Toby drove slowly to Jack’s house and thought of Annie’s offer. He wasn’t a fool; he knew what she felt for him. In fact, he suspected that he understood what she felt better than she did herself.
He wished he had treated her better. He wished that he would be able to treat her better. But he knew he couldn’t give her what she wanted: pure, simple, total love. He’d been in love once. Or he’d thought he’d been in love. It had lasted barely six months. He was not going to make that mistake again.
There had been other women since, casual affairs, a clear understanding on both sides that it had just been a fun thing. None of them had meant very much to him. Only Annie had managed to get under his iron carapace, to make him feel that perhaps here was a woman who he could imagine spending his life with. And so he’d had to give her up. He’d tried that once already.
But now this new situation. He had promised himself he wouldn’t hurt Annie and he strongly suspected that living with him would hurt her. It would hurt him too. But he was not going to hurt Annie. Not again. He’d turn down her offer. He’d manage somehow. As he drove he glanced down at the small sleeping face, strapped into the baby seat and illuminated by passing lights. A feeling stronger than any he’d ever know washed over him. This was his son. He had to do the best he could for him, had to think of him first. So he changed his mind. He would accept Annie’s offer. He knew it would be the better thing to do for Charlie. But he would be fair to her. At the end of two months he would see that she could leave without recriminations. He owed her that.
CHAPTER SIX
Ironing was good for the soul, decided Annie. It might be wearying for the body, but it was good for the soul. She pressed her hands against the small of her back, stretched painfully. She looked with doubtful pride at the now empty plastic basket to one side of her and the double pile of freshly ironed clothes on the table at the other side. A good job well done. She wouldn’t need to do any ironing for weeks now.
She had gone back to her own flat for a couple of hours. She could manage to be happy in Toby’s flat when he and Charlie were there. But when she was alone there—imagining what life would be like if she were there permanently—it was too painful.
Perhaps her flat was looking a little, well, not grubby but uncared for. Time for a quick zip round with the vacuum cleaner, then some cushion plumping followed by a bit of polishing. Only when she found herself starting to polish the table for a second time did she realise what she was doing. This was all displacement activity. She was trying to take her mind off Toby and Charlie.
They had made no more plans when he’d left to take Charlie to meet his new relations. But she knew that he’d want to involve her. Then again, suppose he didn’t want to involve her? What would happen if, after talking to Jack and Carly, he decided he didn’t need her help at all? Annie blinked. She’d never even considered that. But he must need her, her help would be invaluable, and besides, she needed… She needed? Was this about her needs?
The phone rang. She realised that this was what she had been expecting.
It was Miranda and she sounded cheerful, excited. ‘It’s good to be able to talk to someone normal,’ she said. ‘Someone not like my family-to-be.’ But there was laughter in her voice.
‘Aren’t Jack and Carly and Toby normal?’Annie asked.
‘Well, I never knew they could all get so irate. But we’ve all cooled down now. Charlie’s smoothed things over. Charlie is a darling.’ Miranda’s voice lowered. ‘Look, I gather you’ve made an offer to help Toby and we’d all like to talk to you about it. I was going to phone and ask you to come round. Jack said no way, if you wanted to come we’d pick you up. So do you want to come?’
Annie could feel her heart beating quickly again. She had made a decision and she was being drawn ever more deeply into its consequences. Soon it would be impossible to back out. So what? She didn’t intend to back out. ‘I’d love to come round, but I can drive.’
‘No chance. Apart from anything else, I want a private word with you myself. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.’ Miranda rang off.
Being engaged suited Miranda. Annie could see the happiness glowing in her, see it in her smile and hear it in her voice. And she wondered if she’d ever feel happiness like that herself. She hoped so.
‘We’ll drive slowly,’ Miranda announced. ‘We’ve got things to talk about. Annie, I’m talking as your friend, not as a member of the Sinclair clan. Toby told us of the offer you made him. You tell me what you said.’
