by Laura Iding
Cassie knew he was right. “Such a waste,” she said under her breath. “I just don’t understand how this kind of thing can happen.”
Ryan’s gaze was grim. “Me, either.”
As they waited for the elevator, she glanced up at him curiously. “Ryan, why did you rush down here, like that?” she asked. “Did you go out with Gloria in the past? Do you know her younger brother?”
He shrugged but didn’t meet her gaze. “No, I never dated Gloria and I don’t know her brother, Trey. But I do have a special interest in narcotic-overdose cases,” he finally said.
He did? Why? Cassie was ridiculously relieved to know he hadn’t asked Gloria out, but she found she was more curious than ever. She wanted to ask more about why he cared so much about narcotic-overdose patients but two other staff members joined them, and when the elevator arrived the car was half-filled with people. They all rode together up to the third floor. She led the way into the NNICU, using her badge to get through the door, and then hurried over to Emma’s warmer.
“How are Emma and Daniel doing?” she asked Christy, the nurse she’d asked to watch over them. “Any problems?”
“None at all,” Christy assured her.
“Good, thanks for covering.” Cassie glanced back at Ryan, wondering again why he had such a keen interest in narcotic-overdose patients. And even more strange, why he didn’t seem willing to talk about it? Unless seeing Trey’s young face had only reminded him of losing his wife?
It wasn’t easy to focus on the issues at hand. Ryan’s personal life wasn’t any of her business. Hadn’t she vowed to keep her distance? After all, he’d been the one who’d pulled away after their kiss.
So why was she still so drawn to him? The magnetic pull shimmering between them was so strong she doubted she’d be able to break the invisible bond.
And if she wasn’t careful, he’d break her heart. Worse than Evan had.
“How is Daniel doing postextubation?” Ryan asked from behind her.
Once again, her pulse leapt at the husky sound of his voice. “He’s doing great,” she assured him. She moved away from him toward Daniel’s warmer. “It’s been about an hour since we pulled the tube. Do you want me to get a set of blood gases?”
“Yes, please.” Ryan sat down at the computer and quickly entered the order.
Cassie busied herself with getting the supplies she’d need for the arterial blood gases. She didn’t like having to poke the babies for lab work, but she knew the tests were needed to make the right medical decisions.
Thankfully she was able to get the arterial blood on the first try, although listening to Daniel’s crying when she poked him wasn’t easy. As soon as she’d finished holding pressure on the puncture site, she sent the blood off to the lab and then went over to lift him into her arms.
“There, there, big guy, you’re fine. No more ouchies,” she promised.
She could feel Ryan’s penetrating gaze watching her with Daniel and it took every ounce of willpower she possessed not to turn around to face him, fearing her turbulent emotions would be reflected on her face.
Thankfully the arrival of Daniel’s parents broke the tense moment. As Cassie handed over their baby, Ryan gave them a quick update on Daniel’s medical status.
Cassie slipped over to Emma’s warmer, focusing her attention on the baby girl.
Emma was all alone in the world, just like she was. Oh, she had friends, but no family. Her parents had died when she was young and her grandparents had raised her. They’d passed away when she’d been in college. Being alone and vulnerable, she had been easy prey for Evan’s fake charm.
Staring down at Emma, she knew she didn’t miss Evan at all. But she missed the babies she hadn’t been able to carry to term.
Emma F. Safe Haven was like a miracle dropped into her lap. A chance to have the family she’d always wanted. A chance to start over.
Maybe they weren’t bonded by blood. But that didn’t matter. The little girl was already the daughter of her heart.
* * *
Ryan tried to keep busy, but no matter what he was doing he found himself searching for Cassie. For a brief moment he’d considered telling her the truth about how he’d lost Victoria and his unborn son, but placing his burden on Cassie didn’t seem fair. Especially as she was working.
Or maybe he was subconsciously avoiding the horror he might find in Cassie’s eyes once she knew the truth.
He spent his downtime searching for Oliver Stevenson on the Wisconsin Department of Regulation and Licensing website, but of course there was no physician listed by that name. Just like there hadn’t been three years ago.
Was this guy practicing without a license? Or was he practicing in another state? The DEA number had to be real or the pharmacy wouldn’t have filled the script.
But what about out of state? Victoria’s prescription had had a Madison address, so he hadn’t broadened his search. But now he decided to check the bordering states of Minnesota, Michigan and Illinois. He found a couple of providers by that name, but none of them were pain specialists. Still, he wrote down their names and DEA numbers, determined to ask Trammel to verify if the number on both Trey’s and Victoria’s prescriptions was a match.
Cassie came over to stand beside him, and he quickly minimized the website. He noticed she glanced briefly at the names he’d written down, and shifted so that he partially blocked her view.
“How’s Emma?” he asked, hoping to distract her.
She smiled. “Great. I was wondering if we couldn’t start weaning her from the ventilator a bit?”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he said, true regret in his tone. “I want to see her come off that vent as much as you do, but I normally don’t do much weaning after seven o’clock in the evening.”
“I understand,” Cassie murmured, her gaze full of obvious disappointment.
