The Little Book of
Flirting
Stewart Ferris
S U M M E R S D A L E
Copyright (c) Stewart Ferris 2002
All rights reserved.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd
46 West Street
Chichester
PO19 1RP
United Kingdom
www.summersdale.com
ISBN 1 84024 235 3
Introduction
Flirting is fun, but it's risky. Many people enjoy flirting simply because it's so risky. Flirting involves putting your whole outward appearance and inner personality on the line. You're basically asking a stranger if they fancy you, and if they don't, it's going to hurt. If they do fancy you and your husband or wife later finds out, it's going to hurt even more.
That's why the phrase 'flirting with danger' is apt. Flirting is one the most dangerous aspects of modern society. It's similar to skiing off-piste, only more people have their legs broken at cocktail parties than on mountainsides.*
* This is a lie.
Anyone can learn to flirt. It's about taking control of an interaction with someone and steering it in a romantic direction. Some people have sufficient natural charisma to cause a spark in others when communicating. For the rest of us there are many easy ways to ignite a flame: a few simple tips and a little self-control will transform anyone's flirting technique. Failing that, try a box of matches.
If you want to flirt without the risk of getting hurt, make sure you have the correct safety gear: a good understanding of body language; a reasonable-sounding excuse for when you get caught out; and a secure helmet. It might also help to keep this book in your pocket. You'll be glad to have these 128 pages of advice next to your body if things go wrong and someone hits you there.
A Made-up History of Flirting
Flirting goes back to the dawn of life on earth. In the primeval soup of pre-history the first single-celled male organism would nervously go up to a female cell on a Friday night and clumsily offer to buy her a drink. If it wasn't for those first fumbling attempts at communicating with the opposite sex there would have been no evolution to the point where today complex multi-cellular male humans nervously go up to females on a Friday night and clumsily offer to buy them a drink.
Men and women throughout history have developed their own ways of flirting. Viking men a thousand years ago flirted with women by killing their husbands, burning their houses and inserting their penises without permission. Later, a misguided King Henry VIII flirted with girls by cutting their heads off. Jane Austen flirted with men by talking to them in convoluted, turgid Georgian prose that sent them into a deep coma, thus enabling her to do whatever she wanted to them.
Victorian times saw the arrival of flirting techniques that almost brought humanity to a sudden halt. Body language was made impossible because everyone was so covered up with layers of unnecessary clothing that no one knew if they had any bodies. Any male/female contact was only possible in the presence of a vicar or a doctor.
The most popular chat-up line of the time was,
'if I verbally articulated the splendour and unblemished beauty of your physicality, would it in any way prejudice your sentiments with regard to the individual who habitually refers to himself by the perpendicular pronoun?'*
* If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
With these restrictions, the growth in population slowed considerably.
In recent times, the range of sophisticated and subtle flirting techniques has increased. You can offer to buy the other person any one of a number of different kinds of drink, and it doesn't always have to be on a Friday night.
Basic techniques
Talking
If you are one of those people fortunate enough not to lose the power of speech when approaching someone, you can try engaging them in some kind of conversation. This is not recommended for beginners, as it opens a minefield of potential complications, problems and mines.
The aim of talking to someone in a flirtatious manner is to ascertain the likelihood of them letting you into their underwear without the need for a general anaesthetic on their part(s). But when we talk flirtatiously we speak in code. This is why people aren't always aware that someone is flirting with them.
The reason for speaking in code is to reduce the embarrassment of rejection. If you come out with a blatant phrase like 'I'd like to see you naked' or 'I hope I can get to shag you without you seeing me naked', your intention is as obvious as the humiliation you will shortly suffer. By avoiding direct mention of your desired romantic liaison, you can test the water gently.
Ambiguity is the key to saving face. When you skirt around the subject of romance by making subtle allusions to sex, you're checking out the other person's barriers. You might find a way in immediately, or you might find that they slowly lower their defences as they grow more comfortable in your presence. But because you're talking carefully in code, the other person has the opportunity at any time to pull the barriers back up by changing the subject. If this happens, the humiliation is minimal. Everything has been kept implicit, no direct sexual advances have been made, and you can leave with your head held high.
Just think how things might have ended if you took the direct approach and spoke what you meant, rather than in code . . . the rejection won't have been subtle, it will have been a glass of wine thrown publicly in your face and you'll have left with your head held in a tea-towel.
The problem for most of us is that talking in subtle metaphors isn't easy. Most of us have familiar chat-up lines that we like to stick to, despite repeated failures over the years. Ever optimistic, we wheel these chat-up lines out and throw them at people we fancy in the hope of starting a flirtatious conversation. 'Get your coat, you've pulled', 'You don't sweat much for a fat lass', and 'How would you like your eggs in the morning?' may be clever, sophisticated lines*, but their directness ensures that the other person's curiosity is not engaged. Hitting them in this manner with overtly sexual advances can scare them off and doesn't leave them wondering about you.
