When Sh*t Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  “Quaid, please stop! I know how awful I was. I know that you were my one miracle and I wronged you, I know. But I was sick back then. I’m not anymore. I’m begging, baby. I love you so much. Please give me another chance. I’ll prove to you that I’ll be better this time. I will! Please, Quaid!” Her tears and her sullen voice almost ring true to me, but she said the only words that I know are as false as her treacherous heart.

  “You don’t love me, Olivia. You never did and you never will. You only love yourself and maybe not even that.” I try and walk away from her and leave this room once and for all, but she grabs my arm with what maybe is all the strength she has in her gaunt body.

  “Quaid, I’m your mother. I’ll always love you.”

  I close my eyes shut. I hate it when she says it even though it’s the truth that will live with me for all my days. But there is also another truth that she will also need to live with, and I’m going to make sure that she lives and breathes that shit every day.

  “No, Olivia. Taylor Stevens is my mother. You were just the woman that gave birth to me.”

  Chapter 25

  Jess

  It’s been over an hour and I haven’t been able to get hold of Quaid once. He needs to give me some answers and right bloody quick. I venture all through the crowd of primp and proper socialites and with each step I take, I feel more like an outsider. I know that this isn’t Quaid’s world, not really. My Quaid is a down to earth, compassionate, kind-hearted man. He’s true and altruistic, and I bet every nickel I have in my clutch that the people attending this soiree wouldn’t know sacrifice or any type of social consciousness that didn’t involve making them look good on the society pages. There must be a reason that he’s kept this from me. I mean I’ve been spending most of my weekends here in this posh apartment, so he couldn’t hide the fact that his grandparents were well off, but never in my mind did I think it meant he would be the heir to a conglomerate.

  That’s lie number one. Lie number two is Olivia.

  He needs to tell me what history they have. Sordid gross details and all. I’ll put my big girl panties and hear that shit, just so there are no more lies between us. I hate being taken off guard in any situation, which means dealing with Olivia from this point on, I want to make sure that I’m holding all the cards. Her presence it seems is ingrained somehow in his family which means I will need to see her stuck-up face time and time again. No way in hell am I going to be able to deal with that bitch if she can easily play on my insecurities.

  Before I know it I’m in the hall leading to the boat room. Maybe I can wait out Quaid there. Once he sees I’m no longer taking part in the maddening party downstairs, he’ll know to seek me out in the only sanctuary this house holds for me.

  Have you ever had that tingling feeling in the back of your neck that tells you to stop exactly what you’re about to do? Like a sixth sense that if you go any further, you’ll never be the same again and that your whole world is about to take a nosedive that will knock on your ass? Unfortunately, I’ve never been blessed with a functioning spidey sense. I had no tingling feeling down my spine as a warning to turn back. No bells went off in my head. Absolutely nothing. If I had, believe me when I tell you, I would not have taken one further step to that bedroom door. If I had felt anything instead of confusion and anxiety at trying to find Quaid so we could talk and hash my doubts out, then maybe I would have also felt my impending doom grow closer with each step I took. But since I didn’t have any warning, when I finally reach our room and hear Olivia cry inside, I was shocked into stillness.

  “You can say whatever you want Quaid, but I know the truth,” I hear Olivia yell out.

  “She’ll never love you the way I do. The only way I can love you. I know this upsets you. I understand you don’t want to hear it, but don’t you feel it, baby? That hole in your heart that only my love can fill? You and I will always be linked forever, Quaid. You want to turn your back on me to punish me for all the times I did that to you. I understand and I won’t hold you responsible for those feelings because I have only myself to blame. But I love you so much, Quaid. Being away from you all this time has become my personal hell, baby, and I can’t do it anymore. I need you to forgive me, all of it and let me be a part of your life again. Is there any way you can see that happening? Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

  “Olivia, please just leave me alone. You said what you wanted, now please, just go.” The defeat in Quaid’s voice is tangible enough to touch. Like a blade that will cut me through and through and leave no piece behind.

  “That isn’t a no.” And her reply is equally destructive.

