by Fifi Flowers
“I’m a big gurl. Not a baby. I wash myself.”
She was so proud and I was so sad. I had missed out on so much.
“Yes, you are, Sugarbug, but you still need supervision in the tub for now.”
I don’t know if I will ever get over hearing Victoria call her Sugarbug. It warmed my heart every time I heard it, but especially when she used a certain tone. It said love.
Out of the tub, Cupcake insisted on drying off and putting on lotion that smelled just like cake before dressing herself and brushing her teeth with a peppermint paste. Once Victoria was satisfied with her grooming habits, it was off to bed. Climbing up into her double-bed, pink covers were pulled up over her, and a brief prayer was said where certain people were mentioned (I recognized my parents’ names and wondered about the others). Next on the agenda was story-time and to my surprise, no books were opened and read. No, it was all up to Victoria’s imagination, I gathered, as I had never heard the story she told. It had me a bit nervous—I wasn’t sure how good my storytelling skills were (another note-to-self, get creative). By the time the tale was coming to a close, our tiny girl was yawning and rubbing her eyes. I had the last step down pat; the hug, the kiss and the “good-night.” With the overhead crystal chandelier turned off and a fairy nightlight switched on, we stepped out of the room, leaving the door ajar.
Alone for the evening, I was more nervous than the night before—I didn’t think after being floored by seeing Victoria, I just reacted and took charge. Being with her a day later felt completely different, I thought, as we walked side by side down the stairs to the family room. For the most part it was like we’d never been apart, but then there was a bit of an uneasy feeling and if I wasn’t mistaken she was in tune to it too.
“Wine?” she blurted out before reaching the couch.
“Sure,” I answered nonchalantly.
“You don’t sound thrilled. I’m sorry I don’t have any beer. I do have hot cocoa, marshmallows and Kahlua.” Not giving me time to respond, she quickly moved away from me and surprisingly enough, that made me feel a bit more relaxed. “We can have spiked chocolate with roasted jumbo marshmallows.”
Watching her in the kitchen, she pulled out several items from a walk-in pantry, including long metal skewers. “I’ll leave you in charge of stoking the fire. There are several logs stacked inside the front room fireplace, bring… Better yet, we can use that fireplace if we grab some cushions and blankets. Just grab the tools from here and take them with you, there aren’t any in the other room.” She was rattling off a million things, as Cupcake did when she was excited.
Doing as she said, I grabbed everything and moved to the empty living room at the front of the house. Setting a few cushions on the floor, I balled up some newspaper and placed it under the stacked logs sitting on a wrought iron rack. Striking a long match, I inserted the gas key and lit the paper. Using the fire poker to strategically move the bundled paper around beneath the wood, I was certain that Victoria had given me her own fire tending tools for my fake fireplace. Imagining the set-up sitting next to the enclosure, I shook my head.
“What’s wrong?” I turned to address her question, but instead helped her with all of the items she had piled on a large serving tray. “Thanks.”
Setting down the treats in front of the fire, we arranged our campfire area by wrapping two large sofa cushions together with blankets. Sitting down cross-legged, we proceeded to slip fluffy marshmallows onto the metal skewers enabling us to roast them over the roaring fire I had created. Victoria had everything else worked out; a thermos filled with adult hot cocoa, tons of marshmallows, chocolate, graham crackers, and two mugs.
I loved watching her beautiful face—smiling like a little kid—as she carefully pulled an extremely toasty marshmallow from her skewer. The way she plopped it into her mouth and moaned as she chewed it had me thinking of her in a completely different way. So sexy! Especially when she began to lick the extra gooeyness from her fingers. It took every bit of willpower I had to turn my attention back to my own roasting skills that apparently I had failed at as mine was no longer on the skewer, but melting on a log.
“Looks like you need help.” She giggled and held her hand out for my skewer. Reloading it, she handed it back to me and instructed my movement until I too had a perfectly darkened marshmallow which she plucked off and doctored up with chocolate and two crackers.
“Thanks, I don’t know what I would do without you,” I said after taking my first bite. My words seemed to change the playfulness between us and I heard a completely different tone in Victoria’s voice as she began to question me.
“What happened Nick? Did your buddies talk you out of meeting up with me?”
“Oh God, no! Nothing like that. I could hardly wait to see you, and probably the reason that prevented me from meeting you for lunch. And my friends, they had nothing against you. If anything, they were sick of me, they would’ve rather I went off with you so they didn’t have to hear me talking about you incessantly. The whole way riding up on the gondola, I told them that I was crazy for you, I’d found the one! That you were… are the love of my life. I almost told you I loved you that morning.”
“Me too,” she said quietly.
I wanted to capture her mouth with mine, but that would’ve been the end of any discussion. And I couldn’t delay any longer—she needed to know what had happened and why I never met up with her. That if I could go back and rewind the events of the day, it would’ve ended in a very different way. At least I hoped it would’ve, but maybe some things are destined to happen no matter what.
