‘She needs to drink,’ said the French woman.
‘Absolutely,’ said Abby. ‘And some shade.’
While they discussed her recuperation, Ellie indicated the hypermarket. ‘I think I might just use the bathroom,’ she said.
She went to head off but Abby said a swift goodbye to the French woman and then was by her side, insisting on escorting her. Ellie’s head was still spinning and she wanted to be alone, to think. Mum said not to tell Abby she’d called. None of it made any sense.
As they hit the wall of air conditioning inside the shop, Ellie knew what she had to do.
‘Abby, is there any chance you could get me something to eat?’ She waved towards the maze of aisles. ‘I’ve got a pounding headache. I think some food will help.’
‘Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you.’
Ellie smiled. ‘I’ll be fine.’ She spoke as firmly as she could. ‘I’m just going to use the ladies, then I’ll wait for you by those seats.’ She pointed to a row of bright green plastic seating just around the corner from the supermarket entrance. Next to them she could see a payphone.
‘OK. I’ll be as quick as I can,’ said Abby.
‘Honestly, don’t rush,’ said Ellie. She went towards the toilets and looked back to see Abby go through the turnstile into the shopping area. As soon as Abby had been swallowed up by one of the aisles, Ellie doubled back on herself and hurried towards the public phone. Hands shaking, she dialled her mother’s number. It rang for three rings, four, five, and Ellie thought she’d imagined it, the whole message – it was her mind playing tricks on her, some sort of response to her grief and shock – when suddenly—
‘Hello?’
Ellie felt the room spin. ‘Mum?’ she whispered.
‘Ellie! Oh my God, it’s really you. Are you all right? Are you hurt?’
‘No . . . I’m fine.’
‘I can’t believe you’re there. You’re alive. Thank God.’
Ellie shook her head. ‘Of course I’m alive.’ She felt a surge of relief, of joy. ‘It’s you who . . . We thought something awful had happened, Mum. When you fell. We thought . . . Abby said you’d died.’
There was a silence at the other end of the phone.
‘She did?’ her mother said eventually.
‘Yes. I mean, we both thought it. It was so terrible and . . . well, then Abby told me to get in the car. We’ve been driving—’
‘Ellie, listen to me carefully. Are you listening?’
‘Yes.’
‘This is a hard thing to say but you need to know. Your sister . . . Abby is a very damaged individual. What she was telling you, yesterday, when we were on the terrace. That awful accusation.’ Ellie heard her mother take a breath. ‘It wasn’t me who poisoned you, Ellie. It was Abby.’
THIRTY-TWO
Ellie grabbed the wall. Her mind felt as if it was splintering into a million pieces.
‘What?’
Her mother was speaking deliberately slowly. ‘I realize this will be hard to take in. But you must believe me. Abby is the one who poisoned you when you were children.’
Ellie was struggling to absorb it all. ‘But she said it was you.’
‘She was lying. You must try and understand.’ Ellie could hear her mother’s strained patience. ‘Abby resented you from the day you were born. She still resents you. I’m incredibly worried about her state of mind, about her capacity for lying.’
‘Lying?’
‘Ellie, you said she told you I was dead.’
‘Well, yes, but that was what she thought . . .’ protested Ellie.
‘And why did she think that? What made her come to that conclusion?’
‘She took your pulse . . . Oh my God,’ said Ellie, the bottom suddenly falling out of her world.
‘Did you take my pulse?’ asked Susanna.
‘No,’ whispered Ellie.
‘And now she’s driven you somewhere. Where are you, Ellie?’
Ellie rested her forehead against the side of the wall. She couldn’t process all of this. And then, through the shop’s interior glass windows, she could see Abby in the queue at the checkout. It was her sister’s turn to be served.
‘She’s coming.’
‘Coming where?’
‘I’m in a supermarket,’ blurted Ellie. ‘Abby’s getting food.’
‘Do not tell her we’ve spoken,’ said Susanna. ‘If she knows I’m alive, she’ll know I’ve told you the truth. For God’s sake, don’t tell her, Ellie.’
‘I’m . . . I need to go.’
‘Call me back. You need to call me back as soon as you can. And don’t take anything she gives you. Promise me,’ urged Susanna.
