I shoved back the curtain and flopped onto my cot. The ticking wheezed in the straw-thin mattress so I lay still, staring straight up at the ceiling.
“Is Jig back yet?” I asked.
Link hesitated, awkward-like, his black caterpillar brows wriggling down over his eyes with the effort of thinking.
“Dan’ na,” he said, twisting his brown cap. “Thought I heard someone tag him, back ten minutes ago. Not sure if they were talking to him, though, or just about him.”
I sighed and tapped my teeth. Soon as Jig got back, he’d head straight to Kantian to tell him about my failure. Because that’s just what people did, especially if it was me they could get in trouble. And then Kantian would call me in…and the last person in the world I wanted to see was Kantian.
“Hey, Li!” someone called, rounding my curtain.
Vim. I glared at him, saying, “That was old the first time you said it, Vim.” I threw my pillow at him. “Three years ago.”
He just smirked and pitched the pillow back at me, spooking a few half-eaten feathers out of it.
“Heard Jig got back,” he said. “He was mad as a rat. Any idea why?”
The question slid out, sly, nasty the way everyone was nasty when someone else’s neck hit the block. And Vim could be nastier than most, too. That always surprised me some, since his brother Link seemed kinder than most, even if he was a bit dafty. When I’d first got to the Hole, that’s how I told them apart—Vim was the vicious one, Link the likable one. Now Vim had a good five inches on Link, though Link had muscles like a dog and Vim moved like an overgrown squirrel. They were good fighters, far as I could tell. Not much else between their ears than ballast for their feet, though.
“Nope,” I said. “I got no idea.”
Vim snorted. “What’d Kantian expect, sending you on with Jig?”
I sat up jackstraight, planting my hands on the cot. “What’d you just say? You saying I couldn’t do aught useful?”
“Well? You ain’t Coins and you sure ain’t—”
“Hey, shut it, brother,” Link said, slugging him in the arm. “Hayli’s learning. We all got to start somewhere.”
I gritted my teeth. The boys didn’t know about my magic so, far as they knew, I didn’t have any useful skills. And much as my face went red with shame at being called useless, it was nothing to the shame of being called a mage. Even on the low streets most mages just wanted to be ordinary folks, not set apart as something odd.
“Say, you weren’t here when Bobs went on the get, were you?” Link asked, perking up suddenly.
“What!” I cried. “Bobs, no! What’d he do? Did the coppers catch him?”
“Not a chance. They cornered him back round Middock Street, but right as they went to grab him, Bobs—”
A shadow fell across my bunk, and the voice scrammed from Link’s flapping mouth. I flinched as I glanced up. Not because I was afraid, but because some little part of me was ashamed. Ashamed of being excited about Bobs and the coppers. Ashamed of talking to the Meats. Ashamed of how I looked. I knew I had a look of failure on me, like grease or soot.
Because Derrin stood there, all dark and quiet and thoughtful. He didn’t look at me much. Just waited, his head canted to the side, black hat slouched low, hands in his pockets. Link and Vim exchanged glances., then they mumbled a goodbye to me and fumbled a salute at Derrin, and stumbled over each other as they got clear of my bunk.
Part of me wished I could run after them, but I couldn’t. I’d already done enough to disappoint Derrin—I couldn’t add running away from him to the growing list of my failures.
So I stood up and put my hands behind my back.
“Evening, Hayli,” he said. He paused, his dark eyes fixed on mine. “Kantian wants to see you.”
“You’re sure?” I gulped, though I knew how stupid I was to ask. Derrin was always sure.
He smiled faintly and nodded.
“Is he mad, Derrin?” I asked, and bit at my fingertip. “Please say no.”
“Not for me to say,” he said.
He backed a step and held a hand out toward me, an invitation or a summons, I couldn’t tell. I didn’t really care if Kantian got furious at me so long as Derrin didn’t. But I could never tell with him because he never looked mad, not even the second before he’d opened another man’s jaw the week before.
“Did Kantian tell you what happened?” I asked.
But Derrin just turned and walked away. I followed, trying to wrestle away my fear.
