by Ashley Jade
She looks down and pats her tummy. “Jackson keeps telling me that I'll always carry the best parts of them with me, but I don't think I believed it until now.”
She sits down on the couch and looks at me. “I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you before, and I'm really sorry I called you a whore. That was uncalled for and not true.”
She points to herself. “Jackson was right, me out of all people should never call another woman that. I've had my fair share of slut shaming and it wasn't exactly a picnic.”
I open my mouth but she holds up a finger. “Jackson was also right about another thing, too. None of us were better off without you...especially Ricardo. I'm not going to lie to you, he scares the shit out of me, Lou-Lou. Mostly because he's so unpredictable and well, he's freaking scary.”
She rubs her forehead. “Now that I think of it, he's actually the storm in everyone's lives.” She shrugs. “I guess what I'm trying to say is that as unpredictable and scary as he is, you have a way of taming him. Well, when you want to. I've never seen anything like it. I mean, me and Jackson feed off each others energy sometimes, and there's always an out of this world connection between us, and when he hurts I hurt and vice versa. But you and Ricardo?”
She puts a hand over her heart and inhales deeply. “I don't know if you two will end up killing each other or end up happily ever after. You both are volatile together and...I don't know, Lou-Lou. It's intense...there's just so...much between you two when you're together. I honestly don't know how you deal with it.”
She makes a face. “I'm sorry, that was rude. I just—damn. I knew you and Ricardo had a history back then, heck I even teased you both about being Romeo and Juliet when I took you hostage...I just didn't think I was actually right.”
I'm at a loss for words, because she's not exactly wrong. All of those things describe me and Ricardo's relationship perfectly...and then some.
And she's right...Ricardo DeLuca is the storm. A very dark and dangerous storm.
A storm I'll never tame or calm, because I love the intensity of it.
A storm I don't want to survive, because I want to live inside it forever.
I'll dance in Ricardo's storm for as long as I live.
Until the day it kills us both.
She looks around the apartment. “Well now that we've got the fighting, the tears, and the serious conversation out of the way. Is there anything else you want to do?”
I can't help but laugh as I sit down beside her. “I don't know, is there anything you need help with around here? I know there are certain things you can't do in your, um...condition.”
She gives me a strange look. “I'm pregnant, not disabled.” Her eyes drop down and she curses. “God, I am batting a thousand today, huh?” she says sarcastically before her expression turns pained.
She smooths her hands on her pants and her eyes swivel to mine. “Jackson wouldn't go into any details the other night, all he said was not to talk about the baby that much in front of you and Ricardo.” Her face fills with sorrow. “I'm so sorry, I had no idea.”
I have to swallow the lump in my throat before I can speak. “It wasn't your fault. I—um. I'm dealing with it the best that I can.”
“If you ever need to talk about it, I'm here.” She fidgets uncomfortably. “At the risk of you punching me in the face, I want you to know that miscarriages are common. It wasn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong—”
“It wasn't a miscarriage...it wasn't an abortion either. My baby was taken from me.” I bring my knees up to my chest. “But you're wrong, it was all my fault.”
“I don't understand—”
I take a deep breath...the deepest breath I've ever taken before I tell her everything that happened.
I tell her what DeLuca took from me and Ricardo.
I tell her how it was all my fault.
This time it's me who's a blubbering mess as Alyssa consoles me.
She sweeps my hair back and looks at me. “God, Lou-Lou, I'm so sorry. But still, it wasn't your fault.”
Before I have a chance to argue with her, she folds me in her arms. “You were forced to make the worst choice I've ever heard of. DeLuca would have killed Ricardo, and then he would have forced you to raise the baby as a DeLuca.”
“I know, but I chose—”
Her grip on my face tightens. “If you never listen to or believe another word that comes out of my mouth in this lifetime, please listen to me right now.”
Her demeanor is so pressing and her tone is so stern, it leaves no room for argument.
