Blame It on the Shame- Part 3

by Ashley Jade

  “I can't tell you, not without you getting all up in arms about it.”

  “I'm not Tyrone, I'm not gonna pull a Dr. Phil on you.” He blanches. “You left everything to me, Ricardo. That shit alone has me spooked. Put yourself in my position, brother. You owe me some kind of explanation.”

  “Fine,” I grumble. “Bottom line—I need to kill Travine. I left everything to you just in case it ends up getting me killed. I know you don't really like Lou-Lou, but I know you'll make sure she's taken care of for me. I know you'll watch out for her.”

  He hangs his head and runs a hand through his hair. “It is as bad as I thought.”

  No, it's worse. Much worse.

  He scrubs a hand down his face. “Okay, what's your plan?”

  “I—”

  Don't really have one. Other than killing Travine and then the Council.

  “You haven't figured it out yet?”

  “Not exactly, I'm still working out the kinks. Lou-Lou—I've been a little distracted.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Do I want to know with what?”

  “Probably not.”

  He cracks his knuckles and rolls his shoulders. “Do you have an end game at least? This way we can figure this shit out together.”

  I fold my arms across my chest and give him a look. “My end game is to kill Travine.”

  “So I gather—”

  “And the DeLuca Council...all the members of the DeLuca Council.”

  Including myself.

  “Whoa, hold up.” He makes a face. “What's the DeLuca council have to do with anything—son of a bitch. They're working with Travine now, aren't they? They're the powerful people backing him.”

  I nod. “And they'll kill Lou-Lou...and whoever else I care about if I kill him.”

  “Jesus Christ.”

  “I didn't want to tell you. Not until I figured out a plan to keep everyone safe. I'm in a really fucked up position right now, Jackson.”

  “Guess that explains why Travine's not dead already,” he scoffs. “I didn't realize that when I said you had a good reason for keeping him alive, I was actually right. We're all on the chopping block, aren't we?”

  “Pretty much,” I whisper, feeling like a weight just got lifted as well as added. “I'm sorry.”

  Jackson's silent for a few moments, no doubt letting everything sink in.

  “Okay, so you have to take out the Council and then Travine—”

  “Wrong,” I correct him. “Travine comes first, then the Council.”

  “That's where you're wrong, brother. I understand why you want to take out Travine first, but I think the Council should come first.”

  When I open my mouth to interject he says, “Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm assuming they're watching Travine and you pretty closely.”

  When I nod he continues, “Which means the second you take out Travine, the council will be ready to attack.”

  “I know, that right there is my biggest roadblock. I need to figure out a way to keep you all safe so I can take out the council right after.”

  He shakes his head. “No you don't. Look, Ricardo you're one of the smartest people I know, but this shit has your brain all messed up. I know you want to take out Travine. I know he's your end goal. But get out of your tunnel vision for a second. Because if you do, you'll see the best way of going about this is to take out the council first. This way, all we have to do is take out Travine after and it's a piece of cake.”

  He thinks for a moment. “Now you said you wanted to kill all the members of the council?“

  “Yeah, that's the only way to do it. I know after I kill Travine they'll request a meeting. But not before they kill—” I pause and close my eyes. “You already know.”

  “How were you planning on taking them out?”

  “Easy, I'm gonna bomb them.”

  “So why don't you just do that before Travine.”

  “Because I need a reason for the meeting with them. They'll find it strange if I just show up without being called there. Plus, I don't want to leave Lou-Lou without knowing for sure that Travine is dead. I have to kill Travine first, there's no other way.”

  He sighs and leans back in his chair, appearing to be lost in deep thought. “Yeah there is.”

  “How?”

  “Lou-Lou.”

  I make a fist, ready to send him sailing across the room, until he says, “I don't mean putting her directly in their path. In fact, I think my idea will actually protect her while you're gone.”

  “I don't follow.”

  “Think about it, what does the Council want more than anything? Why do they hate Lou-Lou so much right now?”

  That's when it hits me. “You think I should tell them she's pregnant?” I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. “That won't work, they'll want proof.”

  “Not necessarily, because all you need to prove to them while you're in that room is that it's a possibility. Sure you'll need some proof, which I can help you get, but if you plant the seed, that's literally all it takes. Then once they fold, you tell them you want to kill Travine in exchange for the baby...you tell them to call Travine and have him meet you for a meeting once you get back.”

  He takes a breath. “Tell the council to make him believe he's getting Lou-Lou in exchange for him not killing you, or us...something believable. Make sure they tell him to come unarmed. He trusts the council and he knows neither he nor you can go against them. Then once you get back here and you meet him— it will be me that he gets in the exchange...along with the bullet to his face.”

  That's not a horrible plan. “That could work...but I really don't think the council's gonna believe she's pregnant considering she can't have children anymore.”

  “Did any of their doctors ever check her out? “

  “No but—”

  “Then they have no way of knowing that for sure. All you need is the seed, brother—the tiniest ray of hope.”

  “Yeah but I only have a little over a week left. I'm pretty sure they'll put two and two together and figure out it's not possible for her to be pregnant. Not by me anyway.”

