by Jill Knapp
“Hey, babe,” Bryce said giving Cassandra a quick peck.
She stood up from the barstool and immediately went in for a long hug. Annoyance pinged at how eager Cassie was to see Bryce. I realized I was being rude and turned to Hayden and gave him a small smile.
“Hi, Amalia, I’m Hayden.” He extended his hand to greet me.
“Nice to meet you, Hayden.” I accepted his light handshake.
He gave me a big smile, while holding onto my hand for a few seconds. His eye contact was strong, and his dark-green eyes were wide and youthful, which was a strong juxtaposition to the rest of his features, which were classic and masculine. An attraction immediately drew me, followed by a strong rush of annoyance. I didn’t need to feel attracted to anyone else right now, certainly not one of Bryce’s undoubtedly douche-bag friends. I pulled my hand away and suggested we get a table since the bar stools were quickly filling up.
“So, Amalia, do you have a new boyfriend yet?” Bryce said as he leaned over the table and passed me my drink.
“Nope, not yet, Bryce,” I said putting my annoyance in my tone. “I’m trying to work on myself right now.”
I reached for my wallet to pay him back for my drink, but he waved me away. Bryce and Cassandra had chosen to sit next to each other in the booth, so I was pressed up against Hayden. I was close enough to smell his cologne, or maybe it was his aftershave.
“Miss Amalia is going to Brazil this summer,” Bryce said.
“Oh really?” Hayden turned to me, seeming genuinely interested. “That’s amazing, I bet you’ll have a wonderful experience.”
“Yeah, I really can’t wait to go,” I uttered, wondering if that was still true.
“I’ll be stuck here in the city all summer,” said Cassandra, teasingly.
“There are worse places to be stuck,” said Bryce. “Like, anywhere else for example.”
“What do you mean?” Cassandra asked.
“I mean, I love it here. There’s so much to do at any given point in the day,” he offered.
“Sure,” I nodded, having to agree with him on that. “But don’t you feel like the city gets a little redundant after a while?”
“Redundant?” he asked, with an air of arrogance. “No, of course not.”
I should bow out of this conversation, before starting a fight with Cassie’s new love interest.
“I don’t want to live here my whole life,” Cassandra said. “This country is huge and I’ve always been a New Yorker. To me, living in another city or even a rural area seems exotic.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Bryce said, snickering. “If you moved somewhere else, you’d be incredibly bored after only a few months. I’m never moving out of Manhattan.”
This sentence shocked me. Sure, I loved Manhattan as much as the next twenty-three-year-old did, but the idea of being here my entire life seemed limiting.
“What exactly would I miss so much?” Cassandra challenged. “Hopefully in a few years I’ll be successful enough to be able to work from anywhere, or maybe I’ll change fields altogether.”
“You’d miss a lot, Cass,” he said, seeming irritated for having to defend New York City. “For one, you’d miss the nightlife. You’d definitely miss all of the restaurants and bars, and you’d really just miss all of the culture.”
“The culture?” I chimed in, crossing my arms.
“Yes, Amalia,” Bryce snapped. “The culture.”
“Staying in one place your entire life doesn’t make you cultured,” Cassandra said. “You’re shutting yourself off to real culture. Sure, Manhattan makes it easy for you. You have lots of different people living here, conveniently giving you little tastes of different lifestyles. But if you want to see real culture, you’re eventually going to have to leave the island, babe.”
Bryce looked stunned. This was the first time I’d ever seen Cassie talk back to him; evidently, it was the first time.
“So, Amalia,” Hayden said, desperate to change the subject. “Traveling aside, why are you single?”
“That’s such a hard question to answer!” I said, laughing. “I don’t have some major plan in mind, I’m just taking a little time to work on myself, I guess.”
“Don’t spend too long working on yourself,” Hayden said, offering me a weak smile.
I shook my head, caught off guard by this statement.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked, genuinely interested.
“You don’t want to spend too much time focusing on being alone, because if you meet a great person, you’ll end up passing them up.” He looked around the table.
I had the feeling this statement wasn’t only directed toward me. Maybe it was a cleverly hidden dig at Bryce, who had been dating Cassandra for about five months now with no sign of committing.
“He has a point,” Cassandra said as she swiped on a fresh coat of lip-gloss.
She and Bryce had moved on from their spat and were holding hands.
“Well, Hayden, do you have a girlfriend?” I asked.
Before he could answer, Bryce chimed in. “Nope, he is as single as they come!”
Bryce and Cassandra sat in the booth and stared at me with fake creepy smiles, and I realized it was official. I was being set up.
An hour later, Cassandra and Bryce made up some excuse about having to get up early and left Hayden and me alone at the bar for one more round.
“So what did Bryce mean when he said you’re as single as can be?” I asked.
Hayden and I were now at opposite ends of the booth, making our conversation less uncomfortable. He leaned back in his seat and contemplated this question.
Finally he said, “I’m tired of the games, you know? I’m at the point in my life where I want to settle down. I’m done with the dating scene and the work-obsessed girls I seem to attract. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m ready for the one.”