“If she’s doing this well by tomorrow morning, I’ll write the weaning orders,” he promised. “That gives her another twenty-four hours of antibiotics.”
She forced a smile and nodded. “Okay, that sounds like a good plan. The last thing I want is for her condition to take a turn for the worse.”
When she turned away he reached out to grasp her arm, preventing her from leaving. “Have you figured out what your next steps are to becoming a foster parent?”
She glanced down at his hand, and then brought her gaze back up to meet his. “There are twelve classes I need to take once they approve my application.”
“Twelve classes? That seems like a lot.”
“I know. Too bad all parents don’t have to take parenting classes, huh?” she said with a wry smile.
He nodded, thinking about the cases of child abuse they’d seen, thankfully not often.
“I can’t sign up for the first class until tomorrow. The website won’t accept sign-ups on the weekend,” she added. “And I’m hoping that they’ll approve my application fast.”
“Can you sign up for all twelve classes right away?”
“I’m not sure, but even if I can, it might be too difficult anyway, since I have to work around my schedule or find a way to get off. Although that’s not easy during the summer months when everyone else is off.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked.
She shook her head and took a step back, severing the physical connection between them. He instantly missed her warmth. Her smile. Her laughter. “No. This is something I need to do myself.”
He watched her walk back over to Emma’s warmer, his heart aching with regret. He knew there was a tiny spot in his heart that had remained frozen ever since Victoria’s and his son’s deaths. He wasn’t capable of loving Cassie the way she deserved.
So why did he long for her so desperately?
CHAPTER NINE
THE NEXT MORNING, Cassie woke up feeling energized, full of a new sense of purpose. Normally, she didn’t look forward to Mondays—who did? But since it was a weekday, she was able to ta
ke the next steps in the process of becoming a foster parent. And even though there was a part of her that knew she was using the process as a way to forget about Ryan, she eagerly booted up her computer.
The sooner she signed up for the classes, the better her chances were of actually getting in.
When she’d read up on being a foster parent, she’d learned that safe-haven babies were able to go through the path from fostering to adopting much quicker than in other cases.
Of course there was always a six-month wait, in case the mother changed her mind.
Cassie couldn’t deny that the thought of Emma’s mother showing up and requesting custody was depressing. Especially since the baby had gone through narcotic withdrawal.
Still, anything was possible. For now, she needed to focus on the issues at hand, rather than worrying about the what-if scenarios.
As she ate breakfast, Cassie went to the Health and Human Services website to find the classes she needed. She double-clicked on the first one and prayed that it wasn’t already full.
It wasn’t and she quickly entered the required fields on the website, letting out a squeal as she hit enter. The hourglass spun in the center of the screen for what seemed like forever, before a message finally popped up on the screen.
“Accepted! I’m accepted in the first class!” Cassie jumped up and danced around her postage-stamp-sized kitchen.
Music blared from her phone, and Cassie danced over, her enthusiasm dimming as she noted the caller was Gloria.
She did her best to hide her elation over being accepted in the first class as she answered. “Hi, Gloria, how are you doing?” By the time she’d left work last night, Trey still hadn’t woken up, although the ICU team had put him on a hypothermia protocol to preserve his brain function, much like they did for cardiac-arrest patients.
Trey really was getting the best medical care possible.
“Better this morning. They’re going to start bringing Trey’s temperature back up,” Gloria said. “Once his temperature is within normal range, they’ll back off on the sedation and we’ll know if he’ll wake up or not.”
“I know it’s hard, but you have to be strong for him and your family, Gloria,” Cassie said encouragingly.
“I know. I’m trying,” Gloria admitted.
“What do the neurologists think?” she asked.
“They won’t say much one way or the other, but based on how young he is, they’re cautiously optimistic.”
Of course the doctors wouldn’t make promises they couldn’t keep, but at the same time they didn’t want families to lose hope either. “Do you want me to come and sit with you in the ICU?” she offered.
“No, my parents are here, so there’s no need for you to come. I just wanted to give you an update. It’s good news they’re bringing him out of the hypothermia protocol.”
“I agree,” she assured her friend. “Keep in touch, Gloria.”
“I will.”
Cassie disconnected from the call, set her phone aside, and then returned to sit at her kitchen table in front of the computer. Before she could log back in to the site, her phone sang again.
This time Ryan’s name popped up on the screen and despite the way her pulse jumped, she hesitated for a moment, gathering her defenses, before answering. “Hello?”
“Good morning, Cassandra. How are you?”
She strove to keep her voice steady. “I’m fine, Ryan, how are you? I hope your night on call wasn’t too bad.”
“I managed to get a little over four hours of sleep, so I can’t complain.”
“That’s good.” Their conversation was awkward, stilted, and she wished he’d get to the point already. She couldn’t believe he’d called just to ask how she was doing.
“We started weaning Emma this morning,” he said, breaking the strained silence. “I don’t know if she’ll be extubated today or tomorrow, but hopefully soon.”
“That’s wonderful news,” she said, thrilled beyond belief that the baby was improving. “That must mean her lungs still look good.”
“Clear as a bell,” he said, with a hint of humor in his voice. He was so attractive when he smiled although really he didn’t smile often enough. “We caught the aspiration quickly enough to prevent pneumonia.”
