Before the final word even rolls off Lily’s tongue, her body slides down easily onto my cock, letting me fill her completely and connecting us in this intimate way. Her hips rise up again before she falls back down on me, taking me deeper inside her, leaving no space between us in our connection. Her thrusts steadily increase, becoming smooth movements on top of me as she finds her rhythm, and I’m mesmerized by the sight of her.
The movement of every wild strand of her wet hair and bounce of her breasts and roll of her hips brings something to life inside me. The dormant beast that’s finally been awakened takes over, and within seconds I’m pulling Lily to my chest and rolling us so that she’s underneath me and I’m in control.
Except I’m not in control. My instincts are taking over. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, yet my body is moving like I’ve done this a million times before. All logic and reasoning are tossed aside as I pump myself inside Lily and take her nipple within my mouth. When she moans out my name, my pace immediately quickens. By the time she’s gasping for breath, I’m so close I don’t know if I can hold out much longer.
The moment I feel her tightening around me, there’s no holding back my release. I continue to thrust into her, and in that moment I realize that this is what true serenity feels like. There’s nothing but me and Lily together, temporarily transcending the rest of the world to a place where our pasts and our worries are left behind and nothing else matters.
“Jesus, Dante,” Lily says in exasperation as my movements slow to a complete stop. “You’ve been holding out on me and the rest of the women in this world.”
I can’t help the victorious smile on my face at Lily’s compliment. “I was lucky to have you as my first.”
“I was lucky, too,” Lily replies, still trying to catch her breath. “You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get a guy to have sex with a reporter.”
My entire body tenses. I try to replay the last few seconds in my mind just to be sure of what I heard. “What did you say?”
Lily’s hand flies to her mouth as her eyes bulge in terror. It’s all the confirmation I need to bring my new world crashing down on me.
I immediately roll away from Lily and get up to move as quickly as possible back to my clothes. The reality of what I’ve done hits me square in the chest as I remove the condom and pull on my swimming shorts.
I’ve fallen for someone who spreads news like wildfire.
I’ve given my virginity to a woman who could take everything away from me.
I’ve betrayed my family, taking advantage of their trust to follow this reckless dream that in the end will never be more than a haunting nightmare.
Instead of finding purpose, I’ve only found failure, and I’ll have the punishment of living the rest of my life with the knowledge of what it’s like to be happy and free and alive with Lily even though I can never have her.
“Dante.” Lily grasps my shoulder, demanding my attention. She’s still completely naked, and it physically hurts inside my chest to know that I’ll have this image of her in my head for the rest of my life but will never actually see her like this again. “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner, but this is exactly why I didn’t. People freak out when they find out about it.”
I can’t listen to this. I can hardly even look at her. A reporter. How the hell could this have happened?
“I just don’t understand,” I barely manage to say, my voice pained with an unavoidable tremor. “How can you be a reporter?” My throat clenches at the word. God, of all the fucking career paths she could have taken, she had to be a goddamn reporter?
“Investigative journalist. That’s technically what I am, and it’s only part-time.”
I laugh at the irony of her explanation that’s somehow meant to make me feel better. She’s not just reporting the news to the world, she’s investigating stories that otherwise would remain unexplored so she can expose them to the world.
I’m so fucked.
“I don’t know what to say.” I honestly don’t. There aren’t words for how confused and angry and disappointed I am with the world right now.
Lily’s hands find each side of my face, forcing me to look at her. “Please let me explain. Give me a chance to make this up to you.”
The Dante my parents raised is screaming at me from within, reminding me how much my family has to lose and how easily our lives could be stripped away from us. The Dante Lily brings out in me is begging me to give her a chance, to hear her side of the story and hold judgment on just how bad this situation really is.
When I see the tears forming in Lily’s eyes, my answer is clear. I need to hear her out. I’m lost and confused and feeling betrayed right now, but I owe her a chance to explain. It’s only fair given that my secrets are drastically worse than hers.
With a deep sigh, I nod my head. “I have somewhere we can talk.”
Relief instantly floods Lily’s face as she kisses me softly on the lips. “Thank you for understanding.”
I can barely manage a smile back as Lily busies herself with getting dressed. What she doesn’t realize is regardless of her explanation, I already understand too well. There is no place for a reporter in my life. There’s barely a place for a normal twenty-six-year-old lively and vibrant waitress in my life.
Ignorance truly is fucking bliss.
19
It’s not far from the waterfall to my rock bench along the creek, but it feels like miles to get there as Lily and I walk in silence through the forest. The sun is still shining brilliantly in the sky and the soundtrack of nature’s serenity plays softly in the wind blowing through the leaves and the birds chirping in the trees. It’s all so damn beautiful and peaceful around us, but it feels like nothing more than a mirage at this point. Deep down I know life isn’t that simple or serene.
Life’s a fucking pain in the ass.
As our destination appears a little further up the path, I find myself already regretting bringing Lily here. This practically sacred place for me has already been tainted enough lately, and I’m about to leave the stain of the end of my relationship with Lily here, splattered all over that damn rock.
