12 Days of Christmas: A Christmas Collection

by Laura Greenwood

  ‘Well, that was exciting,’ said Simon. ‘Shall we get some lunch?’

  ‘Yeah!’ cried Freddie. ‘Are there baked beans in London?’

  ‘I imagine so,’ said Pippa. She felt odd, deflated almost. She wasn’t that bothered about seeing the watch, but for it to disappear… Who had taken it? And how? The display case seemed completely undamaged.

  A plump woman in a royal blue coat tapped the glass, shouting ‘It was here, in the case! I saw it! And the next time I looked, it had gone!’ She blinked, hard, and fumbled for a handkerchief. A leather-jacketed man tried to push past her, and she elbowed him viciously in the ribs.

  Pippa stepped away from the people jostling to reach the case and scanned the area for an assistant. A young man in store uniform cowered behind the nearest counter, where a throng of people were firing questions at him. He actually had his hands up.

  The crackle of a short-wave radio approached, and a grizzle-haired man wearing a sharp grey suit came with it. ‘Approaching the area, over.’ He holstered the radio smoothly, and clapped his hands. ‘All right, folks! Happy for you to see the show, but please be considerate of our staff. The police will be arriving shortly.’

  The throng around the counter drifted towards the empty case. ‘We only wondered what was going on,’ said a woman with an artistically-draped scarf, in cut-glass tones.

  ‘Of course, madam,’ soothed Sharp Suit. ‘If I could tell you, I would.’

  ‘When did it happen?’ asked Pippa.

  Sharp Suit regarded her for several seconds before answering, as if sizing up how much of the truth she could handle. ‘The absence of the Santa Special watch was discovered a few minutes ago. We immediately secured the exits, then sent someone to the tannoy. Now if you’ll excuse me —’ He moved a pair of handbags from a raised platform and mounted it. ‘Everyone! You are welcome to come and look, but do give other people room. And watch your bags and purses.’

  People were flooding from other parts of the store, fighting their way genteelly to the glass case, taking full advantage of spike heels, elbows, and umbrellas.

  ‘Mummeeee,’ Freddie whimpered, pulling her sleeve. ‘Don’t like it.’

  ‘We’ll go in a second, Freddie.’ Pippa found her phone and took a picture of the empty glass case, its white satin cushion still indented with the impression of the watch. There was a lock on the side of the case, she noted, but only a standard one. Three more assistants approached bearing armfuls of red rope and metal stands, which they set up to form a passageway.

  ‘Right!’ called Sharp Suit. ‘To make sure everybody gets a chance to see, you can have two minutes at the case, then we’ll ask you to move on. When Gareth pings his bell —’ he nodded to the assistant at the counter, who smacked the bell with some relish, ‘that is your signal to go.’

  Everyone who wasn’t already holding their phone rummaged in bags and pockets, then turned their backs on the case and held their phones at arms-length.

  ‘What are they doing, Mummy?’ Freddie asked, wide-eyed.

  ‘They’re taking selfies, Freddie. Photos of themselves with the empty case.’

  ‘Why, Mummy?’

  Pippa considered how to explain social media to a three-year-old. ‘I think they’re trying to catch the moment, and prove that they were here.’

  ‘Why, Mummy?’

  ‘Let’s go for lunch.’

  Several people stared as Pippa and her family left the Accessories, Jewellery and Watches, Statement Watches, Seasonal, Limited Edition department of their own free will. Gareth’s bell pinged, and an Ohhhhhh of disappointment rose from the vicinity of the glass case. Three more assistants hurried by; one with an armful of selfie sticks, one with camping stools, and one wheeling a hostess trolley piled with soft-drink cans.

  ‘The Three Kings,’ grinned Simon.

  ‘Excuse me!’ called a young woman standing in the queue. She was checking her hair in the screen of her phone. ‘Is it — is it as good as Twitter says?’

  ‘It’s … remarkable,’ said Pippa.

  The woman’s mouth dropped open. She nodded thanks and adjusted her hair with renewed determination.

  After a cursory pat-down and a frisk with a hand scanner — ‘They’re hoovering me, Mummy!’ giggled Freddie — they were permitted to leave the store. Pippa pushed the heavy glass door and the strains of ‘Scotland the Brave’ filled the air.