Reluctantly, I left the comfort of Victoria’s arm, and we headed for the top of the mountain. Reaching the summit, we made our way from the gondola, snapped into our skis, and down the ridge we went to Scotty’s, once my favorite run. Dropping in as usual, I raced down the slope ahead of Pierce and Gram, and then disaster struck as the rail of my ski caught something, causing me to lose control. Next thing I knew, I was in the air and then making contact with the hard snow as I tumbled. Unfortunately, my ski bindings didn’t release my boot and when I finally came to a stop, excruciating pain radiated throughout my body.
“Oh my God, Nick!” She reached out and stroked my arm.
“Yeah, it wasn’t pleasant.” I placed my hand over hers.
When everyone reached me, I saw total panic on their faces. They were telling me to stay still and asking me if I was okay, telling me that someone had skied off to get help. I had no intention of moving, I was sure something was broken. And though I was in pure agony, I was thankful that I could feel pain everywhere, a sign to me that I wasn’t paralyzed. By the time the ski patrol reached me, the guys said I was delirious, saying all kinds of crazy stuff. Not certain of my injuries, I was strapped to a backboard, a neck brace was placed around my neck and one of my legs that looked a bit twisted was placed in a splint. Down the hill I went in a ski patrol basket to a waiting ambulance at the main lodge that took me immediately to the airport. I was medi-vacced by helicopter to a hospital in San Francisco, Pierce lied saying he was my brother so he could ride along. Gram stayed behind to take care of our things, shipping them home, and calling my parents.
“Your parents must have been beside themselves with you hurt and so far away. I can’t even imagine if anything happened to Sugarbug.”
“Don’t even say that! I’d go out of my mind.” I pulled her up close to me and wrapped my arms around her, and continued my story.
By the time we arrived at the hospital, I had an IV-drip going with pain meds thanks to a doctor on board. I don’t remember much, but after being assessed, a knee specialist was called in to perform emergency surgery on me. As a result of my wipeout, I severely torqued my knee; tearing my anterior cruciate ligament along with my meniscus. Luckily, I didn’t have tib-fib fracture which would’ve ended my ability to ski in the future. By the time my parents, sister and Gram arrived, I was in a private room rambling about being late and needing to meet Victori
a. When they had asked if I knew where I was and said at Mammoth Mountain resort, they decided to keep me overnight for observations.
Released from the hospital on the following evening, my parents moved my sister and me to a couple of adjoining deluxe rooms at the St. Francis hotel in Union Square and that’s where we remained until after the first of the year. Pierce and Gram had flown home earlier that morning to spend the holiday with their families. We never got around to our traditional tree and present opening since I had to be seen by the surgeon one more time. The doctor refused to release me from his care until proper arrangements were made for follow-up appointments with an orthopedic surgeon and physical therapy facility back in New York.
“It wasn’t too bad for me since I was definitely not getting what I truly wanted for my Christmas present… you.”
“My Christmas wasn’t great either, if that makes you feel better.”
No, I didn’t like hearing about her being unhappy. I wished that neither of us had an unpleasant holiday. Unfortunately, we were worlds apart.
When I got back to New York, on crutches, wearing an immobilizing knee brace, and thanks to working with Justin, my physical therapist, I was able to finish my last year of law school and continue working in my father’s firm. After receiving my Juris Doctor degree, I jumped in and began to study for the bar. By a miracle, I passed the first time and then began to study for the California bar.
“I had no desire to stay in New York City when I knew you were out in the Los Angeles area. All I could think about was moving my father’s firm to the west coast. It was not an easy task, but I was determined to make it happen. Once I had passed the California bar and relocated the firm to downtown LA, I put in long hours establishing myself with new clients and old ones. My father wasn’t completely pleased about my decision as it kept him from a full retirement. My mother, on the other hand, was quite pleased—she had been against him being home full-time. Besides that, I really wasn’t thinking logically, I didn’t even know your last name, and searching first names on every social media outlet was not helpful.”
“I’m not on social media as a person but as a business name. By the way, there are a bazillion Nicks on the internet. None were you.”
“You know I resorted to going back to Mammoth every Christmas season since you told me that you went every year, either before Christmas or after—so I reserved a cabin for the two weeks.”
“Gracee almost talked me into going the following year. She even booked the cabin you had rented the year we met.”
“I can’t believe it. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t get that cabin because they told me that it had been reserved a year in advance. It was for you.”
“Yes. Gracee kept the booking until a couple weeks before. There was no way that I was taking a baby in a papoose up to the snowy mountains. Sugarbug was only three months old. Gracee ended up staying home with me and giving the cabin up to her clients. I haven’t been back.”
“This is my first year not in Mammoth. Thank God, my mother put her foot down and said ‘enough.’ If not, I’d be up there now instead of with you. I’m so thankful. I just wish that I had found you earlier. If only Gracee had gotten you up there the next year, we could’ve been a family sooner. I’m so sorry that I’ve missed out on so much time, that I wasn’t there for Cupcake and you, Sugar. I promise to make it up to both of you for the rest of my life. I did try to find you.”
Turning in my arms, facing me, Victoria cupped my face and placed chaste kisses on my cheeks and then my lips.
“Nick, you didn’t know how to find me and you didn’t know that I was pregnant. It was quite a shock to me… a happy one.”
