“It’s a start,” he muttered, drying his hair with a towel.
He must have just come from the shower. She could smell the scent of her soap on his skin. Another flood of memories unexpectedly assailed her, confusing her.
She scrambled into bed and pulled up the covers. “H-how’s R.T.?”
“He’s terrified.”
“Of what exactly?”
“Cynthia wants to make love and he doesn’t.”
“Why? They adore each other.”
“That’s why,” he ground out, tossing the towel onto the nearest chair. Then he turned off the light. “He’s afraid he won’t be able to perform as he once did. He’s afraid she’ll be turned off by his skinny body. He doesn’t look like he used to, and he’s afraid she’s only pretending to love him out of pity.”
“She sees past that,” Rosie said with conviction. “You saw, you heard her joy when R.T. appeared in the foyer. Pity was the last thing on her mind.”
“It doesn’t matter what we know.” She felt his side of the bed dip as he slid beneath the covers. “R.T. isn’t convinced.”
Nick’s tone of voice haunted Rosie. “What advice did you give him?”
“To ask her if it would be all right if they just held each other all night because he needed time to realize that this is real, not a dream.”
Hot tears squeezed out of her eyes. “Do you think he’ll take your advice?”
“He always does. I’m figuring Cynthia’s a smart woman. I imagine ten or fifteen minutes is all she’ll need to convince him of her love…as only a wife who has known her husband intimately can do.”
A tight band constricted her breathing. “D-do you want to hold me, Nick?”
“No. The idea of a sacrificial lamb has never appealed.”
She winced in pain at the swift retort. It didn’t seem possible that they could be saying such hurtful things to each other, not after the kind of marriage they’d once shared.
“The next time I hold a woman, it will be because our love is mutual.”
A woman? What did he mean?
“I still love you, Nick,” she whispered. “I always will.”
“I believe that. It’s the only reason I’m lying here right now. But the difference is I’m still in love with the Rosie I left behind. The new Rosie is a stranger—one, furthermore, who’s in love with another man. I’ve had all day and night for the dream to die.
“Tomorrow morning, after I’ve been to the hospital, I plan to consult a good divorce attorney.”
“Divorce?”
She cringed, her heart pounding. She hadn’t even considered such a thing. She hadn’t been able to think beyond the moment.
“It was the first question Cody asked me on our bike ride today. He wanted to know if we were getting a divorce. When I thought about it, I realized it was a perfectly natural question. You can’t marry Zach while you’re still married to me.” A long silence ensued. “Rosie?” he prodded. “Did you hear what I said?”
“Y-yes,” came her ragged whisper. He hadn’t been home twenty-four hours. Could he really be discussing divorce—and discussing it so…so unemotionally?
“Then we need to get it under way as soon as possible. I can’t promise you’ll be free by the wedding date you’ve chosen, but I’ll do everything in my power to get our divorce through quickly. I should think that seven years of no history between us will speed up the process.
“As for our son, gut instinct tells me it might be better if I stay here for a while longer. It will give Cody a little time to accept our situation. But I’ll leave that decision up to you.”
Cody’ll never accept it.
I don’t accept it.
All at once a terrible anger caused her to throw back the covers and jump to her feet. “Nick, why are you talking about this on your first night home?”
“Why do you think?” he responded blandly. “You should know me by now. At least, you used to know me. I’ve always been a realist. In that regard, I haven’t changed. You’re engaged to be married, and I came back from the dead. Two irreconcilable facts.”
Rosie started to shake and couldn’t stop. “It’s too soon to talk about…about these things. Y-you need time…therapy…”
“I agree we can all benefit from therapy, but I’m not in the mood right now.” He got to his feet and they faced each other across the bed in the darkness.
“As for time, I’ve had seven years to think. What I want at this point is to build a new life for myself. Since I’ve lost my wife, naturally I’m eager to start dating other women with the hope of remarriage and more children down the road. Can you understand that?”
Oh, yes, she could understand that. It sounded like he couldn’t wait! And there wasn’t a woman alive who’d be immune to his charm.
Hardly able to breathe, she murmured, “Of course.”
“There’s just one problem, Rosie. The kind of woman I want to end up with wouldn’t dream of dating a married man. Therefore, like you, I need to be free first. In both our cases, there’s no time to lose.”
She couldn’t fault his reasoning or his needs.
They made perfect sense.
He had every right!
She had absolutely no right.
She was devastated.
CHAPTER SEVEN
THE SILENCE FROM ROSIE told him he’d hit a nerve. But after weighing the situation carefully, he’d decided there was only one way to stop his pain. His marriage to Rosie had been too wonderful to consider enduring anything less. It was all or nothing.
“Rosie? There’s something else I want to make clear right now. I have no hard feelings against Zach. On the contrary. Since he’s going to be the other man in Cody’s life, I’d like to meet him sometime. You can tell the poor devil he doesn’t have to tiptoe around me. The more civilized we all are, the better it’ll be for our son, whom I firmly believe should live with you after the divorce.