  ‘Still going,’ observed Simon, taking control of Ruby’s pushchair and steering it away from the long thick snake of people waiting to enter the store.

  ‘Looks like it.’ Pippa glanced over and smiled at the piper, but he showed no sign of recognition. She studied him more closely. Hmmm. While almost identical in feature, this piper had a mole on his left cheek. ‘Hang on a minute.’ The drone seemed to be reaching a climax. She found a pound coin and, once the noise ceased, threw it into the case.

  ‘Thank you,’ said the piper, and his chiselled face showed the beginnings of a smile.

  Pippa stepped forward. ‘Excuse me for asking… Are you a different piper from the one half an hour ago?’

  His very blue eyes crinkled. ‘That would have been my brother Calum.’ He had a soft Scottish accent. Indeed, he sounded like the people in the remote village where her parents now lived.

  ‘You’re Highlanders?’

  ‘That’s right.’ He nodded at the case and Pippa saw a small heap of business cards. She took one and read:

  Ross Bros

  Pipers at Large

  Entertainment for Any Occasion

  ‘I take it you know what’s happened in the shop,’ she said.

  ‘I’ve heard something, yes. The shop kindly let us use their facilities to change over between shifts.’ He looked away as Pippa raised her eyebrows. ‘We only have one outfit between the five of us,’ he explained. His face was perhaps a shade redder than before.

  ‘So how long have you been piping outside here?’

  ‘Today, or in general?’ His eyes twinkled.

  Pippa grinned. ‘Both?’ Out of the corner of her eye she saw Simon tapping his watch.

  He finally cracked a smile. ‘Today, maybe half an hour? I was late starting because of the … commotion. As for in general, we’ve been here three days. The store hired us for the week as part of their Christmas campaign.’

  ‘Oh!’ Pippa exclaimed. It was the piper’s turn to raise his eyebrows. ‘I thought you were buskers!’

  ‘We are. The store saw a video of us and invited us down. Apparently we’re a good draw for the tourists. They follow the sound of the pipes and stay to shop. Shame we couldn’t all come, though.’

  ‘How many of you are there?’ Pippa tried to imagine what their family parties must be like.

  ‘Including cousins, eleven pipers.’ He grinned. ‘But the car only holds five.’ He put the blowpipe back in his mouth, which Pippa took as a signal that the conversation was over.

  ‘I just don’t get it.’

  Simon gestured with a plastic spoon. ‘What? How so much food can be aimed at a baby’s mouth and yet end up everywhere but?’ Ruby crowed, and an orange lump plopped onto the tray of her highchair.

  Pippa sighed. ‘I just accept that as a fact of life.’ Freddie harpooned half a fish finger and stuffed it into his mouth. ‘I meant the watch thing.’

  ‘Does it matter?’ Simon poured some more beer. ‘We’re on holiday, the shop will be insured. Don’t waste your time worrying.’

  ‘I know those things.’ Pippa chewed her lasagne. It possessed a ready-mealish quality she found strangely comforting. ‘But I don’t understand how they did it. I mean, people have been staring at that watch the whole time. It was locked in a glass case, which is intact. And then it’s gone. It isn’t as if someone could just walk up, unlock the case and get the watch out while it was unattended. It’s never unattended!’

  Simon levelled off a spoonful of baby food and aeroplaned it towards Ruby. ‘Maybe a master hypnotist came, put everyone in a trance, got t
he keys, got the watch, then clicked his fingers as he left the area. Everyone comes round, and the watch is gone.’

  ‘Oh give over.’

  ‘All right.’ He scraped the spoon round the jar. ‘The thief actually stole the watch in the night and replaced it with a copy made of a super-fine secret substance. Someone somewhere presses a button, and the watch disintegrates into a fine dust invisible to the naked eye.’

  ‘I preferred the first one.’ Pippa gulped down a large forkful of lasagne. ‘Here, I’ll take over with Ruby. Your food’s getting cold.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Simon handed Pippa the loaded spoon and sawed at his steak. ‘Wow. I think they gave me a rubber one.’

  ‘Euww.’ Pippa opened her mouth wide at Ruby, who copied her, and slid the spoon home. ‘Yes! Two more to go, and then pudding.’ She wiped Ruby’s face. ‘It isn’t even a locked-room mystery. It’s a locked-case mystery. With an audience. It’s impossible!’

