by Lynn, JB
“No.” I couldn’t imagine anyone ever interviewing her about her psychic matchmaking business. “He’s a crime reporter. He wants to talk to you about the robbery.”
“At my home?”
“You said nothing was stolen,” I reminded her.
“Oh yeah, but if he did it at my place instead of the B&B I could show him my collection of…toys.”
I rolled my eyes. “He wants to ask you about the Soliloquy robbery. What do you want me to tell him?”
“Tell him yes, of course. Who’d pass up a chance to spend some one-on-one time with that hulka, hulka burning love?”
“It’s hunk of,” I corrected.
She tossed her hair, annoyed I was bothering her with details. “Huh?”
“It’s hunk of burning love. If he was a hulk of burning love, he’d be green,” I explained.
“If you say so.” Her tone made it clear that she didn’t believe me, but I figured it wasn’t a battle worth fighting. I didn’t like her when she was angry.
I pulled over to the side of the road and opened my door.
“Okay, okay, you’re right. It’s hunk.” Her voice stretched thin with alarm. “You can’t just leave me here on the side of the road.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “I have to make a call to get my dad picked up. I’ll be right back.”
I hopped out of the car, closed the door, and strode a few paces away before dialing my uncle.
“Maggie!” Thurston answered on the second ring, a smile in his voice. “So nice to hear from you.”
I felt a twinge of guilt for suspecting him of being an armed robber. “Sorry, but I’m not calling to chat. I need you to pick up your brother.”
There was a silence.
“Hello?” I said, wondering if the call had been dropped.
“Archie’s in town?” Now, I could hear a frown in his voice.
“Yes. I left him at the diner.”
“So, he took Manetti’s bait and came back to town.”
“It would appear so.” Manetti had offered a lot of bait between removing my mother from the mental facility where she lives and tangling with Thurston at the zoo.
“Archie’s a fool. Manetti’s not someone to mess with.”
I agreed with Thurston that my father had been manipulated by the ex-con, but there was nothing to do about it now that he was here. “You’ll get him?”
Thurston sighed. “Fine. But I’m not responsible for keeping him out of trouble.”
I chuckled. “No one can keep him out of trouble. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I got back into the car.
“Done with your secret call?” Armani asked.
“Private, not secret,” I countered.
“So, how’s your private private eye work going?” Armani asked.
“I need you to tell me more about this no-show date of yours. Is he the one who suggested meeting at Soliloquy?”
“Yeah. He’s a fan of their mushroom risotto.” She made a face. “How could anyone be a fan of fungi?”
This from the woman who eats chicken and the sea.
“Did he tell you anything that might help me identify him? Maybe you saw something in the background of his profile picture? Or he mentioned a place he likes to frequent?”
She sat quietly for a minute. “I’ve got nothing. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be.”
I got Armani settled in the B&B and then went to check on Mike. The crow was sleeping with his head tucked under his uninjured wing.
“How’s he doing?” I asked Piss on a whisper.
“Better, sugar. He’s tired, but Mr. Tough Guy admitted he’s in less pain,” the cat purred approvingly.
“Did you track down the scoundrel who caused injury to our comrade?” God asked from his terrarium as I put Benny back into his cage.
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Have you been watching black-and-white movies again?”
The TV-loving lizard stared at me haughtily. “Why would you say that?”
“You just used scoundrel and comrade without any sense of irony.”
“And you didn’t answer the question,” he replied, dodging my observation.
“No. I haven’t found out who shot Mike.”
“Why not? There’s a menace loose in the neighborhood. They must be brought to justice.”
“And I’ll get to it,” I promised tiredly, “but I had other fires to put out.”
“Fire?” DeeDee whined worriedly.
“Not an actual fire,” I reassured her.
She cocked her head to the side and eyed me quizzically.
“Don’t worry about it,” I told her dismissively.
“That means,” God said snarkily, “that she has no idea how to explain a figure of speech to a creature who couldn’t master basic sentence structure.”
