by Hugh Macnab
Inter-Dimensional Exchange & Mart! This is Bb’s?’ he asked, astonished.
‘Yes,’ replied the Princess. ‘I believe if you look at the small print – which is most of the magazine – he’s also the publisher, printer, retail distributors….and he writes most of the content’
Shylock looked at a few of the articles for sale and sure enough, Bb’s name was underneath.
‘The winning lottery number is printed at the bottom of the front page, if you look,’ said the Devil. ‘That’s really why we have the paper delivered. Which is another thing!’ he added, turning to his wife.
‘What’s that Darling?’ asked the Princess.
‘Can you remind the delivery boy to put the paper in your mailbox. He forgot again with the last one and it was burnt to a crisp before I could read it!’ the Devil complained.
‘You follow the lottery?’ exclaimed Permission, still back a couple of sentences.
‘Of course we do!’ said the Devil. ‘You don’t think I want to do this for the rest of my life do you?’
‘He would love to slip of to some little super-nova somewhere, and settle down. Sip Chilli-Marguerites and feast on piquant curries – Vindaloo’s his favourite,’ explained the Princess.
‘Well,’ interrupted the Elements, inviting the Devil to re-seat himself. ‘Perhaps now you can enjoy the short term a little better.’
The Devil sat down. Nothing happened.
‘I’ve made a few minor alterations,’ explained the Elements. ‘To control the chair, you only need to think of how you would like your comfort.’
‘I just think about it?’ asked the Devil.
‘Right! Give it a try,’ said the Elements, standing back.
At first the chair disappeared into a scorching ball of fire consuming the Devil entirely, then slowly the ferocity of the flame diminished until he once again became visible, smouldering and tanned. ‘Excellent, truly wonderful!’ he said, smiling. ‘How can I ever repay you?’
‘Well, perhaps, to start with you would consider forgiving Bb?’ suggested the Elements, concerned about the future of his card-games and the lottery, not to mention additional work that he expected Bb to deliver.
‘Oh, that was all just tough-talk,’ said the Princess. ‘We couldn’t harm him anyway. We need him too much. In fact, I’m already waiting for delivery of my ice-cream maker.’
‘So, Bb can deliver to Purgatory?’ asked the Elements?
‘Oh, yes.’ Replied the Princess. ‘Bb delivers anywhere, although the further you are from his store, the higher the delivery charges. He works on exponential-miles, which we’ve always thought a little harsh - still, he has to make a profit, we all understand that.’
‘Well, then,’ said the Prince of Darkness, looking altogether a much happier little Devil. ‘What about you? How did you get here?’
The three companions once again looked at each other, silently nominating Shylock. ‘Well, once upon a time…’ he began.
‘Oh, I’m going to enjoy this,’ said the Princess.
The deal is struck
By the time Shylock had finished his tale, Permission was curled up asleep on the couch beside him, her head resting on his lap. Satan had offered to have a Spectre show the Elements around the Nether-World, then promptly dozed-off himself. So, it was only the Princess who remained attentive till the last. ‘You certainly have a lot of problems young Shylock,’ she stated. ‘If I’ve followed your tale. Let me see. Firstly, you’re stuck in here, when you should be in Wilderment. From there, you have to find a doorway to Earth and recover an enormous sum of back taxes, re-balance the budget in Wilderment, rescue Dilemma from an insoluble problem, convince Time to come out of retirement, and when that’s all done - pay Bb whatever he wants!’
‘Don’t forget the carton of milk!’ added Shylock, grinning at the ridiculous enormity of his task.
‘And buy a carton of milk,’ repeated the Princess, equally amused. ‘Well, that’s some mission!’
‘Yes. When you run it all together like that, it looks pretty well impossible. I must agree. But, my final-year school-teacher once taught me to take things one-step at a time, and that’s what I’m trying to do,’ explained Shylock. ‘And, all we need from yourself is help to get back to Get Lucky in Wilderment.’
‘I see,’ said the Princess, both surprised and pleased that her former student should actually have remembered something she said. ‘Well, perhaps we can do a little better than that, but only if you do something else for us in return. You know…quid pro quo, that sort of thing.’
‘Which is?’ asked Shylock, suspecting that he wouldn’t like the answer.
‘Leave Permission with us,’ said the Princess.