  ‘Well, you know what that Sherlock Holmes chap says,’ said Simon.

  ‘Enlighten me.’

  ‘I might be paraphrasing.’

  ‘That’s fine.’

  ‘Eliminate the impossible and what remains, however improbable, must be the truth.’

  ‘Mmm.’ Pippa made a face at Ruby, who laughed, and got another spoonful put away. ‘I wonder if there was a psychological moment.’

  ‘A whuh?’

  ‘You know. Something that distracted everyone just for a second or two.’

  ‘It must have been longer. No-one could get to the case, unlock it, take the watch, and relock the case in that time. Not without someone noticing.’

  Pippa put the last spoonful of food into Ruby, and slowly screwed the lid onto the empty jar. ‘You know what? You’re absolutely right.’

  ‘Elementary, my dear Holmes.’

  ‘Watson.’

  ‘No, you’re Holmes, remember. I’m Watson, who makes the daft remark to get you on the right track.’ Simon smiled, and then fed the smile with steak and chips.

  ‘Perhaps you are.’ Pippa found the packet of rusks and gave one to Ruby, who clamped it in her gums, dribbling with pleasure. ‘Perhaps you are.’

  ‘Really, Mum? That is interesting. Give my love to Dad, won’t you? Yes, we will come up for New Year. Yes, I’ll remember the marmalade. Bye, Mum. Bye.’

  Pippa clicked End Call, and thought. She opened her browser and typed in Ross, plus the phone number from the business card. The result made her cackle.

  ‘Is it getting any clearer?’ asked Simon.

  ‘Might be,’ said Pippa. ‘I need to see one more thing.’

  ‘How long will it take?’ Simon said, raising his hand for the bill.

  ‘Once we’re in the store, five minutes.’

  Simon rolled his eyes. ‘Come on then.’

  As they walked back to the store, Freddie wailing ‘Again, Mummy?’, Pippa spied the piper, now playing ‘Loch Lomond’. On impulse she went over and whispered in his ear. The noise which followed was not part of ‘Loch Lomond’, nor of any other recognisably Scottish tune. The blowpipe fell from his mouth and he stared at her, aghast.

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Pippa, putting a hand on his arm. ‘I get it.’

  As Pippa had expected, the third floor was still crowded. A string quartet played ‘Diamonds Are Forever’, deckchairs were set in rows, and a small concession stand sold snacks, drinks, and souvenirs of London. All in all, it seemed quite a good day out.

  Ping! went Gareth’s bell, and another set of viewers filed obediently past, discussing what various minor celebrities had said about the event on social media. A couple of them had stuck around to sign autographs; a small table stacked with notebooks stood close by. A film crew and a news reporter were also working the crowd.

  Pippa looked for Sharp Suit. Ah, there he was, sauntering down from Ladies’ Handbags, chatting to a fluttery female assistant. Pippa stepped into their path. ‘Excuse me?’

  Sharp Suit paused, hands in pockets. ‘How can I help?’

  ‘I think I know what’s happened to the Santa Special.’

  His eyebrows rose, slowly. Then he grinned. ‘I’ve heard many theories today. I don’t suppose one more will hurt. Go on, hit me.’ He removed his hands from his pockets and made a show of bracing himself.

  Pippa walked forward, cupped her hand to his ear, and whispered for a minute.

  After one sentence, she felt him stiffen.

  After half a minute, he was trembling.

  By the time she had finished, his shoulders sagged, and sweat shone on his forehead.

  Pippa stepped back, and like a doomed automaton, Sharp Suit turned towards her, his face a mixture of awe and horror. ‘All right,’ he croaked. ‘You’ve been very clever. Tell them, then. Tell them all.’ He lifted his hand, sighed, and let it fall.

  Pippa put a finger to her lips and regarded him speculatively. ‘What’s it worth,’ she said, ‘for me not to tell them?’

  In an instant Sharp Suit looked as if all his Christmases had come at once. ‘Madam,’ he purred, ‘if you would come this way? I think we have exactly what you require.’

  ‘I could get used to this.’

  Pippa and Simon sat side by side on club chairs in the toy department, watching the children play. An assistant was helping Freddie manoeuvre rather a fancy remote-controlled car. Ruby, meanwhile, had a big box of soft bricks, and her own assistant to stack them, before she swept them down, giggling.