  There’s a pregnant pause and I can’t hear anything else being said. If my heart wasn’t going 120 km an hour, maybe I could make out her words, but if they are still talking it’s too hushed to be heard from the door.

  So I do the dumb thing. I do the one thing I know in my heart, will probably end me. I push the door a little wider, and through the crack I see Quaid’s stoic figure holding the ever-perfect Olivia in his arms. His back is to me so it’s impossible for him to know that the scene before me has shattered me into such small pieces, pieces that would fall easily through the eye of a needle. No stitch could ever do the trick of putting the fragments of my broken heart together again. The nightmare that is unfolding right in front of my eyes cuts too deep, and I’m powerless to stop it or intervene. So I take the coward’s way out and silently close the door before me.

  As I slowly back away, I’m brought to a stop by a firm chest and two large hands on my forearms. Even though my teary eyes are blurry when I turn around, the face of a self- righteous Grant is clear as day.

  “Did you see all you needed to see, Jessica?” he asks holding onto his severe tone accompanied by the look of distaste.

  “We’re you able to eavesdrop to your heart’s content? Witness how some people never know their place first hand?” I shrug him off but he keeps holding on to me tightly. “Don’t you see? Some worlds are never meant to collide. When they do, they bring nothing but pain and heartbreak.” His eyes are distant and it’s like he isn’t speaking to me at all. As if he just had the worst news delivered to him as his own morbid epiphany.

  “Let go of me, Grant,” I scowl low enough not to draw the attention of the two villains inside the next room. Grant is a cake in the park compared to the road to hell those two have just put me on.

  “You don’t belong here, Jessica. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying this because someone ought to. His world, my world, our world isn’t for pussies and that woman in there will eat you alive if she views you as a threat. I know the type. I have three sisters back home who are identical in manipulating a man to do their bidding. You, Jessica, can come across all higher than that and act like you’re above us all, but the thing is to them, you’re nothing but an insect to scrap off their Louboutins. You don’t even register to them.”

  And here’s the kicker. Grant has just told me that I don’t belong in Quaid’s world and compared me to an insignificant bug that a woman like Olivia could annihilate just by snapping her fingers, but during his rant, he didn’t look down to me with the same arrogant cockiness that I have witnessed in every interaction we have had. He looks down at me with sincere pity, and I don’t think that it’s solely for my situation, but for the messed up life, he has grown into, too. You’d think that at this precise moment, I couldn’t be more astounded by these turn of events. The man that holds my heart in his hands had just twisted and gutted it to a pulp, while the man that has been nothing but vile and elitist is cautioning me for my well- being. Ironic much?

  “I have a town car downstairs. The driver will take you wherever you need to go. But be smart Jessica, and leave while you still have enough fight in you. Some of us don’t have the same luxury.” Grant moves to the side and leans his head against the wall looking even more defeated than I feel.

  “Why are you helping me?”

  “I’m not. D
on’t think that anything I do is selfless. At the end of the day, there is only one person I’m looking out for, and that’s me,” he scowls. I don’t know why Grant of all people is showing me any form of kindness, but since the person, I hold dearest to my heart just did the opposite, I don’t question it any further.

  “I’d like to go home now,” I whisper showing just how breakable I am. Maybe it’s foolish of me to show this amount of vulnerability to someone who has been an enemy of sorts, but Grant’s eyes show compassion instead of triumph at my unsteady request. He nods once and leads me out of this house of horrors.

  ***

  I knock on the door and immediately it opens, considerate green eyes stare back at me and two lean arms pull me in for a hug. I go willingly, too exhausted from both the drive and tonight’s events to fight Ronnie’s affection off. She continues to rub my back in smooth motions, and my already swollen eyes, tear up yet again from this action alone. I lose track of time and have no idea how much of it is spent in Ronnie’s doorway weeping into her hair. When I finally compose myself enough to put two words together, Ronnie leads me into the living room, and we sit down on the large couch that sits proudly in the center of the room facing a family portrait.

  “Thank you. If I went home tonight, my dad would have given me the third degree, and I don’t think I could have handled that, on top of everything else. I just needed a minute to get my head in order.”

