“To be honest I am. Not about the idea of marrying, but afraid that it isn’t the right person. I guess all couples think that.” I nod unsure how to respond. I am too scared that he isn’t marrying the right person.
“I’m scared too. I’m scared that I will never be able to feel this again. This perfect space and silence with someone. I’m scared that Jake is cheating or has been. I’m scared I won’t make it thru the ceremony tomorrow.” I feel a wet drop, looking up to the sky I see no indication that it is supposed to rain. I look up and see that it is coming from Brandon’s eyes. Oh my god he is crying. Shit.
“I know.” We lay like this until I feel the heaviness in my eyes and am out before I’m able to retreat back inside. I dream about Brandon that night, but I feel like it was the closure that I needed. I’m jolted awake though. I see the sun shining and squint my eyes. I’m trying to figure out why it’s so bright. I hear the moan of my name and realize we both feel asleep on the hammock last night. I shot up just as Ashley walks outside.
“Lannie, where the hell have you been? Rhonda’s freaking out up stairs.” I start laughing when she slides me over and sees Brandon sitting up just as confused as I was.
“Lannie?” I shake my head no. She sighs a relief.
“Brandon you may want to go home and get ready for your wedding.” He nods as he walks towards the gate and me to my house. I stop and run over to him. Ashley just shakes her head as she heads back inside. I need on more hug. He doesn’t want to let go neither do I as we both know when we do it will be different. We finally pull apart as I catch the tear sliding down his cheek.
“Lannie, I will always love you.” With that he walks out of my yard to get ready for his wedding. I do the same. Today was going to entitle a lot of drinking that was for sure.
The flowers line the middle of the aisle, the ribbon hangs so beautiful draped on the pews. I stare in a mirror that is showing me a girl that I have not seen before. The dress is stunning; my hair is done in a way that I didn’t know hair could be done. And as for my makeup it’s a natural pink look. I look fake. I roll my eyes as I go in search for the box that contains my shoes. I told Rhonda I would be back, but really I need fresh air. She’s gorgeous in her dress and I still couldn’t believe that it was her and not me. I just have to keep my cool. It shouldn’t be hard standing behind her staring at Brandon as he says the vows that will bind there love together forever.
“Lannie?” I jump at the voice. I was so busy in my own world that I didn’t hear footsteps. I turn to see Gage there.
“Hey, have you seen a box with my name on it? It contains my shoes.” He laughs and hands me a different box.
“This isn’t mine.” He chuckles again.
“Yeah it is. I purposely hid the other box. This is a birthday/sorry/I’m a jerk gift, from Jake.” Is he for real? I open the box and I can’t believe that this is the second time he remembered.
“Marc Jacobs sliver glitter pumps.” I whisper. God they were stunning. I slip my feet into them and it wasn’t like normal heels it felt like heaven and my feet were made for these. I then turn to look in the mirror.
“Now who is a pretty bridesmaid? Those shoes are killer. Lannie can I ask you something?” I’m scared. A simple nod was all I could do.
“What does it feel like? To stand here and watch the one person who has always held your heart, marry someone that isn’t his true love? You look so brave and I know you have Jake, but deep down I see the sadness in both of you guys eyes. When I say both I am talking about Brandon and you, not Jake.” It’s already been emotional day. This is the cherry on top.
“I would be lying if I say I’m not scared. What can I do? It is what it is. We can’t choose the path that our lives go down, but we can only control it.” He shrugs his shoulders and then pulls me into a hug.
“Well better get back to the groom. See you at the alter La.” I laugh as I walk in with my new heels back to the room. I walk slowly back to the room afraid that I’m going to be early and have to hear everything. I step into the room and Rhonda glances down at my feet and isn’t impressed. I look around and see all the other girls in sliver heels so what is wrong with mine. She walks to me and stares.
“I thought you said that you have shoes like Ashley?” Wow bridezilla is for sure.
“I did, but then I lost my box and ran into Gage. Jake bought these for me to wear. There silver. They just have a little bling. I can bling the top of your dress out and that way it matches if you want. This brand of shoes means something to me and for my boyfriend to make sure I have those means a lot to me.” I don’t want to ruin her day. She looks back at her friends and Ashley is by my side holding my hand.
