‘I’ve to go for another one,’ he’d muttered and she had known better than pursue the matter apart from asking if he’d like her to go with him.
‘I’ll be fine,’ he’d retorted and walked out of the kitchen. If he was to go for another test it meant there could be problems and that was worrying to say the least. Maura groaned again and Noreen forgot her own situation as she turned to her sister and gave her her full attention.
As it happened it was a smooth, uncomplicated birth, and as she held her baby nephew for a quick minute before he was whisked off to the Special Care Unit, she looked into his scrunched-up little face with his little flat nose and felt a wave of longing that almost crucified her.
‘He’s a lovely little fella, Maura, congratulations,’ she whispered smiling at her sister, who was totally overwhelmed.
‘Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t believe I did it, Noreen. I thought I’d go to pieces. It was amazing. Andy is a fool to have missed this.’ She held out her hands for the baby. Noreen placed the little bundle carefully into the curve of her elbow.
‘You were terrific, you did very well, Maura,’ she said warmly, all the years of resentment she’d felt for her sister evaporating as they looked at the baby that had brought them close for the first time in their lives.
‘I want you to be the godmother.’ Maura looked up at her.
‘But what about Rita?’ Noreen said in surprise. ‘I think she’s expecting to be godmother.’
‘She won’t mind. I’ll explain to her that because you were with me, there’s a special bond with the baby, and that’s true isn’t it?’ she asked anxiously.
Noreen’s eyes glazed with tears. She nodded. Maura would never know just how much of a bond she felt for that gorgeous little being that the nurse was taking to the Special Care Unit.
‘God, Noreen, I never saw you crying before,’ Maura said, shocked. ‘And it’s me whose hormones are awry,’ she joked awkwardly.
Noreen wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. ‘I’m just glad everything’s all right. Do you want to ring Andy and let him know he’s got a son?’
‘I suppose so,’ Maura muttered resentfully. ‘He could have stayed around instead of going off into town. I’ll get him to drive you home.’
‘No, no, let him stay with you,’ Noreen said hastily, the thought of being driven to Kilronan by Andy not an enticing prospect. ‘I’ll give Oliver a ring. He’ll come and collect me. Now I’m going to go outside and let the nurses get on with it and I’ll come to the ward with you when you’re ready.’
‘Thanks for everything, Noreen. There’s just one thing I want to say to you.’ Maura looked agitated.
‘What’s that? Do you want me to do something for you?’
‘No, no, you’ve done enough. It’s just … just I’m sorry I wasn’t more of a help to you with Mam. I feel very bad about it.’ She burst into tears. Noreen looked at her dishevelled younger sister and thought of how much she’d despised and resented her when their mother was ill. She’d often wanted to slap Maura’s smug face. She remembered Oliver’s words about being able to look herself in the eye and actually felt sorry for her sister. She had to live with her regrets about how she’d behaved towards their mother. That was one burden she didn’t have to carry, Noreen thought gratefully.
‘Don’t trouble yourself about it, Maura. You need to concentrate on your baby and getting your strength back,’ she said evenly. ‘Stop crying now.’
‘I used to think you were so hard, and you’re not, you’re very kind, Noreen.’ Maura wept. ‘I’m really sorry.’
‘Shussh, stop now, forget it,’ Noreen soothed. ‘You’ll be fine after a cup of tea. I’ll see you in a little while.’ She handed her sister a tissue. ‘Come on now, wipe your eyes or you’ll set me off again. Twice in one day would be just too much!’
Maura gave a watery smile. ‘Thanks, Noreen, for everything.’
So her sister had finally acknowledged that she had something to apologize for regarding their mother, Noreen thought dully as she walked out into the corridor. Somehow in the light of all that was going on in her life it didn’t seem to matter any more, which was probably a good thing. There was no point in being eaten up with bitterness and anger.
She punched in Oliver’s number.
‘Hello,’ she heard his familiar deep voice at the other end.
‘Can you collect me?’ she asked shakily. ‘Maura had a baby boy, four and a half pounds. Everything’s fine. I just don’t feel like going for the bus.’
