“Amory, I know I don’t deserve it but please give me another chance. I messed up and let you down, but I have paid for it the last ten years.”
His solid confidence was gone. In its place was a hesitation, a fear she would say no, and she came undone. For the first time in a very long time she didn’t question or analyze her actions, she simply leaned forward.
They kissed with a fierce clash of lips. Jackson sucked her bottom lip, pulling it into his own mouth before sliding his tongue into hers. His hands tangled into her hair and she let herself do the same, feeling the texture of his rough waves in her fingers. She allowed herself the pleasure of the very thing she’d wanted to do earlier as she pulled him closer. He shifted and slipped his hands from her hair, curling them underneath and effortlessly lifting her onto his lap, breaking contact for a moment as he did so.
His deep brown eyes darkened and the intensity of his gaze made the rest of the world fade away as instead of returning his lips to hers, he sucked and nipped at the sensitive area below her ear. His beard grazed her skin lightly as his mouth moved lower, pressing his lips against her neck. Slowly he sucked and kissed his way across her collarbone, tasting the hollow of her neck while his hands slipped up her back and circled her waist.
“I really am sorry,” he said so quietly against her skin that she almost missed it.
As his words sank in they hit her like a steel-toe-capped boot in the chest. She was succumbing to her desire when only she knew the truth about their past, about who she really was. Once again she was deceiving him. The honesty in his expression when he had appealed to her had washed away any concern that he was pursuing her for revenge. The sincerity of his plea for forgiveness had made her lose all sense and reason. In that moment she had let go of the resentment she had felt toward him for throwing away what they had all those years ago. The comforting heat of his body pressed against hers added to the heavy weight that she’d ignored for the last few minutes. How could she do this when she was lying to him?
She lied every day, it was her job to lie. Unfortunately, it turned out that lying for her job was very different than lying to someone she cared so much about. She was used to a clear separation between those she lied to, the people in her undercover lives, and those she was completely honest with, the people she loved.
Damn. The thought made her flinch back from him. She didn’t love him, she couldn’t. Instead she focused on something she was sure of. She was letting him believe he was the only one who had anything to answer for. She moved quickly, standing and stepping away from him before he could stop her. She didn’t want to walk away from him but what else could she do? This was bigger than just her and Jackson. She owed it to too many innocent people to get her job done.
“I’m sorry, Jackson,” she said, tears welling up in her desperation. Feeling disgusted with herself, without looking at him she fled to her room.
****
Rubbing his hands across his face, he forced himself not to chase after Amory and plead for her forgiveness. He had been more demanding, less gentle than he should have been. But God, she drove him wild, and judging by her response she had felt exactly the same. That didn’t change the fact that he had let her down though, and while he was massively better off financially these days, he wasn’t in a position to offer her any more emotional security now than he had been back then. Acknowledging it felt like ripping out his own heart, but he wasn’t the marrying kind, and Amory had always been a forever kind of girl. He had learned all those years ago that he couldn’t be relied on and wasn’t about to make her think he could be.
Placing his palms flat on the carpet, he pressed his fingers hard against the thinning threads, focusing on them digging into his flesh until he started to shake with the effort. Anything to fill his senses with something other than the woman who set his body on fire. He wanted to go to her now, to hold her close and say all the things she needed to hear, all the things that would tell her how special she was, how much she meant to him.
The knowledge that while he would mean every word he couldn’t be trusted to stand by them stopped him more effectively than a slap in the face. She deserved better than that. He needed to avoid being alone with her until he was sure he could control himself. Until he could get her out of his system. Remembering her honest response to him, her hands tangled in his hair, he felt desire twist hard in his gut. Kissing Amory just wasn’t enough. He didn’t know if he stood any chance of getting her out of his system, and even worse, he didn’t know if he wanted to.
He was still in the library staring into the bottom of his glass when William arrived home. Despite his best efforts at dinner, all Jackson had got from William about the estate finances was some story about someone trying to hack the account and it being frozen as a result. William had been far too uneasy talking about it for something supposedly so simple.
Unwilling to push too hard and risk William clamming up completely, Jackson had left William to go on to the party alone.
“Little brother, you missed a superb party,” William slurred as he staggered through the heavy door. “Had a great time with Stacey Carrigan.”
Violent anger pulsed through his body. He couldn’t believe it. William was standing there bragging about a conquest when he had Amory upstairs? How dare his brother behave like that when he was blocking Amory from him? Shocked that he had any willpower left at all, he resisted punching William. Standing abruptly, he stormed out, leaving a bemused William and the sound of shattering glass in his wake.
“Just jealous, my man,” his brother chuckled at his departing back.
William was right, he was behaving like a jealous teenager, just not for the reason his brother thought.
****
Resting his head on one arm, Jackson lay on his back and tortured himself with images of Amory’s luscious mouth as he had pulled her to him, her willingly coming to him. It was the willing part that had completely destroyed his self-control. She was so passionate, he could spend his life loving her.