When we’re within a few feet of the rock bench, I motion Lily toward it and extend my hand to help her up. “We can talk here.”
Her skin feels warm and inviting. God, why does she have to be so perfect yet so completely untouchable for me?
I help Lily up onto the flat surface atop the rock before hoisting myself up to sit next to her. The subtle hum of the running creek below fills the awkward silence between us. I don’t have a clue where to begin this conversation, so I wait for Lily to speak up first.
She sighs deeply next to me. “I’m an awful person.”
“No, you’re not,” I reply automatically. Nothing Lily says in this conversation will make me believe any differently. Though I clearly don’t know everything about her, I’ve seen enough to know she has a good heart.
“Derek was right,” Lily continues, staring into the creek ahead of us. “From the moment I first saw you in the tavern, I thought you were intriguing. I wondered what circumstances could have brought you into my world that day, and I wanted to learn more, but you left so suddenly I never got the chance.”
The prickling of nervousness starts tingling throughout my body. I don’t like where this explanation is going.
“When you came back those months later, I was even more intrigued. Don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely attracted to you with your looks and personality, but in the back of my mind, I was looking for a story. I’m always looking for a fucking story.”
Lily’s head falls into her hands as she takes two deep breaths. I want to reach out and comfort her. I want to make her feel better about all this, but I don’t know how to react. She’s just blown my world completely to pieces, and I don’t know where that leaves us.
She leans her head back and laughs sarcastically. “That’s the beauty of being a waitress. I overhear all sorts of things
on the job. Scandals and drama and dirty politics you’d never dare hear spoken in any other public place. It’s the perfect source of information for my monthly column.”
This catches my attention immediately as I look at her. “You write for a newspaper?”
Lily meets my gaze and nods at me. “The Bangor Daily News. When I was a young girl I dreamed of becoming a news anchor on TV, but by the time I got to high school, I realized public speaking wasn’t for me. It’s much easier to talk to the world from behind the text on a page.”
Strangely this makes me feel just the tiniest bit better. My parents know too well how quickly information can spread in television media. Newspapers are at least slower and more likely to remain contained to a region.
“Creative writing was only my minor in college,” Lily continues. “I actually majored in journalism. The rest of that story is still the same, though. I haven’t made a career out of it yet. The part-time gig was the best Derek could do for me.”
I groan internally at the mention of Derek’s name. He’s the last person in this world I want to be talking about right now. “What the hell does Derek have to do with this?”
“That’s how we know each other. He also studied journalism. We were good friends in college and both applied to the same local paper for work after graduation thinking we’d have a better shot at landing a job in the same town as our college.” A defeated laugh escapes her. “Turns out there’s not much for work in the declining newspaper industry. Derek was the lucky pick at the paper.”
“So you became a waitress instead?” I conclude.
“I had to pay the bills until something else came up, except nothing else ever came up. Derek felt bad for getting the job at the paper instead of me and begged the editor to give me anything to do. He was intrigued by some of the stories I told Derek I’d overheard at the bar, and that’s how I landed the monthly column.”
I nod my understanding while internally wishing I wasn’t hearing any of this. I’d love to be back at the waterfall right now swimming with Lily or lying with her in the sun. Instead I’m stuck on this damn rock hearing all about her past with Derek and all the reasons why Lily and I can never be together.
“What did you call yourself?” I ask, trying once again to fully wrap my head around this situation.
“A horrible person?” Lily laughs at her own response, but my expression remains firm as I shake my head. Her smile fades slightly. “An investigative journalist.”
“You wanted to find some story about me, then? That’s what Derek really meant when he asked if I was your next target.”
“It’s just as I told you. He’s jealous. He thinks every guy I show interest in is just another story because he can’t accept that I don’t want to be more than friends with him. He’s holding out hope where there is none.” She pauses and sighs. “The only truths in what he said are that yes, I do go fishing for stories in some of the people I meet, and yes, I was curious about you when I first saw you. What he doesn’t realize–and what I’m trying to help you understand–is that I learned quickly that I care too much about you to dig into your story. That day at the amusement park solidified the decision for me. It’s your tale to tell, not mine.”
Tiny sparks of hope flicker within me, and for a moment Lily’s explanation makes me believe that being with her can still work.
Then I think of my parents and what they would think of me dating an investigative journalist, and that hope comes crashing down.
Desperate for anything else to help justify me being together with Lily, I ask, “Is this why you were upset this week? I’ve been worried about you since the day Derek and his buddies were at the tavern.”
Lily eyes me uneasily. “Seeing you and Derek in the same room was like seeing my two separate worlds collide. It was a huge wakeup call. I didn’t want you to know about my part-time gig or my history with Derek because I was afraid of how that would change your opinion of me. It was only then that I realized I didn’t necessarily like who I was as a journalist, surreptitiously extracting information from people to further stories I don’t even stand behind with my real name.”
“What do you mean?”
“I write my monthly column under the penname L.A. Woods. Few people in my daily life know about the work I do on the side.”