Chapter Twelve
Victoria…
It made me feel better to hear that Nick had a good reason for not meeting me. Of course, I was not happy to hear what had happened to him. Then I was sad to know that had I agreed to bundle up Sugarbug and take her to Mammoth, we may have been reunited. But things happen for a reason, I guess. And I couldn’t dwell on the past or on wondering about what might have been. We had found each other again, it was time to move forward once I caught Nick up on what he wanted to know—what he had missed out on.
When he didn’t make an appearance for lunch, I was shocked and then I was pissed off. How could he not show up? I refused to believe that our last few days had meant nothing to him and sat at the main chalet for more than an hour before I gave in to the fact that he was not going to appear. Too upset, I skipped eating, and went to the lodge to wait for everyone to return for our journey home. And secretly, I thought, maybe I would see Nick gathering his belongings—maybe he had a good reason for not showing. The time seemed to tick by too slowly as I sat not far from the cozy spot where we had shared several hours a couple days ago, waiting out a storm that didn’t let up for two days. But again, he never showed his face in the lodge before my friends arrived and we packed into the extra tour bus we had been assigned to due to an overbooked trip.
Our ride home wasn’t as much fun as it had been on our way up when we were anticipating good times. With nothing to look forward to back in LA, I was no longer laughing when our tour guide—who was the spitting image of Robin Leach—spoke. Not even when my fellow passengers got him to say, “Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.”
Gracee was quick to question my mood. Not wanting to talk about being stood up, I played it off that I was just tired, that I hadn’t slept well. Of course that earned me several naughty comments from Gracee and the lethal tea maker, Emily. Their silly badgering was better than admitting that I had been used as a simple ski-bunny hook up and they helped to lessen the sour look on my face the rest of the way home.
Back for a few days, I spent Christmas with my parents and I was sure that I was terrible company, but they didn’t seem to notice. They had decided to retire early a few months back and were putting their new life in motion. The biggest change was selling our big family home and buying a studio loft—that was so unlike my parents who loved the great outdoors. However, they had plans to travel around the globe and experience new things and insisted that maintaining a yard was too much of a burden. So we had our last tree in familiar surroundings, enjoying each other’s company. And after a couple weeks of packing up and discarding several items, I said goodbye to my childhood bedroom forever.
“Off to New York to begin work at McDimel-Sanders advertising firm…”
“Wait!” Nick interrupted my story. “You were in Manhattan? I thought you were going to take a position with a company in Chicago.”
“The LaSalle firm went with another candidate at the last minute. Fortunately, I had a back-up option. But it didn’t last for long or I should say, I didn’t last for long.”
Two months into the job—rooming with a college friend until I found an affordable place of my own—I got really sick. I missed a whole week of work curled up on her sofa with a bucket by my head. When the nausea subsided a bit but not all the way, I made a doctor’s appointment and found out that I didn’t have a flu bug—I had a sugarbug on the way. I was a bit shocked at first, wondering how it was possible until I thought back and remembered that I had stayed at Nick’s cabin for two nights. Refusing to let me out of his sight, I had worn his clothes and used his toothbrush—I was without any personal effects, including my birth control pills. I had been so caught up in the moment, thrilled to be in his arms, all logic apparently had escaped my brain. Back home from the ski trip unpacking is when I realized that I had missed three pills and immediately took them. Guess that didn’t work!
So I had a big dilemma; did I stay in New York with no place to live and no one to help me with a child that was going to arrive in five months or did I go back home? Weighing the two choices, I decided to give up my advertising career. And to be honest, it was nothing like what I had imagined it would be, thanks to watching one too many Hollywood movies that had glamorized the advertising industry. There were no fancy offices where brainstorming went on, jus
t cubicles and dull boardrooms. There were no presentations to clients, those were left to the big execs, and often done remotely. I wasn’t on the artsy end of things either, if I had been I might have liked it better. But I was involved in research, marketing, planning and test panels—not exciting. So in the end, I gave notice and flew home to no real home; just a big open space that had no room for me, let alone a baby.
And then there was the part where I told my parents who were a bit confused since they had never heard me speak of anyone in my life. Explaining that I had met a man while on my ski trip earned me a bit of a lecture about diseases along with options that were available. For me there was no choice other than raising a child alone, hoping that one day, by a miracle, I would figure out how to find a handsome man named Nick. My parents agreed to support me and help me, but it was Gracee that turned my life around, again—offering me a place to live and a business venture, that eventually led me to Nick.
Gracee was there for me through thick and thin; going to doctor appointments, Lamaze classes, baby shopping, and even in the delivery—she cut the cord. I’m sure people thought we were a couple using a sperm donor as no men were ever present in our lives. Sugarbug and I took a bit of a break for a while, and then she was a regular on my jobs, riding in a baby carrier attached to me until she became active. Then things got a bit more tricky; scheduling around her naps and feedings, hauling a high-chair, a swing, a portable crib/playpen, and lots of toys to entertain her. Eventually, those items were not enough to keep her happy and I had to hire Nancy, a professional nanny, who by a miracle had become available when a family moved out of state, to come along on jobs.