He picked up my shirt and bra, and laid them next to my hand.
“Come on.” Everything about him now seemed so cold, hard. “Show me what to do. Teach me.” No reaction. “Please.”
“There’s only room for two of us in this relationship.” Oh my God. “I know you’re in love with him, Abby. And apparently, there’s nothing I can do to change that.” Eli got up off the bed.
I wanted to apologize, or beg for forgiveness. This was ripping me to shreds: hurting Eli, who had stepped into the crossfire of a battlefield that had no boundaries; and the fact that he didn’t have any more fight to give. For me, for us. Nothing seemed like the right thing to do.
I wasn’t going to lie to him. It wasn’t any secret I was in love with Devon. But if that was the case, why did this hurt so badly? When Devon had given me the chance to drop everything and have him, I didn’t take it. Because I wanted something different than what we had.
I really, really liked Eli. I wasn’t in love with him, yet, but maybe I could be at some point. And I think it was safe to say he felt the same way about me. Or he had, anyway. I was willing to try, and up until a few moments ago, so was Eli. But now, he was actually backing away from me like my body was a live grenade.
“Where are you going?” It was best I kept it simple, that way I wouldn’t say anything that would make this worse. If that was even possible.
“I’m going to take a shower.” His look of utter defeat would burn my soul forever. Once the bathroom door clicked closed, I curled up into a ball and cried.
Everything I’d feared came true. That my inexperience made me undesirable. That I let Devon speak for me when I wanted to speak for myself. He’d done it with every guy I’d ever brushed off, or refused to consider. He didn’t have to be here, or anywhere, but my actions were his representative. Now I was almost at a place where I could move past that, have my life totally back, and the door slammed shut in my face.
Was it even fair for me to place the blame on Devon? He’d made me no promises.
Eli was right, there was only room for two of us in this relationship. Now there was no relationship to be in.
Reaching down and taking Eli’s T-shirt off the floor, I buried my face in it and breathed in as much as I could, my emotions strangling me.
Did I really flinch? God, Eli probably felt as shattered as I did right now. I’d rejected him first. But all of this was new to me, the sensations, the emotions, and even if I had a funny way of showing it, I’d liked it. I wanted more. The bourbon made me get carried away. Even though I knew something was probably going to happen tonight, I didn’t expect to knock things out of the park as soon as we got in the room.
More excuses.
Eli stayed in the bathroom a long time, or at least it seemed that way. Time didn’t really have any meaning any more, all I knew was that I was going to be alone forever.
He’d put his jeans back on, his bare back now just a taunting reminder of what I couldn’t have, and he didn’t even acknowledge me as he opened his suitcase. Sitting on the other bed, he opened his laptop and stared at it. I lay under the comforter, rolled into a semi-fetal position, and tried to will him to give me another chance. But instead, he was totally absorbed in the computer screen, his mouth a hard flat line.
His body language was pretty easy to read after years of living and fighting with my sister: he just wanted me to disappear.
“Do you want to watch a movie or something?” My voice shook. A movie would at least shatter the horrible, awkward silence without us having to actually talk to each other.
Without looking away from the computer, a look of disbelief spread over his face. “No.”
“Are we ever going to talk about this?” A little fatalistic, a little soon, but I’d already let him slip through my fingers. Eli might have been just out of my reach, but he was really a million miles away.
Eli turned his head, finally, and my heart lightened. There was no contempt on his face, but there was nothing. Completely shut down. So much for feeling better. He didn’t say anything right away. “Not now, Abby.”
“If I said I was sorry, it would be like I meant to hurt you. And I didn’t.” I knew he said not yet, but I had his attention. I had to take advantage of it. I may never have it again. “I just want you to know that.”
He raised his eyebrows but turned back to the computer. Maybe he was looking for another hotel room, or to see if there was any way out of his contract with the band.
Suddenly, I was aware again that there was a world outside of this hotel room. And the micro universe of the show and the band functioned like normal just outside that door. The party roared on in the parking lot, and I almost encouraged Eli to go join them. The room was running out of air. Maybe it would be easier to breathe if I couldn’t see him. I’d go myself, but how was I ever going to face any of them without completely breaking down? Admitting every single one of my shortcomings? I’d be even more alone. Devon was probably off banging some slut, and I’d hear all about it later, when she broke his heart or he decided he couldn’t stand her but didn’t have the balls to get rid of her.
Why he came to me for advice on these things, I’d never know. I was the girl that no one wanted to have sex with.
I woke up with Too Many Reasons stuck in my head. At first, I was excited, but then the emptiness poured back in, filling me like cement.
“There’s breakfast in the lobby.” Eli’s voice jarred me out of my trance. I hadn’t found the will to move from the bed yet, I was still exactly where he’d left me last night. I drew the comforter in closer to me, and realized I was still hugging his shirt.
I nodded, not ready for words yet. The mention of food made my stomach swim. I pushed his shirt down with the sheets when I sat up. He didn’t need to see I still had it. Every one of my muscles screamed in protest when I moved, my emotional and physical hangover heavier than gravity. I held my head in my hands while I got my bearings.
