by Rita Ames
I extricated myself slowly and made my way to the bathroom. I needed to clean my teeth, among other things. It was a strange feeling to have Ben lying there on my couch when we had barely kissed. I was filled with mixed emotions. I also felt a little guilty at how I had just dropped Carl, after all he had done for me. He had tried to be a real friend and I felt like I was leading him on. After Carl kissed me last night, I realised that I would have to make things clear to him. I just didn’t feel about him in that way.
I ran into my bedroom and changed into some jeans and a t-shirt. Next, I went into the kitchen and hunted through a couple of unpacked boxes until I came across a box of cereal. Carl had also bought milk, bread and eggs the previous day and again a rush of guilt swept over me. I would be cooking the food he had provided, for another man. Oh Susie, I thought to myself, you have really gotten yourself into a complicated situation.
As I busied myself in the kitchen I found it hard to be sorry that Ben was here with me. Poor Carl, he would always be more friend than lover to my heart. I could only hope that he would be all right with that news. I knew I was the only real friend that he had and I didn’t want to take that away from him while he was still trying to regain his memories.
A noise in the lounge alerted me that Ben had woken up. I quickly poured two mugs of coffee and carried them through.
“Good Morning!” I said placing the mugs on the table.
“It sure is” he smiled and stretched. I caught a glimpse of his stomach as his shirt lifted with the stretch and licked my lips. I looked at Ben and saw that he had caught me looking. I shrugged and sat down on the single armchair, sipping my coffee. It was hard to act all nonchalant with bright red cheeks!
He smiled and reached for his coffee.
“Did you have any plans for today?” he asked.
“No, just unpacking more boxes, laundry and other extremely important jobs” I laughed. “The usual Sunday list”
“How about a drive down the coast and some lunch?” he suggested.
“Sure” I responded, probably a little too quickly. I wasn’t doing a very good job of playing hard to get. I smiled.
“I love your smile” Ben whispered and I blushed again.
I continued to sip my coffee and look at him over the rim of the cup. He looked at me and we had a moment. I am not sure what kind of moment it was, but it was definitely a moment.
“I need to go home and change” he said standing up. I wanted to go on a date but I also wanted to keep him here a little while longer.
“What about breakfast?” I asked.
“I’d rather get back here earlier to pick you up so we have more time together” he grabbed his jacket.
We said our goodbyes and agreed that I would be ready at 11am. He quickly kissed me on the tip of my nose as he left and I would have reached up for more if he had stood still for a second longer.
As the door shut I slid down it and sat down on the floor thinking about the sudden change in my life. I had a warm feeling about today and sat there daydreaming about what a proper kiss with Ben would be like.
Then I realised I only had two hours to get ready! I jumped up and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and started to undress when my mobile rang. I looked and saw that it was Carl calling. My heart fell as I remembered that I had treated him a little badly the night before.
Not really wanting to speak to him at this moment I almost let it ring. Instead I answered it. All I could hear down the line was heavy breathing and little noises that sounded like grunts. I was immediately concerned.
“Carl? Is that you? Are you all right?” I asked.
“Susie” he gasped out. He sounded terrible and I felt ashamed that I had almost ignored his call. “I need you” he said. I was in turmoil, not wanting to ruin my day with Ben but knowing that something serious was going on with Carl. I reprimanded myself over how selfish I was being. After all, Carl had no-one he could rely on except me. I sighed with a heavy heart.
“Okay, I can come over now. Are you hurt? Do you need an ambulance?” I was afraid of what was happening. He sounded so unlike the man I had spoken to the day before.
“Not hurt, at least not physically. I just don’t want to be on my own at the moment. Bad night.” he said sounding out of breath.
“I’ll be there in 30 minutes” hanging up I sighed, knowing that my plans with Ben would have to be cancelled. I wondered what was causing Carl to become so upset. He needed me and had no one else, therefore, I had no choice but to step up to the mark.
I called Ben and explained what was happening. “I can come with you” he offered, but I assured him that I would call if I needed him. “Look, I know a good therapist, maybe it’s time Carl got some professional help.”
I told him I would call when I knew more. I somehow didn’t think it would go down well with Carl if I brought Ben with me. Carl had been nothing but sweet and friendly, but I knew he wanted our relationship to be much more and there was something in his eye when he looked at me that made me hesitate. I refused Ben’s offer not sure if it was because I didn’t need him or that I felt I needed to keep him away from Carl. That feeling surprised me and I tried to figure out which one of them I was trying to protect.
Ben wasn’t happy about me going alone, although he said that he understood why I needed to go.
Carl
My night terrors were getting worse. It had become so bad that I was terrified of going to sleep each night.
I awoke on Sunday morning in a state of panic. My heart was beating furiously and I was covered in sweat. It took ages for my heart to slow and for me to be able to breathe normally.
This most recent nightmare had been different to all the others. It was so much more real and I remembered every detail when I woke. I was somewhere dark and there was a man, a gay man, and this was what had thrown me for a loop. I most definitely was not gay, although this man was coming on to me strongly and I felt myself responding. I cringed as I remember the details of his mouth on me.
