by Lynn, JB
“Do not move,” I repeated, rushing toward Marlene to clean up the shards.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Armani slide down to the floor as she began to wail.
I hesitated for a second, torn between wanting to comfort my friend and protect my sister from injury.
Making an executive decision, I threw my arms around Marlene’s waist, lifted her off her feet, and stumbled backward.
“What the hell, Maggie?” Marlene gasped, surprised as I crushed her to me and dragged her off.
Once we were out of the debris field, I plunked her back down. “Be careful,” I warned, breathless from the exertion.
I turned to take care of Armani.
“It’ll be okay,” I told her.
“They didn’t warn me. They’ve deserted me. I’m all alone!” Armani wailed.
“Who didn’t warn her? About what?” Marlene asked.
“Can you give us a minute?” I waved her out of the room. “Go put on shoes before you get hurt.”
Grudgingly, she walked out of the kitchen, sending one last curious glance backwards.
I knelt beside Armani and put my hand on her shoulder. “You’re not alone.”
“My spirit guides have abandoned me,” she sobbed.
“I’m sure that’s not true.” I patted her arm.
“Then why didn’t they warn me?”
“Maybe they’re distracted?”
She cried harder.
“Or maybe it’s because you weren’t in danger,” I hurriedly added. “You were here. Perfectly safe.”
“But my home, my stuff…”
“Can be replaced,” I assured her. “Trust me, I know what it’s like to lose all your physical possessions.”
“Your apartment,” she remembered aloud.
“Yup. Gone. But I rebuilt.”
“Because you had someplace to go.”
I shook her gently. “And you, silly, are already here. You’ve got my whole crazy family to support you.”
She wiped away her tears with the sleeve of her shirt. “Not to mention the entire menagerie.”
“The menagerie is family, too,” I told her.
“I’m going to vomit from this nauseating treacle,” God piped up.
Armani’s eyes grew wide. “What did he say?”
“That you’re family, too,” I lied smoothly.
That brought a small smile to her lips.
The doorbell rang.
I stood and helped her to her feet. “That’s probably the cops coming to inform you that there’s been a fire.”
She swayed unsteadily. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Go sit in the dining room, and I’ll answer the door.” As she limped off toward the dining room and I headed for the foyer, God said, “You do realize you’ll never be rid of her now, don’t you?”
“I do,” I muttered.
Chapter Thirteen
After hours of dealing with Armani’s house fire and endless questions from Detective Brian Griswald, who seemed fixated on the idea I knew more than I was telling him, I finally got Armani to bed and headed down to the basement to get some much needed sleep.
“This place is always crawling with cops, Maggie May,” a voice complained as I tiredly shuffled down the stairs.
I glared at my dad, who was sitting alone on the sofa.
DeeDee and Piss were huddled together at the base of the steps, as though providing a wall of protection between me and my father.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I told Archie, sinking down to sit on the second to bottom stair.
The cat and dog immediately flanked me.
“We need to talk,” my father replied.
“About Manetti.”
He looked away.
“He took Mom out of the hospital.” My voice deepened with hostility.
“Thurston told me.”
“You should have warned me she was in danger.”
He frowned at me. “Nothing happened, Maggie. He’d never hurt her. You’re overreacting, as usual.”
I sucked in a breath and mentally counted to ten in Roman numerals.
“Would you like me to claw his eyes out?” Piss offered.
Archie eyed the cat distrustfully.
I stroked her back to calm her. “Do you think Manetti is involved in the Soliloquy robbery?”
He shook his head. “Thurston said that Jimmy had given you a message for me?”
“So, that’s why you’re here, to find out what Jimmy Manetti wanted you to know.” I heaved myself to my feet. “Not to check on your family, not to apologize for putting Mom in danger, but to pursue your selfish curiosity.”
“A zebra doesn’t change its stripes,” God intoned.
“Leopard, not zebra,” Piss corrected.
