by Laura Iding
Besides, it suddenly hit him that he was more like her ex-husband than he wanted to admit.
Not because he hadn’t wanted his son, because he had. Desperately.
But he hadn’t wanted Victoria.
And in the midst of his anguish after her death he’d been unable to deny a small measure of relief to know that he wouldn’t have to spend the rest of his life with her.
A fact that made him a terrible person. Not much better than Evan.
Certainly not good enough for Cassie.
* * *
Cassie felt better once she’d told Ryan the truth. And he’d been nothing but supportive.
She sensed that there were things he wanted to talk about, too, and feared he’d go into detail again about what her options were as far as having a child of her own. For some reason, she couldn’t help thinking that he’d been trying to convince himself that there were other opportunities to have a child. Maybe because deep down he knew how much he wanted to have children of his own.
Maybe it was for the best that there wasn’t enough time for further discussion. “I’m sorry, Ryan, but can we head over to the townhouse now? I’d like to be there a few minutes early.”
“Of course,” he agreed. “Buckle up.”
She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and then latched her seat belt. She pulled out her phone so she could give him directions.
“Take Main Street and then turn left on Lilac Road,” she said.
“Lots of kids playing around here,” he commented.
She nodded, loving the fact that this area seemed ideal for raising a family. “Turn left on Lavender, and the townhouse should be right there on the corner.”
“I think I see the For Sale sign,” he said as they approached.
“No, that’s Rosewood,” she said, glancing down at the paperwork she held in her hand. “Lavender is the next block.”
He nodded and continued, although she found herself thinking that the moderate-sized Cape Cod with the For Sale sign in the front yard looked inviting, too.
Way beyond her price range, though.
“There it is,” she said, craning her neck to see better. “They’re side-by-side townhouses. And I love how close it is to the park.”
“I see it,” he said, pulling over to the curb.
“It only has two bedrooms,” she said, feeling self-conscious about her choice. “But that’s all Emma and I really need.”
“It looks great,” he said as he shut off the engine.
Cassie slid out of the passenger seat, thrilled to see the townhouse up close. Granted, it was small, but she refused to let that fact get her down. Besides, the price was already a stretch since she’d have to take out a loan against her retirement plan to afford her rent and the down payment.
“The roof looks to be in good shape,” Ryan said, gesturing with his hand. “And the outside appears to be low maintenance.”
“So far, so good,” she agreed, glad he was there to give her some pointers. “I wonder who lives next door?”
“That’s a good question, since you’ll be sharing the building and the yard,” he said. “Maybe the Realtor knows?”
“I wish she’d get here,” Cassie muttered. “I’m dying to see the inside.”
“That’s probably her now.”
Cassie shielded her eyes against the glare of the summer sun to check out the car that had turned onto the street. Sure enough, the driver was a woman who looked like the photograph of Andrea Langley she’d seen on the website. “I’m glad she came early, too.”
Andrea parked the car in front of the townhouse and slid out from the driver’s seat. Cassie met her halfway. “Thanks for coming on short notice,” she said, holding out her hand to Andrea.
“My pleasure,” Andrea said with a broad smile. She glanced over at Ryan. “Nice to see you, too, Dr. Murphy.”
Cassie’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “I didn’t realize you knew each other.”
“I’ve listed my house with Andrea,” Ryan said.
Really? Why on earth hadn’t he mentioned that fact? But this wasn’t the time or the place to ask. Especially as Andrea began talking about the property.
“The inside needs a little work,” Andrea warned, as she unlocked the front door, “but a little paint and new carpeting will make it look as good as new.”
Cassie’s excitement faded to despair when she saw what Andrea meant. The walls must have been white once, but now had an icky brown tinge to them. The interior reeked of stale cigarette smoke, which made her gag. Maybe paint and pulling the old carpeting out might help, but what if that didn’t work? She felt certain an entire can of air freshener wouldn’t make a dent in the stench.
“It’s worse than it looks on the website,” Cassie said, breathing through her nose as she turned to Andrea. “I’m not sure if I’ll have enough money to fix it up.”
Andrea’s smile slipped as she nodded. “I understand, but you could try a low offer, see if the sellers would be willing to move on the price.”
“Maybe,” Cassie agreed, glancing around the living room and kitchen area. Andrea threw open a few windows while she walked down the hall to the two bedrooms, which were small but serviceable.
“There’s a half basement, too, where the washer and dryer are located,” Andrea pointed out cheerfully, obviously trying to salvage her potential sale. “And the appliances are included.”
“That helps,” Cassie acknowledged, trying to battle a wave of depression. She couldn’t imagine bringing Emma into this place as it was now.
“The foundation looks sound,” Ryan pointed out, as they walked around the basement. “The basics are all here, so Andrea is right, it’s just a matter of adding paint and carpeting.”
“Absolutely,” Andrea agreed, as they trooped back up to the main level. “What do you think, Cassie?”
Honestly, she wasn’t sure what to think. Disappointment stabbed deep but she did her best to try and be optimistic. “It has potential, but the price would have to be at least twelve grand lower to make up for what I’d have to put into this to make it livable.”
