by Eric Vall
“So they’ve been down there for hours?” I said with disbelief in my voice. “I would have figured they’d have woken me up.”
“You’re a growing boy, Jakey,” Todd giggled. “You need your sleep, especially after killing birdbrain and hooking up with two demon-ladies.”
I stretched out my arms above my head and felt a satisfying pop. Instantly, the tension that’d filled my shoulders and lower body evaporated, and I let out a long sigh of relief. Todd was right, sleeping with Ira was always an experience that called for recuperation.
As Todd and I headed down the attic ladder, I wondered what on Earth the succubi and Eligor could have been doing for all this time. Sia and the golden-haired knight weren’t exactly the best of friends, after all, and I couldn’t imagine the two of them chatting it up for hours on end while I snoozed. The second I stepped off the ladder, I smelled something familiar. It was a smokey, savory aroma, and my stomach growled loudly at the scent.
“Holy shit, is that bacon I smell?” Todd gasped.
Before I could answer, the imp leapt off the rung he was standing on and landed on the back of my head. The impact threw me off balance just a twinge, but I caught myself as Todd hung his legs down over my shoulders.
“Giddy-yup, Jakey!” he cackled. “There’s an ‘ol wagon train I gotta catch by sundown.”
“Yeehaw,” I chuckled with an eye roll, and then I walked toward the source of the aroma.
Eligor was over at the far end of the bunker, working at a camp stove. She had a cast iron skillet in one hand and a small wooden spoon in the other. There was some sort of meat in the skillet that was cut into long, thick strips, and it crackled and popped delightfully as it fried under the heat of its own grease.
Ira and Sia were both sitting at a tiny camping table, playing cards as they awaited their breakfast.
“Straight. Flush.” Ira grinned as she laid out her cards on the table.
Sia’s face contorted into a frown. “Well damn,” she sighed. “The only thing that can beat that is a Royal Flush … ”
Ira sat back in her chair, crossed her arms, and narrowed her eyes at her Sister. “Don’t you dare say it … ” she warned.
A smile drew up Superbia’s thin lips. Then she shot Ira a playful glare as she laid down her cards to reveal a hand of a ten, Jack, Queen, King, and Ace of Hearts.
Ira’s mouth fell agape as she leaned forward in her chair. “How … what … are you cheating?” she gasped. “You’ve won like, eighty percent of the hands!”
The redheaded succubus shrugged and collected her cards. “I guess I just have a really good poker face,” she explained.
“I’m a freaking politician!” Ira exclaimed. “I can lie with the best of them!”
“Now now, Ira,” Sia clicked her tongue. “Don’t feel too discouraged. I’ve been playing the political game since the Fall of Lucifer. American politics are nothing compared to the kind of things I’ve had to deal with over the years.”
“That reminds me,” Ira said, her tone now changing to one of a calm, professional person. “There was supposed to be a vote today. Representative Hoggins was planning on filibustering for hours so it would never see the floor.”
“That sounds awful,” I admitted as I approached the succubi.
“No, no,” Ira sighed. “It would have been marvelous. Watching all the other politicians grow bored and retreat deep into the depths of their own imagination, just to descend slowly into madness? I’m getting wet just thinking about it.”
“I can’t think of a better match made in heaven,” Todd snickered. “The Sister of Wrath, lover of torture and sadism … and politics.”
“I know.” Ira frowned. “And I’m missing all of it.”
“We don’t have much in the way of politics here, I’m afraid,” Eligor finally spoke up from the stove. “There’s the hierarchy that’s based on Lucifer’s Great Chain of Being, but in the end, it’s his way or the highway.”
“But you’re acting as a double agent for Lilith … ” I explained rhetorically. “That’s some next-level political thriller kind of stuff.”
“Exactly.” The blonde knight smiled. “Maybe I should rephrase that sentiment. There aren’t a lot of politics here in Hell on display for all to see. Now, backstabbing and espionage? That happens all the time, and Lucifer absolutely loves it.”
“Sooooo, exactly like Earth politics,” Todd chuckled.