“A leopard doesn’t have stripes, you brainless bimbo,” God retorted.
“Did he just call me a bimbo?” The cat flexed her claws.
“Yes,” DeeDee confirmed with a soft bark.
Dad flinched at the dog’s bark. “Maybe you should put it outside.”
I patted the Doberman. “She stays. You’re welcome to leave.”
DeeDee nuzzled my hand gratefully.
“It’s ‘a leopard doesn’t change its spots’ not ‘a zebra doesn’t change its stripes’ you repulsive reptile,” Piss raged. “Get your mammals straight.”
“Shhh,” I calmed, petting her with my other hand. “Ignore him.”
“You’re ignoring me?” Dad asked, outraged.
Instead of answering him, I walked over to the bookshelf, picked up the gold coin that Mom gave to me, and tossed it to him.
His reflexes weren’t quick enough and it bounced off his palm, rolling under the sofa. He dropped to his hands and knees to retrieve it.
“Butt his bite?” DeeDee asked hopefully.
I chuckled. It was tempting to allow the Doberman to bite his butt, but probably not the wisest indulgence. “Not now,” I told her.
She whined her displeasure as Dad, coin in hand, got to his feet.
He stared at the coin for a long moment.
“Manetti gave that to Mom when he took her out of the hospital,” I said accusingly.
“And she gave it to you to give to me?”
I nodded.
“But you weren’t going to?” he accused.
I shrugged. “I have a lot of people to take care of, Dad. Delivering a message from one of your old enemies isn’t high on my list of priorities. Besides, I gave it to you now.”
He turned it over between his fingers like a magician.
“It means something to you?” I guessed.
He nodded slowly.
“What?” I asked despite myself.
“There’s treasure,” he replied reverently. “Buried treasure.”
“Yeah, yeah, buried treasure,” I replied drily. “I already knew that was the scheme you were roping Armani into.”
“That was just a con,” he said, transfixed by the coin. “This is the real thing.”
“So you admit you were conning my friend?”
The sharpness of my tone pricked his treasure trance, and he had the good sense to look guilty. “It was a harmless con. She can afford it and she would have had fun following the treasure map.”
“Get out.” I pointed at the storm cellar doors, which were no doubt the way he’d gotten in. “Get out before I call the cops.”
“Now, Maggie May…”
“Out,” I said through gritted teeth. “Now.”
DeeDee backed me up, growling, “Out now get.”
My father watched the dog nervously. “No reason for anyone to get hostile.”
“You haven’t seen hostile,” I warned. “Right, DeeDee?”
“Hostile!” She added a teeth-baring snarl for emphasis.
Archie took a step backward.
Someone pounded on the door that led to the kitchen. “Maggie? Are you in there?”
I considered yelling back, “I’m not he
re” just to see how Marlene
would react. “Coming,” I yelled instead.
Pointing at my father, I said, “You’d better be gone by the time I get back.”
He nodded and I hustled up the stairs to the kitchen. The last thing I needed was Marlene to deal with Dad.
“What’s up?” I asked, sliding around the door so that she couldn’t see down the stairs.
“It’s Leslie,” she said tiredly. “She’s dancing naked in the front yard.”
Chapter Fourteen
Thankfully, there wasn’t much of a moon, so a lot of Aunt Leslie’s antics were cloaked in shadows.
Marlene was right, though. She was out dancing naked in the front yard.
Darlene had walked over from next door and was trying to talk her inside without much luck. My sister, who’s pretty much a badass in every other way, shrugged at me helplessly when it came to dealing with our aunt.
“I’ve got this,” I assured her. After all, I’d promised Aunt Susan that I’d look after everyone while she was gone. That made her substance-loving sister my responsibility.
“Hi, Aunt Leslie,” I called conversationally.
She stopped pirouetting long enough to semi-focus on me. “Is that you, Maggie?”
“Yup,” I said with forced cheerfulness. “What are you doing?”