“Can you guys give Lannie and me a minute alone please?” They all shuffle out the door and I think she is going to lay into me, but she doesn’t. She hands me her dress and I go to work.
“Lannie, am I doing the wrong thing?” I stop and look up to her. She is serious.
“Do you love Brandon? Do you think about him day and night? Do you feel the air become thick and you instantly know that he is there because of the connection between you too that so strong?” She smiles at me and nods.
“Well than no I don’t think you are doing the wrong thing.” I go back to sewing gems onto her dress.
“Do you love him?” I assume she means Jake.
“Yes I do love Jake.” I finish the last gem and help her into it. I look at her face and then it hits me.
“Rhonda, It doesn’t matter whether I love him or not. All that matters is that he loves you and you love him. What other people think and do is none of your guys business.” I go to let the others in, but she stops me.
“Lannie, I need to know. I need the truth for once. Please. It won’t change my mind. I promise I just need to know.” I swallow, how in the world do I tell her I love her soon to be husband?
“I do. I love him and I think that a part of me will always love him. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have or love Jake. I do. So go marry him, he is lucky to have you.” She hugs me and smiles as we exit the room and head towards the ceremony. I just keep telling myself one foot in front of the other. Simple. One foot in front of the other. We reach the part where the bridesmaids come thru one door and the groomsman come thru the other and meet in the middle and walk down the aisle together until they reach the stage and separate. I am lucky number one since the maid of honor got food poisoning. I’m meeting up with Gage. Ashley wasn’t that thrilled, but it’s his best man and now that I’m now the maid of honor we get to. She did tell me she was happy it was me not the other one. The music starts and I glance behind me at Ashley and then Rhonda. She nods at me as silently telling me she is okay. I open the door and I’m more focused on Gage right now. I cannot look up there for if I do I may break. I feel the tears welling up and I’m slapped in my heart one last time. It’s real. He is not marrying me, but her. I reach Gage who sees my eyes and he knows. I take his arm and we turn to face the stage. My head is bent down.
“Lannie, there is people taking pictures you have to raise your head.” Gage whispers into my ear. I take a deep breath and when I raise it I forgot how to walk. There he is, he stands so tall on the stage, wearing a tux, with his haired fixed neatly. He has been staring at me because when I raise my head our eyes locked instantly. I have the urge to cry, but I hold it together somehow. Gage is guiding me when we reach the stage I see the moisture in Brandon’s eyes and it makes it that much harder to control my crying. We separate and I stand in a spot that would break the remainder of my heart. I stare at him as I know Rhonda isn’t due to walk down yet. He steals small glances and one time I see the tear slide down his cheek. This right here was our goodbye and it was the hardest one yet. I nod at him because I don’t know what else to do. The music blares and they play Bob Carlisle Butterfly Kisses as Rhonda is being walked down by her dad. I stare at her or at lease my head does my eyes are trained on Brandon. I pretend that the tear that has escaped my
eye is for Rhonda when it isn’t. It is actually for the breaking and shattering of my heart that once was so strong is now nothing and I feel as though it may never be.
“Who gives this bride to this man?” I’m tuning things out because that was it. I stood there staring at Brandon. Ashley touches my hand and I hold hers. I was losing it. The pastor was going on and on about their love, happy, and together. I hate that I’m the girl who ruins it. During the ceremony I see Brandon take glances at me and apparently Rhonda does to. At one point my head is looking at my shoes and she turns to see I’m not looking. That was a breaking point I am sure.
“We will begin with the vows now. Rhonda you may go first,” She nods at him. I know that once this is over it’s the "I DO’S" and then there married.
“Brandon, do you love her?” The whole auditorium gasped as she speaks. I shoot my face up staring at him in the eye. Brandon lie. He closes his eyes and opens them up and everyone is on edge staring and waiting. They don’t know who “her” is, but damnit I do.
“Rhonda.” She cuts him off.
“Don’t lie to me. She didn’t lie to me when I asked her. I need to know the truth. Do you love her Brandon?” His eyes dart to me and back to her. Right there unknowingly he just gave her the answer.
