by Eric Vall
“Dammmmnnnn Gina,” Todd whistled. “You killed Lamashtu, the Demon Queen of Infertility?”
“It wasn’t that difficult,” the knight admitted. “I honestly don’t even know why she needed armor at all. The majority of the time, her targets were pregnant women and infants. You should have been there, the fight she tried to put up was pitiful.”
“Why are you killing Demon Queens?” I asked cautiously. “I thought you guys all had uneasy alliances with each other?”
“Times are changing, Jacob Raslton,” she explained. “Lilith realizes it. Did you know that, back when you defeated Azazel in that graveyard, it was the first time a mortal had ever defeated a Demon King in one-on-one combat?”
“So I’ve been told.” I nodded. “So what?”
“Lilith sees the potential in you,” the blonde knight continued. “She is a firm believer in ‘survival of the fittest,’ and she believes most of Lucifer’s generals aren’t fit to survive. Lamashtu … Azazel … Onoskelis … They’re all a product of the olden times, and they need to be eliminated if we are ever to have ultimate victory over the Exalted One.”
I instantly tensed up at the knight’s words. She may have been helping us at the moment, but she was still a demon of the vilest order, and just like the rest of her brethren, her ultimate goal was to bring about the end of creation. In fact, I’d heard this whole spiel once before, back in Arizona.
It sounded an awful lot like the rhetoric Uriel and Beelzebub had been spouting.
“That’s it?” I growled. “Lilith just wants us to do her dirty work for her, and then she’ll use the spoils of our victory to destroy our closest ally? Why the fuck would I ever agree to do that?”
Eligor rolled her eyes. “Oh yes, I almost forgot,” she sighed. “You think you are on the side of the Exalted One.”
“We don’t ‘think,’” Sia interjected. “We are.”
“Suit yourself,” the knight continued. “You are in His good graces now, but what happens when you get back to Earth Realm? A mortal traveling through the Realms without authorization is an unforgivable sin. He already wants to put you on trial for killing Uriel, no?”
“It’s just a trial.” I shrugged. “He was trying to raise up an army of Daeva and overthrow everyone. I know we were in the right to stop him.”
“Maybe you were,” Eligor said coyly, “but I have a feeling He won’t see it that way. Give it time, and you’ll all come around to the right side.”
“Look, Goldilocks,” Todd interjected, “I’m all for immoral fun and gray areas and all that shit, but I think we can all agree working for the literal Devil is not being the ‘right’ side.”
“Lucifer,” the blonde corrected. “I know you’ll come around eventually. His name may have been slandered for millions of years, but Lucifer had a very good reason for rebelling.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I scoffed. “He wanted ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ and all that. I’m still not going to make a literal deal with the D--er, Lucifer.”
“You’re not making a deal with Lucifer,” Eligor corrected. “You’re making one with Lilith. And it’s not like I’m asking you to lead the Army of the Damned up to the Pearly Gates. She just wants you to kill Azazel, that’s all. So far, you and your friends are the only ones who’ve proven strong enough to defeat the Father of Warfare. Once he’s out of the way, and you control the Fourth Circle, your duty is done. Lilith asks that you allow me and her followers to take refuge in your domain, but other than that small favor, we would leave you alone to do whatever the fuck you wanted.”
“Why do we even need your help in the first place?” I tried to bargain with the knight. “You said it yourself, we’ve already proven we can defeat Azazel on our own.”
“Ah, I was wondering when you’d ask that,” Eligor said in a tone that implied she’d caught us in a trap. “You’ve defeated Azazel and his minions on Earth Realm, but now you’re down in Hell, on his turf. In the Fourth Circle, Azazel and his minions will have powers ten times what they were when you fought them before. But Lilith has a bit of knowledge that will help even the odds, if you choose to accept our offer.”
I rubbed my chin thoughtfully as I pondered the offer. One one hand, I didn’t want to help the literal Devil’s army. On the other, she made it sound like we didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell of defeating Azazel without their help.
“Give us a second,” I offered as I looked at my friends. “Alright, guys, let’s huddle.”
