Guarded Heart

by C. A. Harms

  Once I walked outside and the cold air hit my face I stopped trying to make the tears go away. They fell heavy for a few minutes as I leaned against the wall and put my hand to my mouth. I found my way back in about ten minutes later and walked right into Wes’s back…Damn it why can’t I watch where I am going. I quickly said sorry and squeezed around without looking up. I didn’t want him to see my tears…I didn’t need his concern. He stared after me as I went straight for the bathroom. I just needed to breathe. I could do this it was just one night. I put some cold water on my cheeks and cleaned up my mascara that was slightly smudged from my tears. After taken some more deep breaths I then opened the door to go back out to the party.

  “How have you been Sam?” I jumped and screamed at the same time. Wes was leaning against a barstool when I walked right passed him without noticing. After my breathing had slowed and I tugged at my shirt just to make sure the bump was not to obvious I looked at him and that damn grin. “I’m fine Wes.” I pointed to the girl sitting over at the table where he left her. She was glaring in our direction, “Your date looks lonely, better get back to her.” I took off before he could say anything. I made sure I stayed right with Alli I knew Wes would keep his distance…she was pissed as hell that he brought a date.

  A few hours had passed and all the guys from Mitch’s work were at the bar lining up the shots including Wes and things were getting wild. I learned his dates name was Carrie and apparently this was there second date. She actually worked in the office at their construction company. How sweet…I tried to avoid them as much as possible I cringed every single time she touched him. Her hand brushing his arm or grabbing him around his waist and at one point she leaned in to him and kissed his cheek as he was chasing a shot with his beer. It appeared he was a little surprised by that action and his eyes immediately found mine. I looked away quickly and took a drink of my water. The guys were getting rowdy and they were all now pretty drunk and slightly obnoxious.

  I sat next to Allison who sat next to Mitch. I was turned toward the band but looking down at the floor when I felt him. I looked up and he stood directly in front of me as his date was looking from a few chairs down she appeared to be a little confused. “Can I buy you a drink…please?” I shook my head, “Come on just one…do a shot with me.” I looked at Allison who looked like she was about to tell him off I shook my head just barely at her but enough that she understood. I looked back up at him, “Wes, I don’t drink…so no.” He laughed, “Since when don’t you drink? I just think you don’t want me buying you one…bet you would take one if someone else bought it huh.” I had no time to answer and I about fell out of my chair when Mitch slammed his drink down onto the bar puffed his chest all out and let Wes have it.

  “She doesn’t fucking drink dumb fuck…not since your ass knocked her up and then ran back to your fucking ex-wife leaving her alone to take care of it all. I mean what kind of man does that. You hurt her…you fucking crushed her. You think this has all been easy for her…poor girl has been on her own while you been doing god knows what she has been having killer morning sickness, passing out and having all sorts of complications with this pregnancy. Then you bring a fucking date to a party you knew she would be at…that’s some cold shit Wes…fucking cold!”

  I seriously felt the heat in my face and I knew by the feeling I was having I was definitely about to get sick…I took deep breaths to try and slow it down. I could hear Alison telling Mitch to shut up. “You’re pregnant?” I couldn’t look at him I just needed to get out of here fast. I started to get up and he reached out to grab my waist to hold me still and then he moved his hands over to my lower stomach and looked down. I couldn’t stop my tears from falling as he kept his hands right on my baby bump…on our little bean. After a minute he looked up and his eyes were glassy and tears pooled but didn’t fall. His lip trembled as he spoke, “Sam…your carrying my baby...your pregnant…with my baby.” I couldn’t handle this. My throat was burning and my chest was tight. I needed a moment I got up and went to the bathroom. Allison was right behind me.

  I let the tears fall as I slid down the wall to the floor I knew I shouldn’t be on a bathroom floor in some banquet room at a bar but I didn’t have enough strength in my legs to hold me up. Allison was sitting on the floor right in front of me as I cried, “At least he knows now…Mitch is mad at himself but in his defense the alcohol made him temporarily insane.” She was trying for a smile and I gave her a light one. A light knock came on the door and Mitch slowly stuck his head in, “Do you hate me?” I made sure he knew I was not mad and everything was okay. I knew I needed to talk to Wes there was no way to avoid it now.

