by Melanie
"That's ridiculous."
"Not to the crew. Given what they've heard about him, both from the AlphaOmegans and by his own admission, they feel their worry is justified. They don't feel they can fully trust him anymore. Not after everything that happened or came out."
"Do you trust him?"
Chakotay had thought for a moment then sighed deeply. "I don't know. He's admitted to having murdered and tortured people in the past. Whatever the reason for his having done it, he did do it and is capable of doing it again."
"The important question is, is he *willing* to do it? He did it in the past because he was ordered by The Protectors to do it."
"And Camet?"
Kathryn had swallowed hard at the mention of the Cardassian. Finding out Tom had temporarily gone insane, captured, tortured, then killed her and Admiral Paris' former captor and his father had left her with ambivalent feelings. On the one hand, she was glad Camet was dead so the nightmares could stop forever. On the other, she was stunned at her own lack of disdain for Tom's actions. She was opposed to killing on principle, so why did she not hate Tom for what he had done? This question had been haunting her for days without an answer forthcoming.
Seeing her conflict, Chakotay had risen and engulfed her in a hug. "Kathryn, do *you* honestly still trust him?"
"I.... I don't know. Part of me does, yes."
"Is that because you really trust him or is it because you feel grateful for what he did to Camet and you feel you owe him?"
She had not responded and he had not tried to force one out of her.
"Kathryn, the point is he wasn't ordered to kill those Cardassians. Camet. His father. The others. He did it all on his own and that plus what happened to him only a few days ago is what has the crew spooked. It's been proved in the past that he can lose control and go berserk if sufficiently motivated. And only days ago he was in the clutches of Alpha Two, being physically and psychologically tortured and drugged and... Kathryn, it has to have left him unbalanced mentally. I really wouldn't be surprised if he did snap and neither would the crew. They see he has the potential to be a loose cannon and they're scared of what'll happen if or when he goes off again."
She had hugged him back for a long time, thinking. "So what do I do? Do I throw him in the brig for the rest of the trip home? Do I confine him to quarters or Sunfire so no one sees him? Do I do what The Protectors were doing to him? Keep him so drugged he can't even think for himself and won't be a danger to us?"
"I don't know. Removing him from Sickbay is a necessary start I'd say. At least until both he and the crew have settled down."
"The Doctor's not going to like it. He says Tom has an aptitude for medicine, when he pays proper attention to his studies that is. After all the time he's spent training him...."
"He'll have him in Sickbay again as soon as the crew is assured Tom isn't a danger to them. When that will be... I don't know. Maybe he can keep studying medicine but in his quarters or on the Holodeck or something."
"What about the Helm? They don't seem worried about him being there."
"Don't they? Haven't you noticed that whomever's at the Science station is extremely tense for the entire shift?"
"No, not really."
"Well, you haven't been on the Bridge much over the past few days since Paris came back on duty. Whoever is at the Science station usually is relaxed until he assumes the Conn. After that...." He had shaken his head. "Yesterday, the ensign who was there, I thought he was going to snap in two, he was so tense."
"Why?"
"It seems whomever is at that station has been volunteered by the others to monitor the helm controls. As far as I can tell, I think they're thinking, if he does something wrong, they'll catch it in time to save us."
She had shut her eyes at this. "So you think I should remove him from the Helm too?"
"I don't know. Despite everything else, he is our best pilot. If there is trouble, we need him there."
"But everyone will be watching him like the proverbial hawk before, during, and after."
"Yes."
She had drawn herself away from the comforting embrace while she still could. She had been on the verge of saying "Forget it all. I'm just going to stay here, like this for the rest of the voyage. Let the ship take care of itself." Kathryn was finding more frequently that to be the case. While in Chakotay's presence, especially when in his arms, she was forgetting she was the Captain and she had big decisions she was supposed to be making. And those brief moments of respite from her responsibilities were becoming
addictive.
"What about this thing with Megan Delaney? What's that all about?"