  Simon cased the joint. Everyone was busy, with enough noise for cover. He nudged Pippa. ‘Come on, tell me.’

  ‘I did say I wouldn’t tell anyone.’ Pippa smiled faintly.

  ‘I’m not anyone!’ Simon protested.

  Pippa grinned. ‘OK.’ To be fair, she’d been bursting to. She lowered her voice to a murmur. ‘Here’s how it went. You were right about the psychological moment. That was the cleverest bit of the whole thing. Something guaranteed to distract everyone and make them look away from the watch.’

  Simon thought for some moments. ‘No, I’m not going to get it.’

  Pippa smiled like a cat with a dish of cream. ‘It was the tannoy announcement itself. When we were getting out of the lift, we all looked the same way — to see where the sound was coming from. Even Ruby. You can’t help yourself, even if it’s only for a moment. And a moment was long enough for our first operative to make the watch disappear.’

  ‘So someone did take the watch?’

  ‘Yes. It wasn’t him, though.’

  Simon rubbed his forehead. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever felt more Watsonish. Just tell the story.’

  ‘All right. So the plinth that the watch sits on is hollow inside. When the tannoy starts, Operative 1 presses his remote control. The cushion the watch is resting on drops on one side, like a trapdoor, then resets. The watch falls to the bottom of the case — a soft landing, I presume — and Operative 2 gets to work.’

  ‘Operative 2?’

  ‘Yes. He’s on the floor below, dressed as a maintenance man, fiddling with one of the ceiling tiles.’

  ‘So that’s why you went to the second floor before we came up here!’

  ‘Exactly. Remember the ladder and the man at work sign, propped against the wall?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Neither did anyone else. Operative 2 reaches into the ceiling space, secures the watch using a cloth to hide it, pockets it, puts the ceiling tile back, and leaves. He probably removes his overalls in the nearest bathroom. No-one cares what he’s doing anyway, they’re heading for the third floor.’

  ‘But wouldn’t he be frisked on the way out?’

  ‘Nope. He looks completely different when he leaves. Plus he’s well-known to the staff.’

  ‘I’m completely lost. Not Suit Man, then?’

  ‘No, he’s strolling upstairs to do crowd management. Operative 2 leaves dressed as a bagpiper. The Ross brothers change outfits in the staff toilets — they’ve been doing it for three days. No-one would think anything of it. Exce
pt that the watch is now in the piper’s sporran. It still is, in fact.’

  ‘So the bagpipers are some sort of Scottish jewel thief gang?’ Simon’s voice had the slow, reasonable quality of someone struggling to take it all in. ‘And Suit Man was in on it?’

  ‘Better than that,’ Pippa grinned. ‘That’s why I rang Mum. I figured a large collection of fit young Highland bagpipers would be pretty conspicuous. Turns out they’re quite well-known there. A couple of the Ross brothers were a bit wild, growing up, and had some brushes with the law — but they were too clever to get caught. Just. After a very near miss, they set up as security consultants.’

  ‘Poachers turned gamekeepers.’ Simon laughed. ‘Brilliant.’

  ‘Exactly. When I checked the phone number from the pipers’ card on the internet, it took me to the piping business and the security firm.’

  ‘So they were hired to steal the watch.’ Simon frowned. ‘But why?’

  ‘Haven’t you seen the crowds in the store?’ Pippa pulled out her phone and opened Twitter. ‘See? Number one trending topic: #watchrobbery. Associated hashtags: #whereswatchy, #OxfordStWatch, #SantaSpecial. This photo of the empty case has been retweeted half a million times. How much would it cost to buy that sort of publicity? And they could always set up someone finding it, to create another buzz. I might suggest it to Sharp Suit. I mean Kevin.’

  ‘Ah yes, Kevin.’ Simon snorted. ‘You gave him the fright of his life.’

  ‘He’ll get over it. And I’m sure handing me two thousand pounds in store vouchers made him feel a whole lot better.’ Pippa opened her purse and fanned them out. ‘That is very satisfying.’

  ‘I take it you are planning to spend those.’

  ‘No, I thought I’d frame them.’ She paused. ‘Don’t be daft, of course I’m going to spend them! Let’s start with these toys, and then order a hamper for Mum and Dad — with marmalade, obviously — and maybe a handbag for me, earrings for Sheila, something from accessories for Lila and Suze … and what would you like?’