Ellie saw Abby finish packing the shopping, saw her hand over some cash.
‘Ellie? Ellie! Are you there? Promise me!’
‘I’ll call you, Mum. As soon as I can.’ And then Ellie hung up. She moved away from the phone to the green plastic seats. She sat down, her world now tipped on another axis.
‘Here,’ said Abby, as she approached. In her hand were two tablets. ‘I got you these.’
Ellie started and looked up at her sister, as if seeing her for the first time.
‘Are you OK?’ asked Abby. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have left you.’ She put the two tablets into Ellie’s hand. Passed her a bottle of water. ‘Take them.’
‘What are they?’ asked Ellie faintly.
‘They’ll make you feel better.’
Ellie looked down. Had she seen Abby push the tablets out of a blister pack? She was suddenly aware she hadn’t. She stared at them.
An alarm sounded in the shop, loud and aggressive, catching their attention. Someone’s purchase had set off the sensors at the exit and they had their bag open, letting the security guard check it.
Ellie dropped the tablets on the floor. They bounced a short distance from her. Quickly, she shifted her foot so that she covered them up, then took a swig of water, just as Abby turned back around. Seeing Ellie swallow, Abby smiled approvingly. ‘Good. Are you OK to get going?’
Ellie nodded and stood up. She sensed the hardness of the tablets under her shoe and, as she lowered her weight onto them, felt them crumble to dust.
THIRTY-THREE
Ellie sat motionless in the car, aware of Abby busying beside her, putting the shopping bag on the back seat, breaking off some baguette and taking out a wheel of cheese. She tore open a bag of plastic cutlery, spread some of the camembert on the bread and handed it over.
Ellie viewed it distantly.
‘Eat,’ instructed Abby, and Ellie took the sandwich her sister proffered.
‘The man in the phone shop set this up so it’s good to go,’ said Abby, taking the new phone out of the bag.
Ellie watched as her sister pushed a few buttons.
‘I’ve got an old email here somewhere, from Jamie’s work account. I’m sure it has his mobile on it. Bingo!’ said Abby triumphantly, and she dialled. While the phone was ringing, she looked sternly over at Ellie and indicated the baguette.
Ellie looked down at the crusty bread with its creamy filling. Abby, phone to her ear, was watching her expectantly. Ellie slowly lifted the bread to her mouth, waiting for Abby to turn away, but she didn’t. There was nowhere else for her jaw to go but down and she bit into the baguette, the cheese oozing through her teeth. She started chewing, the mouthful seeming to last forever, then she swallowed, forcing it down her throat.
Abby tutted and Ellie looked up to see her sister mouth, ‘Answerphone.’
‘Hi, Jamie, it’s Abby Spencer,’ she said in a bright voice. ‘It’s been a while . . . I’m actually in a bit of a fix over something and could do with some advice. Please could you call me?’ She paused. ‘As soon as you can,’ she added, the urgency finally breaking into her voice. She left her number and hung up.
‘He’ll call back,’ she said, only it seemed more to reassure herself than anything. Then she leaned over the back again, got something else out of the
shopping bag.
‘Here,’ she said, handing Ellie a road map. ‘This’ll make it easier to follow the minor roads; keep us off radar.’
Ellie took it wordlessly.
‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ asked Abby, frowning.
Ellie mentally shook herself. She had to get a grip. ‘Fine,’ she muttered. She opened the map and located where they were.
‘We just have to buy some time until Jamie calls us back,’ said Abby, pulling away from the car park.
Do we? Mum isn’t dead after all, thought Ellie. But then, maybe Abby already knows that. What if she’d pretended that she couldn’t feel their mother’s pulse? Lied about her being dead? She stole a glance at her sister. Was she a pathological liar?
‘Where am I going?’ asked Abby as they came to a roundabout.
Ellie looked down at the map. Keep to the minor roads. ‘Third exit.’
Abby continued driving. ‘Ellie, what do you know about this stuff?’
‘What stuff?’
‘Avoiding the police. Not getting caught. We’ve just been in that shopping centre. Must be CCTV everywhere. Except, of course, they don’t know where we are.’