“We don’t pretend to be genial.” Eligor shrugged. “The fact that we all hate each other and want to see each other suffer is completely out in the open.”
“Maybe things would be easier on Earth Realm if everyone acted that way,” Ira scoffed. “It’d certainly eliminate a lot of the pomp and circumstance that surrounds everything we do.”
“Uh … should I be worried one of our elected representatives wants Earth to be more like Hell?” I asked coyly.
“Why, Mr. Ralston,” Ira said in the most professional, sarcastic, condescending tone she could come up with, “I simply want more transparency in Washington. Isn’t that what all the American people want?”
“Well played, Ira,” I chuckled, “well played. Speaking of which, have you guys just been down here playing cards this whole time?”
“There’s not much else to do,” Sia grumbled. “Eligor wanted to make us all breakfast, but she decided she wasn’t going to need our assistance.”
The blonde knight spun around and waggled her wooden spoon at Sia. “It’s bacon and eggs!” she argued. “It doesn’t take more than one person to make bacon and eggs.”
Sia just rolled her eyes and ignored Eligor’s words. “So, since she didn’t need our help, we decided to entertain ourselves with a friendly game of cards,” she continued.
“‘Friendly’ isn’t the word I’d use,” Ira laughed.
I felt Todd shift on the back of my head, place his feet flat against my shoulders, and stand up.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls young and old,” he started in an old-timey circus voice. “Are you ready for the most amazing thing you’ll see in your lifetime?”
All three of the women just stared at the imp with curious expressions on their faces, and the imp cleared his throat awkwardly.
“Well, you’re in luck!” he continued. “Please give a round of applause for everyone’s favorite dashing, amazing, and well-endowed imp, Toddskovski the Death-Defying!”
The next thing I knew, Todd’s tiny form sprang off my shoulders. The imp tumbled through the air, opened up his body, and used his momentum to cartwheel across the floor. He finally came to a stop when he landed upright directly next to Eligor and the camping stove. The imp shook his woozy head, stumbled, and then leaned up casually against the concrete wall. Once he had settled his dizziness, he gave the knight a “‘sup” head nod.
“So, how about that grub?” he asked the knight as smoothly as he possibly could. “I’ve got a fever only grease-covered pork belly can satisfy.”
“Pork belly?” Eligor asked curiously. “Todd, there aren’t any pigs in Hell. At least, not the eating kind. Chort comes by every now and again to check in on his ‘favorite compadre,’ but he’s the closest thing to a hog I’ve seen in all my time down here.”
Todd crossed his tiny arms and rolled his eyes. “Chort,” he groaned. “What a fucking tool. Did you know he’s the reason my blog is losing readers?”
“I thought Chort was helping you?” I asked the imp. “You said the info he gave us helped get Tuesdays with the Toddster to the next level?”
“He did,” Todd growled. “And then he fucked me. He fucked me raw. That little Hornswaggle was just using me to test out his own content. Now, he’s got his own website, and it’s bleeding me dry!”
“Can’t you sue him for breach of contract?” Sia asked curiously.
Todd put his hands on his hips and gave the madame a dumbfounded look. “Contract?” he asked in shock.
“Yeesssss … ” Sia retorted. “You did have him sign a
NDA, right? Those are usually done so this exact situation doesn’t occur.”
“Why would I have Chort sign up with the NBA?” he chuckled nervously. “He’s only four foot tall. He’d be lucky to have a spot on the High School Varsity Team, but the pros? Forget it!”
“No, Todd,” I facepalmed. “An NDA. Non-disclosure agreement.”
The imp’s brain processed my words for a moment, and then his mouth fell open in shock. “I never make any of my guests or employees sign shit,” Todd explained. “That’s a total violation of basic human liberties, bro.”
“So I take that as a ‘no?’” I continued.
“Todd,” Sia warned. “How many guests have you had on your show?”
The imp tapped his fingers against his chin as he did the mental math. “Uh … maybe like, fifty?” he finally concluded. “Why?”
“Are there any other paranormal blogs popping up around the internet?” Sia continued to lead the imp on.