  Twenty six

  I waited it out in the bathroom until I could no longer cry and that I knew I wasn’t going to be sick. When I walked out I found the nearest table and sat down with my water as I sipped it slowly. Wes was in what appeared to be a heated argument with Carrie his date. He finally noticed I was now sitting across the room at the table and he turned away from her and came straight toward me. Carrie hollered after him and put her hands on her hips before storming off toward the bar.

  “Can I sit?” He motioned to the chair next to me. I nodded and he pulled the chair over closer so when he sat down he would be directly in front of me. “I know I should have told you sooner and I’m sorry”, I couldn’t look up at him. He reached out and tilted my chin up, “Your right you should have told me as soon as you found out. I should have been there through it all. I should have been with every time you were sick and needed to see the doctor, I can guarantee you something I am here now whether you want me to be or not.” I shook my head, “No…I won’t keep your baby from you Wes I won’t but I am fine on my own. I don’t want you to think you are stuck with me. You should continue your life and we… we’ll work the details out later.” He just stared at me and then he reached forward and placed his fingertips under the edge of my shirt directly on my skin. He slipped his hands in further so his palms were now both stretched out over my bump, “I don’t want you just because you are carrying my baby Sam. I have never stopped wanting you. I never stopped loving you…I want to raise our baby together because I am in love with you not because I feel I have too. Don’t take that from me Sam please…I am begging you don’t.” I didn’t have the chance to say anything he lowered his head into my lap directly over his hands. He was shaking and when I placed my hand on his back I realized he was crying.

  When he rose up his face and eyes were slick with tears. He kissed me softly and rested his forehead against mine with his eyes still closed. I waited for the next move unsure of how to respond I had never witnessed a man cry like he just did. I was speechless and confused. “How many times do I have to tell you I love you before you believe me? I went on two dates both with Carrie. I am not attracted to her she was a distraction. You have my entire heart baby…you always have.” I had no right to ask the next question but I did anyway, “Did you sleep with her?” He looked at me without answering and I feared the answer as my heart raced. “No…you are the last person I have been with Sam. It wasn’t like that not with her and definitely not with Sarah. Carrie and I kissed once but it was more of a quick goodbye kiss. I swear to you I was faithful the entire time we were together and since we haven’t been.

  It was close to two in the morning when we had finished talking and Carrie looked pissed off glaring over in our direction. I told Wes he needed to take her home and I was going to go home to bed I was exhausted from all the crying and talking. It had been a long day getting things ready and I had been going since seven that morning. I got up to walk in Allison’s direction only to have him wrap his hands around my waist from behind and pulled me back into him. His hands were rested on my tummy lightly rubbing through my shirt I seen Carrie staring from across the room like I was stealing her man as if they were married or something. I didn’t owe this girl a damn thing she had no idea what was going on. She didn’t know our history and how we got right where we are at thi
s moment. Fuck her and her nasty glares.

  I let my body relax back into his because he felt so familiar and at that moment I realized just how much I had missed him. His smell, his touch, his amazing sexy voice and I missed the way he loved me. “I love you baby, I am going to take care of you Sam and our little baby. I promise you that I am not going anywhere and I will never hurt you again. Let me back in Samantha…please I will do anything to be what we were before all this. I miss you so much and Kayla misses you. I want you and I want our baby…please let me take care of both of you. Let me in…please.” I turned to face him running my hands along his side and around his back, “I will try…I promise. It won’t be easy but I’ll try.” He kissed the top of my head and to prove a point to ‘Miss Pissy’ still glaring from across the room I went a step further. “Kiss me!” He grinned at me and did just as I asked. Bringing his hand to the side of my face leaving the other on my hip he lowered his lips to mine. Slowly kissing me at first…very softly, then pressing just a little harder the familiar teasing of his tongue began. I was hungry for his kiss without knowing it until now…I was starving for him but I knew I had to control it. I wasn’t ready to let him completely back in…not yet. He moaned and pouted a little as I pulled away slowly. “I think if you keeping kissing me like that your girlfriend over there might kill you on the way home…or poison you in your sleep.” He smiled and looked over my shoulder quickly then immediately back to me, “Baby she is not my girlfriend…and I really don’t give a shit if she is mad. She knows about us I have never hid my feelings for you. I have missed you entirely too much to not take the chance to kiss you whenever I can. Your lips are too sweet to pass up.” He licked his lower lip and then hugged me.