“Did you take your nasty pills?” Piss hissed at the lizard, flexing her front claws.
He dove behind his driftwood for protection and fell silent.
“What were the fires, sugar?” the cat asked.
I told her about Jack, and Patrick, and Archie and Thurston.
“So, what are you going to do about him?” God asked when I was done.
“Archie? Nothing. He’s on his own.”
“Great plan,” the lizard said slowly, “but you do know you’re going to get sucked in, don’t you?”
“I know, but I’m going to nurse the fantasy that I can stay uninvolved for as long as I can.”
“Because burying your head in the sand always works so well,” God pointed out.
I ignored him. It was my plan, and I was sticking to it.
Chapter Nine
Armani used Marlene’s phone to log in to the dating site where she’d met her Soliloquy date. Not surprisingly, there was no trace of him there.
“Now what?” Armani asked, sitting on Katie’s old princess bed.
I couldn’t believe I was saying it, but the words slipped out of my mouth. “Maybe I should pull some tiles.”
She nodded excitedly, pointing to the purple cloth bag on top of the dresser.
I grabbed it, gave it a good shake, and reached inside.
Then the doorbell rang.
Answering the B&B’s door is always fraught with uncertainty. You never knew who’d be on the other side, maybe a cop, or maybe a criminal, or, as it ended up being in this case, a criminally-hot goody two shoes holding a quart of sour pickles.
Angel Delveccio leaned against the doorway. A slow sexy smile spread across his face when I opened the door. “Hi, Maggie.”
“Angel!” I kind of squeaked the word, caught off-guard by his arrival.
Behind me, I could hear Armani cooing, “Ooh la la.”
He raised his eyebrows.
“Armani,” I said as way of explanation.
He nodded with a knowing smile. “I was at the pickle shop and thought of you.” He offered me the fermented cucumbers.
“Thank you. Come in.” I took the gift and ushered him inside. “You’re a medical professional. Can I ask your opinion on something?”
Leaning close, he murmured in my ear, “If you want to play doctor, all you have to do is ask.”
My heartbeat tripled, everything tingled, and I definitely wasn’t taking in enough oxygen as I imagined playing doctor with him.
He swiped a finger down my burning cheek. “You look like you might have a fever, Maggie.”
I jumped away from him before I collapsed into a puddle. “I’m not the patient.”
He pouted, clearly disappointed, but then said with concern, “Is it Katie?”
“No, no, she’s fine.” I felt a twinge of guilt for worrying him about my niece, his former patient. “This way.” I led him toward the basement.
Armani intercepted us. “Hi, Angel.”
“Hi.”
She eyed the pickles. “You guys have the weirdest courting rituals.”
Angel chuckled. “I’ve got to do something t
o hold this one’s attention.”
“You’d think just holding her would do that.” She tapped his pecs playfully. “A big strong man like you.”
I rolled my eyes and continued on to the basement, hoping that he’d follow.
“Gotta, gotta,” DeeDee said in greeting when I opened the door to the basement.
“Just a sec,” I told her.
“Angel!” she barked, catching sight of the man behind me. She barreled into me, almost causing me to fall down the stairs, as she hurried to greet him.
Thankfully, Angel’s reflexes were faster than mine and he grabbed my arm and yanked me back against his chest to keep me from tumbling. “Armani’s not wrong about the holding thing,” he murmured against the top of my head, which turned my legs to jelly and made it that much more challenging for me to find my footing.
Finally, I regained control, stood firmly, and pulled away from him. DeeDee immediately took my spot, providing a much-needed respite from Angel.
“Sugar,” Piss began. “That man—”
I gave her a sharp look, effectively silencing her.
Hurrying down the stairs, I put the pickles down on a table and made my way over to Mike.
“Hey, toots,” he cawed enthusiastically.
“Do you have a bird now, too?” Angel asked disbelievingly.