"Apparently she's been sticking up for him and doing so rather loudly until yesterday." He shrugged. "Something happened. No one seems to know what, but she won't go anywhere near him or even talk about it. Gerron is on the verge of going for Paris' throat."
Alarmed, her eyes snapped to his. "You don't think Tom did anything to hurt her, do you?"
"There's no bruises or any indications of anything physical having happened, no. But he must have said or done something to convince her to keep her distance."
"Can someone calm Gerron down?"
"I've tried, but I don't know how successful my talking to him was."
"Computer, locate Lieutenant Paris."
"Lieutenant Paris is in Sickbay," the computer had answered.
"I'm going to go talk to him and the Doctor."
"What are you going to do?"
She had paused in the doorway. "I don't know."
Now, as she entered Sickbay through the doors near the Doctor's office, she still did not know. And even if she had, what she saw and heard would have sent the words flying right out of her head.
In the darkened main room of Sickbay sat Tom Paris in a chair next to a biobed. Snuggled down under a blanket was Naomi Wildman, looking pale and weak from her case of 'flu. Unable to stop herself, the Captain moved to the doorway to their area to eavesdrop on the pair as they softly talked.
"But why won't Mommy let you play with me anymore, Tommy?" the little girl asked. "Did I do something bad?"
"No!" Tom insisted loudly then softened his voice once more. "No, Cucumber, it wasn't you. It was me. I did something bad and that's why she won't let me play with you anymore."
"Can't you say you're sorry and won't do it again?"
He smoothed back her hair from her spiked forehead. "That's not enough, Naomi. What I did was very, very bad."
"So you're being punished by not being allowed to play with me?"
"Something like that."
"But I didn't do anything wrong! Why am I being punished? I want to play with you!"
"Naomi, you're not being punished. At least that's not what she means to do." Tom was quiet for a moment then softly admitted the adults' justification for everything. "She doesn't want you playing with me because she doesn't want you to turn out like me."
"Why not?"
"Because of the very bad things I did. I think everyone's scared I'll teach you to do them too."
"Oh," she said, thinking. "What did you do?"
He swallowed hard. "I killed people, Naomi. A lot of them."
"Why?"
"Do you remember those people who were here a few days ago. The ones in the dark blue uniforms?"
Naomi nodded.
"Back in the Alpha Quadrant, I was one of them and The Protectors, the people who picked me to be one of those people, their job is to see that there's peace back home, at least that's what it is supposed to be. So before I came to Voyager, they would send me out to kill people they thought were a threat to the peace."
"Why kill them? Why couldn't you just tell them to behave?"
"The Protectors would try to make them behave, yes, but sometimes it wouldn't work. When it didn't, they'd send me or someone like me to kill them. That way they'd stop."
"Did you want to kill them?"
"Back then, I didn't care one way or the other
, Naomi. The Protectors did things to me and to my mind so I did whatever they told me to do. But now that I know what they did to me and what I did, I wished I hadn't killed those people."
She was quiet for a moment. "But if everyone's scared of *you*, why can't I play with my friends anymore? Are they scared of them too?"
He nodded. "It's because I designed them, Naomi. Everyone's worried I might have programd them to teach you something bad."
"Did you?"
"No."
"Then why don't you tell them that and then I can play with them again?"
"They won't believe me, Cucumber. They think I lied about not knowing about the bad things that I did so I'll lie about other things too."
"Are you lying?"
"No."
"Then they're stupid."
"Naomi, don't you ever call anyone stupid! They are scared and trying to protect themselves and you. That's not stupid."
"But it's not fair!"
"I know. But life isn't fair sometimes. No matter how many times I tell them I'm sorry for what I did and that I'm not a threat to any of them, it won't stop them from being scared. The only thing we can hope for right now is one day they'll remember I'm not all bad and forgive me a little. Then maybe we can play together again."
"But that could be a long time from now. I want to play now!"
"I know." He gently rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "I wish we could, but we can't. You have to obey your mommy. She's only trying to do what she thinks is best for you."