“Speaking of Cody, will it be all right if I pick him up after school tomorrow? Don’t worry. I know you have classes to teach and you’ll need your car. Mom and Dad will be here for a few more days, and I’ll use theirs.”
“Nick—stop it!” she blurted, her cheeks fiery hot. “Tonight isn’t the night to talk about the future. I’m not going to work tomorrow. I want to hear about your life. I want to help you.”
“I know you do. But I told you pretty much everything at the dinner table. Anything else isn’t fit for human consumption. The ways people have figured out to torture one another aren’t worthy of remembering. I promised myself that if I ever got out of that cell, I’d embrace life and never look back.”
“How did you get out?”
Pleased she’d thawed enough to be curious, he said, “I suppose when the United Nations inspection teams started snooping around Saddam Hussein’s installations after the war, word got out that he’d kept some prisoners no one knew about. R.T. and I were two of the lucky ones released.”
“You mean there could be more?” she said, aghast.
“Maybe.”
“Oh, Nick! That’s so horrible, so awful!” He couldn’t see her face, but she sounded as if she was crying.
For a moment, the old Rosie was back in the room, her compassionate heart bleeding all over the place.
“It could drive me mad if I ever really thought about it, which I’m not going to do. Instead, I plan to raid the refrigerator. Do you mind?”
“No,” came her pain-filled whisper. “This is your house, too. Bought and paid for with money you earned for us.
“Nick, instead of consulting an attorney tomorrow, why don’t you call Jerry Moore and see about getting your old job back at the brokerage house? You were their whiz kid before. I’m sure that with a little refresher course you’d work your way to the top again.”
“I appreciate your confidence in me, sweetheart. If that was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life—if Salt Lake was where I intended to put down new roots,” he said, taking an
enormous plunge, “it’s possible that would all work out.”
Another long silence. Another curve ball she hadn’t seen coming. This was one time, he reflected, that her keen mathematical mind was of little use to her. But he had to move on with his life. So did she. Her life had been a living hell, too. It was time for all the pain to end.
“Are you thinking of moving?” She couldn’t have feigned the alarm in that question. It was something to cherish.
“That’s right.”
“But St. George wouldn’t give you the broad base of clients you need.”
“Who said anything about St. George?”
She sounded at a total loss for words. “I—I just assumed that if you were going to relocate, you’d probably want to be near your parents.”
“St. George is too close a reminder of the desert. In the last seven years I’ve lost my taste for it.”
“I’m sorry,” she rushed to apologize. “I didn’t think— Forgive me, Nick.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. Are you hungry for some scalloped potatoes?”
“No.” The word sounded abrupt, as if she’d lost patience with him.
“I could eat the whole pan.”
“Wait—”
Nick paused at the door. She sounded almost frantic, a sign that he was still rocking her foundations.
“What do you plan to do for a living? Where will you go?”
“I want to work in the out-of-doors.”
Quiet again. Then, “You’re kidding.”
“Not at all.”
She made a sound of exasperation. “Doing what?”
“Maybe working a small ranch somewhere in the mountains. I have several ideas, but that’s all they are right now.”
“But you know the market like the back of your hand! Be serious, Nick!”
“My days of sitting in a claustrophobic office watching stocks fluctuate on my computer are over. That’s not living, Rosie.
“Before I say good-night, there’s something else I have to tell you.” He paused, gathering his resolve. “I may have only spent one day with Cody, but it was enough to realize what a superb mother you’ve been to our son.”
His voice was shaking, but he had to finish saying what was in his heart.
“I’m proud of you, Rosie. Proud of what you’ve accomplished and become, proud of the beautiful home you’ve made. I love you for keeping close family ties with my parents, for giving them the opportunity to stay in your life. I’m sorry everyone has fought you so hard where Zach is concerned.
“Now that I’m home, all that’s going to change. Don’t worry about Mom and Dad or Cody. Just give me a little more time with them, and everything will be fine.
“Since I have trouble sleeping, I’ll probably stay up half the night watching TV in the living room. Ignore any weird noises coming from there. R.T. tells me my dreams get pretty wild, but I doubt they’re any worse than his. I suppose Cynthia is going to go through her initiation tonight. At least I can spare you the worst of it. See you in the morning.”
“GOOD MORNING. I’m Rosie Armstrong. I have an appointment with Linda Beams.”
“She’s expecting you, but she’s with someone else at the moment. She asked me to give you this to read while you wait.”
Rosie thanked the uniformed officer at the front desk and sat down with the small leaflet. Her eyes were swollen almost shut from crying. At first she had to squint to make out all the letters.
FOR FAMILIES OF LOVED ONES COMING HOME FROM WAR.
STRATEGIES FOR HELPING MY LOVED ONES AND MYSELF.
Educate yourself on what to expect when your loved one returns home. Acknowledge your fears that he or she may come home as someone who is “different” in certain ways.
Recognize the veteran for participating honorably in the war.
Communicate an attitude of “I care,” and “I am here for you.”