  When we all made our way outside to leave Wes wouldn’t go until I was safely in my car and he asked Mitch to follow me to make she I got inside okay. They shook hands and Wes told him he was glad he got drunk and told him about the baby. Mitch looked a little defeated about the confession but I wasn’t mad just shocked. Now that Wes knew things would be easier.

  Sunday morning I woke to my phone chirping next to me…

  How is my baby doing today…that would be you…you’ll always be baby to me. We’ll just call the bun in the oven Little Wesley… ;)

  I had to laugh at his text.

  Well I am cranky and hungry…as for Little Wesley AKA ‘Baby Bean’ it could actually be a Little Samantha…Hmm

  I found myself smiling and holding my phone in my hand like a teenager girl staring at the screen waiting for him to reply…

  Okay a Little Samantha would be fine too…I like girls. ??Baby Bean?? I will have to ask you about this later and Hungry? If my baby is hungry I should feed you. Want to get some breakfast…Me and Kayla’s treat?? Please!

  Did I want to do this? I had to guard my heart. I had too because I knew if it broke again I would never recover.

  Okay and…Okay!

  A very fast response came back he had to have had it already typed out waiting to press send hoping I would say yes.

  IHOP here we come. I can be there in 30 minutes and I love you. I am feeling just a little less empty. This is a start right? I will fix this…I will make you trust me again…and eventually you will love me enough to tell me you do.

  The last part broke my heart I did love him that’s why everything hurt so much. I loved him so much but…I had to protect my heart…I had too.

  Twenty Seven

  “Daddy my hands are sticky see”, Kayla announced as she placed her hands one on each of Wes’s cheeks. He quickly put his hands over the top of hers, “Oh no! Your stuck forever…I will have to take you everywhere now.” She giggled as he pretended to be unable to remove her sticky syrup covered hands from his face. Wes was so good to her…how could any child of his not adore him. He was so attentive and protective. I knew my little bean would be loved by its daddy…not doubt about it.

  He cleaned her hands with the wet wipes the waitress had given him. The waitress in my opinion was being a little to attentive to Wes if you asked me but I chose to try my best to ignore it. He seemed unaffected by her obvious attraction. How did this girl not know it was inappropriate to bend over continuously in front of him letting her loose shirt sag and the top of her extremely oversized cleavage become completely available for viewing?

  I felt Wes trace his thumb across the top of my hand causing me to look up from my current irritated state. My emotions and hormones we really off the wall lately. I was aggressive and very verbal without realizing what I was saying until it is too late. “Ouch, what is that look all about? You sit on a thumb tack or something?” He grinned at me and it almost made me smile back…almost. “Nope, no tack just wondering if maybe Kayla and I should wait outside while you and the waitress continue eye fucking each other.” I whispered at him with venom. His smile faded and he leaned in real close, “I hope you’re kidding.” I knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong I mean he really had barely looked at her and only spoke a few words throughout the entire time she was hovering over him but damn it I was feeling cranky.

  I rolled my eyes and leaned back in my chair crossing my arms then looking to the side to watch the people walk passed the window. I really just wanted to get out of here. MaKayla was with the over flirty waitress at the counter getting a complimentary treat for being a big girl and finishing her entire plate. When I saw them starting to walk back hand and hand in our direction I grabbed my purse from the chair next to me and stood, “Your girlfriend is on her way back, I’ll be outside waiting.” He tried to reach for my hand but I moved quickly for the door.

  I was leaning against the side of his truck when Wes and Kayla walked out. His eyes connected with mine and I was feeling like a complete bitch when he started walking in my direction holding Kayla’s hand. He opened the back door and lifted her up into the truck buckling her securely. I reached for the front door handle, “Don’t get in yet…I need to talk to you.” I felt my stomach start to flip…shit he was mad. I let go of the handle and waited.

