hard.”
“Mm. You love hard, Candy. You always have. It’s why people stay in your life. You let them fly but you always keep watch in the distance. You don’t know how to do anything halfway, least of all love. Let them love you as much. They want to see you fly too.”
Candace sniffled back her tears. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’d eat a lot more of that crap in front of you. And, you’d have less money after all the babysitting fees.”
Candace laughed. “I love you, Mom.”
Pearl allowed a few tears to fall. “I love you too, Candy. Don’t forget that.”
“I won’t.”
***
“How was your day at headquarters?” Jameson asked Michelle.
“Pretty uneventful.”
“Everything okay?”
“Everything is good.”
Jameson sipped her beer without comment.
“Mom checking up on me?” Michelle guessed.
“No,” Jameson replied.
“You’re checking up on me?”
“Maybe I am.”
Michelle smiled. “I’m okay, JD. So is Mel.”
“Yeah, I know Mel is okay.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I saw her earlier today when I stopped by the firm to drop off some things.” Jameson could tell Michelle was curious. “She was almost bouncing,” Jameson chuckled.
“Really?”
Jameson nodded.
“Huh,” Michelle muttered.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Like me saying no would stop you.”
Jameson shrugged. “Are you nervous?”
“About what? The campaign?”
Jameson shook her head.
“Oh, you mean about getting knocked-up.”
“Classy, Shell,” Jameson laughed.
Michelle grinned. “No.”
Jameson smiled wanly.
“JD?”
“I was just curious.”
“What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing, why?”
Michelle narrowed her gaze. “Bullshit. What’s up?”
“You were a little emotional the other night. I just wondered how you were doing with the decision.”
Michelle nodded. “I didn’t want Mel to be disappointed. She’s always wanted to have a baby.”
“And you didn’t?”
“I don’t know. I never thought about it a lot. I mean, yeah—I’ve always wanted a family. I guess I never thought about how that would happen.” Michelle chuckled. “Now? I’m kind of looking forward to it. I just hope she is too.”
“I think you can rest easy there.”
Michelle smiled. She watched Jameson as Jameson sipped her beer quietly. “JD? What gives?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why so much baby talk?”
Jameson shrugged.
“Oh shit. Don’t tell me you’ve got the bug?!”
Jameson nearly spit out her beer. “What?”
“You want to have one; don’t you?”
“No,” Jameson put her beer down and her hands up.
“What gives?”
Jameson sighed.
“JD?”
“I guess, sometimes I just feel like I missed a lot.”
“You mean not having a baby?”
Jameson shook her head.
“Oh,” Michelle surmised the issue. “You mean never having one with Mom.”
Jameson kept her eyes on the bottle in her hand.
“But you do.”
Jameson smiled. “It’s not about Coop.”
“Yeah, I think I get that.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. You see all of us having babies. That’s a huge part of Mom. It’s a huge part that you missed.”
Jameson would not meet Michelle’s gaze.
Michelle reached over and took Jameson’s hand. Not for the first time, she found herself blown away by the reality of how much Jameson loved her mother. “She’s lucky,” Michelle said.
Jameson looked up.
“I get it,” Michelle said. “I really do, JD. For what it’s worth, I’ll bet she’s thought about that plenty too.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“I do. Have you told her?”
Jameson nodded. “That I wished I could have seen you guys grow up sometimes? Yeah.”
Michelle shook her head. “No, I mean that you wish you could have done that with her—had that experience with her.”
Jameson shrugged.
“Why not?” Michelle asked.
“She’ll think that means I want to have one.”
“Why don’t you? Just curious,” Michelle asked.
“Shell, I’m forty. Your mom is likely to become the president, and we have a five-year-old already.”
“And?”
“And?” Jameson laughed. “That’s not enough for you?”
“It’s not about me. It’s about you.”
“See? The minute I say something everyone thinks I want something else.”
Michelle smiled. “Maybe you don’t, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to think about wanting it. Hell, with all these babies how could it not enter your mind?”
“That’s the thing, Shell. It never did.”
“Until now?”
“No… It isn’t that. I’m happy with the way things are. I just…”
“What?”
“I guess I feel a little jealous sometimes.”
“I think you should talk to Mom.”
“She has enough on her plate without worrying about something she doesn’t need to worry about.”
“Well, you know Mom. She’ll figure it out one way or another. She always does.”
“Shell, I don’t want to have a baby.”
“Yeah, so you said.”
“Seriously. You’re not getting it. It’s not about me wanting to have a baby. It’s about missing it with her.”
Michelle thought for a moment. She shook her head and sighed. “I do get it, JD.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. When Mel and I were first talking about having kids, we… Well, the plan was for her to have them—at least to have the first one.” Michelle closed her eyes for a minute. “I started picturing that; you know? I mean, what it would be like to put my hand on her stomach and feel our baby move. Sappy, huh?”