‘Never, no way,’ replied Shylock, alarmed. ‘She’s coming with me.’
‘May I ask why you wish me to stay?’ asked Permission, cutting off Shylock’s objections.
‘Don’t!’ snapped Shylock, angrily. ‘Don’t even ask!’
‘Perhaps the person we are discussing has a right to ask?’ suggested the Princess.
‘No she hasn’t!’ replied Shylock. ‘Er, well, I mean she has but…but…’
‘You mean, yes I have. Don’t you?’ finished Permission, verbally emphasising her rights in the matter.
‘Well, yes…I suppose so. But…’ answered Shylock.
‘But, nothing!’ replied Permission, turning to the Princess. ‘Why me?’
The Princess looked at her sleeping husband before answering. ‘Well, it’s a delicate matter,’ she said quietly. ‘It’s about…you know who,’ she said, nodding towards the slumbering heap, who had began to snore less than unobtrusively. ‘You see, I’ve had a few complaints.’
‘Complaints?’ queried Permission. ‘From whom?’
‘From the condemned; the collective bad-soul-matter in Hades; my husband’s domain,’ the Princess explained. ‘They’re threatening to go on strike, and we mustn’t allow that to happen. I thought that perhaps if you refused them permission…’
‘Why don’t you want them to go on strike?’ asked Shylock. ‘What would happen?’
‘Why, there would be no-one to stoke the inferno of course. And if it goes out - catastrophe!’ answered the Princess. ‘The flames create the heat necessary for life throughout all physical worlds and dimensions. Without it, nothing would survive.’
‘But, our Sun provides the heat where I come from,’ said Shylock, confused.
‘Yes,’ said the Princess. ‘But who do you think keeps it going?’ Why is it cooler at the centre than on the outside, and anyway, shouldn’t it show detectable signs of cooling by now? Shouldn’t it be hotter in the centre and cooler on the surface?’
‘It’s cooler on the inside?’ asked Shylock.
‘Yes, of course it is. The collective-bad-soul-matter can’t survive in all temperatures the way he can,’ the Princess replied, pointing one thumb in the direction of her husband.
‘And they supply all the heat to all the suns?’ asked Permission.
‘All the suns, nova’s, fireballs, proto-planets, quasars, red-giants…hmm, that reminds me,’ the Princess said, turning back to Shylock. ‘If while you’re fixing all these other things, you could make sure you get the ball-players back to work, that would be fantastic. The Red Giants have a really good chance to win the Inter-dimensional league this season.’
‘So,’ said Permission to Shylock, now understanding the horrendous implications of the threatened strike, and choosing to ignore the plight of the Red Giants. ‘If the Princess believes I can help here, I guess you really have to leave me after all.’
‘No I don’t’ replied Shylock, decisively. ‘The elements can go back to Wilderment, but I’m coming with you.’
‘Trust me,’ said the Devil’s wife.
With the way forward already decided, the Princess wakened her husband and without raising his concern about strikes and such things, explained instead, that she had negotiated a soul-disposition agreement with their visitors. That they
had agreed to accept their fate and go to Hell, if in return they were allowed to remain whole-spirits, and if the Elements could be returned to Wilderness unharmed.
At first, as was his wont, the Devil grumbled and accused his wife of being too soft, but eventually agreed – secretly glad that he hadn’t had to do anything difficult. Management was fine when it was easy, but the hard bits were no fun. No fun at all.
The Princess suggested that, as the Elements had come from Wilderment and been so helpful, he could be sent back with the delivery boy who would be bringing the next edition of Bb’s Exchange & Mart. Of course, riding in the basket on front of the bicycle would be a little uncomfortable, but at least it would get him home.
So with that all decided, and without any further ado, the Devil wished them a traditional Hellish eternity in Perdition and asked them to stand in the middle of a large white square etched on the floor, which they did. Then, with a last glance at the Princess – who silently formed the words ‘trust me’ with her lips - they began to slip gradually down through the smooth white doorway as if on an elevator,
Initially, it was like being back in the white light. Everything around them white but this time with no sense of motion, and they were able to see each other. Even as Shylock had these thoughts, he also noticed that at some point Permission had taken hold of his hand and he smiled.
He was still smiling when the surroundings began to alter. Cloudy, then gradually misty, eventually clearing into the brightest clear day Shylock had ever experienced. As the lift evaporated