Jack said, ‘I’ll operate if it’s needed. You two go to the doctors’ room with Miranda and wait. I don’t want you cluttering up my work. Have a coffee or a sleep. And the minute I have anything to tell you, I’ll do so. You are not to try and observe.’
‘We won’t,’ Annie said. She took Toby’s arm. ‘And we’re going to the doctors’ room right now.’
Toby resisted a little at first, walking over for a last look at Charlie. Then Annie dragged at his arm and he came willingly enough.
They sat in the doctors’ room. Miranda made them all tea but nobody drank it. For a while Annie tried to sit with her arm round Toby’s shoulders but he sat perfectly still and seemed not even to notice it. So she moved it. Perhaps they could have talked, but no one appeared to have anything to say.
Annie could only guess at what Toby was feeling. For the first time in his life he was not able to rely on his own resources. There was nowhere he could hide, no joke he could make. In a sense, Toby was naked.
After perhaps half an hour there was a telephone message from the nurse in charge. The team had been assembled, Charlie was going to Theatre. And they sat, and after a while Annie made tea and somehow some of it was drunk. Toby sat still, staring in front of him, speaking only when spoken to and then in polite monosyllables. After a while Annie couldn’t stand it any more. No matter how hard she tried to stop them, the tears came. Miranda came to sit next to her, pulled Annie’s head down onto her shoulder.
Another hour and a half. And then the door was opened and there was Jack, still in his scrubs. His air of grim determination had gone. Now, he too, looked weary.
‘The appendix was ruptured,’ Jack said. ‘I’ve tied it off, washed out the peritoneum with saline solution. What could be done I’ve done. He’s being taken to the high dependency unit. Now it’s up to Charlie.’
They all knew what he meant. In spite of powerful antibiotics, thirty per cent of children never recovered from a ruptured appendix. The next twenty-four hours would be crucial.
‘I want to sit with him,’ said Toby.
‘Of course. Annie?’
Before she could speak, Miranda said, ‘Annie will come to look at Charlie for a minute. Then we’re going to find her a bed here for the rest of the night. She’ll need all her strength tomorrow.’
Annie thought about this. It seemed a good idea. The little party trooped down to High Dependency.
Of course, she’d been in High Dependency before. She knew what all the machines were, knew what they were monitoring. The machinery, pipes, and leads, didn’t scare her at all. But when the tiny bundle in the middle of the cot was yours, things looked different.
Toby found a chair, placed it squarely by the cot and sat on it. Miranda tugged Annie away, but before she went Annie put her arms round Toby and kissed him on the cheek. She didn’t know if he even noticed.
There were bedrooms reserved near the ward for parents who stayed overnight to be near their children. One was found for Annie. She had a wash and tumbled into bed. For a moment she wondered. What would life be without Charlie? But then she was leaving him anyway. How would Toby cope if…? Toby would cope. He always had. Then she slept.
Next morning she went down to the high dependency unit. Toby was still there, still in the same position. By his side was a plate of biscuits, apparently untouched. There was also a mug of tea, now cold. ‘We took him those in early this morning,’ a nurse whispered. ‘He just said thank you and then left them.’
‘If you’ve time to fetch him another mug of tea, I’ll make him drink it,’ Annie promised.
She did. ‘Toby you look dreadful,’ she said firmly. ‘You’ll be no good to Charlie or anyone, feeling the way you must do. So drink this.’
He looked at her, slightly surprised, but then did as she told him. And a minute after that Jack came in. ‘I want to examine Charlie and I want you two out of here while I do so. Annie, take him down to the canteen and get him some breakfast.’
She didn’t do that. Instead, she took him to his flat, sent him to have a shave and a shower and then dress in clean clothes. Meanwhile, she would cook something for him. He was meek, did as she told him. Then he said, ‘I’m going to phone Jack now. And then I’m going back.’
‘Of course. Tell me what Jack says.’
Jack was guardedly optimistic. Things were going well so far. Good reason to hope, and the longer this kept up, the better Charlie’s chances.
For the first time in over eighteen hours Toby managed to smile. ‘I’ve been selfish,’ he said. ‘I’ve thought only of my own feelings and not of anyone else’s. I know you have suffered, you love Charlie too. You love him like he’s your own son.’
And at long last Annie lost control. Perhaps because she knew that Charlie now was almost certainly out of danger. Toby would recover, was already recovering. And no one knew what she had been feeling.
‘I do love Charlie. Not just because he’s your son and because I’ve got to love being with him, it’s because I… Toby, I never told you, but once, I was pregnant…’
Then she gasped in horror. The silence in the room was almost tangible. Of all the things she had ever said, this was the one she wished she could take back. But it was too late.
‘It happened to you? You mean you were pregnant and after a few weeks you miscarried?’
She nodded.