‘That’s OK. It’s Holles Street, near Merrion Square, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, I’m in the Merrion Wing. I’ll go down to the ward with Maura and wait with her until Andy gets here, and then I’ll go and have a cup of tea.’
‘It will take me a while,’ Oliver warned.
‘I know,’ she said quietly.
‘Are you OK?’ Oliver asked gruffly.
‘I’ll be glad when you’re here,’ Noreen admitted. ‘I just want to go home. See you when I see you.’
‘OK, ’bye.’
Noreen heard him click off and felt an ache of loneliness. She longed for Oliver to put his arms around her like the old days. She wanted to pour out her sadness, and tell him what lay behind it, but she knew she would be reluctant to lay her burdens on his shoulders now. If he had asked her to marry him, rather than the other way around, she would have felt more comfortable baring her soul. She would have felt enabled to do it in the knowledge that he had wanted her to share her life with him. The nagging uncertainty that he might never have married her had grown far stronger since their row at Christmas and she knew their relationship had changed irrevocably because of it.
The door to the delivery suite opened and Maura was wheeled out. She looked flushed and tired against the pillows. ‘Did you ring Andy?’ Noreen asked as she fell into step beside her.
‘I did. He was having something to eat in the Davenport. It’s not far away. He’s going to stay the night there. I think he’s had a few drinks,’ she confided.
‘Wet the baby’s head.’ Noreen smiled, privately disgusted with Andy that he couldn’t have waited until later to start celebrating. Selfish bastard, she thought. Just like Pete. Funny that she should think of him now. He rarely came into her consciousness. Difficult though her relationship was with Oliver, she completely respected her husband in contrast to the contempt she held her former partner in. She wouldn’t mind a trip to London though. The last time she’d visited was just before her wedding and that seemed another lifetime ago. She kept in touch with her friends through email mostly and the telephone. Kay Thomas, her best friend and a nursing sister at St Mary’s in Paddington, was always asking her to come for a visit.
Maybe after Maura’s baby was christened she’d go for a couple of days. She knew Oliver wouldn’t mind – he’d probably welcome the break from her, she thought wryly, as Maura was wheeled into a pretty, sunny, two-bed ward.
Her sister was sleeping when Andy arrived two hours later, full of the joys. The whiff of brandy was unmistakable. He had a bunch of straggly flowers and a blue teddy under his arm. Full marks for originality, Noreen thought nastily as she stood up to leave.
‘Hasn’t she the life, asleep at this hour of the evening?’ Andy boomed, giving her a jovial puck in the arm. ‘Well, what’s my son like?’
Too good for the likes of you, she was tempted to retort, but she restrained herself. ‘He’s lovely,’ she said shortly. ‘I’m just going to go and give Oliver a call and have a cup of tea. See you later.’
‘Grand.’ Andy was ogling the young woman in the bed next to Maura, who was cuddling her baby. ‘Howya doin’? Is he a good grubber?’ he leered, and Noreen slipped out of the room before she clattered him.
Oliver was trying to find parking around Merrion Square when she phoned him and he sounded distinctly tetchy.
‘I’ll wait for you at the front door. You better pop in and see Maura for a minute,’ she suggested.
‘Right, see you – I see a space,’ he informed her and then she heard an explosion of profanity and the sound of a car horn as someone else pipped him to the space. Noreen prudently hung up. She walked downstairs to the front hall and sat down to await his arrival. After a while she felt like a breath of air and stepped outside. It was good to feel the breeze cold against her face after the heat of the hospital. Darkness had fallen and the rush hour was in full swing. It reminded her of London. Now that she’d got the idea of going for a visit she was looking forward to it. Life in Kilronan was quiet and uneventful most of the time. There was a sameness about the days that got to her sometimes.
If she and Oliver did more things together as a couple it might not be so bad, but he was immersed in his work and for the most part she was left to her own devices. Some retail therapy, meals out, trips to the theatre and meeting up with old friends and catching up on hospital gossip were just the diversions she needed, Noreen decided as she watched her husband stride towards the hospital with a face like thunder.
