I was starting to see how right Alicia was. Was the steady paycheck really worth this?
Nine
My situation still hadn’t resolved itself by Christmas Eve. In one life, I was getting more and more frantic about getting at least some results for my client, spending a great deal of time with Jason, and missing my singing career. In the other, I worried about being able to pay my bills, even as I enjoyed spending time with Dan and felt like I was accomplishing something in helping the center. I knew which life I preferred to keep, but I didn’t know how to make the double life stop.
Dan and I, along with some of the kids, put the finishing touches on the open house at the center. We had decorations and refreshments. Now we just needed guests. I checked my watch. “Okay, it’s almost time.”
“Let’s hope someone shows up,” Dan said morosely, but he said it with a smile. I smiled in response to what had become an inside joke between us, but the sound of someone clearing their throat kept me from following up on his joke. I turned to see a middle-aged couple standing in the doorway.
“Hi, we’ve come for the open house,” the woman said.
Showing more charm than he usually had for strangers, Dan said, “Welcome, come in.”
More guests arrived and mingled with the kids. There seemed to be some good conversations happening, with adults asking the kids questions and listening to their answers. The donation bin was filling with gifts. Most of the local television stations and a couple of news networks had sent camera crews. I was starting to believe that this might be a success, though I was worried about the intensity of the snow I saw outside the window. What had started as a gentle snowfall was getting heavier. But I didn’t have much time to worry about it because there were guests and news crews to manage. Eventually, though, it was heavy enough to be alarming. When Dan finished an interview, I approached him.
“The weather’s getting worse, so I’d better leave if I’m going to make it to my parents’ house for Christmas.”
He looked toward the window and blinked, as though just then noticing the snow. “Good idea. You wouldn’t want to spend Christmas trapped on a train.”
“Trapped on a train buried by snowbanks, eating those stale sandwiches from the train’s snack car for Christmas dinner,” I said.
“I wasn’t being Eeyore. You’d really better go.” We went to his office to get the suitcase I’d left there. He helped me with my coat and walked me to the front door. “Have a safe trip. Call me to let me know you made it.”
I stood on tiptoes to kiss him good-bye. “Have a merry Christmas. I hope the dinner tomorrow goes well.”
“We have the things we need, thanks to you. I just wish you could be here to see it. But you need to be with your family.” There was a wistfulness in his tone that gave me a pang. I knew how fortunate I was to have a family to go home to.
“I’ll call you to let you know I’m okay, and to see how the dinner goes,” I promised. I headed out into the snow, which seemed to be getting heavier. Getting a cab to the train station was a challenge because there weren’t many cars out, and the snow was even worse by the time I got to the station. I was in line at a ticket vending machine when I began having second thoughts. Although I’d joked with Dan about spending Christmas on a train, it was starting to look like an actual possibility. I checked the weather forecast on my phone and saw that it wasn’t likely to let up. Some roads were already closing. I made a decision and called my mother.
“Hi, Mom,” I said when she answered. “How’s the weather there?”
“It’s snowing pretty hard.”
“Well, it’s getting really bad here. I’m starting to think it might be a good idea for me to just stay put. I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas trapped on a train stuck somewhere on the tracks. At least here I’ll be warm and safe.”
“That may be wise. I hate for you to spend Christmas alone, though.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ve got plenty of friends around.”
“Maybe you can come after Christmas.”
“Yeah, I’ll do that.” And maybe I could bring Dan then. Were we serious enough to introduce him to my family?
I headed out of the station, hoping I could still find a cab. After several fruitless minutes trying to flag down a cab, I gave up and took the subway, which meant trudging several blocks in the snow. I looked like the Abominable Snowman when I staggered into the center, snow covering my head and shoulders. The open house was over, and Dan was cleaning up. “I was thinking, you were right,” I said when I walked into the common room. “It would be awful to spend Christmas trapped on a train. Better safe than sorry, right? Do you mind if I join you for Christmas Eve?”
He tilted his head to the side, as though pondering it. “Well, I think we’ve got enough food for one more.” But he was smiling as I ran into his arms.
“I may not be the only one stuck in the city,” I said after we’d kissed. “Do you think we could invite some people over?”
He looked a little alarmed. “How many people?”
“Just a few friends—the rest of the group, someone I know from work. It’ll be a party.”
“Well, we do have plenty of refreshments left over from the open house. Of course, it will depend on people being able to get here in this weather.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
Later that evening, we had a fairly epic Christmas Eve party happening. The other members of the singing group had joined us, as had Janet the receptionist and her son. Our group provided impromptu music, and Dwayne joined us on his trumpet. I had a feeling he’d be sitting in with us more often. We encouraged the other residents of the house to join us for a singalong of Christmas carols. It was a far cry from what Tilly had proposed when she first set out to create a Christmas project for the center, but I had a feeling this was closer to what the kids would have wanted. There was more than one way to be a part of a family, and it wasn’t always the Norman Rockwell image.