The four of us got into a small circle and leaned in close so Eligor couldn’t hear us.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“I don’t trust her one bit,” Sia said bitterly. “Eligor and I have a long history together, one that is full of bickering, dishonesty, and backstabbing.”
“This may be true, Sister,” Ira argued, “but I see no reason for her to lie this time. What if she really does know the key to defeating our former master? If we don’t take her help, he’s going to spank us when we finally come face-to-face. And I don’t mean in the ‘rough, bite-the-pillow’ sort of way.”
“I’m with Crazy Eyes on this one,” Todd admitted. “Azazel’s never been a pushover, but he’s gonna be waaaay stronger with a homefield advantage. Anything we could possibly do to make this easier would be awesome, bro.”
“Now you’re starting to sound like Tris,” I chuckled. “I guess we should just do what I did back in college when Todd and I were trying to figure out what to spend our limited budget on.”
“Aaaaahhhh,” the imp snickered. “I haven’t played ‘Best Case, Worst Case’ in years.”
“Thankfully, we haven’t had to.” I smiled and then turned back to our friends. “Okay, so what’s the best case scenario here?”
Ira spoke first. “That Eligor is telling the truth,” she suggested. “That we really are outmatched by Azazel here in Hell, and Lilith’s knowledge is the only thing that will even the odds.”
“Okay … ” I continued. “And what’s the worst case scenario?”
“Worst case is she’s lying,” Sia grumbled. “That she’s setting us up for complete failure, or so we’ll do all of the grunt work before Lilith comes down and steals our victory.”
“That’s the worst you can come up with?” Todd chuckled. “I was thinking, like, she could secretly be working for Azazel, and she’s gonna capture us and force maggots up our asses for all of eternity. Or maybe she’s a mirage, another trick by the Fourth Circle, and Jakey’s gonna fall for her only to have his heart broken in a depressing fashion.”
The three of us looked at Todd with horror on our faces, but the imp just shrugged.
“What?” he chuckled. “My mind goes to funky places when I play this game.”
“Then you’ll remember what the next part is.” I nodded. “Does the worst case scenario outweigh the best?”
“Uh, is that even a question?” Todd shot back immediately. “Worms shoved up my asshole versus a little side quest? There is no debate here, bro.”
“As much as I don’t want to admit it,” Sia sighed, “Todd is right. If she’s telling the truth, we can’t afford to not go along with her plan.”
“I agree with Superbia,” Ira added. “As much as my submissive side would love to get her ass beaten raw by a deadly Demon King, we should let the knight help us. She is pretty fucking sexy, after all.”
“Ira!” Sia slapped her sister on the arm. “What have I told you about basing your life decisions on how attractive you find a person?” she demanded.
The Sister of Wrath grinned and locked eyes with me. “It’s worked out pretty good so far, hasn’t it?” she said coyly.
“Alright guys, I think we’ve made up our minds,” Todd tried to bring us back on track. “One, two, three, break!”
The imp clapped his hands, and the four of us turned back to Eligor. The fallen angel had her hands placed firmly on her hips, and she was giving us a look that was both sexy and authoritative at the same time.
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br /> “So?” she purred. “What’s your choice? A lifetime of luxury, or certain death?”
“Well when you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like we have a choice at all!” Todd squeaked out in annoyance. “Nobody in their right mind is gonna pick death, bro. I mean, maybe Invidia. She looks like the kinda girl who’d tattoo the lyrics to Welcome to the Black Parade on her inner thigh just because she realizes that’s the closest Gerald Way would ever come to eating her out.”
“That’s … that’s a very specific burn, Todd,” I said as I shook my head with amusement.
“Invidia has always had an infatuation with the macabre,” Sia explained. “She was never one for self-harm or strange fetishes, though. That would be this one over here.”
“Guilllttyyyyy!” Ira said proudly.
“Ohhhhh, so she’s not emo,” Todd realized aloud. “She’s just a big titty goth girlfriend type.”
“I don’t know what that is,” Sia admitted, “but it does sound like an accurate description of our last Sister.”