“Just temporarily,” I replied, turning on the light and illuminating the black feathers of the crow.
“Can you check him out?”
“Check him out?” Angel asked, stuffing his hands in his pockets to illustrate he wasn’t going to touch the bird. The move made the muscular man look surprisingly vulnerable. “I’m a physical therapist, not a vet.”
“Actually, because of his Navy service, he is a vet of sorts,” God opined from his terrarium.
“Shot?” DeeDee asked nervously, obviously afraid that Angel was the kind of vet who gives shots.
“Not that kind of vet, you imbecile,” God muttered.
“You’re the one who muddied her mental waters,” Piss accused.
I glanced over at Angel, who looked a bit overwhelmed by the whining dog, meowing cat and squeaking lizard.
“He’s been shot,” I explained, pointing to Mike. “Can you take a look at it?”
“I don’t need no stinking vet,” Mike declared in his toughest tough guy voice.
Jumping back, Angel frowned. “He looks like he’ll take my finger off.”
“He’s not going to hurt you,” I assured them both.
I picked up the bird, cradled him in one arm, and gently lifted his wing to expose the wound to Angel.
“I’m fond of my fingers,” he said, grudgingly moving closer to peer at my handiwork.
“I removed a BB,” I told him as he conducted his examination visually, still keeping his hands crammed in his pockets.
“But she hasn’t yet brought the perpetrator of the crime to justice,” God complained from atop his driftwood.
Mike groaned softly as Angel finally, carefully, prodded the area around the injury.
“Fingers,” Angel reminded me. “I don’t want to lose any.”
“Does it hurt terribly?” Piss asked, winding her way between my legs.
“Not as much as before,” the bird answered. “But I need to get my strength back.”
Angel withdrew his hand at the crow’s squawking and took a step back. “I’m no expert on avian surgery, but you seem to have done an adequate job. “Has his range of motion been affected?”
I changed my hold on the bird, allowing him to perch lightly on my arm. “Can you stretch out your wing?”
He moved slowly and carefully to extend both his wings. His feathers rustled as he spread them, but he didn’t make any pained sounds.
“Amazing,” Angel whispered, eyes wide. “It’s like he understood you.”
Mike cocked his head to the side and stared at the man, nodding his head.
Startled, Angel took another step back and promptly tripped over DeeDee, who was hovering just behind him. The two did an awkward dance with Angel trying to stay upright and the dog trying to get out of his way.
“Hungry,” DeeDee whined, eyeing the pickles.
“I thought you ‘gotta, gotta’,” God mocked.
“I could do with some chow, too,” Mike mused aloud.
“Do you think I should feed him?” I asked Angel, who once again seemed a bit overwhelmed by the animals’ cacophony.
He shrugged. “I guess so.”
“Bread?” Mike requested hopefully.
“Bone?” DeeDee placed her order.
“Live crickets,” God chimed in.
Angel blinked.
“They’re hungry,” I explained.
He nodded, slightly shell-shocked by the onslaught. “Maybe I should go.” He began to back toward the stairs slowly as though he thought the horde was about to attack him.
“You don’t have to,” I began, but he was already sprinting up the stairs. “Thanks for the pickles!” I called after him as I watched his cute butt disappear from view, I wondered if the menagerie had scared him off for good. If they had, I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. Sometimes we want things that aren’t best for us and I wasn’t convinced that Angel, as sexy and as perfect as he was, was a good match for me.
“Sugar,” Piss began. “That man—”
My phone rang, interrupting her.
I put Mike down and answered the call without looking at the caller I.D.
“Hello?”
“Maggie? Is that you?”
I sighed. “Yes, Aunt Leslie. It’s me. You dialed my number.” Loretta’s twin was a bit of a ditz, even when she isn’t high, and often seems to not quite get what is going on around her.
“Have you talked to Susan?”
“Not since she and Griswald left,” I admitted, remembering the concerns of Brian Griswald, Templeton, and Loretta.