  After he closed Kayla’s door he turned to me and ran his hand down my arm taking my hand in his, “I am really hoping that it is just the hormones making you jealous…because that in there. Baby the way you flipped out was like I was flirting and drooling all over some girl I barely even noticed. You are the only one I see…Sam do you have any idea how beautiful you are to me.” He was right but I was too damn stubborn and hormonal to admit it. “You put this insecure feeling in me…I just want to go home Wes…please.” He put his hand on to my cheek and slowly slid it around to grip my neck pulling me to him he kissed me softly, “Not yet I made plans…” what was he talking about. “You never said anything about doing something else”, I tried to sound irritated. Wes kissed me sweetly once more, “That would be because it is a surprise…come on let me do this.”

  When we pulled up to his parent’s house I turned to glare at him, “What are we doing here Wesley?” He laughed when I used his full name because I never do, “Well –Samantha- I think we need to tell my family about our baby. Wade already knows and I think they should hear it from us and not him.” He jumped out of the truck quickly before I could argue and grabbed Kayla. I got out very slowly and began to walk in the direction of the house without looking at him. Damn him…now I was just mad as hell he had tricked me into this. MaKayla ran ahead of us and he slowly jogged up from behind. I pushed away from him when he tried to put his hand on my lower back, “I am so pissed off at you right now…don’t even talk to me.” I forced a smile and walked up the stairs to the front door. I had sworn I heard him laugh but I refused to turn around and face him.

  Everyone was there in his family and they all acted as if he and I had never split up. I was hugged and welcomed. Wes just kept a ridiculous smile on his face that only continued to fuel my irritated state. I felt like throwing something at him. I was really going to tell him off later. I had on a snug shirt and jeans that I bought with a little elastic belly in them. I had on my coa
t and still hadn’t removed it, “Oh sweetheart take that coat off and get comfortable.” Wes’s mom was resting her hand on my arm. “Yeah Sam take your coat off baby…get comfy, “I turned and glared at him still keeping my coat buttoned securely. “Damn dude she’s got some lethal looks for you today”, Wade had hollered at Wes from across the room. Wade was the only one that knew about the pregnancy and he also knew about the very heated conversation regarding everything between Wes and I that took place last night at the party. Wes walked toward me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders I couldn’t freak on him in front of his parents so I chose to play nice. “You see mom…Sam still has her coat on because she feels like she needs to continue hiding something…I mean I told her that having my baby isn’t really something she should feel the need to hide but for some reason she doesn’t want to show of her little baby bump.” Immediately when everyone realized what Wes had just announced started to ewe and ah over me and his mom started crying from happiness. His dad shook his hand and Rachel his sister hugged me and whispered words of love in my ear telling me I was good for Wes and that he worshipped me. I tried to appear un-annoyed at Wes’s approach…I still had an incredible urge to throw something at him.

  We spent hours at his parents and then decided to leave. I was quiet on the way home I surely did not want MaKayla to witness me yelling at her daddy. He sensed my irritable mood and chose to let me sit quietly for the entire ride.

  “Kayla daddy will be right back sweetheart, I’m going to walk Sam to the door”, she yawned and nodded as he got out of the truck to walk with me. “Hey I know your upset with me I didn’t realize it would piss you off so much to go visit with my parents and the family.” He sounded confused and maybe a little worried. “Wes…you should have given me time to prepare I wasn’t upset about visiting everyone you just…we just started talking again. I mean this is the first time I have been around you since I found out about being pregnant with the exception of last night. I am just cranky and hormonal…I feel like crying one minute and screaming the next. I feel like I am bipolar because the things that would normally make me smile and laugh…they just piss me off now. I just don’t know which was is up and I’m tired and hungry….just forget it Wes. Just take Kayla home and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I unlocked my door and started to enter the house to finally sit and cry because right now I was really fighting it back. “Hey baby, I am not leaving you like this…I am not going to leave you alone”, I was at my breaking point. “You know Wes I have been alone in this for the last four months why the hell should I change anything now”, after I said it I regretted it so badly. He looked at me like I just ran his heart through the meat grinder…I was a bitch.