“Dancing!” That set her back on her path of spinning around the perimeter of the lawn.
The neighbors wouldn’t be happy, and I doubted that the police patrols that Detective Griswald had arranged would be too understanding if they cruised back and caught her nude.
“Why don’t we dance inside?” I suggested, slowly walking toward her.
“I prefer the night air on my skin,” she trilled.
“Obviously,” I muttered.
I glanced at Marlene and Darlene, who were standing beside each other on the porch. The twins wore identical expressions of dismay. I considered whether I was capable of tackling my naked aunt and carrying her back into the B&B. Considering that I’d barely been able to lift Marlene and transport her a few feet in the kitchen, I kind of doubted my abilities.
That meant my best chance to end this escapade was to reason with Leslie, something I found to be challenging to pull off even when she was stone-cold sober. Still, I had to try.
“Why are you dancing?” I asked.
“It’s part of the summoning ritual.”
I must admit that rendered me speechless for a moment. My life was crazy, but it didn’t involve magic, or witchcraft, or sorcery or whatever it was she thought she was doing. It sounded like the kind of delusion my mother would indulge in on one of her bad days, but not something her sister did.
“What are you trying to summon?” I asked.
“Who? Who?” she replied.
I wasn’t certain whether she was answering me or imitating the sound of an owl.
I tried again. “Who are you summoning?”
She came to a dead stop, stared me right in the eye, and looked at me like I was the crazy one. “Susan, of course.”
“Of course,” I repeated.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake.” Loretta came rushing out of the B&B, a superhero cape billowing behind her, along with the scent of her cloying perfume.
I blinked, wondering if Loretta and Templeton engaged in some superhero sex role-playing. Despite knowing better than to go down that twisted path, my mind started to imagine what that might look like.
My stomach heaved traitorously at the idea.
Loretta rushed toward her sister. “What are you doing?”
“Summoning Susan,” Leslie told her twin.
“Well, you’re not going to do it looking all droopy and wrinkled.” Loretta fussed, wrapping what I now realized was just a silk robe around Leslie’s shoulders. “Come inside.”
I breathed a sigh of relief as she led Leslie into the B&B just as a patrol car slowly rolled past.
The officer rolled down his window. “Everything okay?”
“Yes. Thank you, officer.” I gave him a big thumbs up for emphasis and he pulled away.
I turned back to Marlene and Darlene, who were still standing on the porch.
“Sometimes I wonder why I ever came back here,” Darlene muttered, walking away toward her house.
“Because you love us?” Marlene called after her hopefully.
“Yeah,” Darlene agreed. “But sometimes I wonder if that’s enough to offset the insanity.”
I knew exactly how she felt.
I was glad to escape back down to the basement until I realized that chaos had broken out there, too.
All five animals were bickering so intensely that no one even noticed me reenter the room, at first.
Finally, I caught DeeDee’s eye.
“Maggie! Maggie! Maggie!” she barked excitedly.
“Can we all please just stop speaking in triplicate?” God groaned.
“Shhh, DeeDee. It’s late. We have to be quiet.” I rubbed her head to lessen the sting of the rebuke. “Does someone want to tell me why everyone’s so excited? It’s bad enough dealing with the human craziness, but when you guys get in on the act, it’s a little much.” I panned the room slowly.
DeeDee dropped to the floor and flattened her ears. Piss suddenly became very interested in cleaning her paw, I heard Benny skittering around in his box, no doubt finding a place to hide. Even God didn’t answer. He just stayed very still, like he hoped I wouldn’t see him standing there on his driftwood.
Only Mike faced me. Or, more accurately, he turned his head so that he could look me in the eye. “We had a moral con drum, sweets.”
“Conundrum, you flighty fool,” God corrected, annoyance dripping from every syllable. “Conundrum.”
Mike slowly turned his head in the lizard’s direction, and I got the distinct impression that the little guy’s life would be lunch for the crow if he didn’t watch his tongue.