‘By God, there’s some crazy hoors driving around this place,’ he grumbled as he reached her. ‘I bought this for Maura, until you get some baby stuff.’ He held out a bottle of champagne.
‘That was kind, Oliver, and thoughtful.’ She reached up and gave him a peck on the cheek. The first kiss she’d given him since their row.
He looked surprised. ‘Well, I didn’t like to come empty-handed. A bottle of plonk seemed a bit mean in the circumstances.’
‘That other yoke arrived with a wilted bunch of flowers and a teddy-bear and he’d been drinking.’ Noreen led the way into the hospital and up the stairs towards the private rooms.
‘How’s the baby doing?’ Oliver asked.
‘Very well for a premmie. He’s a lovely little chap. She asked me to be godmother.’ She arched an eyebrow at him.
‘How do you feel about that?’ Oliver slanted a glance at her.
‘I was surprised. I thought Rita was earmarked for that position. She said it was because I was with her, and to tell the truth I’m glad I was. She won’t be getting much support from that bollox, I wouldn’t say. She even apologized for not helping out more with Mam. She said she was really sorry.’
‘And what did you say?’ Oliver was more than surprised at this revelation.
‘What could I say, Oliver? There’s no point in holding on to old grudges. At least she had the grace to apologize. She was very upset about it. Hormones all over the place, I suppose. I told her to forget about it and concentrate on getting back to strength for the baby.’
‘Good girl, Noreen. It’s best to let bygones be bygones,’ Oliver approved warmly and they smiled at each other, a touch of their old affection breaking through as they walked down the corridor to Maura’s room.
‘Oh … hello, Oliver. Thanks for coming up.’ Maura was surprised to see him.
‘It’s just for a minute. I’m sure you’re tired after all the hard work. This might refresh you.’ Oliver smiled at his sister-in-law and handed her the bottle of champagne.
‘Well, thank you, Oliver. Oh, it’s Moët,’ she said, delighted.
‘I’ll take charge of that,’ Andy declared jocosely.
‘No you won’t,’ Maura said sharply, putting it in her bedside locker.
‘So, Maura, when will you be able to take the baby home?’ Oliver asked.
‘They said it shouldn’t be too long. He’s in an incubator and when his weight comes up to five pounds and they’re happy with his progress they’ll let me have him,’ Maura said. ‘Would you like to look in at him? I’m going down to feed him.’
Oliver looked at Noreen. ‘We can have a look at him on the way out, we’ll walk down to Special Care with Maura,’ she said as she handed her sister her dressing-gown.
‘I’ll wait outside,’ Oliver said hastily as Maura made to get out of bed.
‘Are you going to come and see your son?’ she turned to Andy.
‘I suppose I’d better see if he’s a chip off the old block,’ he agreed, and Noreen couldn’t get over his casual attitude. They made their way to the unit and watched as Maura went in and lifted the baby out of the incubator. She brought him to the window and stood proudly with him in her arms.
‘That’s my boy!’ Andy exclaimed. Oliver forced a smile. He was glad for his sister-in-law that all had gone well but today was possibly the worst day ever for him to have to oohh and aahh over a baby. Looking at Maura’s proud expression brought it home forcibly to him just what Noreen was being denied. Seeing Maura’s reaction to her child, he began to understand the strength of Noreen’s desire to have a baby. And because of him she might never experience her greatest desire. He felt awful. A failure as a man and a husband.
‘We should go and give them some privacy,’ he said quietly to Noreen.
‘Arrah, stay for another while and we’ll go for a pint,’ Andy urged.
‘No thanks, Andy, I want to get going, I’ve a busy day ahead of me tomorrow,’ Oliver replied politely. Noreen muttered a brusque goodbye. She was raging with his carry-on.
‘Did you ever see the likes of him, he should be ashamed of himself,’ she complained as they walked towards Merrion Square.
‘He’s a cool customer all right.’ Oliver marched along, forcing her to quicken her pace.
‘Would you slow down a bit, Oliver, we’re not in a race,’ Noreen protested.
‘Sorry. I’m tired. I just want to get home.’
‘I’ll drive if you want,’ she offered.
‘Ah, you’re all right, you’re probably tired too after being at the … being with Maura,’ he amended.