Eventually I made it to the shower. Letting the water wash down over me, a part of me was sad to rinse the only evidence I had of Eli’s touch away. The rest of me was happy for an attempt at a fresh start. I stayed in the shower until I was pruny, but I couldn’t make the frustration or humiliation go away.
I didn’t know how I was ever going to get through this day.
This day, the one I’d been looking forward to ever since I said I’d manage Sinister Riot. Not when I started getting the paycheck a few weeks ago, but when Devon first started to talk to Caleb and Mo, and the band was new and fresh and the sky was the limit. We’d been right, here we were, getting ready to play in front of over ten thousand people, depending on how early they got to the show. Sharing the stage with bands we idolized.
And I couldn’t wait for it to be over.
The outfit I packed seemed ridiculous now. Three days ago, in the safety of my apartment, it made perfect sense to wear my latex leggings and lacy tank top to the show. Everything else I had with me was T-shirts and yoga pants, which I could not wear in front of rock royalty. I planned to burn my outfit from yesterday.
Eli had brought breakfast back to the room for me. Cereal, a banana, and coffee. He sat at the desk, still engrossed in his damn laptop, eating whatever he’d brought back for himself. My stomach groaned, I wasn’t sure if it was a warning or not, but I poured the milk over my cereal. “Thank you,” I said before I dove in.
“I’m not sure what they’ll have at the show, and it’s going to be a long day.” Eli didn’t look away from the computer. “I’ve set up a few interviews for after our set.”
All business. “I should be doing that.” There was no hiding my irritation. Eli kept doing my job, and at first I thought maybe he wanted to help me, but now it felt like a competition. Like I wasn’t good enough at that, either. “It’s my job.”
“It’s cool.” He brushed me off, and my skin prickled. “I knew these guys, anyway. You probably wouldn’t have been able to connect with them in time.”
“I’m a part of this band, Abby.” He rose from the desk, I wanted to slap the look of disbelief off of his face. “All I’m trying to do is make things better.”
“You just want to make money,” I spat. “You don’t care about the band, you care about Eli.”
Eli shook his head and rubbed his face. “Believe whatever you want.” He sighed. “God knows I can’t change your mind.”
I told myself I was going to ignore that remark, but that red flash of anger took over. “Then why do you have your own manager? Are there any other ways you want to tell me that I’m not good enough?”
His eyes blinked rapidly, probably just as pissed as I was. “Because I didn’t work this hard to put my career in the hands of some lovesick little girl who has no idea what she’s doing.”
“You knew exactly what you were signing yourself up for, Eli.” There was no way we were still fighting about the band, but if I didn’t pretend we were, I’d break down. I was not going to do that. “We signed up to grow together. You need us just as much as we need you.”
“I’m not going to hold the band back because you have a learning curve.” He practically spit the words out, then sat back down, hard, at the desk.
If he wanted to be all business, so could I. “I’d like for you to copy me on those emails, please.”
“Fine.”
“And any other promotional stuff concerning the band,” I continued. “I don’t care what you do for yourself.”
All the color drained from his face, and I almost took it back. If he wanted to be all business, I could throw jabs, too. I pulled my band folder out of my bag, and reviewed my notes. Honestly, as long as everyone got in the van on time, which from the sounds of that party last night could be touch and go, we were all set. I didn’t like to leave anything to the last minute. My phone dinged as Eli forwarded me the emails.
Business as usual. Yeah, right. I couldn’t resist looking at who these interviews were with, and if they were worth fighting over in the first place. National radio shows, a popular cable TV show, some web stuff. Way more than I could have ever set up. This was going to be so good for the guys, but I wasn’t ready to swallow my pride and tell him he’d done a good job.
Instead, I tossed the phone back on the bed and went into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. It seemed trivial, especially in light of our argument, and I hardly had the heart to do it. There was no way I could avoid feeling like shit today, but at least I could look good. I’d look even more foolish barefaced with a ponytail in this outfit.
“I hate fighting with you, Abby.” Eli leaned in the doorframe, I hadn’t bothered closing the door. I hadn’t expected an audience, and almost burned myself with my curling iron.
“I don’t want to fight with you, either.” I met his eyes in the mirror, but I kept working on my hair. Neither of us seemed ready to go as far as apologizing.
“You’re doing a great job, and I didn’t mean to step on your toes with the interviews.” He didn’t come any closer.
“I’m doing the best I can.”
“I know you are.” Were we talking about the band anymore?
I steered it back to business, before things got messy. “That’s some good stuff that you set up. We need that level of coverage.”
“Good. I’m glad you’re not mad.” Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but not about the interviews anyway. “Right now, if I have the connections, we should use them to our advantage. It’s going to benefit the band as a whole.”
“I know that.” I raked my fingers through the curls, breaking them up, then picked up sections of my hair and sprayed underneath with hairspray. I’d learned long ago there was no beating humidity, there was simply adjusting to it. Sliding my makeup bag forward and unzipping it, I looked back at Eli in the mirror.
He hadn’t taken his eyes off of me.
Time for things to get messy. Before I put on mascara. “This isn’t about the band.” I turned around and faced him, leaning against the counter.
“No.” Eli looked down as he rubbed his arm. “It’s not. I shouldn’t have done that, last night.”
