by Hugh Macnab
heel of his hand.
‘Order of course,’ replied the door. ‘He’s been moved into the new department that was created. The Department of Null-Order.’
‘You mean Law and Order, don’t you?’ asked Shylock.
‘No. Law was promoted out of the department and…’
‘Don’t tell me,’ cut in Shylock. ‘…wasn’t replaced!’
‘Very good,’ replied the door, creakingly. ‘Your getting the hang of this, very well!’
Shylock wasn’t sure, but he thought he heard the door gave a small cynical snicker. He ignored it.
‘So,’ the door continued, ‘Order was the arresting officer. Perhaps you might find him more helpful if you need to know more? After all, Time and Motion aren’t around, so Order is your best chance – at least he’s still here. In fact you’ll find him three-quarters of infinity further down the corridor – to the left as you leave.’
‘What about ‘Permission,’ Shylock enquired.
‘Ah, yes! Your planning approval, I almost forgot,’ said the door. ‘Your lucky day really, she was also relocated to the department of Null-Order.
Shame really, she was the best we’d ever had in that position. Apparently, her mother had drummed into her…just say NO! so many times when she was young and growing up – it became second nature to her. Ideal for someone reviewing planning requests in a time of budget shortfalls. Rejection after rejection - she was good, really good. The best we’d ever had.’
Now on overload, Shylock backed through the open doorway and into the hallway, managing still to thank the door and once again accept it’s apology for the mysterious absence of his planning record. With a farewell, he turned left as instructed and thought of the department of Null-Order. Perhaps he could track down Permission, and see if he could persuade her to say yes.
Death & Destruction
The sign on the door said Registrar of Births & Deaths – not the department of Null-Order as Shylock had thought-off. Not quite sure what had gone wrong with his thought-travel this time, he noticed an inter-departmental memo taped to the middle of yet another murky glass panel, and was curious. Stepping forward to take a closer look he found it was entitled – organisation announcement. He read the following.
This memorandum should be read in association with all of the other memoranda entitled – organisation announcement (if anyone can find them all) with reference to the introduction of a new department – the department of Null-Order.
The Creators office herewith proclaim, after due consideration and the full participation of all effected employees, the following people have volunteered (without a pay increase – in fact, without any pay at all!) to join the exciting and challenging new department of Null-Order, chartered to make sure that everyone does nothing at all thereby keeping spend throughout everywhere/when to an absolute minimum. (The goal is less-than-zero – yes, tough, but just think of it as a stretch-goal!).
Death, Order and Permission, while retaining all current responsibilities (plus all sorts of additional responsibilities we’ll pile on – cheaper than a pay rise, and good for the ego!), will now report directly to the new up-and-coming, ego-driven and fun-to-work-for, Director of the Department of Null-Order – Constancy. (More responsibility, more people, more control – it’s amazing that people actually still fall for this one!)
Life (also known as Birth), has accepted (with a great deal of enthusiasm, let it be said – by us anyway, and at the end of the day after all, that’s what matters isn’t it?) the post of Destruction (full re-skilling will be made available at some later stage, thereby saving money for a while, probably forever because we never get back to these promises, and in this case, that’s just a fact of Life).
We would like to take this opportunity to thank the previous incumbent for her many years (too many to be honest - much better to keep turning employees over – it helps the employee develop and grow…yes, it destabilises the organisation a little, not to mention the savings – we never do. It’s a little insensitive and therefore inappropriate to do so!) of dedication, and wish Eve well on her early retirement (and we really mean redundancy, with a grossly unaffordable settlement which fortunately will be issued as a credit note).
There will be a farewell party with Eve-of-Destruction (self-funded) – date to be announced if ever we have Time. (But, that’s another memorandum…however, now it’s been mentioned – and it’s more interesting than this original announcement anyway, - if anyone would like to apply for the current Time vacancy - there will be a comprehensive series of written tests, a complete psychological examination (with particular emphasis on childish behaviours which as you know are a prerequisite kill these days for any significant position), and for successful candidates who reach this far, there will be several stringent interviews. Incidentally, it should be noted that so far we haven’t had one single candidate for this exciting, demanding and superbly rewarded position – well, reasonably well rewarded…okay, so it will have to be an unpaid voluntary assignment, only temporarily of course. Given that this is the case, we are prepared to accept absolutely anyone, but will provide much pomp and ceremony at the time of appointment – also good for the ego, making the job most suitable for a man – as is the case in most senior positions.)
