Chooch couldn’t stop and soon his tears were pouring over Queen Champignon.
“I order you to stop that incessant blubbering!” the queen cried.
Chooch’s tears continued to flow all over the queen as well as all of the mushrooms, and right before Luno’s very eyes, the mushrooms started to somehow get bigger! What was happening?
“I command you!” gurgled the queen. “Cease!”
Then Luno remembered a kitchen tip from Roog: Mushrooms should only be cleaned with a vegetable brush or damp cloth, but never underwater because they’re extremely absorbent!
The queen tried to shake Chooch off her stalk, but Luno told him to hang on; and soon all of the mushrooms were so bloated and squishy, they couldn’t move!
As Luno, Clive, and Chooch now easily slipped out of the stalks, the queen burbled, “Seize them!” but none of them could understand her and even if they did, they couldn’t really do anything about it.
Luno dashed to the delivery pod as fast as he could and scrambled up the ladder, then opened the hatch. He dropped to the floor and sprang into the pilot’s seat. As he furiously jabbed at the ignition button, he heard Clive climb into the pod and Chooch fall to the floor with a crash. With his crew present and accounted for, Luno slammed the pod into gear and floored the accelerator.
They bolted into the sky and soon Planet Fungi was just another dot in the rearview screen.
“Well,” said Chooch, “all’s swell that ends swell!”
Luno smiled. He had to agree, but then he realized he hadn’t gotten paid for this delivery, either. There was no way he was ever going to get a big enough tip from his third delivery, to Planet Freezorg, whatever that was, to make up for not getting paid for two whole pizzas.
What was Dad going to say?
Just as he was feeling himself falling into a spiral of fear, anxiety, and depression, the entire pod was jolted with a PANG, bringing him back to reality.
“Quantum delivery ship at six o’clock!” shouted Chooch.
But when Luno looked in the rearview screen there was nothing. Then he looked up at the windshield. It was dead ahead!
As he dodged the Quantum ship’s laser fire, Luno shouted, “What do you mean six o’clock? It’s twelve o’clock!”
“No it isn’t,” said Chooch, crawling under the control panel.
“I am afraid Chooch is correct, Mr. Zorgoochi,” Clive said, pointing at the dashboard clock. “It is six o’clock.”
Rather than explain the concept of hour location, Luno concentrated on the far more pressing matter of their rival pizzeria once again trying to take them out.
“I must say, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive, calmly observing Luno perform one cunning move after the other, “the way Quantum delivery ships locate us is quite uncanny.”
“Yeah.” Chooch peeked out and agreed, “They don’t use cans!”
Luno fell into an almost trancelike state as he found himself anticipating where the Quantum ship would fire next. This went way beyond playing Asteroid Dodger and Luno knew it. The other thing that dawned on him was, unlike the last time, there were no clusters of asteroids for him to hide in.
However, up ahead was a massive yawning vortex, blacker than the blackest space swirling in the distance, sucking up everything that came near it.
“Look!” gasped Luno. “A wormhole!”
“That is impossible, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive, not looking up from his device. “Wormholes are merely theoretical.”
“Is it full of giant space worms?” Chooch gasped.
“The simplest explanation would be that a wormhole is a shortcut through spacetime to another dimension, time, or area in the universe,” said Clive. “Imagine spacetime as a two-dimensional plane which is folded together, creating a bridge. Now, that bridge—”
“Not a good time for a physics lesson, Clive!” shouted Luno.
“As I said,” added Clive, “wormholes are only hypothetical.”
“Well, it looks pretty real to me!” said Luno as he continued to dodge Quantum’s fire and avoid the wormhole’s irresistible gravitational pull at the same time.
“We’re gonna die!” whimpered Chooch from under the control panel.
“The logical action to take,” said Clive, “would be to confront them directly, Mr. Zorgoochi.”
Luno knew that Clive was probably right, but was afraid that Chooch was probably right, maybe even more so. If he only had the Golden Anchovy to protect him, but like his dad said, that was for fun. This was for real.