The thought brought him up short. What the hell was he doing, thinking about forever? He should know better, and yet the thought was tempting. Taunting him with hope for a future he’d long since given up on. He really needed to get laid more often if this was what abstinence did to him. Grimly he smiled to himself as he acknowledged that Amory was more than that. Whether he liked it or not she was the one for him, and if he was honest, he liked it.
A small part of him had worried that the weird dynamics between her and William had meant that she was special to his brother, that their connection was serious. No matter what had happened, Jackson loved his brother and loyalty to him would have made him walk away if they had been committed to each other. William’s behavior tonight had killed that concern.
Despite himself he began to consider a future with her. Maybe he shouldn’t keep punishing himself for a mistake that was ten years old. He had certainly learned from it. He had taken the lesson and used it to help other people. He had a successful business and was impressively wealthy by anyone’s standards, but more than that, he was helping other people turn their lives around. He knew the reason he hadn’t been with a woman for the last few months was because it had all felt hollow and empty. He wanted more in his life and he’d believed that the reason he hadn’t pursued that more was because he didn’t deserve it. Now he realized that was only part of the story. The other part was that he hadn’t met anyone who made him want to be brave enough to face his demons.
He knew he couldn’t make any promises about forever, but he wasn’t walking away from her. He was certain that they needed to finish what they had started. They needed to explore where this would take them. Now he just had to convince her.
Chapter Sixteen
“Help me, Holly,” Amory pleaded down the phone line. “What am I doing? I can’t keep my hands to myself despite what’s at risk. He has no idea who I am and I almost begged him to take me.”
Annoyingly, Amory could almo
st hear Holly’s smile as she replied, “Amory, you kissed him and from what you have said, he started it. It’s not a big deal. He doesn’t know what your job is? Well, you have a choice, you tell him or you don’t.”
The fact that Holly was right didn’t help.
“Besides which,” Holly added into the silence, “I read his file. That man is so hot I’d be more worried if you hadn’t responded to him.”
“Please be serious, Holly. Much as I appreciate the friendly support, I need your professional help. How do I get through this?”
“Amory, my professional advice is to go with it, just relax. Get in character and focus on the op. You’re the best we have in the field because you can live the role. Use that now.”
Amory spoke to Holly for a while longer, hearing all about her latest date who was some sort of investment banker. Her playboy looks meant she had no trouble attracting male attention, but Holly had strict rules—she never dated anyone for more than six weeks and she never let things get serious, something she was very upfront with the guys about. “You should have seen the look on his face when he realized I was serious about our time being up,” Holly said with a laugh as she talked about the fact she’d just had the six weeks, “it’s been fun but” chat with her latest guy.
“They do tend to get quite attached to you,” Amory said. “One of these days you’ll get attached back.”
“Come on, Amory, we both know the secrecy that comes with our jobs is a death sentence to any kind of relationship. On the plus side, we get to enjoy the fun without things getting too serious.”
“Maybe,” Amory said.
“Okay, well I do,” Holly said. “In the meantime you could try it with Jackson.”
Amory smiled. Holly never seemed to shy away from having fun, but Amory secretly hoped her friend would meet Mr. Right. If anyone deserved to be happy and appreciated for the long run it was Holly. She wrapped up the call. Talking to Holly had helped her over the spiral she’d started down.
Holly’s comment about Jackson’s looks reminded her that she had a copy of that same file. She pulled one of her suitcases from underneath the bed and quickly twisted the numbers on the lock so that it sprung open. As she lifted the top of the case a single brown file stared up at her. The question was, could she bring herself to read it?
Lifting the file out, she perched on the edge of the bed, holding it in her hands. Inside this innocent-looking folder was every detail she could ever wish to know about Jackson Halland, every single thing he’d done since she’d last seen him in court, to the people he hung around with now. With a few minutes of reading she could fill in every gap. Her breathing sped up as the temptation to do exactly that made her fingers twitch. After all, she would only be doing her job. Making sure she knew everything about the subjects that surrounded her on a mission was just prudent.
The image of him pleading with her in the light of the fire filled her mind, and before she could second-guess herself she shoved the file back in the case, reset the lock, and shoved it under the bed. Heart racing, she stared at the floor. If there was anything in that file that she needed to know, her DCI or Holly would have told her. She wasn’t going to use her job as an excuse to betray him again.
Chapter Seventeen
Fidgeting sleeplessly in his bed, Jackson stilled as a high-pitched scream broke the silence of the night. Heart pounding at the thought Amory might be in trouble, he swung out of bed without pausing and sprinted across the hallway. Hesitating outside of her room he stopped, trying to listen through the heavy door but struggling to hear over the frantic beating of his own heart. At the sound of another scream he burst into the room to see her alone in her bed, sheets tangled around her legs.
“Amory,” he half-shouted, wincing as she started, blinking at him as she tried to wake up.
“Are you okay?” he asked, knowing it was a stupid question as soon as he asked it because she quite obviously wasn’t okay. People who were okay didn’t scream out in the night.
“Yes…”
After a pause where she seemed to shake herself awake and remember where she was, she added more certainly, “Yes, I’m fine.”