In my dream I did things that my conscious mind refused to believe or relive. I shuddered at the thought. Then, afterwards I watched my hands as they quite literally squeezed the life out of him. I knew that I was enjoying this part and I kept looking into his eyes as he suffocated.
On waking I was reliving the dream over and over and each time I felt a surge of adrenalin which felt so good and my dick sprang to attention. I was simultaneously ashamed, angered and aroused and my conscious brain was having great difficulty in processing the range of extreme reactions it was having. Why did I feel like this? What the fuck was happening to me?!
Again and again I pictured his face and the way he just lay there staring up at the night sky, moonlight glinting in his now dead eyes. Something in me revelled in it. I loved it, I felt sick, I was so confused.
The starkness of this recent dream had made the previous ones seem all the more real too. I was being overloaded with images that just wouldn’t stop coming. I was sure that I was going out of my mind. I know that I screamed at least once, probably more. I fell out of my bed onto my hands and knees and crawled over to my phone. There was only one person I could call to help me. Only one person could calm me the way I needed right now.
I called Susie, and, angel that she was, she was on her way.
I allowed that thought to calm me just enough to get up off the floor. I managed to get into the shower and stood under the water until it ran cold.
Finally feeling a little control come back, I shrugged into a pair of jeans and waited, still shaking.
My Angel is coming, I thought, she will make it go away.
**********
True to her word Susie arrived about half an hour later. I opened the door and let her in. She looked at me, a question in her eyes and I looked away, unsure of how to start. Now that she was here with me I felt an overwhelming surge of shame at the nature of the things that were taking over my mind. I wanted to be the kind of man she wanted, n
eeded, but as time went by I was beginning to think that it was beyond my capabilities.
She was about to turn towards my lounge but instead I headed to the bedroom.
She hesitated and then followed me into my room sitting on the bed next to me.
I looked down at my hands and saw that they were still shaking. She noticed and took my hands in hers trying to calm me. It worked inasmuch as I felt less afraid.
“Thanks for coming when I called” I said my voice quivering.
“That’s what friends are for” she said smiling and rubbing my hands. I thought to myself that I wanted to be aroused by that gentle touch but my body did not seem to want to respond. I was confused as I so wanted to get closer to Susie. My dick remained totally unaffected and my temper began to rise again. I’m not a pervert! my mind screamed. Oh, you are so much worse than that, was the response I got, and I starting rocking and shaking with my need to deny it all.
“Was it your bad dreams again?” Susie asked tentatively reaching out to touch my arm.
“Yeah, except this time it was pretty bad, much worse than any before” I said. I leaned into her and she put an arm around my shoulder. This act of compassion was just too much.
All of a sudden I was overcome with everything that had happened to me. The accident, losing my memory, my body being broken, the possibility that Susie was falling for that Detective guy and most of all my inability to become aroused by my beautiful angel. I wanted her and needed her, why couldn’t I act on it? I was going to lose my only chance with her and it broke my heart.
The floodgates opened and I broke down in the most embarrassing fit of howling sobs. Susie put her arms around me, cooing sweet words in my ear, trying to calm my shuddering.
I clasped her desperately to me and let it all out. The desperation, the fear and the absolute feeling that there was a darkness in me that I relished on some level, all the while not wanting it to be true.
I looked into my Angels eyes, wanting to be in love, to make her happy. My soul yearned for another chance at a normal, steady future.
Images of terrible things flashed before my eyes. I screwed up my eyes tight, as if I could stop them if I tried hard enough. Where the fuck were all these images coming from? Was it brain damage or, god forbid, was it memories of my past life. If it were the latter then I was an evil, perverted fuck who didn’t deserve a happy ever after with someone as sweet as Susie.
At that thought I howled even louder. Susie was getting distraught by my breakdown. She was trying desperately to sooth me but to no avail.
I hugged her tighter, trying to get closer to her. I pulled her sideways onto the bed and began kissing her neck as she held me.
“Carl” she protested trying to push me off. She was no match for me.
“Please!” I cried out “Let me love you” I was desperate to find some softness within me and I wanted to express this to her. I continued to desperately kiss her face all over.
She tensed and for a moment I thought she would push me away and then suddenly she relaxed in my arms.
My lips found hers and I kissed her with everything I had. She didn’t fight me, although she didn’t really respond either. My heart was invested into that kiss but frustratingly my body still refused to react.
My tears were now free falling down my face. My misery must have been evident when I sat back as Susie reached up and stroked my face. She looked at me with compassion, not love and my frustrations hit a peak. I wasn’t foolish enough to think that she had suddenly changed her feelings towards me. Deep down I knew that she wanted the cop. I didn’t care at that moment. I needed her and wanted her and that was all that mattered.
I ignored the little voice that tried to remind me that I wanted something good for a change and that this would make that so much harder to achieve.
My lips thinned in determination. I didn’t care. I would make her love me. I was done with waiting.