  “No worries, Jess. You know the drill here. Dad’s sleeping in the city while Mom’s too doped up on Valium to wake up to less than an earthquake. Grandma sleeps like the dead, too, so they’ll only figure out you slept over tomorrow morning when they get up for breakfast and see you on the couch anyway,” Ronnie states impersonally.

  “But you sure you don’t want to talk about it? I mean you look like shit and you sounded so upset over the phone,” she asks, this time sounding more like the caring Ronnie I’m accustomed to. I just shrug, not knowing where or how to start this conversation.

  “How did Quaid mess up? Because the only thing that can bring a girl to ugly cry like this is either when her favorite boy band breaks up or their boyfriend did something majorly stupid. We both know you’re not the boy band type of girl, so what did he do?” I want to swallow down my next words, but Ronnie’s earnest face makes me confess my worries right there sitting on her living room couch.

  “I think he might still have feelings for his ex. I saw them together tonight, and it just made it abundantly clear that his chapter with her isn’t fully finished,” I croak, holding back the sob at what I’m acknowledging not only to Ronnie but also to myself.

  “You think he’s cheating on you?” Ronnie asks coldly and I almost want to throw up on the purple pillow I’m holding onto with all my might on my lap. Did my best friend just slap me? It sure felt like it with that one little question. It kind of felt like she sucker- punched me in the gut.

  “Shit Ronnie! Why the hell would you ask me that?! I don’t know! I hope not. I don’t think he is. I mean I didn’t even think he would be capable of it until you opened that trap of a mouth! Geez!” What the hell? Did even I think that Quaid could possibly cheat on me? I mean was that I why I left the party in such a mad rush, so I wouldn’t be confronted with the possibility that this was what he was, in fact, doing in his room with Olivia? I’m going to be sick.

  “Well, you did say the boy was in love with her so is it so unfathomable for me to think that he’s probably cheating on you with her? I mean, Jess it’s me you’re talking to, remember? My Dad cheats on my mom non- stop with women he doesn’t give two cents about. Can you imagine what he would do if he actually fell in love with one of them? That would be the end of their sham of a marriage for sure. Love is a fickle fucker. You can say you love a person with your dying breath and still your eyes wander to the next best thing,” Ronnie states factually. Okay, my best friend is either sleep deprived, or this conversation has touched a nerve. Ronnie has never been one to curse or be this cold. Especially when she sees that one of her friends is suffering so what the hell?

  “Ronnie, this doesn’t sound like you at all. I mean for years your folks have had their troubles and you’ve never been this jaded. Between you, me and Cass, you’re the one that bought into all that fairy tale bull, so what gives?” Ronnie rolls her eyes and takes a second before responding. It almost seems like she needs it just so she can put the next words together without them coming out in crimson flames as if a dragon was attempting speech for the first time. The grandfather clock in her hallway is the only indicator that time hasn’t in fact, frozen still.

  “I found out Decker cheated on me at a frat party he went to before Christmas break. Should have known his sudden devoted attentiveness was springing from guilt,” she exhales finally. I wait to see her break down, show signs of sadness at the ordeal, but Ronnie looks too mad and angry at her boyfriend of nearly five years betraying her in such a way to even consider melancholy as an emotion. The dragon in her is trying her best to be cool and not burn the whole place down, so I just press my lips together and wait for her to continue. Let her tell me her tale of woe at her own pace.

  “The damned idiot didn’t even wait for me to find out once we made it back to school. He told me on his own. Couldn’t live with himself if he went another day without me knowing. I was living perfectly well NOT knowing but he had to share.” Ronnie pulls her legs onto the couch, knees placed under her chin, her arms around them, holding them steady. I see her nails bite into her wrists, trying to focus on bodily pain instead of the ache of the words she’s sputtering out.

  “Oh my god, Ronnie. Why didn’t you say anything in our calls or our video chats?” I ask. I mean this is major and she’s been living with this knowledge for the past three months. It can’t have been easy for her.

  “He wanted to give me the whole detailed description of his one-nighter. Details, Jess! Can you imagine?” Ronnie spits out disgusted.