“Jackson and I went to a few lamaze classes,” she starts. “I'm not dumb, I want the epidural, plus I devour pregnancy books like they're going out of style and call my doctor every time I so much as have a weird hiccup, so the classes were mostly for him. He said he's a visual learner so I thought the classes would be a good idea.”
When I open my mouth, she holds up a hand and says, “I swear, there's a point to this story. Please let me finish.”
I nod and give her my undivided attention.
“We were I think about 4 classes in when a new couple arrived. The dad was real nervous, and he had clearly done his research because every time the teacher tried to do a group quiz, he would interrupt with the answers. We didn't think anything of it, you could tell he was super anxious about becoming a first time father like most dad's in the room.”
Her brows knit together. “Anyway, she finally put on the dreaded birthing video...I say dreaded because that shit is scarier than the exorcist to a woman who's pregnant with her first baby. Most of the dad's were doing their best to calm the mother's, lots of hand holding, coddling, the whole nine. But this guy...he was just zoned in on the screen looking like he was about to fall apart. Even Jackson got worried.”
She takes a breath. “The teacher went over to him and reminded him that childbirth was the most natural thing in the world and that women have been doing it for centuries...but he just wigged out. He stood up and started shouting all these statistics regarding women and children that die while giving birth. And then he started pointing at us and telling us that either one of us or one of our babies wouldn't make it out alive.”
I slap my hand over my mouth, completely outraged for her. “Oh my god, that's horrible.”
“I know, the teacher kept trying to calm him down, but eventually she had to call security to come get him. Jackson would have dealt with him, but during his break down he looked at Jackson and said— 'Your girl or your baby, who you gonna choose, man?' And that's when I started freaking out and needed Jackson to stay with me.”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah, it was really scary, and it's why we haven't been to a class since.”
She shifts on the couch to face me. “Anyway, the point of me telling you all that is this—On our cab ride home, I asked Jackson who he would choose.”
She looks down. “I needed to know, I needed to know that if that situation were to ever take place...he would save our baby.”
She tears up again and I do as well. “He said he couldn't do it. He said he refused to answer and got really upset. When I kept pestering him about it, he ended up exploding and shouting that he would save me.”
She gives her head a shake. “I was so upset, but then he asked me the same question...and I...I ended up choosing him as well.”
She cups my face in her hands. “There are a thousand different reasons why we chose each other. Everything from already knowing and loving each other, to who would have the better outcome. But none of that matters, because all you need to know is this...losing your baby wasn't your fault, Lou-Lou. You choosing Ricardo wasn't your fault. You were in the worst situation, a situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and you had to make a snap decision.”
She hugs me tight. “It wasn't your fault. You still protected someone in that room. You protected someone with all your heart and soul, but it doesn't mean you didn't protect your baby. It doesn't mean you deserved to lose your baby.
It's not your fault, Lou-Lou. It's Bruno DeLuca's fault. Put the blame on him where it belongs.”
Something in my heart cracks and mends and I hug her tight. I never thought of it that way before, and although it doesn't change the heartache over losing Thumper, it comforts me in some small way. It gives me a thought to cling to in my darkest moments.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Thank you so much.”
I hear Jackson clear his throat, looking understandably confused because when he last saw us, it was Alyssa who was hysterical in my arms.
Alyssa waves him off. “Go away, Jackson. We're talking.”
Jackson throws up his hands. “I'm gonna fix myself some food, do you two want anything?”
Alyssa shoots him a look as if to say, 'Are you kidding me?' And Jackson grins from ear to ear. “The usual, got it,” he says, before disappearing into the kitchen.
“Mayo and ketchup instead of mustard this time,” she calls out and he mutters something under his breath.
I pull away and look down at her belly. “How far along are you?”
She couldn't help the smile on her face if she tried. “I literally just hit 27 weeks today. I—god. It's crazy. At first it felt like I had so much time to get prepared, even after the trial, and now, it just hit me that I don't.”