When the party had wound down, Dan draped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. We stood by the window, watching the snow fall. I didn’t want this day to end, because it would mean leaving this life. I didn’t know how much longer I could survive bouncing back and forth between lives before it drove me mad. What did I have to do to stay where I wanted to be? I’d made my choice, I was sure of it. I should stop being torn. If I was just dreaming, the dreams should have stopped. If it really was some kind of magic, how did I stop it?
“You seem thoughtful,” Dan said. “Missing home?”
“Just thinking.”
“What about?”
“About how you never can figure life out. The things you think are bad turn out to be good. For instance, I thought the day I met you was a nightmare—literally.”
“I know I was a little grumpy, but was I that bad?”
“Well . . .” He nudged me playfully, and I smiled before continuing more seriously. “I woke up late, had to hurry to work, spilled coffee on myself, then I had a chance to get on the account team for a project that could have made my career, but I hesitated because I knew how much time it would take during my busiest time of year, so I blew it and got assigned to this project.”
“Yeah, sounds like a real nightmare to me.”
“And then you didn’t even want me.”
“Hey, it wasn’t personal. I just didn’t want to be railroaded by Tilly. She hadn’t given me any warning that she’d called in a PR firm for a project she hadn’t discussed with me.”
“Well, from my perspective, I felt like you didn’t want me there. Now, though, I wouldn’t have wanted it to go any other way.”
“So if you hadn’t had a horrible day, we’d never have met. I think you’ve just validated my worldview.”
It was my turn to give him a playful nudge in the ribs. “Or I’ve proven that there’s a silver lining in every cloud. Really, though, I think it’s that the right path may not seem to be the easy one at first.”
�
�If things are going well, then that means they’re really going wrong? You really are validating my worldview.”
“That’s not what I meant. Just that sometimes, you may have to struggle to get the things that are worth having. There’s always going to be some tradeoff. Maybe if I’d had the perfect day that day, it wouldn’t have ended up this well.”
“Jobless and trapped here with me in a blizzard?”
“I can’t imagine anywhere I’d rather be.”
“Even if you can’t make it home tonight?”
I turned to look up at him and smiled. “Especially if I can’t make it home tonight.”
Ten
I woke feeling strangely cold and reached across the bed, seeking warmth, only to find emptiness. I opened my eyes to find myself in my own bed in my apartment. I curled up in a fetal position, utterly miserable. What did I have to do to stop this? I’d kissed my true love multiple times—more than kissed—and it hadn’t done any good. Did I need to find a wishing well? Wish upon a star before I went to bed? Ask Santa Claus to take away my unnecessary second life?
When I’d managed to drag myself out of bed, I headed to Carlton’s to set up for the big event. My PR career might be over in this life, too, if I didn’t pull this off, and my career was all I had in this life. On the off chance that I might be stuck here, I couldn’t afford not to do my best. I called the list of reporters who had said they might come, and felt worse with each conversation. After I finished the last call, I approached Jason.
“I’ve got one news crew confirmed, but everyone else is iffy,” I reported. “The Christmas Eve blizzard may take over the news today. They’re talking about shutting down the trains and airports pretty soon.”
He grimaced. “I guess last-minute shopping in this situation is more about bread and milk than luxury goods, but I’m not sure Michelle will see it that way.”
Trying to boost his spirits, as well as my own, I said, “The charity drive went well and got some coverage. And she said sales were up.”
“I’ll remind her. But see what you can do to get someone here. This will be her last impression of us before she makes a decision about moving forward with the account.”
“I’ll try some radio stations. Even a plug or two there might help—hurry to finish your last-minute shopping before the blizzard hits.”
“Good idea.”
I hurried off to make more calls, with only moderate success. I couldn’t help but wonder how the open house at the center was going. Or were they even having an open house? Hadley hadn’t said much about what she was doing, other than taking credit for my idea for the gift drive. Even if they did have the open house and Christmas dinner, they wouldn’t be having a party tonight with live music. Dan would be alone.
Before I could get too depressed, a news crew showed up. At least my day wouldn’t be a total failure. While they interviewed Michelle, I glanced out the glass front doors to see that the snow was falling even more heavily. At this point, me getting away and making it home was looking increasingly unlikely. Jason joined me at the window, and before he could criticize the media turnout, I said, “It’s not a major network, but it is an all-day news channel, so it should be on soon, well before the store closes, and will be repeated throughout the day. People are probably watching to keep an eye on the weather and any weather-related closures, so that’s a lot of eyeballs. I hope that’s good enough.”
“Well, you tried.” He didn’t sound like he thought that was anything to praise.
“What more did you expect?” I asked.
“I just think you’d have accomplished more if you were a little more aggressive. You never really did give your all to this account.”
That was too much. I felt my face flush with anger as I gave him my fiercest glare. “What? Do you know what I gave up for this account? I gave up my friends. I gave up my biggest dream. I’m not even at my parents’ house on Christmas Eve because of this account. Don’t try to tell me I didn’t give my all.”
“I’m not talking about your sacrifices. I’m talking about your enthusiasm to get results. If it hadn’t been for Hadley’s charity idea, we’d have been really screwed.”