*That's meant to be ironic, by the way.
If there's nothing to wonder about you, there's no interest in you. So it's vital to talk to them in a mildly enigmatic way that makes them want to find out more. It's like a good crime novel: the reader is fed small clues throughout the text, but the murderer isn't revealed until the end. That makes the reader want to keep reading in order to find out that information. Keep details of yourself hidden for as long as possible (without saying so little that it looks like you have no conversation skills at all), and keep them guessing as to whether you really fancy them, what you're really like, and whether you're a murderer.
This drip-feeding of interesting information is when flirting really comes into its own. If it's going well, the other person will send test signals to you in their choice of conversation and body language. They want to see how you respond. This gives you the opportunity to flirt back with similar subtlety, and suddenly you're off. But give the game away in your opening line to them that you're desperate for a shag and there's nothing to play for, no flirting to be done. And the bottom line is that you're less likely to get that shag.
The most important rule of talking flirtatiously is to show interest in the other person. We all love to talk about ourselves, and we instinctively like people who encourage us to do so. If you give someone plenty of opportunities to blow their own trumpet, you're more likely to get to the point where they're blowing your trumpet. And if brass instrument euphemisms aren't your bag, just ask for a blow-job.
If you're stuck for things to ask them, just remember the basic questions: who, where, why, when, and how
much for the night? Build your questions around these blocks in order to establish a firm rapport. From this rapport comes familiarity, which brings trust. This makes people more comfortable flirting.
It's also crucial to ask questions that invite more than a monosyllabic answer. There are many things you could ask someone that require just a yes or a no answer. 'Do you like this place?' for example is a dead-end question, answerable with yes or no. 'What is it that you like about this place?' is essentially the same question, but phrased in order to elicit a longer response: at the very least the reply will be dunno.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you are an interesting person and going to great lengths to explain why. You're not interesting: you're boring. You won't agree with that, because we all think we're the most fascinating person on the planet, but actually we're all boring to other people. And yet we all love nothing more than to talk about our lives, our beliefs and our ambitions to others. They may not appear bored by it but, underneath the polite façade, they are yawning uncontrollably. This is why it's so crucial to get the person you want to flirt with to talk about themselves and to stifle your own yawns. Fake that keen interest in their life story, and don't interrupt too much with parallels from your own life. They don't want to hear about them.
It's useful to be the listener, the interviewer, because by making them answer your questions you can build their trust and then begin the subtle process of steering those questions towards flirtatious subjects: their relationships; their attitudes to sex; even their most bizarre sexual experiences and favourite perversions.
Physical contact
Humans have evolved a natural instinct towards bodily contact. Our ancestors could make love to anyone, anywhere, anytime, without self-consciousness or social repression. But the Sixties are over now, and more subtle techniques apply these days.
Love-making is the ultimate form of physical contact, and that is what we usually aspire to when flirting with someone. For women there are hundreds of subtly different levels of contact that lead to the love-making stage; for men there is only the fumble with the bra catch and the fruitless search for the G-spot.
Learning the more subtle forms of physical contact is crucial when flirting. A gentle invasion of someone's personal space can result in mild contact at the arms, the legs, or even the breast. If this contact is accepted, you're all set to go further. If the other person attempts to re-establish their personal space, perhaps using military force or razor wire, make your excuses and leave.
Footsie
Footsie is one of the best-loved flirting techniques. It can be played under restaurant tables or office desks, and in a slightly more open way it can be played simply when sitting next to someone on a sofa or standing next to them. There's no need to go straight in with removing your shoe and sensually rubbing your toes up someone's leg. That's tantamount to coming out with a chat-up line like 'What winks and is great in bed?' and then winking at them. It's far safer to begin by aligning your foot with theirs and applying a little bit of pressure. It's the sort of thing that could happen by mistake very easily, so if their foot recoils from you all you need say is that you thought it was the chair leg or a bag. If the foot stays there, try increasing the pressure. It will either lead to one of you stroking the other one's foot, or to a battle for legroom under the table.
Setting up artificial reasons for body contact
Physical contact can be instigated on the grounds of some kind of game or analysis. These techniques are great for flirting and can accelerate the process from initial chat to physical confidence with each other.
Palm reading
The most common form of 'artificially-induced' contact, this works well at parties or in clubs and bars. No knowledge is required, and no one will expect a serious analysis of skin lines. But it gives you the opportunity to take the other person's hand in your own and to run your fingers against their skin. With a little confidence, this can be done in a more sensual way than a professional palm reader would do, whilst being fun and giving you the chance to say that the lines indicate a passionate person, bursting with sexual energy. Flattering someone within the context of a fake palm reading will boost their self-esteem, and will also make them like you more.