It’s nice to know we have this in common, both putting ourselves out to the world with names that aren’t our own.
“I just have one more question,” I say with my eyes trained on our feet dangling off the rock. “Why did Derek show up at your place last night?”
“I owed him my next column for the paper,” she replies. “The last few days I spent all my free time writing it, except I couldn’t finish it. I kept imagining you being the subject of the story, and the more I wrote, the more wrong it felt. My draft was due to the editor yesterday afternoon, and when I blew the deadline off completely and turned to drinking the rest of the afternoon instead, Derek eventually came by to check on me.”
I nod my understanding, relieved to hear even more evidence that Lily and Derek are only friends and work colleagues and that he’s not some ex-boyfriend I need to worry about.
I still don’t know where this all leaves us, though.
My gaze turns to Lily just as she looks up at me. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I hope you’ll say you’ll stay with me,” she responds. I can hear the hope and pleading in her voice. “Give me a chance to prove that I want to be with you because of you and nothing else.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” I grasp Lily’s hand with mine, entwining our fingers between us. “I’ve only just found you.”
A smile brightens across Lily’s face. “And you’ve only just discovered how great we can be in bed together.”
I laugh. “About that, I have to ask… do women normally carry their own protection around with them? I thought that was a guy thing.”
Lily’s face instantly reddens. “Call it wishful thinking?” she says sheepishly. “I know that was a bit presumptuous on my part.”
I shrug. “Hey, you’re allowed to be attracted to me.” When Lily sees my smug grin, she instantly responds by jabbing my shoulder playfully. I’m grateful for the lightening of mood after the difficult conversation we just had.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, though we seem to be continuing our communication through the touch of our connected hands as I rub my thumb back and forth lightly over Lily’s soft skin and she squeezes my hand supportively.
“I’d like to be with you,” Lily says quietly, “like in a couple sort of way.”
When I look over at Lily, I see the hopefulness there, but her eyes are laced with worry. My heart is screaming at me to say yes, to test these uncharted waters and be with her to see what this relationship could be, but my mind knows better, fighting back with logic and reason and reminding me of all the justifications for why we shouldn’t be together.
“If I’ve scared you away with all this or if you need time to think, that’s okay,” Lily continues when I don’t immediately respond. “I completely understand. I don’t want you to feel–”
“No.” The word erupts from my mouth with decisiveness as I reinforce my grip on Lily’s hand. The debate is over. “I’m not going anywhere. I want to be with you. There is absolutely nothing in this world I want more.”
I can barely get the last word out when Lily’s lips are on mine and her hands are in my hair. She kisses me so fiercely that I’m afraid we’re both going to tumble right off this rock. By the time she pulls away, I’m having a hard time controlling my laughter. “I take it you’re happy about this, then.”
Lily readjusts her frazzled hair behind her ears with an innocent look on her face. “Maybe a little.” Her lips turn up into a subdued but genuine smile. “You make me feel like so much more than a waitress and wannabe journalist. I’m really grateful for that.”
“You make me feel like a normal human being,” I respond automatically,
not the son of wanted criminals hiding from the world, I wish I could add.
“I think you’re anything but normal,” Lily says defiantly as she looks me over from head to toe, “and that’s just the way I want you. There’s too much normal in the world.”
I open my mouth to speak but quickly think better of it. She’s right. I can pretend to be normal and dream of suburbs and white picket fences, but that will never be my life. We are who we are, and that’s how it’s going to be.
Leaning forward, I press my lips softly to Lily’s before letting our foreheads touch. A sigh escapes me as I savor the moment, truly letting myself relax and enjoy this time with Lily in the place that used to be my sanctuary from the world.
I wonder now if this has changed, if perhaps my source of comfort and serenity is no longer at a physical location but in an actual person instead.
I’m walking a fine line. I’m not afraid to admit that. It’s dangerous to be romantically involved with someone who could discover who I am and expose my family to the world. She could end me just as easily as she could make me the happiest I’ve ever been.
But how can I not give in to this? How can I resist being with the person who makes me feel whole?
20
Life really screwed me and my family over for a long time, but it’s been slowly making up for it lately.
I’ve never seen my parents this happy before. Having my grandparents out of prison and living nearby with no apparent threat of intervention by the media or the authorities has done a lot to change my parents’ perspective. Though they still disguise their appearance in public, they’re venturing out of their protective bubble in the woods more often, even going on an official date together complete with a movie and formal dinner. For the first time ever there is more happiness than worry in our house, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
My parents and even my grandparents were ecstatic when I told them Lily and I were officially together as a couple. As my family hugged me and congratulated me, I felt guilty for not telling them the whole truth about Lily and her gig with the newspaper, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I won’t deny that I felt like a coward keeping that from my family, but the thought of them freaking out and making me choose between my family and my girlfriend was too much. I trust Lily and her commitment to leaving my untold story alone. I don’t want to risk ruining what we have over a part of Lily’s life that could be completely harmless.
Beyond Resistance (The Ransom Series) Page 14