I reached for the fastening on her jeans and had them off her before she realised what was happening. I pulled at her panties and they ripped.
Looking into her eyes I saw a flicker of fear and my dick suddenly sprang to life. It was an immediate reaction. I didn’t like the how of it one bit although I was going to make the most of it.
I pushed off my joggers and freed myself. I looked at Susie and she stared at me, still with a little fear in her eyes. I gave her one moment to refuse me and she kept still.
I surged forward entering her roughly. She cried out in discomfort. My dick loved it. It appeared that I got off on her fear. Her hot wet heat felt amazing and I pounded into her until I came almost brutally. I fell on top of her, my weight pinning her to the bed.
As we lay there I felt her shudder beneath me and lifted up. She was crying, quiet little sobs.
I sat up, aghast at what I had done. I had hurt her, made her fear me, and for what? A quick fuck? I tore myself away from her and sat at the end of the bed.
I was desolate. I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to think of something to say. I needed to make this right.
Susie leaned over the side of the bed reaching for her jeans. She struggled to get into them.
I pulled on my joggers and watched her uneasily. She had an awful look on her face.
“Susie, I...” I tried to start an apology. “I needed you and I am so sorry” I muttered, more tears falling down my face.
She looked at me then, a sadness in her eyes that made me flinch. My heart hardened against the hurt that was coming.
“It’s ok. What’s done is done” she was still trying to treat me with kindness after everything I had done to her. I had broken her trust in me, and for what? A quick fuck designed to make me feel better.
“Aaww shit Susie, don’t try to make me feel better. I should never have done that to you” I cried out. I buried my head in my hands.
She came over and put an arm around my shoulder. It was the gesture of a friend and she kept her body at a distance to me. Tears were still falling onto her cheeks. I was such a bastard.
“I don’t understand what you are going through Carl, but I do understand that for some reason you needed what we just did,” she said, another tear escaping her eye. “I do think you need to talk to someone about these nightmares. You can’t go on like this. Something’s got to give”.
“You might be right” I stood, feeling unsteady on my feet.
I looked at her, trying to search her expression for some clue that I had not just royally fucked up our friendship. I didn’t like what I saw in her eyes. My heart broke and hardened all the more. I could see my future fading away.
“I am just so fucking afraid that they are part of who I really am, and that is someone that I don’t want to be” I whispered, still holding onto hope.
“Do you want to tell me about them?” she asked.
“No!” I said. Telling Susie that I dreamed about torturing pretty girls, and fucking them in all sorts of ways, was not something I could ever express in detail to someone as delicate as Susie. She was not like them. They had meant nothing to me. Susie meant everything. I sat still in shock. I had just acknowledged to myself that these dream girls were real. I had to be careful.
“Ok. You don’t have to tell me about them, but think about seeing a professional. I do think you need some help with this” she headed towards the door. “How about some coffee?” she said changing the subject. Clever girl, moving on to more normal things. I nodded and smiled.
I followed her and we made coffee and sat in silence drinking it. I felt awkward and making small talk seemed like a pointless effort right now.
Once she had finished her coffee, she stood up.
“I’d better get going. I still have so much un-packing to do” she said.
“Do you want me to come and help?” I offered.
“No, I think I need the time on my own. Besides, I need to get some things ready for work tomorrow.” She headed towards the front door.
I reached out to
her before she went through the door.
“Susie, please don’t hate me” I said and my eyes beseeched her to forgive me.
She looked into my eyes and another tear fell “I don’t hate you, Carl, but you need someone other than just me to help you work through this. I am not strong enough” she squeezed my arm and left me standing there, feeling like the complete shit that I was.
Susie
I left Carl’s apartment in a daze. I had gone there to help a friend and he had taken complete advantage of me. I was angry at myself for not fighting him. I felt invaded and dirty. I wanted to be angry with him, however seeing his face just now I realised that he had not been himself. I berated myself for being so blind. I was a nurse for God’s sake, I should have seen how difficult Carl was finding things. I should have got him to a therapist earlier.
Now I would have to deal with what just happened. It changed everything. I took some responsibility for putting myself in such a stupid situation.
There was something very disturbing going on with him and my heart bled for him when he broke down in front of me. I wondered what was in these dreams that were freaking him out so much. He was just a bank teller, wasn’t he? What awful things could possibly have touched such a normal, and dare I say it, boring life.?
He was so desperate for some affection that when he pressed his intentions I found that I could not push him away. His eyes had been so intense and there was something in them that scared me. It was like looking into the eyes of a stranger, not the Carl that I knew. Then again, did I know the real Carl, or was he really the person I had glimpsed in his eyes. The one that scared me to death.
I didn’t want what he did, but at the same time I wanted to give him something that he obviously needed.
As he forced himself into me with such force and no preparation I could not help but cry out. My tears fell for what I knew I was losing with Ben. I would not be able to face him after this. It felt like I had betrayed him. At every plunge of Carls body into mine I felt I was being pushed further away from Ben. My heart broke as I grieved the loss of the promise of something special.