Kantian had a room all to himself—a big one, with a desk and furnace and a bright-woven rug that Derrin told me came all the way from Meritac. I’d only been inside Kantian’s chamber once in all the time I’d lived there, and just remembering it made me shudder.
Me and the Meats had got in a scrap with some dandies up topside near the palace, and with the coppers on our tails, we did the stupid thing of running straight home like a pack of rats. Almost got the whole base caught out. Kantian was furious with us. I didn’t get food for four days that time, besides what Derrin brought me. That was when Derrin started looking out for me, keeping me out of trouble. That was when he saved me.
I trailed close behind him now, hands shoved in my trouser pockets because they wanted to shake, and I would never let Derrin know that. When we got to Kantian’s room, Derrin just gave me a quiet glance and disappeared into the shadows like only he could.
I swallowed and stepped inside, blinking at the darkness. One gas lamp purred and sputtered on a wall, but it was a fickle thing and half the time the only light came from the red-glowing furnace. Kantian stood behind his desk, and I could see the steel in his eyes from clear across the room.
“Hayli,” he said, beckoning me with a finger.
Never a good sign. If he was happy to see you, he’d wave his whole hand. One finger was death.
I crept forward, but halfway through the room I stopped so fast I near tripped myself, because there in the shadows, perched in a stern, narrow chair, Clan-Master Rivano watched me.
“Come,” Kantian said, his finger a hook, reeling me in.
“Master,” I whispered.
“You’ve met Brother Rivano, haven’t you?”
My head wobbled on its own, somewhere between a yes and a no. I’d seen him before, of course. Mostly he kept to the east wing of the Hole, because he was a living target with a price on his head big as you like, but I’d only seen him once or twice. I’d never tried to avoid him, just hadn’t tried overly hard to put myself in his way. Somehow he looked younger than I’d expected, but he had a light as old as stars in his eyes.
“Three more steps, Hayli,” Kantian said. “I can’t see you in the shadows there.”
I took two long steps and stopped in a flush of firelight from the furnace, almost touching Kantian’s desk. He studied me a good long while, brows lowered, thumb rubbing the flesh on his jowls, until I got a mite fidgety. Then he turned and exchanged a glance with Rivano, and still Rivano said nothing.
“Sit down,” Kantian said.
I obeyed, swallowing hard. Kantian didn’t sit, which made me twitchy as a canary.
“Had a bit of an accident, did we?”
“How’d you hear that?” I asked. “Jig couldn’t have seen it.”
“No need to get tetchy, Hayli.” Kantian pointed at his own face. “You look more tattered than usual, and you’ve got a cut on your head.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling a bit daft.
“You care to explain what happened? Jig said you never showed up to let him in.”
I let my breath out through my teeth, too fast, making a hiss. “Told you,” I said, though I hadn’t. “It was just an accident. Lucky I got hurt or maybe I’d’ve got copped. But they just bum-rushed me out the gate.”
I winced. Maybe I shouldn’t have said bum-rushed in front of Rivano.
“No one saw you enter?”
I shook my head and Kantian arched a brow at me, like he knew I hadn’t told him everything. I bet
he never imagined it was that I’d met the Prince.
I shifted my weight. I knew I stood on the edge, but I couldn’t help saying, “But it’s not my fault Scorch div’n get the aeroplane down how he was supposed to. If—”
“Enough,” Kantian said. “Scorch will be dealt with. But his task was only part of the mission. Doesn’t excuse your failure to do your own.”
My face went prickly with cold, thinking of what might happen to Scorch. I’d only ever seen him from a distance, and he’d scared the blazes out of me, but the way Kantian said Scorch will be dealt with, I shuddered to think what he meant. I wondered if I should feel guilty for being so relieved that he wasn’t talking about me.
Rivano sat forward, flames reflecting in his dark eyes.
“This is the Moth,” he said, voice warm and low as amber.
I jumped and stared at the knot of fingers in my lap. I wanted to protest, to deny it, to run away, but it was too late. Somehow, Rivano already knew about me. Rivano.
