by John Coy
Maybe she was as messed up as she said.
SOME SPACE
I SHOVED MY PHONE IN MY POCKET AND KEPT WALKING. I had no place to go. Home was out, with Dad’s warning of You’ll regret it echoing in my head. What would he do? Ground me or give me a time-out like he did when I was little?
When I called Rayne again, she wouldn’t answer. I thought maybe I should go over to her place and bang on the door. But even as I considered it, I knew I wouldn’t. I was afraid nobody would answer and I’d have to slink away.
I thought about buying some chocolate or flowers. That’s what guys did in movies when they were trying to get the girl back. But that seemed stupid. I didn’t know if Rayne even liked chocolate or flowers, and she hadn’t been mine in the first place.
I ended up at the park. I guessed there was about an hour of light left and I hoped it would finally start to cool off. I sat down on a bench and contemplated leaving town. But I didn’t have a car and I didn’t know where to go. Other than that, it was a brilliant idea.
On the basketball court, two boys went back and forth in a tight game. The younger one gave up about a foot in height but he played hard and beat the taller guy to every loose ball.
I remembered how much I’d loved hoops at that age. It was a way to get out of the house, to get away from Dad, and to lose myself in the game. As I got older, bad coaches sucked the fun out of it and I lost confidence. By the time I made varsity as a senior, I sat on the bench and watched Jett win games for us.
I spotted a basketball beside the court and walked down. “Can I use it?”
“Yeah,” the younger one said as sweat glistened on his dark skin.
I went down to the other end and banked shots off the board and thought about Rayne. I’d screwed up and didn’t know what to do. I wanted to work it out, but she wasn’t giving me a chance.
At the far hoop, the young guy made a tough reverse layup for the win. His friend left on his bike and he came down to get his ball. I passed it to him at the three-point line and he launched a shot that dropped through. I passed the ball back and he swished another one. When he finally missed, he passed the ball to me to shoot.
I hit a fadeaway from the baseline. He fired me a bounce pass and I made two more before I missed and gave it back to him. It felt surprisingly good to be back on the court. It was still a place to go when things went bad.
We took turns shooting to the rhythm of the bouncing ball. Then it hit me. I couldn’t chase Rayne. I had to wait and give her some space until she was ready to talk. I couldn’t think only about what I wanted. I had to think about what she needed, too.
Giving her space would be hard, because I wanted to sort things out as soon as possible. I drained a free throw and made a resolution to myself: I wasn’t talking to her until she talked to me first.
The young kid made five three-pointers in a row and I kept feeding him.
“You’ve got a nice game.”
“Thanks.” He rattled another one home.
* * *
I CALLED JETT AND HE PICKED UP ON THE FIRST RING. “What’re you doing?”
“Hanging out at home,” he said.
“With Nora?”
“No, she’s at her aunt’s cat’s birthday party.”
“What?”
“That was my reaction. Her aunt doesn’t have any kids and claims her cat is as much a part of the family as any two-legged creature. She says he deserves the same type of birthday celebration as everybody else.”
“That’s crazy. Does he get cake?”
“No cake but some kind of cat treat. Nora asked me to go, but I drew the line at a party for a cat. Come on over.”
“Okay.” I considered trying Rayne once more and studied her name on my Favorites list, but I remembered my resolution.
Still, that was a hard call not to make.
* * *
AT JETT’S WE PLAYED CALL OF DUTY, watched Comedy Central, and ate mini Snickers. After everything that had happened, it was good to hang out.
Just because I’d resolved not to call Rayne didn’t mean I could stop thinking about her. “What did you mean when you told me to be careful with Rayne?”
“Look out for yourself,” he said.
“Why?”
“She’s got a boyfriend. Some Italian guy.”
“Yeah, Marco.” I tried to sound cool with it. “He’s back in Italy.”
Jett unwrapped another Snickers and shoved it in his mouth. “She’s really into him.”
