by Jeff Adams
“News travels fast.” I scanned my menu quickly so I’d be ready when the waiter came. “I need some time.”
Over the top of the menu, I saw her look of confusion. “Time for what? You’ve got a job to do. There should be no question.”
This wasn’t the conversation I was after, and I wasn’t sure how much to let her in on since it would end up back with Dad.
“How have you been with Dad for all these years? It’s like thirty or something, right?”
“Thirty-three actually. And what kind of question is that? Maybe you have gone insane. I know a doctor…”
I laughed. “No. I’m…” I searched for what I was willing to say, and decided to just go for it. “Leo and I’ve been talking a lot about our future. I guess I’m curious if you and Dad are happy. Did everything turn out like you wanted it to?”
“I’m very happy,” she said as the waiter arrived. He poured us each a glass of water and left a basket of still steaming bread on the table. We also placed our order before Mom resumed. “I’ve got a life I enjoy. I’ve got two kids that turned out great, although I’m still wondering who you are with these questions. Did Leo put you up to this?”
“No. He knows I’m having lunch with you, but that’s all.”
She wasn’t used to having this kind of discussion, at least not with me. If the topic didn’t mean so much to me, it might have been funny.
“Doesn’t it make you crazy that Dad’s never home? For as long as I can remember he was out of the house early and home late. We barely even saw him on weekends, and then it was only if it was a special event or something he thought was really important. Otherwise he was working.”
She pursed her lips. I couldn’t tell what her mood was. I might’ve asked too much, but I didn’t know how else to find out what I wanted to know.
“I knew exactly who I was marrying,” she said after taking a drink of water. “He was ambitious, knew he wanted to be a success. I wanted to be the wife of a successful man.” Her expression softened as she looked directly at me. “It sounds old-fashioned, I know. My mother had it with my father and I wanted it, too. Like I said, I enjoy my life. I get to travel, work on projects I enjoy, throw the occasional party that makes your father look good.”
“Don’t you want to do things with him? Like travel? It never made sense how often we went away without him.”
“Of course I want him with me. I love him.”
I couldn’t reconcile what she was saying with the reality of what I knew.
“I wouldn’t stay, no matter how comfortable I was, if I didn’t love him.” I appreciated her candor. “We know exactly what we’re doing. When he retires in a decade or so, it’ll be all about us. He’s made sure that we’ll have more than enough money to do whatever we want. I’m willing to wait for that.”
“Isn’t it lonely?”
“It could be, but you know I stay busy. And it’s not like I can’t pick up a phone and talk to him during the day. And when he’s not traveling, we start and end every day together. There hasn’t been a day since he proposed to me that I haven’t received a flower from him. Did you know he cuts a fresh one every morning from the garden? If our garden’s out of season or he’s traveling, he gets it to me other ways. Meanwhile, I leave him a note or two to find during the day.”
I didn’t know any of that. All I’d seen for years was two people that seemed to pass in the night.
“Matthew, where are these questions coming from?” she asked after I contemplated too long.
While she’d been pretty candid, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be.
She pressed on. “Are you and Leo okay?”
“Mostly, yes.” I sighed and, again decided to be honest with her. “I don’t see him enough. I hate the constant travel and not being able to live up to Dad’s expectations. I get how he built the business. At least I understand now how you and he have lived. I don’t think it’s what I want.”
“I thought you wanted to be an architect.”
“I do. I love the work. I loved my internship with Dad. But…”
I couldn’t criticize him. Not to her. It wouldn’t be fair. I should confront him about my work issues first.
She nodded. I’d never seen her look this unguarded. Normally she had a perfect facade in place, keeping her feelings in check. The last time I’d seen her like this was when I was thirteen and came out. She had embraced me and told me it was completely okay.
“But you don’t want the life for you and Leo that your father and I have.”
I cringed. “It sounds awful when you put it like that.”
“It’s not for everyone.” Her tone let me know she was okay with how I felt. “Especially not today. It was for my mom. A stay-at-home mom who worked in the community was fairly common. Remember, I made this choice with your father. It’s a life that works for us because we agree on the plan. You and Leo have to do the same.”
This was a surreal conversation for so many reasons. For years I thought my mom just sorta hung on. Dad never seemed like a person who would discuss anything to the degree Mom described. There was more there than they ever let on.
“I had no idea you and Dad…”
“You never asked.” She smiled, reached across the table, and squeezed my hand. “Your father loves me, and I love him. We’re a team. He loves you and Margaret, too. He wants the best for you both, just like any father would.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
“Matthew.” The admonishment was clear even though she didn’t raise her voice. “Does he treat you any differently from any other employee?”
“I think so, yes.” So much for not critiquing Dad. “I don’t see anyone pushed as hard as I am, and I’ve looked to make sure I’m not just complaining. Maybe he thinks he has to because I’m his son. Or maybe it’s because he expects me to work in the same way he does. I don’t know.”
Our food arrived, and we were quiet as we dressed our salads. Finally Mom spoke.
“Talk to him,” she said simply. “Sit down and talk, whether you do it as employee to boss or father to son. Trust me, he’ll listen. He may not like what you have to say, but he’ll listen and tell you why he’s doing what he is.”