‘Annie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.’ She saw the concern, the caring in his face, the support she’d wished she had at the time, and it made her want to weep. ‘So that would be why you were so upset after seeing Mrs Kent. When was this, Annie? Who was the—’
‘Let’s forget it,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mean to bring it up. It was one of those things, an accident, not planned, it just happened. We did use contraception but… nothing is perfect. I was shocked, horrified at first, but then I decided to take things as they came and found myself almost looking forward to… to having a baby. ‘
Toby obviously didn’t want to forget it. He persisted, ‘And the man? The father?’
‘He never knew. I never told him and very soon afterwards I finished with him. Which in many ways was a good thing. But I would have liked a baby.’
Toby was unusually quiet. ‘You never told me this,’ he said.
‘Why should I? It’s over. It’s something I’m neither ashamed nor proud of, but it’s definitely in the past.’
‘And when was it?’
‘Oh, some time ago. Three or four years ago, in fact.’
‘Not, perhaps, five or six months ago?’
She had forgotten just how shrewd Toby could be. She stared at him and watched him cope with the idea and its consequences. ‘Annie, I was the father! Wasn’t I? You should have told me!’
She realised he had seen her stricken face, had worked out that he was the man in question. And now he was quietly angry. ‘Didn’t I have a right to know?’
‘Toby, it was a casual affair. And it happened after you’d ended that casual affair.’
He leapt to his feet. ‘No matter! I ought to have been told. You owed me that.’
‘I didn’t feel that I owed you anything. Just as you’d made it clear that you didn’t owe me anything. We were over, finished, a pleasant memory, nothing more. And no way was I going to tell you after you’d ditched me. If things had carried on normally…’
‘You mean if the baby had lived!’
‘If the baby had lived,’ she accepted calmly, ‘then I would have told you. I accept your right to know.’
‘But the baby died!’
‘I’ve been through all this with Mrs Kent. It wasn’t a baby. It was a clump of cells that might, perhaps, have grown into a baby. People miscarry all the time, Toby, you know that. Now just accept it.’
‘Have you accepted it?’ Now his voice was cool.
‘I thought it was something that might bind us together and no way did I want a man out of a sense of duty. So I did what I thought was the right thing, and didn’t tell
you.’
‘You know how I feel about babies. My babies!’
‘I do now. I didn’t then.’
His shoulders slumped as he had to accept the force of her argument. ‘But, Annie, you went through all that on your own. I would have been there for you if you’d asked. Annie, I’m here for you now.’
‘Too late,’ she told him.
‘Right,’ he said, and strode out of the room, leaving Annie staring after him.
Toby sat on his bed. His head was still reeling from what Annie had told him. They’d almost had a child. For a while she had known she was pregnant and had not told him. Because he had finished with her. A part of him could imagine her fear and her anger. And she had kept it all to herself! Hadn’t she known him well enough to know he would have been supportive? Honesty made him admit that perhaps she hadn’t known him that well—and that it was his fault because he had never let her get that close. So why was he so angry?
He knew she was right about one thing—about a quarter of all conceptions miscarried. Often the woman didn’t even know she was pregnant. And she hadn’t been carrying a baby, just a bundle of cells that might, that could have turned into a baby. He had no right to feel angry. So why did he?
When he came out of his bedroom Annie had gone. Toby walked back to the hospital.
He stayed by his son’s side all day. But he felt confident enough to come home that night, having secured the firm promise from the night nurse in charge that if anything at all went wrong, she’d phone him.
Annie wasn’t in his flat. All her possessions had been removed. He phoned her flat, but there was no answer. In desperation he went in search of Calvin, who told him that Annie was about to leave for America. ‘She’s just the kind of doctor the department is looking for,’ Calvin enthused. ‘Chances are, when they get her there, they won’t even let her come back home. But she phoned them, apparently concerned about your young Charlie. They told her to come on a later plane.’
‘So she’s still in England?’
‘Somewhere, yes.’
The next day Charlie was moved out of the High Dependency unit and into Nightingale Ward. In a couple of days he might be moved into Kingfisher Ward. Jack told Toby that he couldn’t guarantee a recovery, but this one looked reasonably certain.
And no one seemed to have seen Annie.
Calvin had told Toby that her plane to America was the next day. And Toby had a brainwave. He phoned Annie’s parents.
Annie’s mother seemed very pleased and quite unsurprised to hear from him. ‘She’s just set off back, dear. She has packing to do. If you go to her flat in, say, a couple of hours, you should find her. Will we be seeing the pair of you again soon?’
‘I hope so,’ said Toby.
Annie had decided to write Toby a letter. No need to see him, a clean break would be better that way. She had sneaked into Nightingale Ward, had a last look at Charlie. She didn’t even have a photograph of him. She had sorted things out with John Bennett. She didn’t even have to come back if she was offered a job at once. All she had to do was pack.
But she still knew who it would be when the doorbell rang. She thought about ignoring it. But she knew he’d never go away.