He frowned at her assertion. Her skin was covered in a sheen of sweat despite the cool of the night and tears were tracing their way down her cheek. He wasn’t convinced, not even a little bit. She wasn’t harmed but she was clearly upset and her determination to be strong made him want to bundle her up in his arms to protect and comfort her.
Without looking he closed the door behind him, keeping his attention on Amory who was rubbing her fingers across her cheeks. She might wish he hadn’t seen her tears but he had and he wasn’t leaving her alone, not tonight. Slowly he walked over to the bed and sat next to her. As he dragged his hand down his face, the length of his beard told him he was well overdue a shave. He reached for her hand.
“Amory, I know I should leave you alone but I can’t think of anything except you. Knowing you’re so close but not being able to hold you is torture.” He sucked in a breath before continuing, “I want to hold you. I want to comfort you. Please let me stay.”
He didn’t dare look at her as he spoke, not wanting to see the rejection in her eyes. He would respect her wishes and go if she told him to. It would kill him to leave her, especially when she was so upset, but he would do it.
Instead she turned her hand, twisting it so her palm met his and she gently pulled him toward her. Once he was stretched out next to her she curled into him, resting her head on his chest. He stroked his hand down her hair, soaking in the simple pleasure of being close.
“Nightmare?” he asked quietly.
She didn’t speak but nodded her response.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Silence met his question. He didn’t really expect her to open up to him but a small part of him hoped she might.
“I was stuck in a cold room with no way out, waiting to die,” she finally whispered.
His heart squeezed at her words. At the fact she had trusted him enough to share this secret fear, but also at the realization he didn’t know anything about her life, about what had happened to her since the awful day. What had she been through to give her nightmares like that? He tightened his hold on her, as though somehow he could erase any suffering she had experienced.
“You’ve had that nightmare before,” he said, his words more statement than question. Somehow he knew it was a familiar terror. She’d been too quick to try and hide her distress, too quick to accept his comfort. As though she’d known she couldn’t chase the darkness away alone.
She didn’t answer and he didn’t push for more. Just lying with her he felt a sense of peace that he couldn’t remember feeling for a very long time. Her hand on his chest, her body curled into his, he ignored the stirring of desire that her closeness caused and let himself enjoy simply holding her, giving her comfort.
Feeling her chest rise and fall steadily, he realized that she had fallen asleep. As time rolled on his own eyes grew heavy, but not wanting to miss a moment he fought to stay awake. He wanted to relish every moment of her resting in his arms. Every moment that showed her trust in him. Yet despite himself, his own eyes closed and he slipped into a deep and restful sleep.
****
Waking up to the sound of a strange alarm, he took a beat to remember where he was before hitting the “off” button and pulling Amory closer. Her eyelids flickered at him and he realized what he had been denying since he had set eyes on her just days earlier. He wasn’t letting go this time.
Unfortunately it looked like she had other ideas. Her eyelashes fluttered rapidly as she tried to rid herself of the last vestiges of sleep and began to pull away.
“I want to be with you,” he whispered as he held on tighter.
Her face fell and before he could react she jerked away and leapt out of bed, dashing to the bathroom and banging the door behind her.
Okay, not the reaction he was hoping for but he knew better than
to expect her to simply fall into his arms. He’d just have to work harder. He wasn’t losing her again. Walking across to the bathroom, he turned the door handle to find it locked.
“Amory, let me in.”
“No,” she replied, her voice sounding panicked.
“Amory, please? We need to talk about this.”
He didn’t want to leave her upset, he needed her to talk to him so they could sort things out. He needed her to give him a chance to earn her love back. Something he wouldn’t be able to do from the other side of a locked door.
“Please, Jackson, you don’t know what you’re asking. Please just go away.” Her voice had turned pleading.
Standing, arms outstretched with both palms pressed against the door, he frowned. He needed her. The thought pulled him up short. Every single thought he’d had since waking up had been about what he needed. He was an idiot. He wasn’t going to convince her of anything when all he was thinking about was what he wanted. Amory had to come first. Smiling to himself at the realization, he leaned his forehead against the wood.
“Well, that’s pretty frustrating. I tell you I want to be with you and you run away.”
“You can’t want to be with me. You d-d-don’t know who I am.”
“I know we haven’t seen each other for a long time, but I know you, Amory. I know you deep to your soul just as you know me. We’ve already lost so many years, let’s not lose any more.”
“Jackson, d-don’t!”
Hearing the hitch in her voice, he dragged his hand along his jaw.
“Amory, I’m leaving. Whatever you need I’ll give it to you, but I need you to know I can’t walk away from you entirely.”
Chapter Eighteen
Marek Berishka stood in front of Amory’s desk, his appraising eyes drifting over her body. She swallowed down her nausea and irritation as his pale eyes bore into her with what she could only describe as ownership. The hair on the nape of her neck prickled, standing on end, and a cold dread washed over her. The nightmare which had been chased away by Jackson came flooding back as she faced the man responsible for it. Somehow she had to get friendly enough with this bastard that he would relax and incriminate himself. All without giving up more of herself than she was prepared to.
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