by Shaw, O. C
Epilogue – 8 weeks later
The last eight weeks have been something of a fog, a time of pain and darkness from which I am only now trying to emerge. I am sitting in my bedsit with three letters still in their envelopes laid out in front of me. Emma popped them round earlier after Greg had dropped them in to her. I still haven’t told Greg where I live. I can’t face seeing him yet.
Emma had her new baby with her – a little girl called Rose. She finally had her on New Year’s Day when I was still staying with them. Emma insisted she wanted me with her for the labour when it started. She was in so much pain, and Phil was panicking, unable to cope with seeing his beloved Emma in pain. I was the only one who could calm her and help her focus through the contractions. So I went with the pair of them to the hospital, and it was a truly beautiful moment – at a time of darkness – that I will always treasure, to see their daughter born and hold her just minutes after her birth. Emma asked me to be her godmother, and of course I accepted, although what hope I have of guiding another soul through life when I’ve made such a mess of my own, I have no idea. Emma told me she named her Rose because she is planning to build her own special bouquet of precious people around her in her life – she now has a Lily and a Rose, she says. I worry for the baby who gets called Daffodil. Rose is, as expected, an angelic baby who already sleeps for six-hour stretches at night, which is completely unlike my own experience of early motherhood. Emma is, also as expected, a complete natural at motherhood. As I watch the love she and Phil have for their daughter as they care for her, I realise how parenthood should always be between two people who love each other and choose to have a child. It is beautiful to behold, and Rose is very blessed.
The downside was that once Rose arrived I knew I had to leave. They needed their special time together as a new family without the black cloud of despair I have become spoiling it. Before Emma was sent home from the hospital with the baby, I had found myself a bedsit not far from them and moved out.
It’s small and lonely, but it kind of matches where I feel in my life at the moment.
I have been sitting here for an hour, trying to build the courage to read the letters. I know I must. The first one is from Greg himself; I recognise his handwriting. It is past time we talked, so I finally tear open the letter, unfold the page and begin to read.
Lily,
I have given this to Emma with another couple of letters that came for you, as I don’t know where you live. I heard you are no longer with the other man – Ethan told me after he saw you last week.
Thank you for not pressing charges. You could have, I know. I hurt you, Lily, but you have to know you hurt me too.
I loved you. I always have in my own way. I know our life was hard, but I was always trying, whatever you may think. The irony is that you have left me at the very time when my work is on the up, my art is in so much demand I can barely keep up with it.
You asked me once, when we were at Annie’s gallery, when it was that my art had started to become so dark. I was surprised you had noticed. The truth is, Lily, that it got dark when you started to leave me. I could feel you pulling away from me, and I just didn’t know how to talk about it with you. I always knew you would leave me in the end, which is why I just tried to hold on tighter.
The pain I felt when you began to change I poured into my paintings, and the irony is people liked them far more than my other stuff.
On the plus side I have so much fucking pain now, the art is pouring out of me and people are lapping it up – ironic, huh?
So the other guy was married? You know what they say, Lily – what goes around comes around. I hope you’re hurting too.
Greg
I might have known Ethan would tell Greg about James. The letter was spiteful; I suppose I should have expected no less. I have an appointment with a solicitor next week, and I intend to start divorce proceedings; it’s time to move on, I have decided, and this letter only confirms things. I knew his art was going well – I see him featured everywhere at the moment. Whatever he may believe, I am actually glad for him, as I never wished to hurt him. I need to close the wave of feelings his words have opened up in me again, so I move to open the second letter.
Lily,
Please let me know where you are. Emma and Annie won’t tell me anything. I just need to know you’re okay. I am so ashamed I lied to you, but by the time I knew how important you were to me it was too late to correct. Please give me the chance to explain about my relationship with Amanda.
I love you, Lily. I always will, whatever you may think of me now.
Please forgive me
James
After I got to Emma’s, when I was at my lowest point, I couldn’t speak about James. Emma was brilliant and never asked; she just waited until I was ready to talk. Eventually I had some time to think, and I Googled James and Amanda’s names to see what came up. There were a few pictures of them together at some of Amanda’s premieres, but not too many. Mostly there were pictures of Amanda alone. I could see where they were together that James was always in the background – he didn’t seem to enjoy being in the limelight in the same way she did. I had no idea she was such a big deal, though; she was what they call an ‘A’ lister over there. I was so caught up in my own little world, and Greg had always been so dismissive of the whole celebrity culture thing, that it seemed completely alien to me.
Several times I had nearly caved and contacted James. He had called and texted relentlessly in the first few weeks, but lately it has begun to reduce. I know I should be glad, but it just hurts all the more. I stopped going to the gym too, for fear I would bump into him. I have taken up running instead, and now I run for miles and love it – who would have thought a few months ago? It helps me to clear my head when everything feels too much – that’s quite a lot of the time at the moment. His letter hurts, and I can’t deal with emotion anymore. I’ve decided to block it all off, so I screw the letter up and throw it in the bin.
I reach for the third and final letter. It looks official, and for a moment I wonder if Greg has beaten me to it and already started divorce proceedings. I open it and begin to read:
Dear Mrs Lambert:
We were very excited to receive your chapters and would be delighted if you could contact us at your earliest convenience. We are keen to see the rest of the manuscript and would like to discuss options for publishing.
We look forward to hearing from you,
Dan Simmonds
Elite Publishers
So much has happened I had completely forgotten about my book. The letter is dated from two weeks ago. I sit and stare at the letter, reading it again and again, trying to make sense of it. Eventually I pick my mobile up, fearing I may have missed my chance, and call the number on the letter.
“Hello, Dan Simmonds speaking.”
“Oh hello, my name is Lily Lambert, I just received your letter today about my story – The Flight.”
“Oh, Mrs Lambert! Thank goodness; we were worried you might have been thinking about going with someone else when you took so long to get back to us.”
“No, no, I moved recently, I only got the letter today.”
“Good, good, well, when can you come and see us?”
I make arrangements to send him the rest of my book, and then go in to meet him. He seems genuinely excited about it. After I end the call I sit there for a few moments, wondering what the unfamiliar sensation is that is running through my body. And then I smile as I realise what it is – hope.
The End
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Full Circle by O.C Shaw
(US readers, click here)
Part 2/2 of Lily’s Story
Author’s Note
I wrote ‘What goes around comes around’, my first novel, because I wanted to, just to see if I could. Unfortunately, as with many authors, writing has to slot in around paid work, and the needs of my very patient husband and children. But I got there in the end, and have loved doing it. I w
as keen to write about a slightly older heroine, because I think a lot of us more mature women are romantics at heart too. I hope you liked Lily.
I owe the fact it is published to a few people who gave me the confidence to put it out there when I didn’t know if anyone would want to read it. Particularly I want to thank Paula, Lynne, Penny, Kathryn and Sonya.
I hope you might have enjoyed it too. You can keep in touch with my progress, or get in contact via any of the following:
Twitter: @shawhopeful
Facebook page: O.C. Shaw Books
Blog: myblogformybooks.blogspot.com
My email is: [email protected]
Be happy
O.C Shaw