“She won’t call me back,” Leslie complained. “And it’s an emergency.”
“What kind of emergency?” I asked, mildly alarmed. “Where are you?”
“In the kitchen.”
I ran up the stairs toward the kitchen. The last time she’d had an emergency there, she’d almost burned the house to the ground.
I burst into the kitchen and found Leslie staring forlornly into the refrigerator.
“What’s wrong?” I gasped breathlessly.
“We’re out of horseradish.”
“That’s your emergency?”
“Well, Susan usually makes sure the fridge is fully stocked.”
“I’ll pick some up later,” I said, remembering my promise to Susan to keep the B&B afloat during her absence.
Leslie closed the refrigerator and threw her arms around me. “You’re the best, Maggie. What would we do without you?”
“Apparently starve,” Piss meowed having followed me to the kitchen. “The natives downstairs are going to stage a revolt if they’re not fed soon.”
Extricating myself from Leslie’s embrace, I told her, “Why don’t you go take a nap? You look tired.”
“Excellent idea. You’re such a good girl.” Leslie patted my cheek and ambled out of the kitchen.
“Bread for Mike, a bone for DeeDee. What do you want?” I asked Piss.
“Nothing for me, sugar. I have to keep my girlish figure. I’ll tell the hungry hordes you’re on your way with rations.” She trotted back down to the basement.
While I gathered the food, I dialed Susan’s number. It went to voicemail.
“Hi, Aunt Susan. It’s me. Hope you and Lawrence are having a great time. Everything’s fine, but if you could give me a call back so that I can reassure everyone that you’re okay, that would be great. Thanks.”
I disconnected the call, trying to ignore the worry gnawing at the pit of my stomach.
Chapter Ten
After feeding everyone, I went next door to visit Katie.
As I waited for the door to be answered after I rang the bell, I remembered
Mike’s concern that Darlene was acting squirrelly. A concern that seemed legitimate when Darlene asked through the door, “Are you alone?”
“Yes.”
She opened the door and waved me in, looking past me to survey the street.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, frowning.
She widened her eyes innocently when she finally looked at me. “Nothing.”
“Liar.”
“Leave it alone, Maggie,” she warned.
Her coldness felt like a slap, and my spine stiffened in response. “Maybe I can help.”
“I’ve got it under control,” she assured me in an icy tone.
I crossed my arms over my chest and gave her a hard look. “If there’s anything that’s endangering Katie, I need to know.”
She softened a bit at my protective tone. “She’s safe. I promise. I’d never endanger her or my girls.”
“Aunt Maggie!” Katie ran up and threw her arms around my legs.
Bending, I scooped her up into a bear hug. “Hi there, baby girl.”
“Can we go for ice cream?”
Darlene said, “One track mind this one has.” Chuckling, she walked away.
“Can we? Can we?” Katie begged.
I shook my head. “The ice cream store is closed.” I didn’t tell her that the ice cream store wouldn’t be reopening since there were body parts in the soft serve and someone had killed the owner while he’d been trying to kill me.
“Can we play Go Fish then?” Katie asked.
“You bet.” I was relieved by her suggested alternative. Even if she was known for cheating.
“Can we play with Dominic and his grandpa?”
“Not today,” I answered automatically.
“Soon?” she pleaded.
“We’ll see.” I couldn’t exactly promise her a play date with Delveccio the mobster and his grandson.
Thankfully, she dropped it and promptly trounced me in five games of Go Fish before she grew tired of my company, preferring to play with her cousins, Darlene’s daughters.
Taking my private private eye duties seriously, I decided to stake out Armani’s place that night to see if the tattooed member of the Licks returned to the scene of the crime.
I floated the plan to the animals to see who wanted to come along. Since Mike was on the mend, and Benny was still recovering from the traumatic race to The Corset, it was decided that God, Piss, and DeeDee would accompany me.