Of course my feelings didn’t evaporate, though. They just grew stronger.
I was fourteen when I first learned that love can really suck.
That feeling lasted a long time. Two years later it was still his face I saw whenever I closed my eyes. Anytime he stood opposite me, my knees would melt, and I would forget everything around me. Anytime he spoke to me, I lacked the breath to answer. Anytime he touched me, my skin burned, even if they were just tiny instances of contact. And I never forgot the feeling.
As we grew older, our encounters grew rarer, although we still enjoyed talking when we did see each other. But Elyas eventually found his own friends. And changed.
I’d never seen him with another girl up to then. I was glad, too, because it would have broken my heart. I never understood, though, why he didn’t have a girlfriend. Girls should have been flinging themselves at him left and right.
His male friends were less reserved than he was, and that created plenty of opportunities for hookups. I didn’t like his friends. Least of all Kevin. I never understood what Elyas liked about him. They were total opposites. Kevin was a typical brainless yokel with only three things on his mind: screwing, drinking, and troublemaking.
I had a problem with him, and he apparently also had a problem with me, judging from the disparaging looks he gave me whenever I was talking to Elyas. One day when I walked across the courtyard at school, I couldn’t help overhearing Kevin loudly sharing his opinion of me with Elyas.
“Why are you wasting all your time with that stupid bitch? Aren’t you embarrassed to be seen with her?” Kevin hadn’t needed to mention me by name because it was obvious who he was talking about. It wasn’t just what he said, either; it was how he said it.
Although I was used to Kevin’s insults, that one really hurt my feelings. Maybe because he was right. He made it clear that I was in a totally different league from Elyas, and I would never have the slightest chance with him. I’d known it in my head for a long time, of course, but my heart grasped at straws. That was the moment my heart gave up.
As Elyas was about to respond, he noticed me. His eyes widened as he realized I was within hearing distance, and he hesitated before ignoring Kevin and walking toward me. It was too late, though, and I immediately looked at the ground and stumbled off. Even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t have talked to him just then. My tears betrayed me, and I couldn’t stop them.
I asked myself why he never noticed my feelings for him. Given how ridiculous I acted in his presence, even a blind man could have seen.
I walked a few paces, then turned around. I knew him well enough to know he would be following me across the courtyard, despite my attempt to flee. He was, but I turned away again. When I did, I had never been so happy in my whole life to suddenly run into Sören Nordmann. My salvation!
“Hi, Emely,” he said smiling, and I stopped.
“Hi, Sören,” I said.
I looked back over my shoulder. Elyas had stopped and waited a couple of seconds, before he turned around and walked back over to Kevin.
I watched Elyas until Sören pulled me back to reality.
“Can I walk you home?” he asked.
I would have preferred to be alone, but I told him OK.
Sören had been popping up around me almost every day for a year. He would spend the whole day at school herding me, like a sheepdog trying to get his sheep into a pen.
It’s not that I didn’t like him; I just didn’t like him the way he wanted.
Even in those days the wrong kinds of guys were always interested in me, but little did I know that it was just the beginning of a long era of crap.
Sören continued fighting for my affections for three years straight, with only brief respites. When I was eighteen, I finally gave in. Sören thought things were great between us. He was definitely a nice guy, but over the course of our nine-month relationship, one thing never measured up. It was during this period that I decided sex was overrated. I dated two other guys after Sören and had sex with them, but they didn’t do anything to improve my impressions. Of course, I didn’t know any of that yet when I gave in and let Sören walk me home that day.
Neither of us said anything almost the whole way home, something I imposed on us with my body language. I was lost in my thoughts, still trying to digest what Kevin had said.
When we stood on my front porch, I wanted to say good-bye, but Sören asked me to wait a second.
“Emely,” he said. “I wanted to ask and see if . . . maybe you’d go to the movies with me tomorrow afternoon?”
Honestly, I didn’t want to go, but looking into his hopeful eyes, I couldn’t turn him down. A diversion like a movie would do me good, so I tried to look at it positively. Plus, I thought, even someone as oblivious as Sören can’t misinterpret any signals at a matinée.
“All right,” I said, and his eyes grew wide in surprise.
“Oh! Uh . . . great . . . So I’ll pick you up here, and then we can take the bus into town together,” he said as I nodded, wanting nothing more than to go inside.
I spent the next couple of hours in bed. I eventually ran out of tears and lay staring into space, picturing Elyas’s face again and again.
Most people say love is wonderful, but I was wondering why it hurt so much. What had started as a simple crush on my best friend’s older brother had become an almost inescapable trap, one I needed to escape if I didn’t want it to destroy me.
I would have spent the rest of the day in bed in a quasi-vegetative state had I not been torn out of my melancholy by the doorbell. I wiped the traces of tears off my cheeks and struggled out of bed. I was sure my parents had forgotten their keys again or something.
The doorbell rang two more times as I made my way downstairs, and when I opened it, my throat squeezed shut: Elyas stood in front of me. He looked at me with his beautiful eyes, his hands in his pockets.
He had never visited me at my house before. We had only ever seen each other at school or at his and Alex’s house. He had never stood outside my front door before.