  “So what did you do?” I ask genuinely interested in how my best friend handled her dilemma. She rolls her eyes at me again like the answer should be as clear as day.

  “What do you think? I kicked his ass to the curb! No way in hell am I gonna have my momma’s life. The boy or man that I chose to be by my side is going to be just that. By my side! No one else’s. And it won’t be a part-time gig either. I want the whole nine yards. I want the whole dedicated devoted partnership. I deserve it, damn it. We deserve it! Why should we be subjected to boys that don’t know what they want and can’t keep it in their pants long enough to dedicate themselves to only one woman? Screw that! I see your parents. Even Cass’s parents have a healthier relationship than mine do and most of the time, they were living across the country from one another, yet they were both in love and loyal to each other. No one is going to tell me that shit like that isn’t possible because it is. It just isn’t possible with boys that pretend to have their shit together. Boys that pretend to love us when they don’t even know the meaning of the word. Love doesn’t stray Jess, and it is never confused. It’s a certainty.”

  Merda.

  Now why did she have to say it like that?

  I slump my head back on the couch and close my eyes. This is just too much to take in, but unfortunately, a second perspective brings clarity. Even if the beam of light it’s creating on my havoc heart is crushing it to an even uglier pulp.

  “So what you’re saying is that when you know you love someone, that’s it? There is no room for other feelings, even if you haven’t had closure on a previous relationship? You know that could be the case with Quaid? Maybe all he needs is some form of closure to move on,” I say hopefully grasping at any straw I can hold onto. Ronnie leans back also, head resting on the couch, but facing me dead on. The fierceness of a lioness painted in her demeanor and with conviction tattooed on her face.

  “What I’m saying is the word love, shouldn’t ever be used lightly. Love is singular, Jess. It is destined for One. And when a person finds their On
e, everything else is just background noise.”

  Merda.

  How can I refute that?

  “You okay if I go back up?” Ronnie asks, and it’s the first time that I hear the exhaustion in her voice. It’s well past two in the morning and my unexpected visit at this late hour drained the rest of her energy. With all that she’s shared tonight, I’m betting that Ronnie needs all she can get to keep her usual upbeat tempo since this was not what I got this evening. I nod and she leans over and kisses my temple.

  “You know where the blankets and extra pillows are in the hallway closet. Grab what you need. I’ll see you in the morning. Love you, Jess.”

  “Love you too, Veronica,” I say and give her a small smile. Before she heads to the staircase, she turns around and gives me another lioness expression.

  “We will surpass this, Jess. All of this will just be a memory in a few years. And memories can be forgotten.”

  “Even first loves?” I don’t think I will ever forget Quaid as long as I live, even if Ronnie has convinced herself otherwise regarding Decker.

  “Ask me that question in ten years, Jess. Tonight, you won’t like my answer,” she deadpans and walks away.

  I take off my Chucks and lay down on the couch, grabbing one of the throw pillows to place behind my head and forfeiting my right to grab a blanket from the linen closet. I doubt I’ll be able to get any shut-eye anyway, so no use in making myself comfortable. I stare at the ceiling and replay tonight’s events as well as Ronnie’s input.

  By my best friend’s standards, my predicament is clear as day. While what I feel for Quaid is unquestionable, his feelings towards me, even if strong, aren’t. Not if Olivia still holds a place in his heart. Which means that if I want to survive any further heartache, I need to put myself first and protect my ticker. Lord knows Quaid has it in his hands already, so I’m going to have to fight tooth and nail to get it back safe and sound. It hurts even to think about it. How can I do it? Just the thought of walking away guts me when all of me feels like Quaid is my One? Could it be because I have never been in love before or was it because I was only capable of falling in love with him? I know about unrequited love, and how it can be just as painful as losing a love once had. But how am I supposed to survive both? And yet as I sit here rummaging through my cataclysmic thoughts, I hear a small voice in my brain that I must be missing something. Some piece of the puzzle is turned upside down so I can’t see where it will fit into the picture of Quaid and me but it’s there, just waiting to be picked up and turned over. This missing link is messing with my head because I crave it. I need so badly to make sense of it all.