‘I said I’d share the looking after of Charlie for the next two months, just to give Toby time to get his life organised. Just two months. Then I’ll disappear out of his life.’
‘I don’t want you to disappear out of his life. It means you’ll disappear out of mine, and you’re my friend.’ Miranda’s voice got sharper. ‘What’s in this for you, Annie? I thought you’d got over Toby, but this means you’ll be tossed into the deep end again. Any feelings you used to have for him are likely to come back.’
Annie’s voice was flat. ‘Too late. They’re back already.’
Miranda sighed, said nothing for a moment. ‘Oh, Annie! Are you hoping that living with him will bring him round to seeing what he threw away?’
‘No. I’m just going to stay with him to help him with Charlie. Toby’s been completely thrown in at the deep end and, as a friend, I want to make sure he and Charlie will be OK.’
‘It’ll be hell for you!’
‘Perhaps so. But it’ll be a hell I have chosen for myself.’
Miranda shook her head in dismay. ‘It’s got to be your decision. But if you ever want to back out, I’ll support you.’
Annie ruffled Miranda’s hair. ‘It’s good to have friends,’ she said. ‘And that’s what I’m trying to be.’
Annie had been to Jack’s flat before; she thought it was wonderful. It showed a side of his character that didn’t always come out when he was at work. It showed that Jack loved beauty.
The family was sitting in a circle in the living room. There was Toby, looking tired but relieved. Carly was cuddling Charlie and apparently really enjoying it. Jack looked sardonic.
As Annie looked at them together, she could see the family resemblance. They all had different faces but there was something about the determined line of the jaws, the bone structure round the eyes. They were a handsome family, with the kind of good looks that that would last into middle age.
She could also feel the family togetherness. Toby could rely on them, and for a moment Annie felt almost excluded. What need did Toby have of her, when his siblings were on his side?
Jack came over to her, kissed her on the cheek. ‘We’re having a drink,’ he said. ‘It’s a bit late but this is an occasion for celebration. We’ve got a new member of the family.’
He turned to a silver bucket on a side table, filled a glass with champagne, and handed it to her. ‘Same toast as before,’ he said. ‘To Charlie!’
They all lifted their glasses. ‘To Charlie!’
‘I think he’s a wonderful little lad,’ said Annie.
She sat in the seat Jack offered her, next to himself. She was opposite Toby. He picked up his own chair and carried it round to sit next to her. She liked the symbolism of that. But they were not really together, were they? Or not for long.
‘Toby has told us about your offer to help him,’ Jack said, ‘and we all think that’s wonderful of you. We’ll leave it up to you two to organise. What we wanted to say was that Carly, Miranda, myself, we can’t do as much as we would like. You know how our mother is ill, every morning one of us calls in to see her briefly, at least one of us sits with her every night. She can’t say much but we know she knows we are there, and she appreciates it. But… this can’t go on for much longer.’
‘I know how things are,’ said Annie, ‘and if it were my mother I’d feel exactly the same. It’s no big thing I’m offering Toby. And it’s only for a couple of months. But it’ll give him time to really settle w
ith Charlie. You know I’ve made it very clear that I can only help for two months?’
Jack nodded. ‘It’s a good idea to get things clearly set out to begin with. Now, I’ve always been against using any influence I might have in hospital to help family members, but I feel I can ask John Bennett to arrange that you two don’t, for example, have to work nights together. Another glass, Annie?’
‘Please,’ said Annie.
‘We need to move fast,’ Toby said by her side. ‘I’ve been talking to Miranda, our resident expert midwife. She’s given me a list of what I’ll need. I’ll get it ordered tomorrow. I told you, midwives know stuff that doctors don’t. And for a start I’m soon going to need another place to live, my flat just isn’t big enough. Give me a hand looking at places, Annie?’
‘Yes,’ said Annie, ‘I guess so.’ She had the feeling that she had started sliding down a helter-skelter; there was no way she could get back now, and the further she slid, the faster she went. And while it was exhilarating, it was a bit frightening too.