“I got in and I can do it again,” I told Kantian, lifting my chin. “I just timed it bad this time.”
Kantian made a short noise and I fell silent, pressing my tongue between my teeth.
“You’ve had your chance.”
“My chance?” I echoed, anger prickling up my neck. “I can try again, right? I know you’re like to bedpost me, and I’m fine with that, but what about after?”
You’ll be dealt with.
He would say it. I knew he was about to say it.
“No.” Kantian leafed through some papers with an ink-stained finger. “If they’d arrested you, they would have made you talk. You’re a liability.”
I gritted my teeth. For some reason I kept hoping that Rivano would jump in and tell Kantian off, but he just sat all silent and thoughtful, chin resting on his steepled fingers.
A minute and I realized that my hands were crumpled up in my waistcoat, and I’d been holding my breath. I let it out, slow, trying not to let it shake. That “no” sank in suddenly, and I kept waiting for the building to start quaking, because it was my whole world and I could feel it collapsing around me.
“Are you ganna give me the boot?” I whispered.
“No,” Kantian said, the word trailing away on a wisp of boredom. “You’ve got a skill, Hayli. It will be useful in time. But you need to learn to control it before we can let you use it here, or for the Clan.” He gave me a hard look. “Make sense?”
“Um,” I said, because I couldn’t think of aught proper to say. “I think so?”
Kantian slammed his palm on the desk so hard that I jumped. “You will not use your ability outside these walls until Derrin says you are ready. Is that perfectly clear?”
“You’re a Moth,” Rivano said, gently. “That’s a rare and valuable gift. We’re not going to let you waste it. But Kantian is right. Clearly you need some work controlling your ability. That comes with much practice. You do practice, don’t you?”
I bit through my shame and said, “I’ve tried. But it scares me because I never know when or where I’ll come out of it. So I don’t do it much. But today I got where I wanted to gan and Shifted back right away, so…” If I were Jig, I’d toss my head and let them know how amazing I was, but I just stared at my hands and mumbled, “I’m getting better.”
“I know you didn’t intend it, but you put us all at risk today,” Rivano said after a bit. “For now Derrin will teach you his skills. You may be useful yet, while you learn to manage your Shifting powers.”
My heart wilted. What would Derrin think of me now, if I got stripped of the only usefulness I had? I was back to being a rookie, untrained, unschooled. Worthless, just like Vim said.
“Tell me,” Rivano went on. “What is your animal nature?”
I shrugged, digging my thumb against a wrinkle in my trousers. “A crow. Just…an ugly old crow.”
“Crows are intelligent birds,” Rivano said. “And inconspicuous in their way. Hm.”
He leaned forward again, the firelight shining full on his face now, glinting on the silky darkness of his hair. He didn’t wear it cropped short and slicked back like the society dandies, but tied in a low braid, just long enough to fall over his shoulder as he brooded over his knees.
He didn’t seem keen on speaking anymore, so I turned back to Kantian.
“How long do I have to stay at my bed, sir?”
“Hm, what?” Kantian studied me through a frown, then waved a creased bit of paper at me. “Not necessary. Report to Derrin. He’ll be your mentor now. No more reporting to me until he tells you. Now get out of here.”
Chapter 8 — Hayli
I slipped outside to sit on the old stone wall round the west side of the complex, where no one else liked to go. Something like a city park spread out past the wall, only it wasn’t the nice kind for picnics and courting like they had found up northside.
Trees, gnarled and naked in the cold, clustered about little caged-off flecks of land that none of us could figure out. Far as I could tell, the chicken-wire fences were only good for herding together the strange skinny pipes that stuck up from the ground. Sometimes they hissed. Sometimes they stank. I never went near them.
I watched them through the darkness, though, crouching there on the wall with my knees tucked up and my arms tying them together. Sleet and cold, cold rain scattered over me, but I just hunched my shoulders and tried to ignore it.
My head couldn’t quite get around what had happened back in the Boss’s room. Rivano knew about me. That thought got my gut all twisty with a pang like excitement or fear. I wondered if Kantian had told him. Everyone knew the Clan kept the mages all separate and special in the east wing—or at least the ones who’d proved themselves useful. Most every mage dreamed of getting invited into that inner circle.