Ellie’s stomach lurched. The payphone she’d just called her mother from – Susanna would now have a record of it on her mobile. She felt certain the police would be able to trace their location.
‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘I don’t know anything.’
‘OK. We just keep driving for as long as possible. Until we can speak to Jamie.’
And then what? thought Ellie anxiously. What would happen next? Who was Jamie, anyway? Had her sister actually called a Jamie? Did he even exist? Her mind was blurring with uncertainty as she tried to still the fear growing in her stomach. But there was one thing she knew for sure. Her mother had sounded genuinely scared on the phone.
THIRTY-FOUR
1993
Snap! went the girl’s gum as she popped it against her teeth. Then she chewed, oblivious to the noises she was making, oblivious to anything, including Abby, who was sitting on a seat in the reception area of East Surrey Radio, staring at this exotic being with pink hair and black fingernails. She had her nose pierced and also, Abby had noticed, wide-eyed, when the girl had stood to reach a file behind the desk, her belly button. There was something about this receptionist girl that Abby admired: her obvious independence, her freedom to do what she wanted.
Seeing this girl was the only upside of being here. Abby hadn’t wanted to come. She wasn’t allowed in the recording studio and had to sit out here with nothing to do. She’d begged to be allowed to stay at home by herself but her mum had refused. ‘Not until secondary school,’ she’d said. Abby couldn’t wait: only one more year.
The radio was on, loud, and The Bluebells finished singing ‘Young At Heart’.
‘So, back to our guests, Ellie Spencer and her mum, Susanna,’ said the jaunty DJ. ‘So, tell me, Ellie, what would it mean for you to go to Disneyland?’
Abby heard Ellie inhale, breathless with anticipation.
‘It would be amazing.’
‘It certainly would,’ said the DJ. ‘And this little girl, who has been sick for the last two years, would have a dream come true.’
It’s my dream too, thought Abby, indignant. She hadn’t dared believe it when her mum said people had started to raise money for a holiday because Ellie was so ill. The local paper had run an article and the school had had a bake sale. Disneyland! It had been her secret dream for years and she wanted to go so much it hurt.
‘Mum,’ said the DJ, ‘how much do you think she deserves it?’
‘Oh, she’s so brave,’ said Susanna. ‘She never complains.’
That’s a lie.
‘And she’s been through so much. I’ve lost count of the number of hospital visits she’s had.’
‘We have a caller,’ announced the DJ. ‘Christine, from Reigate. Go ahead, Christine.’
‘I just wanted to say I think she’s marvellous. I’ve been listening to your show and I can’t believe how that poor girl has coped. And her mother too, it’s almost unbearable. And to think they still don’t know what it is. To have that sort of illness hanging over you with no end in sight . . . Well, I want to help so I’m giving the last three hundred you need for your holiday fund.’
Collective gasps around the radio station: Susanna and the DJ in the studio harmonized with Abby and the girl receptionist, who was finally shaken out of her self-absorption.
‘That is amazing!’ exclaimed the DJ.
‘Thank you so much,’ said Susanna, her voice cracking with emotion.
‘I hope you and Ellie have the most wonderful time,’ said the woman. ‘You both deserve it.’
What about me? thought Abby, swallowing the lump in her throat. She listened hard but at no point did her mother, her sister or the DJ mention there was another person in this family, currently banished to the reception area, who wanted to go to Disneyland more than life itself.
‘Of course it’s enough for you as well, Abby,’ said Susanna on the bus home. ‘What a silly thing to think.’
Abby was hurt. It wasn’t that silly. Ellie got everything she wanted. She was ill, and it wasn’t that unusual for Abby herself to be an afterthought. But she brushed that aside as she began to fill with a warm glow. Disneyland, I’m going to Disneyland, she thought, and she was suddenly overcome with happiness and excitement. Magic Kingdom! The Typhoon Lagoon!
‘Well, what do you say?’ said Susanna.
Abby, brought out of her thoughts, blinked, confused.
‘You should be thanking your sister. It’s only because of her that this has happened.’