Of course, it was Toby. But a different Toby. His face was still tired, the way it had been the past few days. And his smile was uncertain, wondering. But he seemed pleased to see her.
‘I couldn’t let you go to get a new job without saying goodbye,’ he said. ‘So I came to meet you here.’
‘How did you know I was here?’
‘I rang your mother.’
Annie sighed. ‘I was going to write you a letter. Leave without any more passion. I think I’m getting like you, Toby. Emotion just isn’t worth the effort.’
‘May I come in?’
She sighed again. ‘I can’t see much point. But yes.’
And then they were standing looking at each other in her living room. There were packing cases all over the floor.
‘Is Charlie all right?’ she asked. ‘That’s not why you’re here?’
‘Charlie is fine, I guess he’s out of danger. Even Jack said so.’
‘So what do you want?’
‘I want you,’ he said.
‘Sorry? You know we arranged all this weeks ago. I’m going to Chicago for three days. I’m going to accept a job there and I might even stay. I’m sure you can get a nanny for Charlie a few days early.’
‘I know.’ He took her hands in his, pulled her closer to him. ‘But I don’t want you to go to America. Either now or for good in a few weeks.’
She gave a little gasp of annoyance. ‘Toby, we’ve been through all this, made our decisions. I’m not coming back to mess about with you and—’
‘I want you to stop messing around. Or being messed around. I don’t want you back for Charlie either, although he’ll miss you and I suspect you’ll miss him. You’re the nearest he’s got to having a real mother.’ He shook his head. ‘But this time I’m being selfish. I want you back for me.’
He seemed to have gotten even closer to her. His arms were round her, that face she so much loved was close to hers.
‘You want me?’ she asked cautiously. ‘Just want me?’
‘All right.’ He paused a moment. ‘Annie, I love you. If I’m honest, I’ve loved you for months. But I’ve been scared. I should have known better. Now I can tell you that what I’m feeling is more and better than anything else I’ve ever experienced before. I love you. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love you and I don’t want to lose you again.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Annie, will you marry me?’
She looked at him open-mouthed. ‘Will I what?’
‘Well, we’ve known each other for long enough. You know all my faults and I’d know all of yours if you had any. I like your family and you like mine. I want you to marry me. Not as a mother for Charlie—though that’ll be wonderful—but as a wife for me. Annie, think about it. Do you love me? Perhaps I should have asked you that first.’
He looked at her anxiously.
‘Love you? Toby Sinclair, you’ve put me through more heartache than anyone else in my life. The times I’ve cried into my pillow because of you. The times I’ve worried about you. The times I’ve spent wishing you could love me.’ She stopped and then considered. ‘Of course I love you. Why else would I put up with so much?’
Now they were pressed together and gently, oh, so gently, he kissed her on the lips. ‘So you’ll marry me?’
Annie smiled, seeing the love in her future husband’s eyes and feeling overwhelmed with happiness. ‘Of course I will. Let’s go tell Charlie our good news.’
EPILOGUE
A lot had happened in the past sixteen months, Annie thought. The happiest sixteen months of her life.
It was warm here in the afternoon sun, in the little garden in the back of the flat—the flat that they had chosen together and the place they were so happy in. They spent a lot of time out here, the three of them—soon to be four.
Annie smiled as she passed a hand over her swollen belly, smiled more as it kicked her. Not it, he or she. She had deliberately opted not to find out. Two months more and Charlie would have a brother or a sister.
She stood, walked cautiously over to where Charlie was playing. Charlie looked up, smiled. He placed his hand on the front of Annie’s dress. ‘Baby,’ he said, carefully and proudly.
‘Baby,’ Annie agreed.
Toby came into the garden, carrying orange juice for all of them: frosted glasses for himself and Annie, a plastic mug for Charlie.
‘I’ve done it,’ he said. ‘I’ve phoned.’
Annie looked at him, a little concerned. ‘How did it go?’
He looked thoughtful. ‘It went well. Ursula was thrilled to hear her grandson is thriving. And she would like to visit. She even suggested that we come and visit her. She realises that she rather misses being a grandmother, and I reminded her that Charlie needs his grandmother too.’
; Annie nodded, pleased. ‘So you’ll think you’ll get on, then?’
Toby grinned. ‘I hope so. Anyway, she brought me Charlie. Indirectly perhaps, she brought me you. I’m probably her biggest fan. She ended up bringing me so much happiness.’
Annie smiled as he gave her a loving, gentle kiss.
‘And me,’ she said softly. ‘More than I ever dreamed was possible.’
Other Titles by Gill Sanderson
For more information about Gill Sanderson
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Published by Accent Press Ltd – 2015
ISBN: 9781783753611
Copyright © Gill Sanderson 2015
The right of Gill Sanderson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
The story contained within this book is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be copied, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, electrostatic, magnetic tape, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publishers: Accent Press, Ty Cynon House, Navigation Park, Abercynon, CF45 4SN
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