‘She was very good actually, she did what she had to do without any fuss.’ Noreen felt herself begin to relax. It was the first time in weeks that they’d had a normal conversation. She was half tempted to ask him would he like to go somewhere for a meal but he looked really whacked.
‘It’s over there,’ Oliver took her arm to cross the road. He was a real gentleman in that regard. She’d always liked his courteous ways. Maybe things might start improving between them. The new baby had brought healing to her and Maura’s relationship, Oliver had been proud of her when he’d congratulated her on letting bygones be bygones. She should try and do the same with him. Try and put those wounding words out of her head, not give them any more space.
She got into the car feeling easier with him than she had for a long time.
30
Fourteen straight hours on a building site wouldn’t have left him as tired, Oliver felt as he sat in the Haven with Noreen waiting for their meal to be served. She had asked him on the way home if he’d like to stop for a meal somewhere, but under the circumstances he hadn’t felt like going anywhere posh, so he’d asked if she minded if he kept on driving and having something to eat in Kilronan.
‘Suits me fine, too,’ she said tiredly, and his heart sank once more at the prospect of telling her his news. Noreen deserved better, he thought disconsolately. She was a good woman, she’d be a loving mother. All the unwanted children in the world, and she, who wanted one so badly, was deprived. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. Should he say to her that if she wanted to find someone else, she should do so, he wondered? But, especially after his unkind words at Christmas, she’d surely think that he didn’t love her or was trying to get rid of her and that was not what he wanted. He just wanted for her to be happy. She looked weary as she sat sipping her glass of wine. And she’d got thinner, he noticed. Weight she could ill afford to lose. There was no happiness in their marriage and it was taking its toll on her. He’d want to start making a bit more of an effort. The last couple of weeks had seen them drifting further apart. That was no way to live.
‘Traffic was brutal, wasn’t it?’ he remarked, fiddling with a vinegar sachet.
‘I’d hate to have to commute,’ Noreen said. She made a face. ‘When I was standing outside the hospital it reminded me of being in London. I drove in city traffic for years over there and never th
ought anything about it.’
‘I’d go crazy being stuck in traffic like that day in, day out,’ Oliver said truthfully. ‘But you know me, no patience.’
‘Ah, you’re not that bad,’ she said lightly.
‘You know I’m sorry about what I said,’ he said awkwardly.
‘Let’s forget it, Oliver, and start over,’ Noreen said quietly. ‘It’s been horrible.’
‘I know. I don’t like not talking.’ He was half tempted to tell her about his tests but a pub lounge was not the place to tell a woman she might never have a child, he thought ruefully as the waitress placed a plate of steak, onions and chips in front of him and a smoked salmon salad in front of Noreen. Let her eat her meal in peace, she’d be in turmoil soon enough.
They ate in silence. But it wasn’t an uncomfortable one, and he was glad when Noreen ordered dessert for herself. The lounge was starting to fill up and the sound of talk and laughter was relaxing and brought a little balm to him after his day.
‘Have another pint and I’ll have another glass of wine,’ Noreen suggested.
‘OK so.’ He smiled at her, glad that at least they were back on speaking terms. It would have been a nightmare to have to tell her the news when they were hostile with each other. He watched a couple walk over to a table in the corner with their arms around each other’s waists. The girl was glowing, smiling at her boyfriend, engrossed in him with eyes for no one else. It was touching to see, but he wondered how long it would last when life’s hard knocks began to take their toll.
Don’t be such a cynical bastard, he reproved silently. Just because he and Noreen were having problems didn’t mean everyone else would have them.
By ten thirty he was yawning his head off. Two return trips to Dublin after a sleepless night had been a killer and all he wanted to do was get into bed. ‘Are you ready to go home?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, it’s been a long day.’ Noreen shrugged into her coat and linked her arm into his. Just like old times, he thought heavily, except that everything had changed only she didn’t realize it yet. The nearer he got to home the more heavy-hearted he got. He wished he could tell her and get it over with. When was the right time? Was there a right time? He followed her into the house and hung up his coat.
Two For Joy Page 28