Andrea winced and then shrugged. “Well, it can’t hurt to try,” she said. “Maybe they’ll counter and we can meet in the middle.”
“I’m not sure I can afford much more,” Cassie said frankly. “I have maybe a few thousand in wiggle room, but that’s about all. If they’ll accept a lower offer, then I can pay for the upgrades and the rent for the duration of my lease.”
Andrea nodded, although her expression reflected her discouragement. “All right, I’ll put the offer together before you have to go to work.”
Cassie looked around the interior again, noting that the open windows didn’t help the smell. Andrea was right, the place had potential, but the thought of doing all the work to make it worthwhile was a bit daunting.
“Do you know anything about the Cape Cod for sale on Rosewood?” Ryan asked. “That one has definite curb appeal.”
Cassie glanced at him, wondering at his sudden decision to list his house. “Why are you interested in moving?”
He shrugged. “The place I have now is too big for me and isn’t really to my taste.”
She was surprised to hear that, mostly because the timing seemed off. After all, his wife had been dead for three years. Why the sudden desire to move now, after all this time?
Had investigating Trey’s overdose caused his old feelings for his wife to resurface? Maybe, but he’d also said that her death had been his fault.
And she realized that even though they’d bonded over Emma and had made love, there was a chance that Ryan still wasn’t ready for a more permanent type of relationship.
As kind and supportive as he’d been when she’d told him about her inability to have children, he hadn’t mentioned that he didn’t care.
In fact, he might secretly be disappointed in her inability to carry a child, but hadn’t said anything out of kindness. Maybe, in his mind, she wasn’t the right
woman for him.
And she realized that it was entirely possible that she cared about him far more than he cared for her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
RYAN FELT TERRIBLE that Cassie’s excitement over her townhouse had been crushed by the work that was needed inside. The place did have potential, but it would take a lot of elbow grease and money to make it a home.
And for some reason he couldn’t get the Cape Cod house out of his mind.
But there was plenty of time to worry about that later. Right now he was more concerned about Cassie. As he drove her back to her apartment, her despair was evident on her face. “I can help you with the townhouse,” he offered.
“Thanks, but first we have to find out if the sellers will drop the price,” she said with a sad smile.
“Things will work out,” he said encouragingly. Trying to keep his distance from her wasn’t working too well. “You’ll see.”
“I hope so,” she said wistfully, as she pushed open the passenger door. “Thanks again, Ryan.”
Knowing she had to work, he forced himself to let her go. “Take care, Cassie.”
He watched her walk toward her car, wishing he could make her feel better. But then his phone rang and he jumped on it, recognizing Detective Trammel’s number. “This is Ryan Murphy.”
“Dr. Murphy, I have good news. We’ve linked Oliver Stevenson to several other prescription drugs that have been filled here in Wisconsin. We’re in the process of working with the Feds to bring him in.”
“Really?” He tried to comprehend what Trammel was saying. “You think that he’ll pay for his crimes?”
“I do. We found another strip-mall office of his and sent in an undercover cop with cash. The cop came out with a prescription for a month’s supply of oxycodone. Unfortunately, the doc himself wasn’t there, but it’s just a matter of time. We’re in the process of solidifying our case against him.”
Relief was overwhelming. “Thank you for telling me,” Ryan managed. “I’m glad he’ll finally be brought to justice.”
“Me, too,” Trammel echoed. “And I’m sorry I didn’t take your concerns more seriously back when your wife died.”
That much was true, and he didn’t want to think about how many deaths had occurred in the past three years as a result. But at least they could stop this guy moving forward. “It’s okay, just make sure you get him into custody and soon.”
“We will. Take care, Dr. Murphy.”
Trammel disconnected from the call, leaving Ryan staring at his phone, still reeling from shock. It was over. So why didn’t he feel better? Wasn’t this the justice he’d sought?
Of course it was.
Yet he knew that arresting Oliver Stevenson wouldn’t bring his son back.
And the guilt that had plagued him over the past three years hadn’t lessened much at all.
He scrubbed his hands over his face. Maybe the first step was to confide in Cassie. She was working, but he wasn’t. Maybe he could meet her for dinner? Or wait to talk to her at the end of her shift?
Either way, the need to talk to Cassie couldn’t be denied. Maybe she could give him the absolution he couldn’t seem to give himself.
* * *
Cassie swiped in at work and immediately crossed over to Emma’s warmer. Her mouth dropped open in surprise when she discovered Emma had been taken off the ventilator a few hours prior to the start of her shift. Even the feeding tube was gone.
“Oh, sweetpea, you look wonderful,” she whispered. The baby appeared to be asleep, with only a reddened area on her cheek from where the feeding tube had been held in place remaining as a sign of what she’d been through.
Tears pricked her eyes at how wonderful Emma looked not being connected to a ventilator.
“Hey, are you ready for our bedside shift report?” Diane asked, crossing over to Emma’s warmer.
“Absolutely,” Cassie agreed. “Although I can already see how much progress little Emma has made.”
“Yes, although we’re still keeping a close eye on her for signs of apnea. And she’ll need to be fed soon, so let’s finish up. Are you taking care of Daniel, too?” When Cassie nodded, Diane smiled. “Great, then this won’t take too long.”