“I know. We’ve discussed it.”
Jett’s phone buzzed and he reached over to grab it. “Hey, how’s Birthday Cat?”
I flipped through TV channels while they talked but then Jett handed me the phone. “Nora wants to talk to you.”
“Yeah.” I held it cautiously like it might blow up.
“I can tell you’re not interested in Teagan, but I saw Kenna at the mall and she asked what you were doing this summer.”
“Yeah.”
“Cray, she wants you to ask her out again. She likes you.”
“Kenna likes everybody. That’s why she was class president.”
“That’s mean. What’s the matter with you? I’m telling you she’s into you.”
I passed the phone back to Jett. I didn’t trust her. She was trying to sabotage Rayne and me, and I didn’t need help with that. I was doing enough to mess things up. I picked up the remote and finally found something to watch, lucha libre, Mexican wrestling.
When Jett finished, he grabbed the last Snickers. I waited for him to say what was happening, but he didn’t.
“Is Nora coming over?”
“No, she’s got a meeting at work tomorrow that she’s getting ready for.”
“Can I stay over again?”
“Yeah, it’s cool with my folks.”
“Thanks.” I texted Mom and then turned off my phone as Jett and I watched tag teams of three wearing brightly colored masks leap off the ropes and fly around the ring.
“Nora’s trying to help,” he said. “It would be fun to do stuff together. That’s not happening with Rayne.”
“I know. I’ve got to figure this out for myself.”
* * *
THE NEXT MORNING, Jett dropped me off at the Edge on his way to camp. I stared at Rayne’s spot in the window from outside, but it was empty. Please let me see her, I pleaded as I walked in and smelled coffee. Please.
But she wasn’t there.
I ordered a cappuccino and poured sugar in. The golden crystals sank slowly into the froth and I felt like I was being pulled down, too. A couple of days ago, I’d been so excited. Now I was full of doubt. I took out my phone and set it on the table. I was dying to call but remembered my resolution. It was hard to hang on to that.
Someone had left a Sharpie on the table and I picked it up and wrote our names side by side on a napkin.
Cray Rayne
We both had ray in common and that felt like a sign. Rayne had been a ray of light for me, the way she’d lit up my summer. She’d also been a ray of hope when she got me the Oakcrest job.
But there was also another kind of ray, a stingray. I typed stingray into my phone for a definition: Any of various rays having a whiplike tail and venomous spines capable of inflicting serious bodily injury.
Serious bodily injury?
The door opened and I crumpled the napkin, but it wasn’t Rayne. Instead Teagan zoomed over. “Hey, Cray.”
“Hi.” Nora was right. Teagan was tan. So tan so fast that it couldn’t all have been from the sun. She must have been spending time in tanning beds or spraying it on. Maybe she was totally tan.
“I missed you at my graduation party,” she said.
“Sorry, I had to work.” I didn’t feel like attending graduation parties since I wasn’t having one of my own, but I was sorry to miss out on the cash.
“It was fun!” Teagan grinned, and her white teeth stood out against her tan skin. “But I’m still not sure where I’m going. I�
�m stuck on that stupid waiting list at Carleton, and not knowing is terrible.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a piece of paper. “I’ve got to pick up muffins for our lifeguard meeting.” She grabbed the Sharpie from me and wrote her number. “Call me sometime.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t planning to and didn’t want to be talking to Teagan if Rayne came in.
My phone buzzed and I jumped with excitement. But then I saw it was Mom. “Yeah.”
“Where are you?”
“At the coffee shop.” I waved to Teagan as she left.
“Doing what?”
“Ah, drinking coffee.” I slurped some.
“Don’t get smart with me,” she said. “How did it go at Jett’s?”
“Fine.”
“Listen, Cray, I spoke with your father this morning. We both want you to sleep here tonight.”
“Did he say that?” I folded Teagan’s number into smaller and smaller pieces.