“Do you know where she got that idea? I suggested it and she shot it down before she presented it to you. I guess I’d have looked a lot better if I’d devoted as much time to doing PR for myself as I did doing PR for my client.”
He was still gaping at me and I was still seething when Michelle finished her interview and came over to us while the news crew packed their gear. “Is that all you’ve got for me today? I was expecting a little more,” she said.
I couldn’t stop myself from shooting back, “I’m sorry, but I’ve never been very good at controlling the weather. I wasn’t able to stop the blizzard that people seem to think is more important than a department store event.”
Jason jumped in to soothe her ruffled feathers. “We’ve had plenty of coverage in the last couple of weeks, but the weather has become the big story of the day, I’m afraid. They’ve already closed the airports.”
“And they’re about to stop the trains, so if I’m going to get home for Christmas, I need to leave now.” I handed my clipboard to Jason. “This is me, learning to be assertive about the things that matter. I have some people to talk to—if they’re willing to even speak to me—and then I’ll probably be resigning after I get back from the holidays. See you.” I didn’t wait for their reactions as I walked out.
Maybe this was how I ended the dual lives. I had to set things back on the right track. Now that I’d essentially quit my job, maybe I could get back with the group. I could volunteer for the center and meet Dan that way. Then once both lives were essentially the same, maybe they’d merge. Maybe what I’d said to Dan in that other life was more true than I realized and I had to experience the seemingly easy life going wrong in order to really benefit from making the right choices. In the other life, the choices had more or less been made for me, but now I was actively deciding what I wanted.
Unfortunately, my dramatic exit wasn’t in time. Just as I entered the train station, I heard a voice on the public address system say, “Due to inclement weather, rail service will be suspended until further notice. There will be no more departures from this station today.” I sighed and turned around to head for home. It looked like I’d be spending a lonely Christmas Eve. I couldn’t help but compare the prospect to the time I’d spent in that other life, full of music, laughter, friends, and love.
Getting a cab was impossible, so I dragged my suitcase through the snow. I was surprised to hear music. Someone was playing the violin in this weather? But sure enough, there was a street musician—the same one I’d seen before? When he saw me, he began playing “Silent Night.”
This was where it had all started, I realized. I’d flipped a coin to decide what I wanted, but I’d never looked at it, hadn’t had any idea how I wanted it to turn out. Had that been what caused me to live both outcomes? Maybe this was where I could fix it.
“I know what I want now,” I said, unsure why I was speaking to him. Had he been the one to cast the spell on me? “I even have it—sometimes. But what do I have to do to have it all the time? I don’t need to have things both ways anymore. I’ve made my choice. I know how I want the coin toss to go.” I found a coin in my pocket and dropped it in his violin case, not flipping it, letting it fall so that it landed with the tails side up. The musician just smiled and kept playing. I didn’t know what else I could do, and the snow was getting heavier, so I headed home.
When I got inside, I peeled off my cold, damp clothes and bundled up in flannel pajamas. I heated a can of soup, settled on the sofa, and turned on the television. A few minutes later, I turned it off when it didn’t hold my interest. I picked up a book, but the words swam before my eyes, not making any sense. I finally gave up and went to bed, even though it was barely eight thirty. It was like Christmas Eves when I was a child, when I thought that going to bed earlier meant that Chris
tmas morning would come sooner. I guess that’s still what I was hoping, only this time it had nothing to do with Santa Claus. I lay in bed, trying to get to sleep, and whispering, “Come on, come on.” I don’t know when I finally drifted off to sleep after what felt like hours of trying, hours spent thinking about that other life, the one I now knew I wanted.
I woke the next morning in Dan’s room at the center. I jumped out of bed, dressed, and headed downstairs, following the scent of cooking bacon. When I found Dan in the kitchen, he was putting the finishing touches on a breakfast tray. His face fell when he saw me. “I was going to bring you breakfast in bed,” he said.
“We could always go back to bed,” I suggested with a smile.
“Normally I’d take you up on that, but we have to get over to the church and start setting up for the dinner.”
“I’ll take a raincheck on that breakfast in bed, then.”
“Don’t forget, I’m a lawyer. I’ll want that in writing.”
“You can draw up the contract later.”
Instead of breakfast in bed, we took the trays to the sofa in the front room, where we could look out on the snowy landscape. Afterward, we spent the rest of the morning setting up tables in the church hall. The kids, Reuben, and some members of my group joined us. When the place was ready for a big Christmas dinner, Tilly swooped in, trailed by her husband, who bore stacks of packages.
“Tilly, this is a surprise,” Dan said.
“Our flight got cancelled, so I thought we’d spend Christmas with you. And Natalie, I see. Now, this is dedication, working on Christmas.”
“I was worried about the weather, myself,” I said. “And I couldn’t leave Dan alone to pull this off by himself. He might take all the credit.”
“Well, it all looks marvelous. Congratulations, you two. This was everything I hoped it would be.”
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