“Exactly,” Eligor said, trying to persuade us. “And Jacob will never get to experience this ‘big-titted goth girlfriend’ if you don’t accept Lilith’s aid.”
I held out my hands and made a “settle down” motion. “You don’t have to keep trying to persuade us,” I explained. “We’re in.”
The ever-so-subtle hint of a smile spread across Eligor’s lips, and the knight nodded with a satisfied grunt.
“Easy there, Eligor,” Sia said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. “Don’t get too emotional on us. Now that we’ve agreed to Lilith’s deal, could you please enlighten us on your Earth-shattering secret? The one that will help us defeat Azazel once and for all?”
“Of course,” the blonde knight said with a nod. “Are you familiar with the Unhallowed Sword?”
“Who isn’t?” Sia scoffed.
The room went completely silent, and the redhead looked around at us with surprise etched onto her face.
“I guess it’s just me,” she mumbled. “Eligor, would you mind explaining?”
“Sure thing, my newfound ally,” the blonde said with a slight nod. “The Unhallowed Sword is one of the many legendary weapons of Hell, perhaps even the most powerful of the bunch. It was forged out of the finest steel the universe had to offer, and the blacksmith used the lava from the Lake of Fire itself in the process. Once it was finished, it was given a rock-hard hilt made from brimstone and enchanted with silver Hellfire.”
“Silver Hellfire?” I asked somewhat excitedly. “That’s a power I haven’t mastered yet.”
“Of course not,” Eligor chuckled. “You’ve only been a part of this world for two years, Mr. Ralston. Silver Hellfire powers come from a caster’s ability to channel their pure willpower into a magical form. That takes decades to learn and centuries or even millennia to master.”
“Yeah so, about that,” Todd said with a raised finger. “What exactly does silver Hellfire do? We’ve seen it like, four times, and it’s done something different each and every time.”
“That’s because, like the black Hellfire, willpower magic adjusts itself to the user,” she explained. “Say, for example, the person casting the spell is notoriously self-centered. Then their silver Hellfire might do something like help them escape a trap or turn invisible. Now, if the person using the spell is, say, an aggressive fighter, then it will manifest itself as something more offensive. I’ve seen it take on the form of magma, molten metal, and even a corrosive spell that made opponents’ weapons and armor corrode. The possibilities are endless.”
“So what’s the gimmick of this silver spell?” I asked as I thought about what kind of things I could do with willpower magic. “What makes it so important to defeating Azazel?”
“As long as the King of the Fourth Circle possesses even one member of his original harem, he’ll be next to impossible to beat,” the knight explained. “Needless to say, you’re going to need to free Invidia before you can take him out.”
“Right,” I said with a nod. “We already knew that, though. Where does this sword come in?”
Eligor’s eyes narrowed. “You get right to the point, don’t you, Mr. Ralston? I like that about a man.”
“There’s a lot to like about me,” I flirted back. “Just ask any of my succubi.”
“I’m gonna barf,” Todd said with a gagging noise. “Jakey’s trying to turn Eligor into another notch on his ‘pump ‘n fill’ membership card. Two more, and I think he gets a free appetizer or some shit.”
“There are worse things in the world than having sex with a handsome man,” she said coyly. “But I’m not going to be one of your conquests. We all have work to do.”
“You know,” Ira mused, “I said the exact same thing when I first met Jacob. Now, I’m letting him conquer me almost every day!”
“Right,” Eligor muttered as she completely ignored Ira’s words. “The reason you need the Unhallowed Sword is because Azazel made it especially for this situation.”
“Oh?” I asked as I raised my eyebrow at the woman, who simply nodded.
“I’ve seen the cage Invidia is being kept in,” she sighed. “It was developed by Azazel to hold any significant prisoners of war he might capture during the ongoing battle with the Heavens. Particularly his arch-nemesis.”
“Awww,” Todd said in a valley girl voice. “He build a cage all for Jakey? How fucking sweet of him.”
Eligor shook her head. “Not Jacob,” she explained. “Azazel built it to hold the Archangel responsible for capturing him and chaining him up for so many years.”