“He wants you back. Staying away isn’t solving anything.”
“Being at home wasn’t either.”
“That’s no way to talk. We expect you here tonight. Can you promise that?”
“No, I can’t. I’m staying at Jett’s.”
* * *
I WAITED OVER AN HOUR FOR RAYNE, but she never showed. I even bought a wheat-free banana-nut muffin and set it on the table hoping it would act as a magnet. It didn’t, so I ate it, and it tasted better than I expected.
I bought a replacement muffin, put it in a paper bag, and set off across the river. I replayed our last conversation as I moved past the dilapidated buildings and brick warehouses. I hadn’t meant to get Rayne chewed out by Stephanie, and I’d apologized.
When I got to her building, the metal door was locked, so I knocked and waited for an answer. Nobody came and I had to slink away like I’d feared.
I crossed the street and looked up, but there were no windows visible. I walked down the uneven cobblestones to find a better spot, but a tall brick wall blocked my view. I took a left at the next corner, but I still couldn’t see in because of the wall. Coming down had been a stupid idea.
I followed the street, which was full of potholes, to the edge of a millstream. It dead-ended, but upstream about thirty yards was a rusted bridge. A path snaked along the bank to the bridge, and I followed it. I looked up at the top of Rayne’s building. Three big windows with panes of clouded glass faced my way. It was impossible to see inside, but I had the feeling that she was there. Maybe watching me.
I crossed the bridge and moved cautiously down a broken sidewalk on the other side. Rayne’s building went all the way to the stream, and I hoped I could get a clearer view.
A scrawny orange cat darted in front of me and hissed. I stopped and looked around. Some buildings had padlocked doors, but many seemed like they’d been abandoned for years. I found some crumbling concrete steps and climbed down. In front of me, Rayne’s building towered above the stream where water spilled over a small dam.
I scanned the building. Two floors had the clouded windows, but the top floor had big windows of clear glass. A shape floated across the room, but I might have been imagining things. I stood and watched the windows, hoping to see her.
“What the hell are you doing?” a voice rasped. I jumped and turned around. A short guy with a stubby beard and a dirty baseball hat waved a metal pipe in front of my face like a sword.
“Nothing. Nothing. I was just looking around.”
“For what?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” To say Rayne would have sounded like I was stalking her.
“No strangers,” the old guy barked.
“Okay.” I held up my hands like I was under arrest as I climbed the steps. I kept an eye on him so he wouldn’t take a swing at me with the pipe.
I didn’t know where he had come from, but he scared me. He kept the pipe extended as I got away. At the road I turned and crossed the bridge. I stopped to look back at Rayne’s building. I felt uneasy, though, like I was doing something wrong. I checked upstream, where the old man was still watching me.
“No strangers.” He shook the pipe like some psycho killer.
As I hurried along the road, I had my first good idea of the day. I circled back to the metal door of Rayne’s building and set down the muffin bag. I looked around to make sure the crazy guy wasn’t following me and then moved the bag closer to the door. It wasn’t chocolate or flowers, but it was better. It was something specifically for her. I hoped she’d get it and know who it was from.
COMPLICATED
JUST BEFORE NOON, I walked up the driveway of our house. Nobody would be there, but I still checked around to make sure. I unlocked the back door and felt like I was sneaking into somebody else’s place. “Hey,” I called.
Nobody answered. Nothing moved. But an uneasy feeling gnawed at me as I thought about Dad’s warning. I couldn’t guess what he’d come up with. And that itself put me on edge.
My stinky shirt indicated I needed clean clothes as I entered the living room, which felt more like a museum than a room where people lived. No stray glasses or coffee mugs were out. Everything was perfect and in its proper place. I felt uncomfortable, like I didn’t belong.