I let out a heavy sigh. The last man I heard talk this way was Nicholas.
“I used to feel that way,” I started and then realized I needed to take a break because I hadn’t spoken about Nicholas in a long time. “I was with someone who I believed to be my soul-mate.”
Hayden put his drink down and leaned over the table toward me.
“What happened?” he said with what seemed to be genuine concern.
“He left me, and now I’m broken,” I said, feeling the tears well up from behind my eyes. It was a pretty dramatic statement, but it was still how I felt.
Hayden reached over and put both of his hands on top of mine. I quickly pulled them away and wiped the tears away from my eyes.
“I know you feel that way now, but you won’t always. And it’s completely his loss. You should never have to spend all of your time chasing someone, even if it’s just the idea of someone. Or the idea of how they were. I truly meant what I said before,” he said as he motioned toward the server for the bill. “Don’t close yourself off from something that could be good because you get too lost in focusing on other things. You might not want it right now, but you don’t want to wake up a few months from now and realize you gave up a good thing.”
I couldn’t say anything. I was afraid if I opened my mouth to speak, I would cry.
As I walked home, I thought about what Hayden said. Was I pushing away the possibility of anything good or real? Was I scared of getting hurt again? I pushed the thoughts out of my head and reached into my purse for my cell phone. Maybe it was the conversation with Hayden, or maybe it was too many whiskey sodas, but I impulsively decided I had to see Michael. The phone rang three times and as I was about to hit “end”, he picked up.
“Amalia?” he said. “It’s after midnight, is everything all right?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine. Um, Michael?” I said with a shaky voice. “Is it all right if I come over?”
Chapter 22
Do you love him?
“So this movie we’re going to watch, are you sure it’s supposed to be good?” Michael asked as he crossed to the
couch and handed me an overflowing bowl of popcorn.
I playfully grabbed the bowl from him and scooped a generous amount into my hands.
“Yes,” I said, shoveling the snack into my mouth. “It’s about a young woman who studies abroad in Brussels, and within a few months her family stops hearing from her and she is presumed to have gone missing.”
“All right, Hastings, sounds like a chick flick, but I’ll give it a shot.” He clicked on the television and then handed me the remote to do the rest.
It was a Friday evening and Michael and I were watching a movie I had gotten from Netflix that morning instead of joining our friends at some club in the Meat Packing District. As we sat on the couch, I couldn’t help but notice how comfortable we were with each other. Michael must have noticed the stupid grin on my face, because he stopped eating his popcorn and asked me what I was smiling about.
“Nothing,” I said, still smiling. I could feel my face growing redder, the longer he kept his eyes on me. Every time we made eye contact, I felt a swarm of butterflies attack my stomach, tearing their way up into my chest.
“Nothing eh?” he asked while inching closer to me.
I refused to answer and kept my eyes glued to the television. Why did he have to be so adorable?
“Shush, it’s starting,” I said, trying not to laugh.
I raised the remote control to raise the volume, but Michael snatched it out of my hands.
“Hey!” I shouted, pretending to be outraged. “Give it back!”
“Oh you want this?” he asked as he waved the remote over his head. “Well then come and get it!”
I leaped forward on the couch and fell on top of him, causing both of us to topple over and land on the floor. I grabbed the remote, which had fallen out of Michael’s hands on the way down, and claimed victory. Before I could gloat, Michael was on top of me. He hovered over me in a push-up position and looked into my eyes. I dropped the remote and lifted my head up to meet his lips. His eyes locked onto mine and I playfully pushed him away.
“Stop trying to get out of watching this movie,” I said as I made my way back onto the couch.
As I hit play on the DVD player, I looked over at Michael and I realized something.
I was screwed.
“So how exactly does it work?” Olivia asked as she leaped over a small rock.
The beginning of February was still extremely cold outside, but in the early afternoon the weather was almost tolerable, so Olivia and I had decided to venture uptown and spend a few hours in Central Park.
“It just works, I guess,” I shrugged. “It almost works a little too well. For example, last night he came over and we watched a movie, like a total couple.”
Olivia stopped walking and took the opportunity to lean on a large tree.
“I need to take a break, I’m exhausted,” she said as she bent over trying to catch her breath.
“You need to stop smoking,” I declared as I planted myself on the tree next to hers.
“I know, I know,” she said passively as she waved her hand for emphasis. “Okay, back to you and Michael. Does he sleep over?”
“No, but I’ve stayed at his place before. He’s even made me breakfast.” I motioned to her to start walking again.
She let out a heavy sigh and reluctantly started walking. “No roommate?”
“No, he lives alone.”
“So you sleep over there and eat meals together. That’s so strange. I mean, are you two dating? Is he still with Marge?” Olivia asked, shaking her head.
These were not questions I hadn’t asked myself hundreds of times. I shook my head. “I don’t know if they’re still together, because he never talks about her. He doesn’t even have any pictures up in his apartment. You don’t think Alex knows about us, do you?”
Olivia stopped and cocked her head to the side. “There’s no way he knows. Hell, if you hadn’t told me, there’s no way I would know. Honestly, the two of you are so good at hiding this affair that if you didn’t show me the text messages, I probably would think you made the whole thing up!”