“Now that you mention it, there have been quite a few recently,” he admitted. “Mostly having to do with imps and the mythology of Hell and oooohhhhhhhhh. Son of a bitch!”
“That’s why a succubus always makes sure her contract is air-tight,” Sia said proudly. “That way nobody tries to take advantage of us.”
“It couldn’t have been that air-tight,” I reminded the madame. “Cupi and Liby were able to get out of it, remember?”
A coy smile spread up Sia’s lips. “That’s only because I wanted them to,” she said through her grin. “If I recall correctly, I was the one who convinced Earl not to kill you then and there. Sure, I was mainly doing it to protect the girls, but none of you would have even known about the loophole if it wasn’t for me and my intricate legal knowledge.”
“Thank the lord for that,” I chuckled. “I don’t know what I’d do if I had to send those two back.”
“You wouldn’t be here,” the redhead shot back, “that’s for sure.”
Just then, Eligor walked over with a plate full of greasy bacon and plopped it down on the table in front of us. Todd scuttled over, pulled himself onto a stool, and then picked up the morsel in his hand.
“You said this wasn’t pig … ” he said curiously as he inspected the bacon in his hand. “So what the fuck is it? Please tell me it’s not vargrat.”
“Okay, it’s not vargrat,” Eligor retorted not-so-convincingly. “Just try it. You’ll love it.”
The imp sniffed the strip of bacon once more, held it up to his mouth, and slowly slid his tongue out and touched the food to its tip. His tongue snapped back into his mouth as he took in the different flavors with the smack of his lips. Finally, Todd’s eyes grew excited, and he reached down and picked up three more pieces.
“Goldilocks, I don’t care if this is sewer rat,” he chuckled. “It’s fucking delicious!”
Todd shoved all four strips into his mouth at once, chewed loudly, and then swallowed it down his gullet. As grease dribbled down his chin, his tiny hand shot out and scooped up a few more pieces.
“Hey now!” I exclaimed and reached for my own strip. “Leave some for the rest of us.”
“I’m sorry, bro,” Todd sighed. “I can’t help it. Whatever this is, it’s addicting.”
As I moved the warm, slippery bacon toward my mouth, a few dribbles of grease ran down my hand. Like Todd, I wasn’t sure what kind of game this was, but it certainly was much fattier than Earth swine. I took a bite out of the meat, and my mouth was instantly filled with ecstacy.
My eyes nearly rolled back in my head as I savored the crispy, fatty bacon. I devoured my strip in seconds and then instantly went back for more.
The two succubi had tossed their cards to the side, and they were also indulging. Ira and Sia both made loud “mhhmmms” of pleasure as they enjoyed the tender, crispy goodness of the breakfast food, and Todd had now stuffed his entire mouth full.
Meanwhile, Eligor was being much more civil with her dining. The blonde knight had a few strips of bacon on a plate in front of her, but she was cutting them delicately with a knife and fork and then using the utensils to raise the meat to her mouth. She then produced a napkin that she used to dab her face with after each bite.
I was sure we looked like savages to the fallen angel, using our hands and digging in like starving animals. But we’d been through literal Hell in the last day, and we hadn’t really had anything to eat aside from some sad ice cream back in the First Circle.
Todd let out an eardrum-shattering belch, plopped his ass down in his chair, and patted his belly like it was a drum. Meanwhile, Sia and Ira were both leaning back with expressions of regret splattered across their faces. My own stomach felt like it had been stuffed to the gills, and I could barely move.
Finally, Ira stood up and picked up a large handful of bacon.
“Whoa there, Crazy Eyes,” Todd protested. “Leave some for the rest of us! The Toddster is surely going to want eighths at some point.”
“I am saving enough for everyone,” the Sister or Wrath protested. “I was just going to ask if Jacob could send me back to Earth Realm. I’m sure our other Sisters are starving.”
“I thought you all packed plenty of snacks?” I somehow managed to squeak out in my cathartic state. “Cupi made sure there were plenty of chips and granola bars and bottles of water in the Jeep.”
“There were,” Superbia sighed. “That was before Tris decided to ‘light one up’ while we were waiting to be summoned. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman of her size go through six whole bags of chips by herself!”