I looked up at the yellow jaguar mask on the wall and remembered how Dad had made me negotiate in Spanish for it when we were in Mexico for spring break. On the other wall, a black-and-white picture of the four of us from last year stared back. Mom had insisted we dress up and go into a studio, and she debated the pros and cons of different shots before selecting one. I looked goofy in it, but Mom loved it because everyone was smiling. It was weird to display a big picture of ourselves in our own home, but that was Mom’s image of us, what she desperately wanted to believe.
I charged my phone in my room and shoved clean boxers, T-shirts, and shorts into my backpack. In my bathroom, I shaved, took off my clothes, and got in the shower. I stood under the hot water and thought about Rayne confiding in me and then cutting me off.
As I dressed, I tried to figure out where to go for the afternoon. Jett was working. The coffee shop reminded me too much of Rayne. Nothing good popped into my mind as I gathered up my toothbrush, toothpaste, body spray, phone, and charger.
I closed the back door with a thunk and slung my backpack over my shoulder. I was leaving home with no place to go. Pretty pathetic.
* * *
I STOPPED FOR PIZZA.
“Did you find a job?” Sam asked.
“Yeah, I’m working nights with adults with developmental disabilities.”
“Good for you.”
“I’m still looking for another job during the day.”
“Sorry, I don’t have an opening,” she said.
As I ate my slices, I remembered Dad demanding I get another job. I hadn’t done anything on that. I wished I had so I’d have a place to go.
My phone buzzed and I grabbed it. The name on the screen filled me with excitement: Rayne. “Yeah.” I attempted to sound calm.
“Sorry for being a bitch last night.”
“You weren’t a bitch.” An old woman at the next booth glared at me, so I grabbed my plate and moved outside.
“I need my Oakcrest job, Cray. I can’t jeopardize it.”
“I know. I need mine, too.” I sat on the bench in front of Sam’s. “I’m sorry. What I did was stupid. I should have listened to you.”
“It can’t happen again,” Rayne said.
“I know. It won’t.”
Then Rayne told me all about her visit to her grandma’s and why she’d been in a bad mood. “We got out old pictures and there were a couple of my mom and dad together. Grandma said some mean things about my mom, and then Dad defended her even though it’s pretty indefensible. It’s like, it’s okay if we criticize her, but we don’t want other people to do it. After all, she’s the only mom I’ve got no matter what she’s done.”
As she talked, I realized how much I’d missed her—her voice, her energy, her self.
&n
bsp; “Thank you,” she said.
“For what?” I ate my last bite of pizza.
“For the banana-walnut muffin you left at the door.”
“How’d you know it was me?”
“Because you’re sweet,” she said. “And because Otto told me.”
“Who’s Otto?”
“A friend who stays in one of the warehouses.”
“The old guy?”
“He’s not that old. He’s an Iraq War vet who keeps an eye on things down here. He said you seemed strange and were scoping out our building.”
“I seemed strange? He shoved a metal pipe in my face.”
“He takes his job seriously. He was suspicious, but when he saw you’d left a muffin, he thought it might be okay.”
“Is it okay?” I asked.
“Is what okay?”
“Us. Back to the way things were.”
“Yeah.”
“Good.” That’s what I wanted to hear.
“I talked to Stephanie this morning. She’s giving us another chance,” Rayne said.
“Did she tell Gail about it?”
“No. It would prove Gail right about not wanting to hire you. Stephanie expects professionalism. You have to promise that.”
“I do.”
“She asked me to orientate you to the night position,” Rayne said. “Can you come in at ten tomorrow night?”
“Sure.”
“She’s waiting for some paperwork, but she wants you to start as soon as it’s approved.”
“Great. I need to start making some money.”
“What are you doing now?” Rayne asked.
“Nothing. Sitting downtown on a bench.”
“Meet me by the fountain outside the art building.”
“When?”
“Right now.”
“I’m on my way.”
I was pumped. The resolution had worked. I’d given Rayne space and she’d come back. I was excited to see her, but things were swinging around wildly.
Knowing Rayne was complicated.