Abby could hear the disapproval in her mother’s voice. She leaned over to Ellie and awkwardly hugged her. ‘Thanks,’ she mumbled. Then she said it again, a bit louder, just in case she was reprimanded. It didn’t matter. Disneyland was the single best, most amazing thing to happen in her life, ever. It made up for everything. It meant she even forgave Ellie for monopolizing family life ever since she was born.
Three weeks before they were due to fly, Ellie fell ill again. Susanna was up in the night with her, helping her through her vomiting. Abby lay in bed listening until it subsided and then, when Ellie had quietened, she drifted back to sleep.
The next morning, Susanna sat both of them down for a chat.
‘Girls, I know this is going to be disappointing and I’m really sorry, but we’re not going to be able to go to Disneyland.’
Ellie promptly burst into tears.
Stricken, Abby looked at her mother – was it true? But she could tell by Susanna’s face that it was. She suddenly felt as if her insides had been crushed. She wanted to cry too, to wail and throw herself onto the floor in the hollowed-out little ball that she now felt as if she’d become. But Susanna was busy comforting Ellie and Abby knew if she kicked off too, there would be little sympathy. She’d seen the dark shadows under her mother’s eyes that morning. So she was forced to keep her devastation to herself.
‘Hush, hush,’ said Susanna, stroking Ellie’s hair. ‘It’s not all bad. I’m going to change the tickets to Euro Disney just for a couple of days.’ She beamed. ‘It’s brand new. Much better than silly old Florida. Plus, it’s much closer to home if you get poorly, which I think is really important, especially as you’ve not been well.’ She paused for effect, on the cusp of a big announcement. ‘In fact, we’re going to have two holidays.’
Ellie finally stopped crying, looked up at her mother in intrigue. Abby narrowed her eyes.
‘After Euro Disney, we’re going to a resort in Greece for ten whole days!’ said Susanna. ‘Where there’s a swimming pool with a slide and a spa for Mummy.’
Abby saw the hidden relief on her mother’s face and knew that this new plan, this place in Greece, was somewhere her mother liked very much.
‘What’s a spa?’ Ellie asked.
‘It’s a place where I can get a massage and possibly some beauty treatments while
you two girls have loads of fun in the kids’ club,’ said Susanna. ‘Where they’ll have ice cream,’ she added, tapping Ellie on the nose.
Abby knew when she was being sold an idea and slipped out of the room. She went upstairs and lay on her bed where she mourned the loss of a trip she had yearned for with all of her heart. And her mother knew it too. Abby understood that Susanna had taken Disney away from her for something Susanna wanted more. Abby’s sense of self-worth plummeted that night. She understood fully where she stood in the pecking order of her family.
‘Can I go to the slide pool now?’ asked Abby, as she stood dripping in front of her mother, who was lying on a sunbed in her bikini. Abby had been in this shallow dipping pool for what felt like hours at her mother’s behest, so she could ‘stay with Ellie’. Ellie was nervous of the slide pool, but that was mostly because their mum kept saying things like ‘I’m not sure if it’s right for you, Ellie,’ and ‘It’s very high, I wouldn’t like you getting dizzy,’ and so they’d stayed here forever, Ellie splashing about in the shallows, while their mum dozed.
Just a little way along from them was a lady Mum had met the day before. The lady, Miriam, was on holiday with her husband. They didn’t have children and so Miriam spent a lot of time in the spa, and she would come back talking of massages and treatments and hold out her fingernails for Susanna to admire. When she’d heard why they were there she’d given Ellie what Abby secretly called the Super Sorry look – when adults made their eyes go all gooey and thrust out their bottom lip in sympathy. ‘Poor little thing,’ she’d said, and she’d told other people as well because later, in the restaurant, Abby had overheard someone say, ‘That’s the sick girl,’ and she’d looked up to see Miriam nudge another woman and they were both looking in their direction.
‘Not now,’ said Susanna, stretching out lazily. ‘Honestly, this is such a beautiful pool here, why do you want to go running off? Ellie’s happy here, play with her.’
Abby watched as her mother closed her eyes again and knew it was pointless arguing. She went to sit at the edge of the pool, her legs dangling in the water, and wriggled her toes, watching as the refraction made her feet seem bigger.
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