Except me.
After losing my mum and dad, I’d only ever wanted a place to sleep that mostly kept the rain off and the cold out. I knew only as much gossip about Rivano as anyone in the Hole did, and up till tonight, I’d never really wanted to know more. He’d always just been the kind and shadowy gift-giver who doled out food and beds to the wee skitters that Kantian collected over the years.
Now I hadn’t a grobbing clue what I wanted to know, much less what I wanted to be.
“Not a nice night for stargazing, Hayli.”
I flinched so hard I almost fell straight off the wall.
“You ganna teach me to sneak about like that?” I asked, turning to face Derrin. Some bitter taste like guilt filled my mouth. “Kantian…” I started.
“I know,” he said. “I told him to let me mentor you.”
I stared at him. “Why?”
“I think you can be useful.”
I swallowed, hard. For so long, Kantian had told me I was only useful to the Hole as a mage. I didn’t have the toughness to be a Meat like Jig and Link, or the glamour to do Kite and Gem’s work. I was too old to play urchin with Bobs and Pika and Bugs, and too young and unskilled to follow Coins and Derrin. Like all the skitters, I pulled my weight on the work teams at the factories and mills, but I think Kantian expected that he could mold me into a stronger mage by keeping me out of other work. And he’d finally given me a chance to prove myself, but I’d gone and bodged it and now he’d taken even that away from me.
Maybe my magic shamed me, and maybe I didn’t want folks to know about it, but still, it was all I had. So when Derrin said I could be useful without my magic, I had no notion how I felt. Two parts hopeful, three parts proud, one part…strangely sad. I’d always thought Derrin saw me as a real person, not just a grobbing mage, but the way he said, you can be useful, it made me feel useful the way a bootjack or a hammer is useful.
“You don’t believe that,” I said, finally. “He took my magic. I’m useless now, just like the lads say.”
“You don’t have to be a mage to be useful.”
He said it so quiet, his voice so even and calm, that I only knew he was mad because I would’ve been mad if I
were him. He’d never told me straight out that he had no magery gift, but he’d never used one either. And everyone knew you didn’t ask him about it. Not if you valued your pretty face, anyway.
“Maybe true for some people,” I said. “Not me. What am I good for, Derrin? Everyone knows I can’t cook.”
Derrin flicked his head back to glance at me, and I grinned like a giddy biddy, because he had a smile on his face rare as sunshine—the kind of smile you spent your life trying to figure out how to conjure up again.
“Don’t worry, Hayli,” he said. “You’ll do fine.”
I had no idea what that meant. And he didn’t give me a chance to ask, either, because he just pushed away from the wall and strolled into the darkness, fading away quiet as a cat. A minute and I realized I’d got to shivering again, and my hands couldn’t feel the rough stone of the wall anymore. I let my breath out in a little sigh and dropped to the ground.
I’d just reached the door to the Hole when it swung open in front of me. I flinched, bird-scared, and made some kind of noise between a yelp and a squeak. Jig stood on the other side, wide-eyed with surprise.
“Sorry, Hayli,” he said. “I div’n mean to spook you.”
I grumbled, shoving him back so I could get inside. He winced and followed me down the steps. It took me the whole flight of stairs and half the length of the barracks to see how he had one of our impossibly crunchy dinner rolls in his hand, the ones that always tasted at least two months stale.
“I dan’ see you gan in for skappers,” he said, glancing away. “Thought you might want a bite to eat.”
I scowled, because it wasn’t like Jig to do something nice for no reason. But he just held it out and kept staring at the wall, so I swiped it from his hand.
“Thanks,” I said.
He nodded. I considered breaking it in half to share, but figured he’d probably already stuffed himself full. So I shrugged and dug my teeth into it, gnawing off a bitty bite.
“You ratted me out, Jig,” I said.
He lifted his head, his dark eyes wide and surprised. “That what Kantian said?”
The Madness Project (The Madness Method) Page 6