‘There’s something else you have to think of,’ Miranda said. ‘There’s no way to keep this quiet. Two SHOs and a sudden baby? The pair of you have got to find something to announce. Or Lord knows what the gossips will say.’
Annie flinched but she knew what Miranda said was true.
‘What do you think, Annie?’ Toby’s voice was concerned. ‘I’ve given up worrying about what people think about me, but you have a reputation to consider.’
What did she want? At the moment she just couldn’t think. ‘We’ve got a week or two to decide on a story,’ she said eventually. ‘I suppose we could decide to hide nothing. Just tell the truth.’
‘Now, that would be original,’ said Miranda.
It was getting late, it had been a full day. Toby drove them back to his own flat. She had said that her stay could start at once.
‘I’ll say it once again,’ he said as she climbed out of his car. ‘I want you to know just how much I appreciate this. I’ve had a bit of time to think and now I know just how much it is that you’re offering me. I’m not accepting for myself, Annie, but for Charlie. But if ever you want to back out…’
She leaned forward, kissed him quickly on the cheek. ‘If I want to back out, you’ll be the first to know.’
She was tired—exhausted even. But she knew she wouldn’t sleep at once. She had a hot bath in Toby’s bathroom, took herself to bed with the usual warm drink, and sat up to think about her day. And about her future.
Earlier she had thought she was on a helter-skelter. Now she realised that a better image might be an emotional rollercoaster. First she had discovered that she still loved him, but was not sure what to do about it. They had become friends and he seemed quite happy to remain that way. Then she’d found out about Charlie. At first she had been confused, hurting, angry. But then she’d seen Toby holding his son, had seen the love he felt for him. It was almost more than she could bear, seeing him with a child that so easily could have been their child.
When she’d learned about Toby’s unhappy marriage she’d thought that she could understand—just—why he’d dumped her just when she’d thought she’d found the love of her life. She couldn’t forget but she could understand. And she felt that this gave her permission to love Toby even more.
So she had made her offer. She had convinced herself that she had made it because someone she loved was in need and trouble. That she was being a friend, just as she’d told Miranda. But she had to be ruthlessly honest, she knew that a tiny corner of her mind hoped that eventually, after spending so much time with her, Toby would come to realise that he couldn’t live without her, that he loved her. But she knew it was foolish to hope.
With this recognition came a kind of peace. She turned off her bedside light and was almost instantly asleep.
It was almost a relief next morning to do some simple medicine. She had a clinic, saw a variety of mums and babies with a variety of problems. Most of them were reasonably easy to deal with. At the end of the morning Annie felt pleased with her life. She had helped people; she was doing what a doctor should.
Toby hadn’t come in for coffee in the midmorning break. He’d put his head round the door, winked at her and said, ‘Can’t stop but I’ll see you at one.’ And then he had gone. But he had seemed different, had looked at her in a different way as if they… belonged to each other? There had been something in his face as he’d smiled at her, as if they shared some kind of happy secret. Well, that was what she felt. She wondered if he felt the same.
She knew Toby was a good doctor. She’d been impressed by the casual but efficient way he’d dealt with the running of their little clinic. She hadn’t quite realised what a skilful organiser he was.
At one o’clock he told her, ‘I’ve got an appointment to see the nurse in charge of the crèche here. I’m going to order the stuff that Miranda suggested and have it delivered. Then I’ve got to see a solicitor about Charlie. I need to know where we stand legally with his grandmother. I don’t want her suddenly turning up, demanding him back.’
‘She is his relation,’ Annie suggested gently. ‘You need to tread carefully here, for Charlie’s sake.’
Toby’s voice was harsh. ‘When he’s old enough I’m sure he’ll be curious about them. When he can make up his own mind, I’ll be pleased if he wants to go to see them. I know what he’ll think. But until then, he’s staying with me.’
Annie surveyed him. ‘Even four days ago you were a lot more… more easygoing than you are now,’ she said. ‘You’re losing that casual Toby attitude. You seem to… to care more about things.’