  He sits upright. “How long has Lou-Lou been with you?”

  I do the calculations in my head. “A little over two weeks.”

  “You need to wait about another week then.”

  When I give him a look he says, “The earliest you'll get a positive result on a pregnancy test is 21 days after you last had unprotected sex.” When I give him another look he says, “I read the fucking pamphlets in the waiting room when we go see Alyssa's doctor, asshole.”

  He shifts in his seat. “Anyway, since Alyssa's pregnant I can get you a positive pregnancy test no problem. You bring it with you and show them. Maybe you can also pay a doctor to falsify a blood test to make it even more believable.” He looks down. “I'm not saying it's foolproof, but I think it's the only way to pull this off.”

  I drag a hand down my face and nod. “You're probably right. I just—this has to stay between us. Not even Tyrone can know right now because he'll just get all freaked out and do something he shouldn't.”

  “Like set up a meeting with the council in exchange for all our lives and get himself killed?”

  “Exactly, I want to keep him and everyone else safe.” I pin him with a stare. “Which is exactly why you won't be coming to the meeting that I set up with Travine either. I'll take him out myself.”

  “Fuck that. I'm coming in through the back when he least expects me. This way when he tries to shoot your ass, because he will once he realizes Lou-Lou's not there, I can shoot him.”

  “No, Jackson. I—”

  “This isn't up for debate.” His lips turn up. “You've already saved my life...twice bitch. The least I can do is save yours once.”

  I stand up and walk to the door. “I'll argue with you more about this later. I have to get back to her.”

  “Ricardo,” he calls out.

  When I turn back around he says, “I don't hate her. I wo
uld take care of her and protect her if I needed to, you never have to worry about that.”

  “Thanks,” I whisper before I close the door behind me, ignoring the beating my heart takes with those words.

  Chapter 29 (Lou-Lou)

  I reach over, turn off the faucet, and lay back in the tub.

  Then I close my eyes and expel every ounce of air from my lungs before I sink down and plunge myself under the water.

  My lungs burn and white spots form in front of my eyes right before I start to drift off.

  My body is at war with itself—the compulsion to breathe is a basic biological response...but so is fear.

  I don't want to live in a world where monsters never die. I don't want to live in a world where I can't get better and I'll always be held captive by my past.

  I want to be free.

  A pair of large hands haul me up so fast I get whiplash. Before I can take a breath, I'm being crushed against a large chest and held tighter than I've ever been held before.

  “I knew I shouldn't have left you,” Ricardo says, sounding absolutely petrified.

  He cradles my face in his hands. “Don't ever do that to me again.”

  “He's gonna find me, Ricardo,” I say, my voice shaking because my skin is crawling and this feeling keeps sucking me under. “Sooner or later, he's going to find me. And when he does, he's not gonna kill me...he's going to do something much worse...over and over again.”

  “No he's not, baby. I won't let that happen—”

  “It was the monster.” When Ricardo gives me a questioning look I tell him, “He said it was the monster who made him do it. He said it wasn't his fault, but the sick monster inside him, the monster that would never die. The monster who chose me.”

  My stomach lurches and tears fill my eyes. “The worst part is, I believed him. For so many years I believed that it wasn't really his fault. That my Daddy loved me and he was just as tormented as I was. Even when he tortured me in the most horrific ways every night in my bedroom, I still loved him. Because in my head, it wasn't my father doing it to me...it was the monster.”

  He moves behind me and presses my back against his chest, holding me against him as I continue. “He made me unlovable. He made me crazy. He made me dirty. He made me believe I deserved what he did, that it was all my fault, not his. He made me a shell of a girl I've never been—a girl I could have been but he killed her before I ever had a chance.”

  I crane my neck to look at him. “There's no point in saving me anymore, Ricardo, because there's nothing left here to save. I'm nothing but skin and bones, something the bad men use to ease their sick urges. It's all I ever was and it's all I'll ever be.”

  My heart recoils and I start scratching and picking at my skin. “The harder I fight...the worse the war inside me gets. The shame will never go away. Every day I wake up with hope. Hope that I won't be me anymore...and every day that hope is shattered. Every day I'm rotting from the inside out over and over again.”

  I look up at him through my tears and my heart crumbles like paper. “The fucked up thing is...I don't want to be this girl anymore. I don't want to be his victim but I don't know how to be anything else. I was never taught how to be anything else, so there's no way I could possibly ever learn. I don't know what the first step is and I don't know how to mend.”

  I start shaking so hard my teeth begin chattering. “Fix me, Ricardo. Please fix me. I can't live like this anymore...I'd rather die.”

  His expression turns pained and he clutches me harder. “I can't fix you, baby. I told you, you're not the broken one—you keep carrying the pieces of them around with you. Until you realize that yourself, until it finally clicks and you let those pieces go for good...it's not going to go away.”

  I start crying harder but he cups my face in his hands. “I love you, Lou-Lou and I can be here for you. I can be here when you want to fall apart and I'll love you through all the pain. I'll show you you're something worth loving, because you are. I can and I will always love you, Lou-Lou. Every single part, every single piece, whether or not they're put back together.”