Luno didn’t know what else to do. He stopped resisting the irresistible pull of the wormhole and just let go.
As the tiny Zorgoochi delivery pod was sucked into the vacuum, a feeling of shame washed over Luno.
He was running away.
Again.
The orange emergency lights in the cockpit flashed and the siren blared as Clive calmly tightened his seat belt and Chooch rocked back and forth under the control panel, muttering, “In the event of decompression, an oxygen mask will appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you…”
“I’m sorry, Dad,” Luno whispered.
Then everything went black.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Through the Wormhole
Luno pushed open the front door to Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza. The familiar aroma of tomato sauce filled his nose and the heat from the pizza ovens warmed his bones. He was finally home.
“Son!” Geo said with a twinkle in his eye, arms open wide. “I’m so proud of you!”
Luno smiled and slid his hand into his pocket.
Geo looked down at Luno’s open palm and his arms fell to his sides.
“Where’s the money from the deliveries, Luno?” Geo asked.
Luno looked down.
“I,” Luno muttered, “I-I don’t know.”
“Brutto Malo!” Geo cursed. “We need that money, Luno!” His father’s hands balled into tight angry fists as he moved closer. Luno backed up toward the door. He never saw his father so mad before. It scared him.
“Luno, you will never be good enough to take over this pizzeria!” Geo bellowed. “Never!”
Luno turned and ran out the door.
“How could you let us down, Luno?” Connie wept. He turned to see his mother standing in front of the pizzeria crying and futilely waving her hands at the sign, which now read Quantum Pizza.
Geo burst through the door and ran after Luno!
“You let us all down, Luno!” dozens of voices wailed. He turned to see Solaro, Vulcanelli, Tomino, and all the rest of his dead ancestors pouring out of the pizzeria chasing him, too!
Luno tried to run faster, but could barely move. He looked down. He was knee-deep in melted mozzarella.
Suddenly, his father’s giant hand clamped down on his shoulder. It felt cold and hard like metal.
“Luno!” Geo shouted. “Luno!”
Luno tried to get away, but he couldn’t.
“Luno!”
Luno opened his eyes. Chooch was standing over him, shaking his shoulder.
“Luno! Luno, wake up!” Chooch said. “Guess what? We’re not dead! Isn’t that great?”
Luno blinked and looked around. He was still in the delivery pod. There were pizza boxes, tools, and trash all over, but Chooch was right. They weren’t dead.
They were at the other end of the wormhole.
“Hmmm,” said Clive. “It appears that wormholes are not theoretical, but indeed fact, Mr. Zorgoochi. I will have a full report for you by tomorrow morning.”
This was all well and good for Clive’s research, but Luno had no idea where or when or even which dimension they were in. He sat down and scraped the pepperoni off the control panel, then pecked away at the instruments, trying to get a read on their time, space, or dimensional location, but he had no luck.
To continue their lack of good luck or perhaps abundance of bad, Luno heard a familiar sound.
Ka-chunk!
It was the fan belt again.
With smoke pouring from the engine panel, the pod managed to sputter and rattle to a nearby planetoid before it overheated and blew up.
Luno opened the hatch and stuck his head out. He couldn’t quite place the aroma. Some sort of soft cheese on a desolate asteroid? Luno chalked it up to a cosmic cross-breeze or to his socks needing to be changed more often. No matter, he had a fan belt to fix again and there was no time for food. As he walked across the hood of the pod, Luno looked around. A desolate expanse with a mountain range in the distance.
He would have to figure out a way to patch up the fan belt without any spare parts or help. Luno sighed deeply, then knelt down and opened the engine panel. He ducked his head in and reached into the engine.
“Luno?”
Bang!
“What?” he snapped, rubbing the top of his head.
“I’m bored,” said Chooch.
Luno shook his head and rolled his eyes, then ducked back into the engine.
“Mr. Zorgoochi?”
Bang!
“What?” Luno asked, rubbing his head again.
“Being that you still have one more delivery to execute,” said Clive, “I recommend you repair the pod’s auxiliary fan belt immediately.”
Luno sighed, and then ducked back in.