Eyeball reading
Similar to above, but make sure your breath is fresh before attempting this one. Stand right up against their face, noses touching, and pretend to read the lines in their irises. Talk any old romantic crap about them, mentioning that their destiny lies with a type of person that is basically you. When the eyeball reading is over, you will have invaded their personal space in an intimate way, and if you've done a good job at flirting with them and entertaining them at the same time that barrier should remain down. If they step back from you afterwards and offer you a minty sweet, things haven't gone so well.
Buttock reading
Perfect for parties, a (bare) buttock reading gets you straight into someone's underwear without the need for all that complicated talking and subtle flirting. You can also squeeze and caress the buttocks as part of your analysis. There won't be many barriers to overcome once someone has dropped their pants for you and showed you their spotty arse. Put one palm against the centre of each buttock (assuming they have two of them) and feel their arse-energy trickle between your fingers. Talk them through the process in a calm, doctor-like way, to give them confidence in your ability to talk a load of new-age crap whilst groping them. Gently squeeze both halves together, then pat them in a downward motion from the top. Then run your fingers gently up from the top of the leg along the arse-crack, making up some kind of legitimate-sounding reason for doing so as you go along. Remember to wash your hands after you've finished.
Remember that if someone actually agrees to let you read their buttocks, then the chances are that they either fancy you, or that they hate you but have an enormous fart brewing.
Massage
We all love a good massage. Learn some basic techniques of neck and back massage, and drop into the conversation that you love to give massages. If the other person then hints at back problems or a stiff neck, they are inviting you to offer a massage. If the subject rapidly changes to the weather or railways, put that massage oil back in your pocket.
Arm wrestle
Not the most romantic way to begin a relationship, but a useful ice-breaker if you don't have the confidence to offer a buttock reading. Don't be too competitive, though. You're not likely to get anywhere with someone if you break their arm within minutes of meeting them.
Body language
Just as the verbal language of flirting is conducted in code, interpreting a person's body language also means understanding a code. At its most basic level, we all know the difference between a smile and a frown. That's the kind of body language we encounter all the time. The language expressed by the face is easy to read because it's there in front of you. But it's equally important to understand the language of other parts of the body, and of the body as a whole.
Facial expressions
These are one of the easiest parts of a person's emotions to read. Flirting is all about reading the other person's thoughts without those thoughts being overtly expressed: a blank face can make it difficult to judge how well your flirting attempts are going, but an emotive face will act as a scoreboard lighting up the results of the match as you go. Smile when you're flirting and you should receive smiles back.
Eye contact
This is a relatively easy way to detect a person's interest in you, although you won't know about it unless you're capable of maintaining eye contact yourself. Successful flirting involves staring into someone's eye for longer than would ordinarily feel comfortable.
Introverts naturally find this difficult, extroverts just do it and don't think about it. If the other person maintains eye contact whilst talking to you, it shows enthusiasm for your company. If they only glance at you occasionally then you can assume that they are either bored or shy.
Shy
ness will manifest itself in other forms, such as a lack of forthright opinions, a quiet voice and very little conversation. All these symptoms together mean that the person is finding it hard to talk to you because of their introverted nature, rather than because you're boring them. But if an apparently confident person won't keep eye contact with you, you've lost them. Move on.
A popular technique for establishing initial eye contact with a stranger is to catch their eye, then look down at the ground. If you have sparked any fascination in them at all, they will still be looking at you when you look up. If they've emigrated in the meantime, you've lost them again. Move on.
Winking
Those of you who excitedly read the title of this sub-chapter a little too quickly and are about to be disappointed that it covers ways of closing one eye whilst keeping the other open should refer to a sister title to this book, The Kama Sutra For One, also published by Summersdale. Winking is a cheesy and old-fashioned technique for flirting with someone. A wink can indicate a private connection between two people that makes them both feel more special than the others in the room. More typically, though, it simply means 'I'd like to shag you'. If carried out with panache and confidence it can be a fun ingredient in a flirtatious situation. If carried out badly, you'll look like you have a problem with a contact lens.
Arms
Some people are very tactile when chatting and will gesticulate, touch, and even cuddle you without any provocation. Oh, you haven't met this person yet? You've only experienced arms crossed tightly across the chest until you leave them alone? Yes, that's the other side of the body language of arms. It's a very simple code. Don't apply the tactile approach to someone with crossed arms. Aim instead to balance your movements and positions with theirs.
The Little Book of Flirting Page 1