My blood ran cold. Affair. Was I the other woman? A sudden large rush of nausea was followed by a wave of guilt.
“Olivia, this is really bad isn’t it?” My hands shook. “I’m doing something really bad. Something kind of slutty.”
She put both her hands on my shoulders and pulled me in for a hug.
I gently pushed her back and asked again. “Am I a slut?”
“No.” she said calmly. “Of course not, Amalia.”
I shook my head and suggested we head back downtown. I felt the sudden urge to be anywhere else. Olivia and I walked in silence until we reached the entrance to the subway.
“Listen, I need to meet someone around here. Are you going to be all right by yourself?” she asked.
“You’re meeting someone, eh? Could it be your mystery boyfriend perhaps?” I asked jokingly. “He’s not married, right?”
She threw her hands up in the air in mock anger, and then started to laugh. “Yes, Amalia, he’s actually a state senator, so keep it quiet.” She rolled her eyes.
“Very funny. All right, I’ll call you tomorrow.” I turned and started to make my way down the stairs.
“Do you love him?” she asked.
The question caught me off guard. I stopped and let out a heavy puff of air. “What?” I asked, although I knew exactly what she was asking.
She took a step closer. “I said, do you love him?”
I didn’t know why, but I suddenly felt like I was on a game show and the answer to her questions would either ensure my win or my demise.
“Yes,” I said, with no more hesitation.
Of course I loved him. Why else would I put myself through all this aggravation?
“Then you’re not a slut,” she said with a small grin and a raised eyebrow.
I shook my head and made my way down the stairs. I wanted to go home, draw a bath and pour myself a glass of wine. Or maybe bourbon. I’m not a slut after all. How comforting.
Chapter 23
I just want you to be happy
“Do you want to go to Dos Caminos this Friday?” Cassandra asked, as she examined her freshly painted nails.
I had agreed to meet Cassie when I got out of class for a much-needed mani-pedi. Although I had to admit, since it was the dead of winter, I was more in it for the foot massage than the fresh coat of gloss on my toes. The nail salon we usually went to was packed to the brim, so we stumbled onto a much more secluded, and inexpensive, parlor on the Lower East Side.
“I can’t.” I looked down into the pool of blue water my feet were currently swimming in. “Friday night is Alex’s birthday, and a few of us are going out to Stumble Inn.”
Cassandra sighed dramatically. “I can’t believe you’d rather go out for that pretentious douche’s birthday than come out to dinner with me and the new love of your life, Hayden.” She swirled her right foot around in the perfumed water.
I couldn’t help but laugh, but quickly changed my expression when I saw she was not joking.
“Cass! Hayden and I had one conversation, and I told you he’s not really what I’m looking for right now.”
“Unfortunately, my dear, what you’re looking for is currently unavailable. I think it’s time to broaden your horizons.” She gave me an all-knowing look.
I was growing increasingly annoyed by this conversation. I didn’t understand why Cassie was so insistent on shoving Hayden down my throat.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with Michael. I’m just not ready for a relationship with someone new right now. The pain of Nicholas is still fresh, and I am very confused as to what I want right now. I don’t think it would be fair to drag someone new into all of this, excuse the term, drama.” I handed the manicurist the bottle of red polish I had picked out.
“I think you just don’t want to add any more guys to your number,” she said, looking down at her toes.
“What?” I
asked, although I had a feeling I knew what she was talking about.
“The number of guys you slept with,” she raised an eye-brow. “What was Michael? Number five?”
She was correct. There had been my high-school boyfriend, the guy I thought would become my college friend, my actual college boyfriend, Nicholas, and Michael.
“Yup,” I snapped. “Number five.”
“I’m sorry, Amy.” Cassie reached over to my chair and squeezed my arm. “I just want you to be happy.”
That phrase was one of my least favorite in the English language, followed closely by “At least”. For one, it implied I was unhappy, or worse, I was some sort of project people could take on and transform.
I thought back to my high-school boyfriend, Danny. We had one of those on-again, off-again, relationships that lasted for about three years. It was truly exhausting. I had spent the majority of senior year dragging him around with me to places he didn’t want to be. Too naïve at the time to realize this wasn’t how relationships were supposed to be, I put up with his aloofness. His wandering eye. His reaction to the biggest night of our adolescent lives, when we lost our virginity to each other. After the deed was done, he kissed me on the forehead and said he had to go home because his mom was making dinner. I asked him if we could talk later, and he assured me he’d be home all night. Two hours later I freaked out and needed to talk to him. His mom said he had left for the night with his friends about an hour ago. She didn’t know what time he’d be back.
Even after that little display of un-affection, I continued to date him for a few more months until we got into a blow-out fight at Cassandra’s graduation party. I had caught him openly making fun of the college I was going to (as if Rutgers was a bad school) to some skanky girl who couldn’t have been older than fifteen. I knew right then and there that I never wanted to speak to Danny again. And after that night, I never did.
In an attempt to change the subject and stop reliving the past, I asked Cassandra where Bryce was taking her for Valentine’s Day.