“Rhonda, I do. But the love that I have for her and the love I have for you are different. It is complicated, but it’s you.” She turns to me and I see sad, but happy in her eyes. She hugs me and looks up to me.
“He isn’t my happily ever after and I’m starting to think that he never was. He is yours. Don’t let him slip away because the next girl may not care that the man she is about to marry is really standing there crying because he will lose the one he’s supposed to marry. I’m not stupid. The sadness and the glances to you is all over his face. I’ve known him since college. I will be here for you Lannie. But I am going to go ahead and leave.” She hugs me, kisses Brandon’s cheek. And walks off stage and out the door. Brandon stands there unsure on how to react as all of us are. Ashley grabs my hand and drags me out of the church as I see Brandon runs after not me, but Rhonda. I am standing outside the church as we wait for Gage to figure out what to do. I’m smoking cigarette after cigarette unable to process what just happened. Ashley heads inside to see what to do. I on the other hand am watching the guest come out one by one. I feel the drop of the rain. I should do what most people do and get under somewhere, but I can’t. I should have lied. It starts to pour and I still don’t move. I see Brandon walk out of the church and my heart stops. He looks devastated. I caused this. He glances in my direction and when I think that he is going to walk back inside he starts walking fast towards me in the pouring rain. He gets to me and I look over to see all these people staring at us.
“Why in hell couldn’t you have lied? Huh?” He is shouting at me as the rain is rolling down him soaking him by the second.
“She asked me not to. I told her that she belonged with you though. I made sure we were okay before I walked down the aisle. You were the one who was crying, because it wasn’t me and I was also. So no this isn’t my fault.” He shoves his hands through his soaked hair making it look messy just the way that I like it.
“What? You can be happy with someone, but I can’t? That isn’t fair Lannie. I love you, but damnit I can’t have you and now I’m alone while you get to live it up in New York. I never want to see you again. You hear me never. Now if you will excuse me I’m going to try to find Rhonda. I want you gone by the time I walk back out of this church. You can see Mark. I won’t keep him from you, but I will make it where Gage picks him up. I do not want to ever see you again. I knew you were trouble from day one. I knew playing with fire would get me burned again. It wasn’t worth it. Bye Lannie.” I’m trying to gasp for air as he walks off. Ashley and Gage hear it all. Everyone did. She rushes over. I grab my phone from her and leave.
I sit here at the airport waiting for my flight, because I have nowhere else to go. I changed it as soon as I got back to my house today. I wasn’t going to stay somewhere I was no longer wanted. My phone vibrates in my hand and I see its Brandon. I hit ignore. I’m not in a mood to hear why it’s my fault again. Ashley calls, I hit ignore, Jake calls I hit ignore, and finally Gage calls and I hit ignore. I power down the phone. I’m on my fourth cup of Starbucks and sitting at airport in a dress. Why didn’t I change?
“Lannie?” I look and see Rhonda standing there looking at me.
“Umm why are you at the airport. You realize they are looking for you especially Brandon.” She’s smiling and sits down next to me. For someone who gave up her wedding and walked out is sure happy.
“I know I talked to my dad told him it was no one’s fault I just didn’t think Brandon was my soul mate. He said he would take care of things. And yeah I just talked to Brandon. He just left actually.” Wait he was at the airport. Why was he calling me?
“So did he say what he told me?” She frowns as she nods.
“He’s an ass at times. Stubborn as hell. He knows that you are the one, but the only problem is that it hasn’t gone from his heart to his brain. He chased me down to make sure that I was okay. I do hope that you get together because that would mean the wedding I walked out on was for nothing.” I hug her. Then board my plane that is being called. I get on and think how I’m explaining this one to Jake.
I arrive in New York around ten at night. As I’m making my way to my door, I stop. I go to Jake’s door and knock on it. I wait thinking another late night at the office. I hear the shuffling of the locks and when the door opens it is anything, but what I was expecting. He stands there in boxers looking as to be asleep. He was asleep, he was home. I lost it I broke down almost falling to the ground when he caught me carrying me. He took me to his bed and laid me down. I bawled like a baby for everything and my emotions.