She puts her hands on her head. “The nursery's not even done yet and we still have to go shopping for more stuff and—”
I reach for her hands. “Relax, I'm pretty sure stress isn't good for the baby. You have plenty of time. We can all pitch in and help with the nursery and we can all help you go shopping.”
I hear the front door open and Tyrone, Shelby, and Momma walk inside.
“Really? I mean, I wouldn't ask you to go shopping or help with the nursery, not after—”
“I can do it,” I tell her. “I want to do it.”
Jackson walks back into the room and I adjust in my seat. “Wicked step-sister or not, technically I'm this kid's aunt...so good luck keeping me away. In fact, I can start helping with the nursery after dinner if you want.”
I hear the front door open again. This time, it's Ricardo who walks in and my heart stutters in my chest just like it always does.
Jackson throws his hands up again. “No. You don't have to do that.”
“Do what?” Ricardo questions when he enters the living room.
Jackson looks around at all of us, appearing exasperated now. “I finished the nursery today.”
He gestures to me. “Thanks to Lou-Lou keeping Alyssa occupied for a few hours, I didn't have micro-managing Momma—”
“Hey!” Momma shouts and Jackson rolls his eyes. “Not you, Momma.” He looks at Alyssa and grins. “This Momma.”
“I don't micro-manage,” Alyssa says defensively. “I just think it should be sheep or pigs.” Her eyes sharpen. “Pick one, Jackson. Because you can't have both.”
“Well I would, but you keep changing your mind every two seconds.”
Alyssa opens her mouth to argue, but Jackson takes her hand and helps her off the couch. “Like I was saying, thanks to Lou-Lou keeping you occupied for a few hours, I was finally able to get everything done. The nursery's finished. I even put that mobile thing up and folded and put away all the baby clothes that you washed.”
Alyssa springs into his arms. “I love you,” she says, breaking into tears once again. “Can we go see it?”
He nods, until he looks at me and Ricardo. “I mean, um—”
His sentence is cut off when everyone, including me and Ricardo, rush to Tyrone's old bedroom.
“Oh my god,”Alyssa cries when we enter. “It's so beautiful.”
She's right, it really is. This is the most perfect nursery if there ever was one. Jackson did an amazing job.
Alyssa looks back at me and crinkles her nose. “He went with the pigs.” She cups her hand over her mouth. “I was secretly hoping for the pigs.”
She's so excited right now, I think Jackson could have went with a full on bloody zombie apocalypse theme and it wouldn't make a world of difference to her.
She peers down inside the crib and gasps. “There's a goblin blanket in here. When did you get that, Jackson?”
Jackson digs his hands into his pockets. “I didn't.” He gestures to Ricardo. “That was Uncle Godfather over here.”
Ricardo smacks the back of his head. “Uncle Ricardo will be just fine.”
Alyssa looks at him. “You...you got my baby a goblin blanket?”
There's a tone in her voice that isn't exactly pleasant and Ricardo looks uneasy.
I'm about ready to step in and defend him but then he says, “I wanted—I want your baby to have something from his grandfather. He was an amazing man and deserves to be remembered. I'm sorry I didn't ask you first, I probably should have. I just saw it and needed to get it. I can take it back and get you something else if you want.”
“No.” Alyssa shakes her head furiously. “Don't you dare. It's perfect. I think it's my favorite thing in this whole entire room. The baby's going to love it.”
He lifts a shoulder in a shrug. “It was nothing.”
Alyssa stares at him, holding his gaze. “Not to me it wasn't. Thank you, Ricardo.”
He gives her a small nod and looks away. “Welcome.”
Alyssa looks at me and something crosses in our gaze. I think she finally sees some of what I do. That even though Ricardo is dangerous, can be scary at times, and he often does things that are questionable at best...there's a certain part of him he saves for the people he loves.
He has a heart of a soldier and would go to battle for the people he loves. He would protect us all, no matter the cost.
Tyrone looks around the room and whistles. “Little man is lucky. Lots of fond memories in this room. It's good to know I'll be passing some of my ladies man luck onto him.”