“I’m trying my best.” Just because I’d confronted the scary thing and actually said something didn’t mean I was comfortable talking about this. “It’s all I can do.” I turned back to the mirror and pulled my eyeliner out to the bag. I snuck one last look at Eli before I began tracing my lash line. He watched my every move, but he was just a reflection, something I couldn’t touch.
Someone banged on the door frantically, and I almost poked my eye out. Eli opened the door, and Frankie barged in. “We can’t wake up Devon.”
“Oh my God.” I ran out to the parking lot before I realized I had no idea what direction to go in. The time I had to wait for an answer was time wasted. “Where is he?”
“Room forty-one.” Frankie followed after me. “It’s right there.” He’d left the door propped open by the bar that went across the lock.
“Has anyone called 911?” Eli called from the room.
“Fuck. No.” Frankie was somewhere behind me, but I didn’t have time to look back at him. “Do you think it’s that serious?”
Devon looked like he did many nights when he needed to hide away at my house. His limbs were splayed out wide on the rumpled bed. He still had clothes on; he must have passed out as soon as he got back to the room. He looked peaceful, like he was just sleeping.
“Devon!” I shouted before I sat next to him on the bed. His head swayed with the weight shift of the mattress, but other than that, no reaction. His skin felt cool to the touch, and not in a good way. I leaned down next to his ear. “Wake up!”
Nothing.
“The paramedics are on their way.” I didn’t even know Eli had followed us into the room, still on the phone. “Is he breathing?”
Oh my God. I put my fingers lightly on his lips, not realizing before now they were tinged blue. It took forever to come, but warm air touched my skin. “Yes.”
Surprisingly, I was still breathing. I pushed his shoulder as hard as I could. “Abby, we already tried that. He’s out.” Frankie tried to reason with me.
“The person on the phone said to turn him on his side, so he doesn’t choke.” Eli came up behind me, and put his hand over mine on Devon’s shoulder so we could roll him onto his side. It was harder than it should have been, his dead weight fighting us.
I rubbed Devon’s back, hoping something, anything would make him come to. He coughed, nasty phlegm rolling down the side of his cheek when we moved him, but he still didn’t wake.
The other guys had come in the room, and they’d lined up against the wall, looking pale, even Mo. And scared.
“What happened last night?” I asked anyone willing to answer.
Frankie shook his head. “He took off for a while.” With that slut, one of them, or maybe both, who knows. I hated myself for thinking it. This wasn’t the time for me to be jealous. That shit didn’t matter right now. “I’m not sure what time he came back.”
“Was anyone with him?” Eli asked. Everyone shook their heads. Shit. We had no idea what he’d done. Devon didn’t really like drugs, we had that working in our favor. We’d tried weed in high school, but we both decided it just made us hungry and tired. Not worth the money. But he certainly loved his whiskey.
Where did the paramedics have to come from? God knows where the closest hospital was. We weren’t even in an actual town. I kept rubbing Devon’s back, silent tears streaming down my cheeks, my heart stopping every time his beat.
“What are we going to do about the show?” Mo asked the question no one else dared to. “We’re supposed to leave in a half an hour.”
“Can we cancel?” Caleb asked. “It sucks, but even if he wakes up, he’s not going to be in any shape to go on.”
If he wakes up. Sweet Jesus.
“I can sing,” Eli said. The guys looked back and forth at each other, eyes wide, and eventually, they all nodded. Plan B started to form when the paramedics arrived.
They couldn’t do much in the room, they asked the same questions Eli and I had before they lifted him on to the stretcher.
“Is anyone coming to the hospital with him?”
My legs could barely hold me when I rose from the bed. “I am.”
Eli walked me out to the ambulance, he actually had to keep me up. “He’s going to be all right.” He wiped the tears from my face as the paramedics loaded the stretcher. “Keep us posted, okay?”
“Please. Let me come with him.” The triage nurse asked me to sit in the waiting room while they got Devon settled. “I’m his emergency contact.”
“We’ll come get you as soon as we can.” She insisted, leading me away from Devon. The EMTs were able to at least confirm stable stats, even if they were slow. “I’ll bring you the paperwork.” People stared when I walked in. It wasn’t every day they saw someone in pleather pants with their bra hanging out of their tank top sitting in the waiting room of the ER. I didn’t really care. My best friend was being wheeled into some mystery recess of this building, and I had no idea what was wrong with him.
As soon as we can, my ass. I waited for forty-five minutes after I passed in Devon’s information. Then I gave someone else the information all over again. “Can I please see him now?” I got tired of being patient.
“Follow me.” The nurse brought me through a maze of hallways, and led me to the emergency department. Devon lay behind a curtain, still unconscious. I gasped at the IVs in his hand and the oxygen tubes in his nose and almost passed out myself.
“They’re precautions,” she explained. “Since we can’t be sure what he ingested until we get the blood tests back. But the fluids should help him wake up.”
I pulled the plastic chair over to Devon’s bed, and played with the fingers on the hand that didn’t have the IV. I hoped that somehow, he knew I was here. Every so often, someone came in to check his stats, and assured me things were improving.
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