“Raphael,” I confirmed.
“Speaking of Raphey boy, I wonder how he’s doing,” Todd pondered aloud. “I’ve been sending him all sorts of crank calls while we’ve been down here, but he’s not answering. Usually he at least acknowledges my jokes, even if he hates ‘em. I had some serious comedy gold in my last slew of messages. I figured asking for ‘Mel Lester’ and ‘Eta Dick’ would have gotten some sort of response from the ‘ol fuddy-duddy.”
“Uhg,” Eligor sighed and rolled her eyes. “Is the imp always this juvenile?”
“You say ‘juvenile,’ I say ‘comedic god,’” the imp shot back. “But different strokes for different folks, I guess.”
“Anyways,” the blonde knight sighed, “the prison Azazel built only has one key, the one he forged from steel and threw into the Lake of Fire.”
“The Unhallowed Sword,” Sia finished.
“It’s the only thing in this universe that can cut through the bars on that cage,” Eligor confirmed. “Azazel designed the prison to be impenetrable, but even he realized it would be unwise to build an entirely inescapable trap.”
“Then we needed the Unhallowed Sword, like, yesterday,” Ira exclaimed. “Where is it?”
“Exactly where it was forged,” the blonde knight confirmed. “It’s in the Lake of Fire.”
There was a long, deafening silence as the four of us all took in the situation at hand.
“ … And?” Todd finally asked curiously. “I’ve seen enough fantasy movies to know that there’s a catch. It’s located in the Lake of Fire, and … ”
Eligor took a deep sigh. “It’s located in the Lake of Fire, but I don’t know exactly where,” she admitted. “However, I do think I know somebody who might.”
Todd crossed his tiny arms across his chest and stared down the blonde knight. “Aaaaaannnnddd?” he asked again.
The blonde woman’s smile quickly turned into a frown. “And it may or may not be protected by a powerful guardian,” she continued. “We can’t know for sure until we have more information.”
“So, just to confirm,” Todd chuckled, “we’re headed toward the Lake of Fire, to collect a sword that will give us the ability to free Invidia, and we may or may not have to slay another massive creature to get it?”
Eligor hesitated, and then she nodded slowly.
“That’s fucking badass!” Todd exclaimed. “Maybe the Tod
dster should have come down here sooner. I totally feel like Samwise.”
“Don’t you mean Frodo?” I tried to correct the imp, but he shook his head.
“Frodo didn’t do shit, Jakey,” he explained. “Samwise was the backbone of the entire quest.”
The woman in the skimpy armor chuckled. “We will begin our journey tomorrow, my friends,” she announced. “For now, I suggest you four go and get some rest. I have a few cots and blankets in the bunker room. I’ll let you guys crash there for the night, and then tomorrow we can start the first step of our new journey.”
Chapter 5
“Bro, this is just like all the medieval fantasy novels I’ve read,” Todd explained as we made our way over to the stairs of the bunker. “Make sure you hold onto your armor, because we’re probably gonna have to slay a dragon or some shit like that.”
“After watching how it saved my ass back in the tournament, I wouldn’t dream of letting this stuff go,” I chuckled and patted the breastplate of my protective covering. “This thick piece of metal could easily be the difference between life and death on this adventure.”
“Not to mention, it makes you look like a badass warrior,” Ira purred. “It’s really hot.”
“What the hell did I look like to you before?” I asked coyly and watched the succubus’ face contort into an expression of surprise.
As Ira stumbled over her words and tried to answer, Sia looked at us smugly. “You’ve always looked badass and sexy, Jacob,” she explained, “but before, it was more of a ‘modern chic’ sort of thing. In your suit of armor, you look much more regal and classy, like the warriors of old.”
“Good save, Sia,” I chuckled. “Good save.”
We finally came to a stop underneath a section of the bunker roof that had been carved out to make a pull-down attic door. Although Eligor’s house itself looked like it was twenty feet tall, the ceilings were only a few feet larger than your typical structure. There had to be a second story.