I know that I can rely on everyone’s support in making these new appointments successful, and by the way, please do keep your interesting and ever so thoughtful ideas flowing in through our suggestion box system. Rest assured that we give all of your ideas extensive consideration, and implement every one - with which we agree, that is.
Signed
Creator in Chief
Shylock leaned forward, a little bemused, straining to interpret the scrawled signature at the foot of the page, when the door unexpectedly flew open (inwards fortunately), and a black-cloaked figure suddenly stood before him. ‘Hello, goodbye, up or down?’ she asked.
‘I beg your pardon?’ replied Shylock, taken aback by the stranger’s eyes. At first, they had been icy blue, but even before he could respond they changed as many times – green cat-like slits, iris-free flame-red, then multi-coloured spinning cartwheels.
Apparently sensing his confusion and discomfort, the woman stabilised her eyes as infinitely deep black voids with twinkling silver stars – still disconcerting, but infinitely preferable to the previous melee.
‘I said, in or out, backwards or forwards?’ the stranger insisted.
‘No you didn’t,’ rebuked Shylock, blinking involuntarily as a glimmer of bright fluorescent light momentarily flashed from a gap in the front of the stranger’s cape.
‘Yes I did…no…you’re right I didn’t, or there again…’
‘Hold on,’ interrupted Shylock. ‘Let’s try something different…like, how about an introduction?’
‘Introduction! You mean, you don’t recognise me?’ she asked, feigning offence. ‘Why, I’m utter confusion, disruption, anarchy and riot. Simply put, I’m pure formless primordial matter – well, not always formless as you can see,’ she said, slowly sweeping her hand down her full length. ‘My friends, if I ever had any, would call me Chaos – yes, that’s what I would like to be called, if I were ever to have a friend that is.’
‘You’ve never had a friend?’ asked Shylock, incredulously.
Her eyes briefly flaring to blinding white then returned to once more mirror the galaxy and beyond. ‘Not since I joined this department,’ she explained, while indicating the sign on the door.
‘Hmm,’ Shylock considered. ‘Perhaps I could at least pretend to be your friend – at least while we converse. You know, kind of let you feel what it would be like - I don’t mean lifelong or forever friends, just temporary friends?’ he suggested. ‘After all, everyone should have at least one friend, sometime.’
At the suggestion, literally hundreds of expressions flashed alternately across the face in front of him, finally settling on a broad smile.
‘Yes! I do believe that would be a most acceptable sug
gestion. So, Chaos it is, and my only friend you may be,’ she agreed. ‘Now, dear friend, how may I be of assistance? Do you wish to enter the office of registration for Births and Deaths? And, if so, are you aware that neither are there any longer.’
‘Who aren’t there ? asked Shylock.
‘Why, Birth and Death of course. They’ve been re-assigned to the same department as myself. The most illustrious department of Null-Order,’ explained Chaos.
‘You’re from the department of Null-Order,’ Shylock exclaimed, breaking into his explanation. ‘That’s lucky. You see, I had set my travel-thought to the Department of Null-order, and appeared here instead. I don’t know what happened.’ Then, almost apologetically he added. ‘I remembered the capitals and the hyphen…’
‘Oh, that’s an easy one. I’ll bet you were moving when you had your travel-thought?’ Shylock nodded his agreement, and Chaos continued. ‘Well, either you have to know how to modify your starting speed in the equation of travel-thought motion, or else just make sure that your initial speed is zero. Much easier, that’s how I do it myself. I never liked mathematics anyway, but now that time always equals zero - whether in your initial speed or your final speed, it’s become much harder to figure things out, and I just can’t be bothered going to the University to learn how to do it.’
‘University?’ repeated