“What happened?” I asked the crow, trying to bring the conversation back on track.
The bird refocused on me. “He didn’t mean any harm. He’s just doing what’s in his nature.”
“Who are we talking about?”
“Archie stole money from your purse,” Piss elaborated.
“He what?” Outrage and disbelief warred in my tone.
“Stop I tried him,” DeeDee panted, rolling over onto her back as though she was ready to sacrifice herself to my displeasure.
“But he,” Piss stared pointedly at God with her good eye, “said to let him do it.”
I looked at the lizard, waiting for an explanation. He shifted uncomfortably and looked away.
“The man was gonna do what the man was gonna do,” Mike opined. “A thief’s a thief. That’s what he does. He steals. You shouldn’t get your knickers in a knot. Don’t take it personally.”
“Stop I have could him,” DeeDee snarled. Pulling back her lips, she showed me her teeth, illustrating just how menacing she could be. It wasn’t terribly effective since she was rocking on her back.
“But that one,” again Piss glared at God, “told her not to bother.”
“It would have drawn attention,” the lizard said defensively. “If the deadly dog had attacked him, everyone would have known that Archie was here and you didn’t want that.”
I nodded slowly. He had a point. The last thing I needed was for my family to realize my father was back in town.
“He stole from you, sugar,” Piss meowed, upset on my behalf.
“It’s not the first time,” I muttered.
“Besides,” God opined, “we all know you would have caved and just given him the money if he’d asked.”
I hung my head. He wasn’t wrong.
“Tired. Tired. Tired,” Benny squeaked softly.
“Me, too, Benny,” I replied, grateful for the distraction. “Time to get some sleep.”
Thankfully, everyone was in agreement and we all quickly dozed off. We’d need the rest for the next day.
--#--
“Justice for Mike. Justice for Mike,” God chanted before I’d even wiped the sleep from my eyes.
“Gotta. Gotta,” DeeDee added.
Stumbling up the storm cellar stairs, I pushed the door open so the dog could go out. The cat zipped past, getting out into the yard first. DeeDee quickly followed.
With a thunderous beating of wings, Mike flew right out. He immediately landed and looked back at me. “I’m good as new. You fixed me right up, doll.”
“Don’t overdo it,” I warned as he flew away.
Returning to the basement, I was greeted by God insisting, “You have to get justice for Mike.”
Glancing down, I realized I’d slept in the clothes I’d worn the day before. “I have to get a cup of coffee.”
“And then justice.”
I frowned at the little guy. “You were perfectly okay with Archie’s thievery, but you’re advocating for me to exact revenge on whoever shot Mike?”
“I didn’t condone his stealing. It was more important to get rid of him than to have him discovered.”
“He’s right. He’s right. He’s right,” Benny squeaked.
I shrugged, unable to argue with the logic.
“So, we’ll find out who hurt our feathered friend?” God nudged.
“After coffee.”
So saying, I went upstairs to get my fill of caffeine. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one in the kitchen. Templeton was pouring himself a cup of coffee. With a sweep of his eyes, he took in my wrinkled clothing, but wisely didn’t comment. Without saying a word, he poured me a cup of caffeine.
“Thank you,” I murmured, taking the warm offering from him.
“Have you heard from her?” he asked.
I took a long sip before I replied. “Susan?”
He arched an eyebrow.
“No,” I admitted. “I left a message, but she hasn’t called me back.”
Templeton frowned. “That’s not good.”
I nodded my agreement slowly. It was indeed strange and out of character. Aunt Susan is the Queen of Communication. Usually all I have to do is think about calling her and my phone is ringing with her on the other end. It alarmed me that she was out of touch, but I didn’t want to appear panicked. After all, I’d promised her that I could handle anything that happened.
“Did you call Lawrence?” I asked, pushing my hair behind my ears in an attempt to appear casual.