"But-"
"No more 'buts.' You get some rest."
As he started to stand, her little hand grabbed for his and held on tight. "Will you stay with me, Tommy? Till I fall asleep?"
Tom nodded and settled back down just as Naomi's mother burst in, pale and plainly nervous.
The man was up and out of his chair instantly.
Naomi attempted to sit up only to have Tom gently coaxed her back down.
Awkwardly, Sam looked around and noticed the Captain standing in the doorway. "Captain..." she said, not seeming to know how to voice the concerns so evident on her face.
Tom followed the mother's gaze to their superior. His face betrayed nothing.
"Ensign, I heard Naomi's still feeling poorly," the Captain remarked, moving farther into the room. "Tom seems to have everything well in hand. How are you feeling, Naomi? Any better?"
"A little, Captain," the little girl answered. Unconsciously, her little hand tightened its grasp on Tom's ring and pinkie fingers, leaving no doubt, in Kathryn's mind at least, that his presence was the reason the child was feeling that little bit better.
However, he was focusing only on the anxiety he saw in the patient's mother. Gently, he withdrew his fingers from the child's grasp and tucked the hand and arm under the covers then straightened his shoulders. "I'll be in the office until the Doctor returns," he informed them as he walked passed them.
The Captain's heart went out to him as she saw him pretend to become engrossed in the information he called up on the computer on the desk. But she did not have time to go to him and she was not even sure she wanted to what with her own emotions so conflicted about him and his past. That she would sort out later. Right now, she had a now upset child and her near-panicked mother to address.
"Samantha-"
"I don't want him here!" the ensign hissed, her voice surely carrying the couple of meters into the office. "I know what happened to him was not his fault for the most part, but I'm not comfortable with him around my daughter. What if he snaps and does something to her? I feel sorry for him, but Naomi comes first. I have her safety to think of."
Kathryn sighed to herself. 'And I have this crew's safety to think of. But who is thinking of Tom?'
While Naomi objected to her mother's demands, the Captain turned her eyes to Tom. Clearly he *had* heard every word. Like an old man, he slowly rose from chair and disappeared into the lab beyond the office, the shoulders under the blue sweater slumped.
'He can't even keep up his façade anymore?' she wondered to herself.
She remembered the day after the funeral. How stoic he had been then, how straight his posture had been when he had entered Holodeck Two where she, B'Elanna, and representatives from each department on the ship had tensely been waiting for him to appear. Though she had not known it at the time, Chakotay later had informed her of what the scuttlebutt around the ship was saying about Tom. According to it, since no one had seen the pilot since the AlphaOmegans' funeral the day before, some were saying he was too ashamed that everyone now knew his secret past and was hiding on Sunfire. Others said that did not sound
like Paris and claimed the Captain had decided he should remain on the other ship until things had died down on Voyager. Few believed the truth: that he was finishing up repairs on the small ship that carried the consciousness of his late colleague and now bore her name.
Precisely on time, the doors to the Holodeck had opened and Tom Paris had entered. Automatically, all heads had turned towards him, if only for a moment. No one had missed the fact he was wearing, not his Starfleet uniform, or even his AlphaOmegan one, but civilian togs. The odd mode of dress had puzzled everyone, though no one said anything. They had known the Captain was the one who by rights should and would comment. Yet she had not. Tom had a lot to work through right now and if wearing these clothes
helped him in some way, then so be it.
"Since we are all here, I think we should begin," she had said then called up the hologram of Voyager as Tom took the only empty seat at the horseshoe shaped table she had conjured up for the meeting.
He had said no more than he had had to during the discussion on using the AlphaOmegans' plans for altering Voyager to safely travel through the Gopher Hole and back to the Alpha Quadrant. Though the AlphaOmegans were dead or gone, the plans had remained in the ship's computer and with the help of Paris and Sunfire; the idea was to put them to good use. Once the meeting was over, he was the first one to get to his feet and exit the room, sparing everyone the awkwardness of having to decide whether to make small talk with him or not.