“I’m so glad.” Cassie imagined how great it would be once Emma’s breathing tube was removed and she could finally hold the baby in her arms. Even though she was off today, she was tempted to go in just to hold Emma.
“Did you sign up for the foster-care classes?” he asked.
“Yes, the first class is Thursday and thankfully I’m off work, so that’s good. I was about to sign up for the other classes, too, but Gloria called to let me know that they’re warming Trey up today. They put him on the hypothermia protocol yesterday after he got up to the ICU to prevent his brain from swelling.”
“I know. I checked on him late last night, too,” Ryan admitted. “Once he’s warmed up, they’ll ease off on the sedation to see if he’ll wake up.”
She was tempted to ask him why he cared so much about Trey’s overdose, but she doubted he’d tell her over the phone something he wouldn’t tell her in person.
Besides, she wasn’t going to dwell on the details regarding his personal life, right? Right.
“Will you let me know if Emma gets extubated?” she asked, changing the focus of the conversation back to the baby.
“Absolutely. Are you free for dinner?” he asked. “There’s a great Italian place overlooking Lake Michigan. We won’t see the sunset since the lake is obviously in the east, but it’s still an amazing view.”
She pulled her phone away from her ear and stared at it in confusion. Why was he asking her out? Especially after the way he’d pulled away after their kiss?
Despite how badly she wanted to say yes, she forced herself to rein in her emotions. “I don’t think so,” she said. “You’re the one who told me that you weren’t ready for a relationship.”
“I know, but I can’t stop thinking about you, Cassandra,” he admitted in a low, gravelly tone that sent shivers of awareness dancing down her spine. “For the first time since Victoria died, I feel alive. And I’m pretty sure it’s because of you.”
Her heart squeezed in her chest and she drew in a harsh breath. She knew she should refuse, if for no other reason than to protect her heart, but at the same time it was difficult to ignore his request. Did she dare believe that something more permanent might grow between them? Would her being a foster mother be enough for him someday? Or would he want children of his own?
“Cassie, please,” he said, when she didn’t answer. “Say you’ll have dinner with me?”
Her heart spoke before her brain could overrule her snap decision. “Yes, Ryan,” she said huskily. “I’d be happy to have dinner with you.”
“Thanks,” he murmured. “I’d like to bring the convertible since the weather is nice.”
“I’d like that,” she agreed, ignoring the tiny niggle of doubt that this was a good decision.
“Sounds good. I’ll pick you up at seven o’clock.”
“All right. See you then.” Cassie disconnected and then buried her face in her hands.
What was she doing? Going out with Ryan again was not part of her plan. Hadn’t she told herself not to risk getting emotionally involved with him?
Yes, but obviously she was too late.
She was already emotionally involved with Ryan, whether she wanted to be or not.
She cared about him, far too much.
* * *
Ryan knew he was grinning like a fool when he walked back into the NNICU to check on Emma’s condition, but he didn’t care if the staff stared at him.
Cassie was giving him another chance. Only this time he had to figure out a way not to blow it.
A feat easier said than done.
“She’s tolerating the new vent settings very well,” Claire said when he approached Emma’s warmer. The speculation in the nurse’s gaze m
ade him wonder if the rumors had already started about him seeing Cassie.
Oddly enough, the idea didn’t bring on a wave of desperate panic the way it had after the Shana fiasco.
“I’m glad to hear it,” he said, glancing down at the arterial blood gas results Claire had given him. “Follow the weaning pattern for the rest of the day, but call me before you leave for the day.”
“Okay,” Claire agreed. “No big plans today?”
She was fishing for information, but instead of becoming annoyed he simply smiled. “Talk to you later.”
He headed home, maintaining his good mood, happiness all but oozing from his pores. Knowing that he would see Cassie later that evening was enough to keep him motivated.
Because he hadn’t lied to her about the effect she had on him. He felt alive, and couldn’t help wondering if that small frozen part of his heart was beginning to thaw.
Because of her. And Emma, too.
He pulled into the driveway, glad to see the Realtor had already posted a For Sale sign in his front yard. He knew better than to get his hopes up that he’d manage to sell the albatross quickly, but his good mood refused to be dampened.
For months now he’d put off the job of packing up the things he didn’t need. Victoria’s family had taken her things, along with the baby furniture, a long time ago, so only his belongings were left.
Way more things that one man needed, that was for sure.
Ryan forced himself to head to the gym before tackling the job of packing up the items he didn’t need. The Realtor, Andrea, told him the less clutter in his house, the better it would look to prospective buyers.
He had no reason not to believe her.
A few hours later, after he’d packed four large boxes, his phone rang. He picked it up, recognizing Trammel’s number.
“This is Ryan Murphy,” he said by way of greeting.
“Dr. Murphy, did you leave a message asking me to call?” Trammel asked.
“Yes, I did,” Ryan admitted. Holding the phone to his ear, he crossed the kitchen for the list he’d made earlier. “I did a search on physicians named Oliver Stevenson in neighboring states. It’s possible one of their DEA numbers matches the one used to fill the prescriptions.”