“Hey,” he said, with an embarrassed smile.
The individual beats of my heart had merged into a frantic racing. “Hi,” I replied hesitantly.
“Can I come in?”
I blinked at him but then opened the door wide. “Uh, sure,” I said.
He followed me upstairs, and I was less able to breathe with each step. Him, here in my house, right behind me—I couldn’t believe it. What did this mean?
We walked to my room in silence; the mood was tense, and I couldn’t tell if it was me, him, or both of us. I stopped in the middle of the room and had to muster all my courage not to turn around to face him.
I’d dreamed of having him in my room so often, and suddenly without any warning here he was, standing awkwardly, surveying my room.
Elyas had changed a lot in the two years since I’d fallen in love with him. He was much taller now—taller than me by at least a head. He wasn’t a kid anymore, but a young man.
“What’s up?” I asked, trying to sound casual, though casualness had never been one of my strengths. He looked at the floor before looking me in the eye.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “It . . . What Kevin said was garbage. Forget about him.”
I stared at him. He came over just to say that?
I cleared my throat. “It’s no big deal . . . I overreacted. It’s OK.” Judging from his face, he thought my acting skills were as crappy as I did. He put his hands back in his pockets before slowly and shyly walking toward me.
I thought I would die when he stopped only inches in front of me. The intensity of his eyes made me float into another world, far away from reality. I thought I was imagining it when Elyas hesitantly and slowly raised his hand. Very cautiously, as though I were the fire on top of a candle that might suddenly go out in a wisp of smoke if he
moved too fast.
I couldn’t think clearly anymore; the only things I could feel were his hand on my cheek and the wonderful feeling of being touched so tenderly.
“You’ve been crying,” he said in a soft voice, stroking my skin with his finger.
His words had a magical effect on me, but at the same time I thought I might melt into the floor with embarrassment. I shook my head.
I was hypnotized by his eyes as he bent toward me. I didn’t understand what was happening; my breathing felt chaotic, and my arms encircled him, as if on their own.
The next instant I got my first kiss from the very person I’d always wanted it from. I’d dreamed of this moment so often, down to the tiniest detail, always tragically aware it would never come true. But here it was, happening. Kissing him for real surpassed anything I’d dreamed. Elyas didn’t jam his tongue down my throat either, the way they do in the movies. It was totally different, and much nicer than it had ever been in my girlish imagination.
His lips touched mine softly, slowly covering them with little kisses as his fingertips gently touched my cheek. As he kissed me, he opened his mouth slightly so I could feel his warm breath on my lips. My whole body stayed rigid, as goose bumps covered my skin. Then I finally started to kiss him back. We tenderly brushed our lips together and started to move in sync with each other, which warmed me to the tips of my toes. I was floating.
Our lips parted and kissed so naturally, and we melted together as though we were intended for each other. Our tongues met only after an eternity, at first carefully touching and then dancing—saying more than words ever could.
I wanted to take root in this spot and spend the rest of my life like this. I wanted to hold on to this moment forever. I never wanted anything more than to be with him and kiss him.
Even now, that still ranked as the best kiss I’d ever had. Nothing else in my entire life had been as beautiful as those few minutes. Not my second kiss, not any sex I’d had—nothing could hold a candle to that experience. I carried the memory of it with me, keeping it locked in a box deep inside me. I would take it with me to my grave someday, unforgotten.
Our kiss lasted a long time, much longer than most other kisses I would experience. When it came time to separate his lips from mine, it still felt way too soon. I closed my eyes. So many intense and unfamiliar feelings raced through my body, leaving me with a lingering intoxication. I didn’t dare open my eyes again; I was much too worried I had dreamed everything. As Elyas’s warm lips softly kissed my temples, I finally let go of all my worries, without reservation.
I opened my eyes carefully and found myself looking into the most breathtaking smile. His face was so warm and loving, I immediately lost myself in it again.
A thousand questions swirled through my foggy brain. How did this happen? I might have asked Elyas, too, except my mother started yelling from downstairs just then, disturbing our cozy little twosome. We stood face-to-face, looking deep into each other’s eyes when the bedroom door suddenly opened.
“Emely, come downstairs and help us unload the—” She stopped talking upon seeing us.
Elyas and I weren’t even touching at that point, but the way we had been gazing at each other must have given my mother the feeling she had burst in on something. Not least of all because we stared at her with wide, startled eyes.
“Oh, hi . . . Elyas,” she said.
“Hi, Mrs. Winter,” Elyas said, putting his hands back into his front pockets.
My mom studied us, her eyes lingering longer than normal on my flushed cheeks. I silently cursed my mother for walking in just then.
“Emely,” she began after recovering from her surprise. “Could you come downstairs? We bought some new furniture for the living room, and your father is breaking everything before it’s been screwed together yet.”
I nodded, hoping she would quickly pop back out, but Elyas thwarted my plans.
“I’d be happy to help, too, Mrs. Winter,” he offered.
“Really?” she asked. “That would be such a big help.”
“It’s no problem,” Elyas said.