Cassie concentrated on listening to the detailed information Diane gave her, even though it wasn’t easy. It was shocking to realize how much she wanted to call Ryan to share the good news about Emma.
Daniel was also doing much better and she finished her assessment just as he began to wake up. His parents were coming in to feed him, but he was cranky with having to wait, so she picked him up and walked around the nursery, trying to soothe him.
When his parents arrived, his mother rushed over. “Oh, thank you for waiting, although I feel terrible that we didn’t get here sooner.”
She smiled as she handed Daniel over to his mother. “It’s been less than ten minutes, so don’t worry, he’s fine.”
Cassie made sure that Daniel’s parents were settled in to feed him before heading over to Emma’s warmer. The baby still looked peaceful, but she was starting to squirm around a bit, indicating that she might wake up soon.
And no doubt would be as hungry as Daniel had been.
Diane had mentioned that Emma had taken her first bottle feeding just two hours ago, but it wasn’t uncommon for babies to eat more frequently after being under stress. Plus, the little girl had only taken two ounces, so it wasn’t surprising she needed more in her tummy.
Cassie quickly put a bottle together for Emma, sensing she was on borrowed time. When Emma let out a plaintive wail, Cassie smiled, thinking that even Emma’s cry sounded good after days of silence while she’d been supported on the ventilator.
“There, now, I’m here, sweetpea,” she murmured as she began changing Emma’s diaper. When that task was finished she quickly washed her hands and then picked the baby up, nestling the little girl against her shoulder. Emma’s crying grew louder and more insistent so Cassie turned the baby so that Emma was propped in the crook of her arm and sat down in the rocking chair to feed her.
At that exact moment she looked up to find Ryan standing there, wearing casual nonwork clothes and staring at her, his deeply intent gaze making her shiver with awareness.
And just that quickly the memories of their lovemaking came rushing back, at the worst possible moment. She’d never experienced anything like making love with Ryan, and Cassie knew she needed to look away before everyone noticed the emotion shimmering in her eyes. But it wasn’t easy. Only when Emma reached up to put her tiny hand on top of Cassie’s hand holding the bottle did she find the strength to break the connection.
She tried to get her bearings, as Ryan came even closer. Telling herself to ignore him was impossible, but she did her best, gazing down at Emma, who sucked at the bottle like a pro.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” she whispered, finding the nerve to glance up at him.
“Yes. And so are you,” Ryan said in a low husky tone. Thankfully no one was standing right next to them.
Still, she felt her cheeks grow warm, knowing the other staff members were likely glancing at them curiously. “What are you doing here?” she asked in a whisper. “Did you come to see Emma?”
He slowly shook his head. “No, but I’m thrilled to see she’s off the vent. I came to see you. I realize you’re working but will you have dinner with me when you have time for a break?”
She wanted to refuse outright, but her tongue didn’t seem to be working properly. “We have a woman who’s in preterm labor,” she finally managed. “I’m not sure I’ll get a dinner break during my shift.”
“I’ll wait,” he said, obviously unwilling to accept any excuse. “And if you don’t have time, then I’ll wait until after your shift is over.”
She stared at him helplessly. “Why?”
“Because I need to talk to you. Please? It’s important.”
The earnest expression in his eyes made it impossible for Cassie to refuse his request. “All right
, but keep in mind that dinner isn’t likely.”
“That’s okay. I’ll swing by and if you’re too busy I’ll come back later.” He stroked a hand over Emma’s downy hair before turning to leave.
She watched him go, the urge to call him back nearly overwhelming. She focused her gaze on Emma instead. She knew that Ryan wanted to explain why he’d claimed that his wife’s death had been his fault, and he deserved to be heard.
And with the way her pulse rate had tripled on seeing him again, she suspected that nothing he could say would change her feelings about him.
She cared about Ryan, more than she could ever articulate.
Was it possible he felt the same way? Or had their amazing night of passion been one-sided? Did he wish for someone different? Someone who could bear him the children he deserved?
Or was fostering children enough?
She gave herself a mental shake, knowing that she’d have her answers soon enough. Right now, Emma needed her attention.
After the baby finished one ounce, Cassie gently took the bottle away and held Emma against her shoulder, rubbing the baby’s back to encourage a burp. The sound was little more than a hiccup, but did the trick.
It was so amazing to watch Emma drink from a bottle, without having any tubes. The baby didn’t even have the IV anymore, although the tiny bruises where the needles had been still lingered. No doubt Emma would soon be moved to the level-two nursery, which was one step closer to being discharged.
For a moment her heart squeezed in her breast. She was thrilled the baby was making progress, but at the same time, Emma’s well-being was more proof that she might not be able to become a foster parent in time.
Fate might have other plans for Emma.
Plans that didn’t include her.
For all she knew, there was a couple out there who would take Emma in and provide the baby with both a mother and a father. After all, Emma’s medical needs were probably not nearly as bad as they’d initially feared.
A two-parent household would always take precedence over a single parent, like herself, even if she was given an exception for her one-bedroom apartment.