Todd’s expression instantly changed into one of shock as he leapt up onto the stool. “She got into my Verde Loco?” he gasped. “That was supposed to be our celebratory joint when we all got back!”
“I don’t know what strain it was,” Sia admitted. “But it made her do some strange things … ”
“Hence why it’s literally called ‘Green Crazy,’” Todd explained with a sign. “It’s like you guys don’t even speak French.”
We all looked at the imp for a second, processing his words.
“Spanish,” I corrected. “Verde Loco is Spanish.”
“Pfffft,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “That’s not right. Or, as they say in Spanish, ‘keine sorge, mein freund.’”
“That’s … that’s German,” I laughed.
“Then what’s ‘Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?’” Todd pondered curiously.
“That would be French,” I sighed. “Also a song from the early two-thousands.”
“I always wondered why they were speaking German in that movie … ” Todd reiterated, completely clueless. “It takes place in France, for crying out loud!”
“So … what do you think ‘carpe diem’ is?” Ira asked coyly, her arms still full of bacon.
Todd looked at the succubus as if she had just asked the dumbest question in the world. “It’s Latin,” he retorted. “Duh. I’m not an idiot.”
I couldn’t help but bury my head in my palm and sigh deeply. We could have continued this little Laurel and Hardy routine for hours, but there was still a lot of shit to get done.
“Who do you think should take Ira’s place?” I interrupted Todd’s shtick.
“I suppose it all depends on where we’re going next.” Sia shrugged and then turned to Eligor. “What’s the next step in your master plan, Eligor?”
The blonde knight took one last bite of her bacon, dabbed the grease off her chin, and then sat up straight. “I know the Unhallowed Sword is located somewhere in the Lake of Fire, but that’s a body of flames that spans for miles and miles,” she explained. “If we want to be as efficient as possible, we need an exact location. Luckily, I know somebody who can help.”
“Oh joy,” I joked. “Another ominous message.”
“I’m talking about Berith, the Chief Secretary of Hell,” the knight explained.
“How’s that for a resume builder?” Todd snickered and elbowed my ribs. “Oh yeah, I have plenty of experience wor
king in an office role. I hated my boss though. I thought he was the devil.”
“Noooooooo,” we all groaned at the Dad joke.
“Thankfully, we’re in luck,” Eligor continued, completely unphased. “There is a festival in the Fourth Circle today, just beyond those mountains at the other side of the valley. Berith is one of the few demons who makes it a point to be there every single year, mainly because he never gets tired of telling the story of the Fall and his role in everything his master has done.”
“So we’re going headfirst into a festival that is going to be infested with demons from all over Hell?” I asked with a gulp.
Ira, Todd, Sia, and I all looked at each other.
“Cupi,” we said in unison.
The Sister of Greed was our best fighter, and she was going to be needed just in case any scuffle broke out.
“I would recommend bringing forth Gula or Libidine, as well,” Sia suggested. “There are going to be throngs of people, and she is excellent a crowd control. At the same time, Gula’s attacks are the strongest, and I’ve seen how her and Cupiditas work together as a team.”
“We’ll see when we get there,” I promised the madame. “But for now, let’s get everybody fed.”
I touched the tattoo of the whip on my arm, and a bright white light shot out and engulfed Ira. The Sister of Wrath’s figure disappeared inside of the spell, and she vanished before our very eyes.
“I’ll never get tired of that,” Todd admitted. “Totally looks like you’re banishing mofos to the Shadow Realm each time.”
“I mean, I am calling them into Hell,” I reminded the imp. “Is it really that different?”
I pressed down on the angel wings on my shoulder, and the blinding light returned once more. This time, the figure in its warm glow appeared to be much thinner, with short blonde locks.
It was Cupi.
The Sister of Greed looked around, and her expression grew curious as she took in her surroundings.
“Hey guys,” she said with a grin. “You’re really, really gonna have to catch me up on what I missed while I was gone. Tris said something about a knight and a tournament?”
“All in due time, Cupi,” I said with a nod. “Right now, we’ve got a festival to crash.”