  He tips my chin up. “But you don't get to check out. I don't care how hard it gets, you keep fighting. You don't let that little girl win, because she's what's holding you back. She's what's making you weak.”

  He kisses my cheek. “You need to let her go, baby, or you'll be trapped forever. I'm not saying it's simple or that it will be easy...but you need to try. You need to stop believing that you're her, or she'll keep controlling every aspect of your life. She'll keep tarnishing every good thing that happens to you.”

  He brushes my hair off my face. “And you deserve to feel all the good things that happen to you. I want you to have every single fairytale you ever wished for, all the good things in life that you deserve. So let her die in this tub, Lou-Lou, not you.”

  He's right. I thought I let her go and she died when I killed DeLuca, but she never really went away. And neither did the shame, because I carry it with me daily. Because the little girl in the bathtub won't let it go away...it's all she's ever known.

  She doesn't understand that she's not dirty.

  She doesn't understand that she deserves to be loved.

  She doesn't understand that she can be strong...because she still doesn't understand that it wasn't her fault.

  The shame can never go away until I finally understand that. Until I finally realize that although I didn't choose to be his victim...it's my choice to keep remaining one. Whether he's alive or dead, I'm still the one who keeps making the choice to be his victim every single day.

  I still give the monster power over me. I still let him keep taking from me.

  Ricardo reaches for the soap and lathers it on a washcloth. “What are you doing?”

  He plants the most gentle of kisses on my neck and whispers, “Taking care of you. Washing it all away for good, if you'll let me. If you'll trust me.”

  His eyes lock with mine and although I have so many questions and things I want him to explain about our current predicament, this moment is too important right now.

  I've always believed nothing could wash the shame away...because I've never really tried. I just accepted it would be with me always and I would wear it like the ugliest of scars.

  I stand up and reach for the hem of my sopping wet t-shirt before lifting it over my head and throwing it on the floor beside the tub.

  His eyes blaze, but it's so much more than arousal. It's that intense love that burns in them for me. The love that reaches places inside me that only he can find. The places that are meant for him and him only.

  Ricardo will love me in whatever form I come in. Damaged little girl, his father's mistress, a spiteful and hurtful bitch.

  And most importantly—the woman he sees me as.

  The woman who's not a victim, but a fighter. A survivor. The woman I want to be someday.

  He flicks open the button on my jeans and slips his hands inside. That familiar and potent rush of heat runs through me and my heart begins to race when he slowly slides them off my hips and I step out of the heavy wet denim.

  He turns the faucet back on, warming the water before he gently runs the soapy washcloth over my legs and my thighs, taking his time, being delicate and caring.

  When his gaze falls between my legs and lingers, my heart hammers in my chest so hard, I feel it all the way down to my toes.

  I love that even though he's had me too many times to count, he never acts like it. He treats each time like it's still our first time.

  Every time we're together, it feels like something new and undiscovered, yet so familiar and instinctive.

  I've never known what love was before, but I know what it is now.

  It's acceptance, it's nurturing, it's longing, it's sacrifice, and it's pain. It's beauty in the darkest places. A shred of light where there is none.

  It's Ricardo and me.

  Two people who should have never ended up together, but needed to find one ano
ther in order to go on living.

  “Can I?” he questions, his fingers tracing the edges of my underwear.

  When I nod, he grips my hips and pulls me to his mouth. Need coils in my belly when he plants a gentle kiss there.

  I'm brought back to the night where he kissed every part of me that hurt, every part of me that had been violated by others. The night I gave him my entire heart, every screwed up piece of it, I just didn't realize it at the time.

  He continues planting gentle kisses all over my body, sparing no part. Making sure each kiss is filled with so much love and tenderness, I have no choice but to soak it in and take all he has to give as he washes away the sins of the past.

  My Ricky's far from a saint now, but he keeps the best parts of himself reserved for me. He becomes whatever I need him to be. The playful, cocky bastard, the coach, the dark savior.

  The protector, the murderer, the healer.

  Ricardo molds himself for me, turns himself inside out for me. He treats me like I'm his shrine and worships me like I'm a goddess. When I lose myself, he's right there, pulling me back to him where I belong. Making sure I don't drown.

  His fingers slowly trail their way up my thighs, shooting bolts of electricity throughout me before he finally hooks a finger onto the sides of my panties and lowers them.

  He nuzzles my sex and inhales me like he always does, like he can't get enough of me.

  I can feel my face and chest break out in a deep flush and goosebumps dance across my flesh.

  I see a hint of that cocky smirk on his face when he notices my reaction and I know right then that this is far from over.

  This is only the beginning, he's going to kill me over and over again tonight and I'm going to let him.

  He shifts so he's sitting on the over-sized ledge of the tub and positions himself so he's eye level with my breasts. I rest my hands on his shoulders as he reaches around and unhooks my bra before letting it drop in the water.

  His eyes heat right before he lowers his mouth to my nipple and sucks. He brings the washcloth around to my backside when he moves on to my other nipple and the warm soapy water relaxes me as I melt into him.