He sighed. ‘Being a parent does that to you. It makes you think more clearly, realise the consequences of your actions. But I’m still the same Toby underneath.’
To prove it, he smiled the old Toby smile. ‘Bye, Annie. I’ll not see you till late tonight but we’ll make more arrangements tomorrow. I’m taking Charlie to Jack’s for a couple of hours so the family can get to know their nephew.’ And he was gone.
Annie sighed when he had gone. ‘Realise the consequences of your actions indeed.’ He had a few more lessons to learn. But what an awful lot she had learned about Toby Sinclair in the past few days. And she realised that what she had learned had made her love him more than ever.
Annie and Toby only worked for three days a week in their clinic. The other days they spent either in SHO classes or working as they had before, in the wards, clinics or delivery rooms of the main hospital.
Next day Annie was working in the main hospital. She was on duty in Nightingale Ward, one of the children’s wards. This was not a cheerful place, like Kingfisher Ward, often full of laughter and occasionally mischief. It was an intensive care unit where the sickest of children were nursed.
It turned out to be one of Annie’s worst ever days. And there was no Toby around to help her, to comfort her or cheer her up. He could be such a support to her, she hadn’t realised just how much she had come to rely on his casual good humour.
Annie walked into the clinic just at handover, when the leaving staff briefed the incoming staff. And she could feel the atmosphere at once.
She knew what it was. ‘Baby Caroline?’ she asked the SHO going off duty. She remembered the case from last week.
He nodded. ‘She started to slip away early this morning. I phoned for John Bennett, he came out, but everyone knew there was nothing that could be done. Her parents are with her in the side ward. It won’t be long now.’
Baby Caroline had Edwards’ syndrome, a rare condition affecting one in every five thousand babies. She had an extra, eighteenth chromosome. She had been born with heart, lung, and digestive problems. Jack had operated to correct the abnormalities of the heart. At first it had been thought that there might be some hope, perhaps she had a fighting chance. For a while she had lived at home. But then her condition had deteriorated and she had been readmitted. And the consultants had had to admit defeat.
Annie went
along to let the parents know she was there. They knew that no medical attention could help now, but it was courteous to know she was available. The nursing staff would look after them, do all that was necessary.
A side ward with room for just one incubator. Curtains drawn across the windows that opened into the main ward. Two chairs drawn up, baby Caroline’s parents sitting there, staring numbly at their dying child.
‘Mr and Mrs Godwin, I’m so sorry. I’m running a clinic next door so I’ll be there or on the ward all afternoon. If there’s anything at all that I can do, please send a nurse for me.’
‘Thank you, Doctor,’ Mrs Godwin said. ‘The nurses are looking after us and… Caroline very well.’
That was it. There was nothing more to be said.
With a heavy heart, Annie went to begin her antenatal clinic, forcing herself to look cheerful. She couldn’t run the clinic with an unhappy face. There were women facing coming births, each had a different attitude. Some were elated, just couldn’t wait. Others were by now thoroughly fed up with the discomfort. More than a few were apprehensive—even frightened. So this visit was more than just a check-up on their physical state. Annie had to listen, to understand, to sympathise. She couldn’t do that looking miserable. But as she smiled and dealt with each case in turn, there was always a bitter comparison at the back of her mind. These women were looking forward to a baby being born. Not too far away a couple was waiting for their baby to die.
Sometimes being a doctor was hard.
In fact, it happened when she was in the staff lounge, drinking coffee and wishing she had Toby there to cheer her up. The staff nurse in charge opened the door, said nothing, just looked at her. Annie nodded and put down her coffee.
Caroline’s parents were now in the staff nurse’s office. The little side ward held two empty chairs and an incubator.
Only a doctor could pronounce death. No need for a long examination. Annie signed the forms that were held out to her. The rest would be left to the nursing staff.
The Doctor's Baby Surprise - An Accent Amour Medical Romance Page 9