Be an empathetic listener. Sometimes the individual may not feel the full impact of what has happened for days, weeks, months or sometimes years. When your loved one is ready to talk or “debrief,” listen without making judgments, moralizing or trying to “make it better.”
At times, loved ones will prefer to debrief with professionals or other veterans, instead. This is often necessary because they fear what may happen if they open their hearts too fully to the pain. They may also want to protect their loves ones from this pain.
Allow the returnee to adjust and reenter at his or her own pace.
Recognize that change comes slowly. Be supportive, but don’t push.
Become involved in support groups as quickly as possible.
Some common questions and responses you can pose to returnees include:
“What are you feeling?” vs “Are you okay?”
“You must be experiencing all kinds of emotions now.”
“I know this is hard to talk about, but it’s important to talk.”
“What was the hardest part of everything for you?”
Many returnees will find it hard to respond to these questions, and many will avoid such discussions sometimes. Yet, the process of debriefing on some level—whether with family, friends or in a structured support setting—is crucial to a healthy reentry and healing process.
Become aware of the many emotions you yourself are experiencing and find healing ways to release these feelings. Prepare your family in advance for what they may experience with the returning veteran.
Keep a daily journal of your thoughts and feelings.
Pray. Talk to your clergy if you find it comforting.
Seek professional assistance whenever you feel overwhelmed and debilitated by the stress and emotional impact of the changes you are experiencing.
Observe children and adolescents carefully for signs of emotional distress. They may feel guilt, confusion, anger and a sense of helplessness around the returning veteran. They may feel loneliness and a sense of emotional abandonment.
Exerci—
“Hi, Rosie. It’s been a long time.”
At the sound of Linda’s voice, she lifted her head.
“Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.”
“Anytime. Come on in.”
She followed the older woman into her office and sat down opposite her desk. Linda eyed her frankly.
“Your message was bittersweet. Out of the blue your husband has miraculously returned—minus a hand. And at the same time you’re on the brink of being married again. I’d say that the stress in your lives has been magnified a thousandfold overnight.”
Rosie nodded, rocking back and forth on the hard chair, her hands clasped around her knees. “According to the leaflet, I’ve committed almost every major sin in the lot, including one not even mentioned.”
Linda’s brows lifted expressively. “The leaflet addresses the issues facing a returning vet, not necessarily a POW. There are some differences.
“In your case you had no advance warning that he was alive, no time to prepare for his arrival. You need to forgive yourself for any mistakes you feel you’ve made, and learn from them. You also need to forgive yourself for falling in love with another man.
“If that becomes impossible to do, then I suggest you seek psychiatric help. Though I’m here for general support, my work as a thanatologist deals mainly with grieving veterans and their families. You need a specialist to help you cope with your new situation. But let’s put those considerations aside and discuss where you are emotionally and mentally at this moment.”
“I wish I knew, Linda.”
“How is your fiancé reacting?”
“He’s in agony. He left for California yesterday. I need to phone him, but…”
“But you don’t know what to say,” Linda finished for her. “At this stage, you can’t possibly have answers since you don’t even know the questions.”
“Exactly.”
“Some time apart won’t hurt your relationship, and it will give all of you space to think. Let’s talk about
PTSD—post-traumatic stress disorder. Turn to the back of the leaflet and read the list of symptoms. Then we’ll discuss them in terms of your husband.”
Rosie took five minutes and did as she suggested, then shook her head. “Except for a few points, Nick doesn’t seem to be showing these signs. If you’d heard the things he said last night, you would never have known he’d been a POW for six and a half years.”
“Tell me.”
Again Rosie found herself revealing some of the pertinent dialogue.
“Now can you understand why I’m so shaken? He’s shown no anger over my engagement to Zach. In fact, he’s reconciled to it. He has no confusion of identity, no loss of self-esteem. I see no signs of helplessness or confusion.
“He’s very open about having disturbing dreams, but isn’t preoccupied over the loss of his hand. He eats constantly. There’s no diminished enjoyment of life or activities, no alienation from his parents or Cody. He has plans. He…” Rosie faltered. “A-all I can say is, his emotional health is far better than mine.”
“Wait a minute. Let’s back up. Tell me what you were going to say after you said, ‘He has plans.’”
Rosie averted her eyes. “He wants to start divorce proceedings as soon as possible. He wants to get on with his life. He used to be a stockbroker. Now he wants to be a rancher!”
Linda sat back in her chair, tapping the pencil against the desktop. “How does that make you feel?”
“I—I know how I should feel,” she muttered. “He has every right.”
“We’re not talking about ‘shoulds’ and ‘rights’ here. I’m asking you point-blank, what’s going on inside that psyche of yours?”
“I guess I’m feeling hurt.”
“And?”
“And angry.”
“And?
She sucked in her breath. “And betrayed.”
“Interesting. I would say that’s a good place to start. Getting in touch with your own feelings. Once you understand them, then you’ll know how to proceed.”
“But what about Nick?”
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