I couldn’t argue that. If he weren’t my dad, he would’ve fired me already.
“Okay. I’ll see him today.”
She smiled and took a small bite of her salad. I smiled back. I needed to see this version of my mom more often and I suspected if I talked to her more, I would.
“You know you can talk to me about anything. I know you think I’m this perfectly poised person, and I mostly am.” She winked at me, actually winked, and smiled. “But I’m your mom, too.”
Amazing. Unexpected. Maybe Dad would surprise me, too.
“Thanks,” I said. “I love you, Mom.”
Chapter 7: Leo
I loved the nights Matty and I played hockey together. Our team was part of the Pittsburgh Gay Hockey Association. I actually played on two teams—one where I could play to my full potential and the Tigers, where I played down because I was more skilled than the players in this division. Sometimes it was hard to not go for a play I knew I could make, but it was worth it to be on a team with Matty because it harkened back to how we met.
Even better was when we played at that first rink.
I was eighteen at the time and he was nineteen. I was straight, or at least I thought I was. Simon and Alex had been invited down by the PGHA because their coming out was such a big deal. They brought me and our friend Jackson along for the ride. Matty and I got to talking on the bench since we were defensemen. His gorgeous eyes drew me in, along with the quirky way he smiled. We ended up dancing at the after party, much to the shock of my friends.
Ten years later I still got goosebumps coming to this rink even though we played here at least once a month.
I enjoyed playing defense with Matty. It was different from when I played in the more advanced division where I was a center and
always looking to score. Here it was all about defense and setting up Matty or the forwards for plays.
We were rocking the game, leading 3-1 in the second period. Everyone was clicking and standing up to the opposition, a team that was tied with us for second place in the division.
The Rockets sped down the ice at us, the result of a breakout that started because our center let a puck get away. I skated fast backwards and looked to shut down the charging wing. Matty was going full tilt to get back to block the passing lane. As the wing prepared to shoot, I got close and poked the puck towards the boards. Matty zipped over to it and sent it up to Peter, one of our wings, who circled in the neutral zone. Peter popped the puck back to the center and they sprinted together, getting in behind the defensemen who weren’t prepared for the turnover.
“Great job, Matty,” I called out as we hustled to get back into the offensive play.
Igor, the center, sent the puck quickly back to Peter who was charging in and had a clear shot. He gained control just as he passed the right side of the faceoff dot and let it rip, just before two Rockets got to him. Peter and one of the Rockets crashed to the ice and slid. I flinched as they crashed loudly into the boards.
The ref sounded a whistle, pointing at the net to indicate a goal. There was cheering from our bench. The Rockets player quickly got to his feet, while Peter still laid on the ice.
He wasn’t moving at all.
Matty and I skated closer. One of the other Rockets was on his knees next to Peter. The ref kneeled on the ice next to them as the rest of the Rockets on the ice gathered by their net.
“Call 911. We need an ambulance now,” the Rockets player said as he got Peter’s helmet off. Matty shot me a concerned look. The ref took off to the scorekeeper’s box.
Jimmy, Peter’s boyfriend, was suddenly at our side. He’d been on the bench, waiting for his shift. “What’s happening?” He sounded flustered. “Wait, is that blood?”
I hadn’t noticed it before, but there was a splotch of blood on the ice near Peter’s head.
Jimmy rushed in and dropped to his knees next to Peter.
“I need a towel, right now. Something clean.” It was the Rockets player again. No one moved, so I jumped into action.
“On it,” I called, and sprinted to our bench. I knew a couple guys kept towels.
“What’s happening,” Josh, our team captain, asked as I got to the bench.
“I need a clean towel.” Josh quickly handed me one as I continued. “Peter’s not moving and he’s bleeding. That’s all I know.”
I sprinted back to the scene. Handing the towel over, I saw the side of Peter’s head, blood in his hair and running on to the ice. The guy from the Rockets held the towel to Peter’s head.
A wave of dizziness overtook me and I wobbled. Someone caught me from behind.
“Leo?”
It was Matty, but he sounded a million miles away.
My mind flashed back. Jackson on the ground and me holding his head, trying to stop the bleeding.
“Get the rink’s first aid kit. Niles! I need the kit out of my car, right now.” The guy from the Rockets called out. His voice was loud, but muffled.
“Shit.” It was Matty again. “Igor, help me get him to the bench.”
“What is it?”
“Just help me,” Matty said.
I looked at Matty as they guided me, but he was out of focus. The movie playing in my head threatened to overtake everything.
We stopped.
“Leo?” Matty looked straight into my eyes as he pulled off my helmet. He placed his hands on either side of my face. “Leo. Focus on me. It’s okay.”
His voice was clearer, but my body shook uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice cracking.
“It’s fine.”
“Let’s sit him down,” Josh said. That I heard clearly. “Get him on the bench.”
“You want to sit?” Matty asked
I shook my head and wrapped Matty in a hug—a very awkward hug, since we were in full gear.
“Take your time,” Matty said, tightening our embrace since the shaking wouldn’t stop.