“Hello!”
Bang!
“WHAT?” Luno shouted.
He pulled his head out and looked down, then gasped.
“Can I help?” a tall, wizened alien asked. He was dressed in a long brown robe and flanked by several similarly dressed aliens of various shapes and sizes.
“How would he know if you could help him?” a short one said to the tall one.
“Hmmm, I guess you’re right,” the tall one said, scratching his chin, and then turned to Luno. “I guess I can’t help you.”
The tall alien turned to leave, but then turned back.
“Unless it has to do with engines,” he said.
“Yes!” said Luno, relieved. “It does!”
“Well!” chirped the tall alien. “Then I really can’t help you. I don’t know a thing about engines.”
Luno furrowed his brow and said, “Thanks a lot.”
“You’re welcome!” The tall alien smiled, turned, and started walking toward the mountain range with the other aliens trailing close behind in a line.
“Wait!” Luno called. He climbed down from the pod and caught up with them. “Where am I?”
The tall alien stopped, causing the rest of them to bump into one another. He gave Luno an incredulous look, and then turned to the others, who looked equally confused. He shrugged.
“You’re right there,” the tall alien said, pointing at Luno.
They started to walk away again, but Luno caught up with them and waved his arms around. “No! I mean where am I?”
“Well,” the tall alien said, “you used to be over there, but now you’re over here.”
Luno realized he wasn’t going to get anywhere and was sure they weren’t going to help him fix the fan belt, so he gave up and walked back to the pod.
Clive and Chooch approached Luno.
“Can we go now, Luno?” Chooch whined.
“Have you completed the necessary repairs, Mr. Zorgoochi?” Clive asked.
Luno wearily shook his head.
“Zorgoochi?” the tall alien asked. “Now where have I heard that name before?”
“Why, he just said it,” the short one replied, pointing at Clive.
“Ah, I guess you’re right,” said the tall alien, then turned to the others and said, “Come now, fellows. Time to practice Tai Cheese!”
Luno stood there watching the nine robed aliens make their way toward the foot of the mountain when a thought suddenly struck him. He tried to push it out of his mind, but just couldn’t.
Luno called to the tall alien, “You wouldn’t happen to be Master Uno, would you?”
The tall alien stopped, causing the others to bump into one another once more.
“I don’t know,” he replied, scratching his head. “I was yesterday.”
Luno gasped. His body crawled with goose bumps. His heart pounded. He was almost too afraid to move.
“You can’t be,” Luno said.
“Then I’m probably not,” said the tall alien.
“Unless you are,” said the short one.
“I never thought of that,” said the tall one.
Luno ran up and pointed to each alien. “That means you’re Due, you’re Tre, you’re Quattro, you’re Cinque, you’re Sei, you’re Sette, you’re Otto, and you’re Nove!”
“Now that that’s been cleared up,” said Master Uno, “let’s get going, fellows.”
Chooch asked, “So who are these guys, Luno?”
“They’re the Mozzarella Monks!” Luno shouted.
“Really? I can’t believe it!” cried Chooch, but then asked, “Um, who are they?”
Luno explained that his dad told him stories about the fabled Mozzarella Monks, the greatest cheese makers in the universe, who lived on the enchanted Planet of Formaggio. Only they held the secret of making the finest cheese in the Mezzaluna Galaxy and, in the most rare instance, shared those secrets with someone they felt worthy.
“My father told me you taught my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Solaro Zorgoochi how to make cheese,” said Luno.
“Solaro Zorgoochi was our brightest student!” said Quattro.
“But this is not the case for all of our students,” said Due, as the monks nodded in agreement.
“Hmmm, Zorgoochi,” said Master Uno. “I thought you looked familiar. You’ve inherited Solaro’s nose.”
“Wow!” said Luno. “You can tell I have his super sense of smell just by looking at me?”
“Oh, do you?” Master Uno asked. “I just meant you have a big nose like his.”
Upon hearing that Luno was a descendant of their most talented pupil, the Mozzarella Monks bowed deeply to him. Luno bowed in return.