Shelby's face contorts into an angry expression and quite honestly I can't blame her.
Even though I'm positive Tyrone didn't really think his statement through before he said it. Something he's clearly regretting when Momma whacks him upside the head.
He reaches for Shelby but she steps to the side. “Sugar plum,” he drawls. “That did not come out right at all.” He looks at Ricardo and Jackson. “A little help here, guys.”
Ricardo and Jackson exchange a glance.
“You're on you own, brother,” Jackson says, tugging Alyssa to his side.
“Well if it's any consolation,” I whisper to the floor. “The women he brought home usually had shaved heads and tattoos on their face.”
Ricardo's lips quirk up. “Don't forget about the riding crop.”
I snort. “Yeah, Shelby, I don't think you have to beat him too bad, I'm pretty sure it's already been done.”
Shelby laughs so hard I think she's going to fall over. “Is that what those women did to you, Tyrone? They hit you with objects?”
He straightens himself in his chair and puts on a serious face. “Yes, I was so devastated over losing you, I felt I needed to be beaten for it...weekly.”
He steals a glance at Ricardo and Jackson again. “Right?”
They both nod emphatically. “Right,” they say at the same time. “That's Shelby's dick.”
They both burst into hysterical laughter, I can only assume it must be some kind of inside joke between the three of them.
Shelby raises an eyebrow. “I don't buy it for a second...but luckily you have an entire lifetime to make it up to me.”
She points around the room. “And you can start by ordering takeout and buying everyone dinner to celebrate the nursery being done.”
“Takeout?” Momma shrieks, looking appalled.
I rub Momma's shoulders as we all start walking out of the room.
“Yes, takeout, Momma. It's not gonna kill you. Believe me, you haven't lived until you've had New York pizza.”
She sniffs and tuts. “Bet I can make pizza better.”
I kiss her cheek. “I bet you can, but take the night
off and relax for once.”
“Fine, but I'm making some side dishes to go with this pizza.” She says the word like it leaves a bad taste in her mouth and I fight the urge to roll my eyes.
Ricardo looks like he wants to say something but I stop him. “Don't bother, Ricardo. Let the woman make some food.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses the top of my head. “You have fun today?”
Alyssa looks at me and I smile. “Not exactly, but I think today was necessary.”
Before Ricardo can question me further, Alyssa grabs my hand and leads me to the living room. “I'll give her back later, godfather,” she says and Ricardo's eyebrows shoot up.
Tyrone pouts. “Hey, I thought I was the godfather?”
“You're the godmother,” Alyssa says deadpan and Tyrone looks horrified.
“Jackson,” Tyrone barks, turning his chair around to face him. “Brother, we need to have a serious conversation about this. Ain't nothing godly about making me this baby's godmother.”
The room erupts in laughter and I can honestly say, it's one of the best nights I've ever had.
We settle in on the couch again and Alyssa squeaks. Jackson's across the room talking to Ricardo about something, but I don't miss the way he pauses mid sentence and stares at her, ready to come over.
She throws up a hand. “I'm fine, Jackson. The baby just wanted me to know he was awake.” She looks uncomfortable. “By kicking me in the damn bladder.” She grips the side of the couch and looks down. “Thank you.”
“Can I?” The words are out of my mouth before I even have a chance to process them.
Alyssa chews on her bottom lip and I feel like a fool for even asking. Maybe this one day didn't fix all our issues. Maybe she thinks I'll end up harming her baby, I couldn't blame her if she did.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked, of course you don't want me touching your belly. I completely understand—”
“No,” she says quickly. “Are you kidding? It's just that our baby is um—” She frowns. “Our baby is really picky. He hasn't kicked or moved for anyone but me and Jackson. Not the Doctor, Not even Momma or Shelby.” She places a hand over her mouth but it does nothing to hide her laughter. “Heck, not even Tyrone. No matter how many times he talks to him about the Hulk.”