'Even then his bearing had been firmly erect, showing no signs of anything bothering him,' she thought. 'But it's finally worn him down.'
She looked at Sam who was attempting to soothe and reason with her little girl. Naomi of course would have none of it.
The EMH chose that moment to enter. He and Kathryn exchanged a look and a mental sigh. The hologram set his medkit on the counter and reached for a hypo of sedative before the Captain stopped him with a shake of the head. Sedating Sam or Naomi was not going to solve anything.
Nor was her trying to talk them into calming down. After twenty minutes, an exhausted Naomi fell asleep and her mother left in a huff after demanding assurances Paris never would be left alone with her daughter ever again. Reluctantly, the Doctor had to concede to her wishes since she was Naomi's mother. Satisfied, Wildman left for her quarters to rest until it was time for her shift.
Alone at last, the Captain quietly outlined the altercation between Sam and Tom and the reason for her presence there. Once she had finished, the Doctor told her of the reaction from the crewmembers he had been treating at the accident site.
"Well, it seems like I'm minus an assistant once more," the Doctor observed sadly.
"I don't want to do it, but clearly it will have to be so until things calm down."
"Yes. We can't have the crew scared of coming into Sickbay when they need to be here. Where is Mr. Paris?"
"He's in your lab."
They entered the lab to find the man in question finishing uploading a report to a padd. He did not look at them as they came in.
"I finished the experiment, Doctor," he said rather formally. "The results are all here."
"Tom," Kathryn began, "we need to talk about-"
"I heard. Obviously, it is for the best. Good evening, Captain, Doctor."
The young man walked passed them and out of Sickbay.
&nbs
p; "It's ironic really," Kathryn murmured. "Just last week at Naomi's birthday party, Ensign Wildman was saying Tom was the one person other than Neelix with whom she completely trusted Naomi."
"And now she won't let him near her." The Doctor looked at the padd in his hand, though not reading the information there. "It is a shame. I thought almost everyone honestly liked him."
She stared at him. "He's still the same man, Doctor."
He met her gaze. "But there certainly is a lot more to him than we knew."
"That shouldn't matter."
"But it seems to the rest of the crew it does."
The far doors to Sickbay opening to admit a patient ended the conversation.
-------
Not knowing where else to go, Tom found a Holodeck with free time open and went there. He did not even have a program in mind when he entered, merely went inside and stood there, trying not to think, for a long while. Finally, he gave in to the computer's repeated requests for a program name, called up the Resort's beach, and sat in the sand, staring out at the normally calming waves.
This time he did not find the lapping and rolling calming at all. All he felt was the loneliness growing and growing inside of him. For all intents and purposes he was as isolated from the crew as he would have been were he stranded on some planet a thousand light years away without a transponder to tell anyone where he was. Moreover, the voices in his head, that of Camet and the others he had killed seemed to have abandoned him. For the first time in his life, he was totally alone. Even after his admission of the truth about Caldik Prime he had not been this alone. There always had been Sandrine to coddle him or some not so discriminating female who was willing to spend time with his handsome face and handsomer body. There was no chance of that now, not with everyone on Voyager against him. And besides, B'Elanna was the only woman he wanted now, not that he truly had *wanted* emotionally any of the women he had bedded in his past life as a womanizer.
Arms hanging over up drawn knees, he let his head hang limp. 'Why am I even bothering?' he asked himself. 'They don't need me. They certainly don't *want* me. Why do I stay?'
'Because you have nowhere to go,' he answered himself. 'If you leave the Voyager, you'll be stranded here in the Delta Quadrant, totally on your own, without anything familiar to you. You'd be a target for anyone who'd ever heard of Voyager and what she could do. You'd be hunted down, eventually captured, and tortured into telling all you know about her. Even you can't hold out to torture forever. And then where would this crew be? The ship would be vulnerable to attack and some, if not all, would die.'