“Would you like to stay the night Lannie? I have missed you and got all the papers fixed and done. I have nowhere to be tomorrow, but with you.” I nod as I slip my shoes off and while still in the dress I crawl into him and fall asleep. It isn’t the same comfort as Brandon, but it’s all I have now.
The sunshine’s bright and I stare at the clock. It says noon on it and I am just shocked I slept so long. The toll of the days really does catch up to you. I look over to find that Jake isn’t there. I stretch and hop out of bed. I am no longer in the dress, but one of his t-shirts. I make my way into the living room and see he is on the phone in the kitchen talking about me. Must be Ashley. I sit on the couch waiting and I glance at the table and see a paper that is about a lawsuit against Jake for sexual harassment with an employee. I check the dates this happened while we were together. I was still living in Florida. I can’t believe this. I grab the whole folder and read it. It goes on and on about how he had his way with her without her permission. I see that he proved it was consensual with text. This is the big case that he has been working on. Are you kidding me? I walk towards the kitchen as he smiles at me. I throw the folder on the counter and instantly that smile fades. He tells whoever is on the phone he has to go.
“Baby, it isn’t what you’re thinking?” Huh, let see how he smooth talks his way out this one.
“Really? Enlighten me than.” I sit on the bar stool waiting
“Okay so I had a sex only thing going with the old VP at work. Well I knew that I should have called it off when we were getting serious, but I didn’t. Not until a week before you were due to move here. So when I did call it off she quit. Then a week later I had a lawsuit. I of course hired a new VP and she has been trying to help me and did. Now it is dismissed, because I did have evidence. I’m a jerk I know. I shouldn’t have lied to you, but since you have been here I have been faithful. I promise baby.” It all makes sense now. Why Ashley told me he doesn’t think he is cheating now. Now being a big key word.
“So what you can only be fateful when I’m in the same state? Really?” This should hurt me, but it doesn’t. It really makes me a little relieved.
“No
that isn’t it. I love you.” I guess since my feeling for Brandon is sort of the same.
“Well okay then. I guess let’s just see where this goes. I’m going home and shower. I will see you at six for dinner.” He kisses my forehead and I leave. This has been the most fucked up birthday, considering no one told me happy birthday. I go into my apartment and see a package on the counter. I open it up and smile. It’s just a card.
Lannie, I am not sure when you will read this, but here are all the colors for your eighteenth birthday. Hope that you enjoy them. XOXO Jake.
I don’t get it. Oh well. I lie it on the counter and head to my room. I take a shower and walk into my closet to get a shirt and trip.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I yell. I turn on the light and am almost knocked back on my ass. There is every kind of glitter color Marc Jacobs shoes that they make. I sit on the ground in a towel and cry. There is a knock on my door and I’m too tired from crying to answer it.
“Lannie?” I look up and see Jake standing there. Damn he still sexy.
“I love my shoes.” He smiles and sits with me on my floor.
“Hey now don’t cry. Happy Birthday. Well late, but I did notice you wore the silver ones so Happy Birthday.” I hug and kiss him.
“So want to get dress and have a movie night?” I nod as I get ready. Maybe he is my happily ever after, I’m so confused. I look over on the couch to Jake. He isn’t Brandon, but he is here and he isn’t so therefore, maybe it can work.
CHAPTER 12
The weeks flew by and with that came the months. I haven’t spoken to Brandon since the day he told me he never wanted to see me again. Gage has brought Mark up here a few times. I told Mark I would be home for Thanksgiving, but that was a lie. I stayed in New York. Than Christmas approached and I told him again that I would be there, but I was a no show. I was turning into the girl who breaks promises. Ashley has gone home for all holidays, only because I forced her into going. Now we are in the second semester of school and I hate it. I have no life. Home, school, and shop is all I consist of. Jake and I didn’t last much longer. I thought that I could make it work as he did too, but in the end we ended up killing each other almost. We took a step back wondering what happened. Now we are the good friends. We make plans to hang out at least once a week to get me out of a routine he says. I think this is better for everyone. I have spoken to Rhonda more than I ever had when she was with Brandon. She does give me little updates as well as Gage and Ashley, but it still isn’t the same as it would be if he would call me or text? I should have answered the phone in the airport. The bell rings indicting class is about to begin.
Trouble Page 19