“No.”
“I guess that’s why I’ve been sort of emotional. I think I fell in love with that idea.”
“I understand,” Jameson said. “But you still get to have that with her, and she’s on top of the world about it.”
Michelle smiled and nodded. “So am I. I guess it took you telling me this to realize what really matters.”
Jameson winked. “Your welcome.”
“Ha-ha. I still think you should talk to Mom.”
Jameson sighed.
“Seriously, JD you might forget sometimes how much Mom loves you too. She wouldn’t want you to keep it inside.”
“We’ll see.”
“Well, in the meantime, you can buy me another beer.”
Jameson laughed. “Is that so?”
“Yeah, I’m getting my fill while I can.”
“On my dime.”
“You are the parent.”
Jameson laughed. “And you wonder why I wouldn’t want any more?”
Michelle grinned.
“Beer it is,” Jameson said. She got up from her seat and headed to the bar.
Michelle watched Jameson in the distance. She realized for the first time how much had fallen in Jameson’s lap, how much Jameson’s world had changed since falling in love with her mother. Michelle hadn’t taken much time to think about Jameson’s reality. She and Jameson had clicked immediately. They’d been close from the beginning of Jameson’s relationship with Candace. Michelle never took much time to think about the age difference that separated Jameson and her mother. They fit. They belonged together. Twenty years was a significant difference. Michelle could imagine that watching Candace’s children all begin families, watching Cooper grow—it had to make Jameson wonder about a lot of things. She imagined that her mother thought about the same things, just from a different perspective. Talk to her, JD. Just talk to her.
Chapter Nine
Agent Alex Toles closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. She was not looking forward to the conversation she was about to have with the governor of New York, not even a little bit.
“You look like hell,” Candace observed as she entered the room.
“Thanks,” Alex opened her eyes.
Candace took a seat across from Alex and smiled. “Let’s have it.”
“I think our guy is close. By that, I mean close to you.”
Candace nodded. “You actually think I’m in danger? We haven’t had any threats that have been viewed as credible. And, trust me; with Jed Ritchie and Lawson Klein out doing the two-step together about my ineptness, there have been plenty of promises to show me the light.”
Alex sighed. “He won’t come directly to you,” she said. “It’s not about you.”
“You lost me, Alex.”
“The press has been all over my story,” Alex said. “My history with Cassidy and with John.”
“Yes, I know,” Candace said.
“It’s not a secret that we’ve been friends over the yea
rs.”
Candace began to follow Alex’s reasoning. “He’s taunting you.”
“I think so. Cass is too far out of his reach. He’s close to you—in proximity, I mean. Like I told you, I think it might be someone in your orbit; someone that means something to you. You are in the spotlight. He wants that. You’re in… Well, you’re convenient—no offense.”
Candace grinned. “None taken.”
“He’s here, Candace—in Albany.”
“Are you sure?”
Alex nodded. “He’s within twenty miles of the airport. It’s just a matter of where. We’re searching hotels, but so far? Nothing. Which means he’s likely renting or purchased something. That could be harder to pin down.”
“Do you know who he is?”
“Yes and no.” Alex handed Candace a photo of her suspect, Jack Carter.
“John (Jack) Carter? Is this the killer?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Explain.”
“We have three names to run down.”
Candace narrowed her gaze. “You have three potential suspects?”
“No.”
“He has three aliases?”
“Maybe,” Alex said. She watched as Candace’s eyebrow arched in challenge. “He could be working with someone. We’re working on some Pennsylvania databases now.” Alex handed Candace another photo. “That’s Brad Lawson. This is the most recent photo the DMV had on file.”
“You think they are both involved?” Candace tried to understand.
“That’s a possibility. I think one person might be giving cover to another. They’ve been friends since their teens. Listen,” Alex said. “He doesn’t have to go after you to get the notoriety you bring. Like I said before, it could be anyone close to you, even someone working on your campaign, a member of your staff.”
“We don’t have the resources to watch everyone who might be considered close to me. I asked Shell to stick close to campaign headquarters and keep her eyes open. Although, I’ll be honest, Alex your news is making me rethink that decision. I’ll pass this along to the paid staff. But you need to know; we already have a tribe of people coming and going. That’s the nature of a campaign. It’s the nature of an open society.”
“I know. I want to put some eyes closer,” Alex said.
“Someone to pose as campaign staff?”
Alex nodded. “It can’t be me or Claire.”
“No, I wouldn’t imagine so. FBI agents?”
“Yes. I have two agents that will be there in the morning. It’s important that no one knows who they are, not even Shell.”
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