The rink door opened and I heard new voices. I took a couple deep breaths and pulled away from Matty to see what was happening. The scene was all too familiar—the paramedics, teammates moving back.
“Better?” Matty asked.
I nodded. “Sorry,” I looked into his peaceful eyes and centered myself.
“You okay?” Josh asked quietly from behind me.
I shrugged. “It’s just…” My voice cracked again.
“He lost a good friend years ago, and there’s a lot about this that’s similar.”
Matty left it at that.
Our players who were still on the ice came back to the bench as Rockets players went to their bench, leaving only the one player who’d been helping and Jimmy.
“We should get dressed and go to the hospital,” Josh said. “We should be there for Jimmy and Peter.”
“Yeah,” Igor said, and there were other murmurs of agreement.
“Ref?” Josh called out to the ref who stood nearest to our bench.
“Yeah?” he skated over.
“We’re going to change and head over to the hospital. I guess we’ll have to call a forfeit.”
The ref nodded. “They were going to move us to the other rink to finish the game so they could clean up in here. But I understand. If it were my teammate, I’d be outta here, too. Let me get the other captain.”
Jimmy sprinted over to us as the ref conferred with the Rockets captain.
“Can someone bring my clothes to the hospital? I’m just going to get my shoes and go in the ambulance.”
I picked that moment to snap fully back to reality. “You got it,” I said. “Go.”
He took off again. Matty shot me a slight smile and I gave him a nod.
The ref and the Rockets captain came over, along with the guy that had helped Peter, who was being wheeled out on a stretcher.
“We can’t accept the forfeit,” the Rockets captain said. “We don’t want the win under these circumstances. It wouldn’t be right. We’ll forfeit as well, and the league can decide what to do.”
“Really?” Josh asked, sounding surprised. “That’s. Wow.”
The captain gave a small smile. “We wouldn’t do that with every team, but you guys are always great to play. So, yeah. We really don’t want to take a win like this.”
Josh pulled off his glove and extended a hand. “We appreciate that.” The captains shook. “Thank you.” He turned to the guy who’d been helping Peter. “And thank you for stepping up like you did.” Josh shook his hand, too.
“You’re welcome. I couldn’t let him lie there.”
“We’re lucky to have Cooper on the team,” the captain said. “He takes good care of us, and sometimes the other team, too.”
“Is Peter going to be okay?” Matty asked.
“I can’t answer that,” Cooper said. “I don’t have enough information. His vitals were okay, which is good. The blood looks worse than it was. Somehow a piece of plastic from the helmet dug into his scalp a bit. But with the impact, the hospital docs are going to have to run tests because he was out cold here.”
“Is your guy okay?” I asked. “He looked a little rough coming out of that crash.”
“Yeah. Bit of a shoulder tweak, but nothing that some ice and stretches can’t take care of.”
“If he needs any help,” I said, “I’m a physical therapist with the Penguins, and I’d be happy to look at him. My contact info is on the league site if he needs any help.”
“I appreciate that,” Cooper said. “I’ll let him know.”
Josh nodded. “That’s good. Listen, we’re going to go.” He turned to the ref. “I guess you’ll list it as a double forfeit?”
“I guess,” the ref said. ‘I’ve never logged anything like this before, but I’ll figure it out. Gotta say, you guys have exemplary
sportsmanship. It’s good to see.”
The ref skated off.
“We’d like to buy you guys a round sometime,” Josh said to the Rockets captain.
“That’d be cool. We’ll take you up on that. Please give Peter and his boyfriend our best.”
“Will do.”
The teams dispersed. Matty and I skated over to where everything had happened and picked up Peter’s equipment.
“We should make sure to take Peter’s bag, and his street clothes, so Jimmy’s got them,” Matty said. “You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah,” I said as we made our way off the ice and towards the locker room. “Seeing Peter there, it was horrible. You don’t expect that in our games. And it brought back a lot of bad memories.”
“You wanna go home? I’m sure the team would understand.”
“No. I’ll be fine. We should be there.”
“All right, let’s get outta here.”
Chapter 8: Matt
I left Leo at the hospital with the team. It was time to talk to Dad. Time to take some action. It shook me that Jimmy wasn’t allowed back to see Peter because he wasn’t family. They weren’t married, so he couldn’t prove he was more than a friend. He had to wait until Peter’s parents arrived to vouch for him.
What kind of an ass was I that I didn’t think Leo and me should be married? Not only did I love Leo madly, but I wanted him—us—protected. What if it’d been him hurt? So many what ifs come to mind.
As I pulled up to my parents’ house, it was lit up and there were cars in the driveway.
Shit. There were people here. That hadn’t occurred to me, although it should have. I spent many Saturday nights either holed up in my room or at a sleepover because they were entertaining. It was usually the one night work followed Dad home, as these gatherings were often connected to the business.
I didn’t want to make a scene, and I certainly wasn’t dressed for the occasion, so I parked on the street and walked around to the back of the house. Through the window I could see two other couples seated at the dining room table with my parents. In the brief glimpse I got, everyone seemed to be quite jovial. I entered the house through the mud room, using my key.