“And I’ve told you a thousand times to call me Carla. When people call me Mrs. Winter, it makes me feel ancient.” Which you are, I grumbled in my head.
Elyas just nodded and flashed me a shy smile before following my mother downstairs. “Gee, thanks a lot, Mom,” I mumbled to myself before picking my chin up off the floor and heading downstairs, my knees still wobbly.
It took a half hour to get all the pieces of furniture into the house. Unsurprisingly, I tripped over various things, but luckily managed a last-minute save each time, thus sparing myself additional embarrassment. Elyas carried the last box into the living room, where I stood with my parents, everyone exhausted and breathing hard.
“Thank you so much, Elyas. You’ve been such a huge help!” my mother said, glancing sideways at my father, who just rolled his eyes.
“Not at all a problem, Mrs. Win—uh, Carla. I was happy to help,” Elyas said, moving his sweaty hair out of his eyes.
“Would you like to stay for dinner so we can repay the favor at least a little?” my mother asked. I looked hopefully at him, his back turned slightly toward me. Such a nice back, well defined even through that T-shirt . . .
I would have done anything to spend more time with him, even if it meant having my parents around. His mere presence was all I wanted. “Unfortunately I can’t. My grandparents are in town this week. The longer I avoid them, the more they’ll pepper me with questions.” He smiled apologetically.
“Too bad,” Carla said. “Another time?”
“Definitely,” he said.
“We’ll look forward to it,” my mother replied. “Well, we don’t want to get you in trouble for staying too long. Hugs and kisses to your parents from us.”
“I’ll tell them.”
“Emely, will you walk Elyas to the door?” my mother asked. “I’ll start gathering up all the garbage in here so we can get to work.”
Have I mentioned that my mother can be awesome? In this case she was actually facilitating things with the right boy for once.
Elyas looked at me expectantly.
“Oh, uh . . . sure,” I said, biting my lower lip.
My eyes were glued to the floor as we left the living room together and walked into the hall. It was only a few steps to the front door, but it felt like miles.
He opened the door and stepped out onto the porch first. I followed him, leaving the door slightly ajar behind me. Elyas turned to face me. He gave me a self-conscious but sweet smile, which made him look as uncertain as I felt. I returned the smile, though mine undoubtedly looked forced, since I was feeling more and more tense by the second.
We stood there, not knowing where to look, and then Elyas took a step toward me. My body immediately started going crazy. I looked at him and lost myself again in the depths of his eyes, which made me forget who and where I was.
I somehow raised my half-paralyzed hand and stretched it toward him. I’d always wanted to touch him, and now I finally was about to. At the last instant I lost my courage. My hand fell back to my side when it had only been a few inches from his cheek. Elyas’s fingers took hold of my wrist, and he slowly guided my hand back to his face. He cuddled his cheek into my touch, and closed his eyes. His skin was softer than I’d imagined. It felt smooth and tender under my fingers.
Still, I dropped my hand quickly, out of fear. Elyas opened his eyes, and they twinkled in the light. He bent down toward me and pressed his lips to mine.
“See you tomorrow,” he whispered.
I nodded, incapable of responding any other way. I felt light as a feather, dopey from my own happiness, almost as though I were high. He gave me one small, magical smile before turning and walking away.
I don’t know how long I stood looking after him. Long after he was ou
t of view. An eternity.
That night as I lay in bed, I felt like the happiest girl on earth. I kept running my tongue over and over the spot where our lips had first met, replaying in my head, again and again, everything I had experienced.
I lay awake half the night, unable to close my eyes. I was just too happy to sleep. It was almost morning when I finally dozed off, a smile on my face. The next day started with a shock: I had totally overslept! My parents both left for work every morning before I went to school, so getting up and ready was my own responsibility.
I jumped from the bed and ran into the bathroom to brush my teeth. It was well into my first period at school. I raced around putting on clothes and combing my hair at the same time. How could I have slept in on this of all days? I cursed myself.
Once I was dressed, I glanced in the mirror to make sure I looked good enough to run into Elyas. But I knew even before looking that it was hopeless: I looked like crap.
Well, that couldn’t be helped now. I grabbed my backpack and stormed out of the house. I ran all the way to school, I’m sure with the world’s stupidest grin on my face. I couldn’t help it, though. The second I thought about the kiss, the corners of my mouth pulled up automatically.
After apologizing to my teacher, who acknowledged my tardiness with a sigh, I sat down at my desk, totally out of breath.
I had made it to class, but my brain didn’t absorb a single word. I was too busy counting the seconds until the first break, when I would see Elyas.
But whenever you’re eagerly anticipating something, Father Time is brutal. It felt like half a century before the bell rang. I raced out of the room while the bell was still ringing, and ran down the hallway, deciding to go outside first, where Elyas often sat with his friends near the sports courts. But he wasn’t there.
I searched the entire building, but there was no trace of Elyas. I dropped my head. Was he avoiding me? Was he sick and hadn’t come to school? German students don’t all start school at the same time, and Alex’s first class wasn’t until later, so she couldn’t fill me in, either.
Cherry Red Summer (Emely and Elyas Book 1) Page 22