“So this is Planet Formaggio,” Luno said, looking around.
“It isn’t actually planet,” Due added. “It’s more like a giant cheese ball we made.”
Then Due turned and shouted at one of the monks, “Nove! Quit eating the planet!”
“Sorry,” Nove said, wiping his chin.
Tre asked Luno how he was able to find Formaggio, when the monks took such great lengths to stay hidden.
“Why?” Chooch asked. “Don’t you want to be found?”
“No!” replied Master Uno. “Because every Tom, Dick, and Luno will start showing up!”
“Hey,” said Chooch. “His name is Luno!”
“See what I mean?” asked Master Uno.
Clive explained that they arrived via wormhole. Chooch assured them that there weren’t any space worms in it.
Luno asked Tre, who seemed to be the least loopy of the monks, who they were hiding from.
“Vlactron,” said Tre.
The Mozzarella Monks shuddered at the sound of the name. Otto fainted and had to be revived with a piece of Limburger.
“You mean Vlactron’s real, too?” Luno asked. “And still alive?”
Tre nodded grimly.
Luno explained to Clive and Chooch his father told him that years ago, Vlactron tried to steal the Golden Anchovy from Solaro, then Luno stopped mid-sentence and turned to the monks.
“And the Golden Anchovy?” Luno asked.
The Mozzarella Monks smiled and nodded, Yes, it’s real, too.
“Why didn’t Vlactron just take the Golden Anchovy from Solaro if he wanted it so badly?” Luno asked.
Tre explained that the Golden Anchovy could not be taken, but only willingly given, otherwise it would die.
“‘But if you steal it,’” Luno recited the rhyme to himself, “‘you hereby cause the Golden Anchovy to die.’ Wow. I haven’t thought of that in years.”
Tre went on to explain that Vlactron threatened the monks to convince Solaro to g
ive it to him, which was when the Monks left Planet Formaggio, went into hiding, and made Formaggio2, where they currently were. As far as Tre knew, Vlactron was still looking for the Golden Anchovy to this very day.
“So where’s the Golden Anchovy now?” Luno asked.
No one knew, but Due explained that the name of the one who would someday find it had been written on the ancient Stilton Stones.
“But unfortunately, they were carved out of cheese,” said Due. “And Nove here ate them before we could read the name on the tablet!”
“I said I was sorry!” Nove shouted.
“They were over a thousand years old!” said Due.
“What can I say?” said Nove. “I love aged Stilton!”
“Hmmm. Is that Vlactron fellow the one with that pizzeria?” Master Uno asked, scratching his chin. “You know—Quasar? Quotient? Quahog?”
“QUANTUM?!” Luno shouted. “You mean Vlactron runs Quantum, the biggest, most-cutthroat pizzeria chain in the galaxy?”
Luno frantically paced back and forth waving his arms around, ranting about what would happen if the most dangerous alien got his hands on the most powerful pizza topping. Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza wouldn’t stand a chance! With the protection of the Golden Anchovy, nothing could stop Vlactron from destroying his parents’ pizzeria. He would be invincible!
Then Luno fell to ground, panting.
Master Uno looked up at the setting suns and then to the rest of the Mozzarella Monks. Without a word, they stepped over Luno and started toward the mountain.
“Wait a minute,” said Luno, getting up. “What are you doing?”
“It’s time to go,” said Master Uno.
“But you have to find the Golden Anchovy!” said Luno. “You have to stop Vlactron!”
“No, we don’t,” said Master Uno.
“Well, if you don’t, then who will?” Luno asked.
“You, young Zorgoochi,” said Master Uno. “Come. It is time you learned the Whey of Life.”
PART 2
CHAPTER NINE
The Whey of Life
The monks silently climbed the foothills as Luno followed them, his head spinning from having just learned that the supposed fairy tales his father had told him his entire childhood were actually real. The most vicious alien in the universe owned the biggest pizza chain in the galaxy and it would be up to Luno to defeat him. Sure, this would save Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza, but Luno had no idea if or how he would even do this.
Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza : Delivery of Doom (9781250008459) Page 5