by Lindy Zart
I pause, Ben pulling back to meet my gaze. Are you mine?
He smiles, a small, half smile that makes my stomach spin and tells me without a doubt that I am in love with him. So in love with him. His mouth is hot as it starts at the corner of my eye and kisses a path to my collarbone.
Under the heat of the sun, and maybe witnesses of the inhuman variety, Ben and I drop to the ground as one.
Where we are disappears.
Anything before this moment is inconsequential.
Whatever happens after this doesn’t matter.
I’m lost in Ben, and I want to stay that way.
I touch him, the thickness, the heat, how unbelievably hard he is, driving me mad. Ben hisses, his hands shaking as they smooth hair from my face. The act is careful, tender. I kiss his palm. His expression is tight, his eyes glittering. With my hand around his erection, slowly moving up and down, Ben’s fingers trace the most sensitive part of me, making me melt as they caress and tease. Need builds, becomes uncontrollable.
On my back, Ben hovers over me, looking arresting. It makes my heart drum a responding beat of instinctive need. He nips my neck; I dig my fingers into his back. Something niggles at the back of my head, a faint warning that I’m forgetting something, but I push it away. We look into each other’s eyes, desire adding stars to his, and with our lips pressed together, Ben swiftly enters me. Both of us freeze, relishing in the feel of him inside me.
Eyes unwavering from each other’s face, Ben moves, and I move with him.
“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs.
“You’re beautiful,” I murmur back with a smile.
I find a piece of heaven in Ben, in us. When the sky blazes bright from the fireworks we create, I think I would be okay anywhere, as long as I’m with Ben.
17
BEN
We didn’t use protection.
Obviously, neither one of us had any and the best option would have been to keep my dick in my pants, but was I thinking with my brain? No. I take a deep breath, telling myself one time is not enough for Avery to become pregnant, even while knowing that’s a bullshit, ignorant way of thinking. One time is all it takes. I run a hand along my face and stare at the sky framed by trees.
“It’s okay, Ben. I’m on birth control pills.”
I jerk at the sound of her voice, turning my head to the side to meet her gaze. “That isn’t one hundred percent, and you’ve missed days.”
“Whatever happens, it will be okay.” Avery’s eyes shine with resolution. “We’ll figure it out.”
I swallow hard, nodding. “I know we will, Avery.”
She smiles and gives me a soft kiss.
I exhale and let the anxiety go, for now.
Locked in each other’s arms, we lie on a bed of earth and look up at a sky full of swirling clouds. Other than where we are, everything is as it should be. Even being in Shawnee National Forest—or wherever we are—isn’t all that bad. We’ve got this. We are going to make it.
“Tell me about the tattoo now,” she whispers huskily.
I smile. “Reggie Redbird is the mascot for Illinois State University; twenty-two was my baseball jersey number.”
“What did you play?”
“Catcher.”
“That seems like a hard position.”
I shrug the shoulder Avery isn’t using as a pillow. “It kept me busy.”
I want to savor this. Avery is in my arms, right where I’ve wanted her the whole time, subconsciously or otherwise. Have I ever felt this peaceful? Avery snuggles closer, her head tucked beneath my chin. She lost her mother. My arms tighten on Avery. She came so far to find her dad. I stroke her hair, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. I don’t think Avery knows how brave she is.
Finally, I understand her.
“Tell me about your life before Illinois. Tell me about the real Avery. Tell me everything.” I press my lips to the side of her head. “Tell me about your mom.”
Avery goes still, taking a shuddering breath.
“You don’t have to,” I quickly backtrack.
“No. I want to.” She lifts her head to meet my eyes. “Talking about my mom helps; it makes me feel closer to her.”
“Tell me one of your best memories.”
She wrinkles up her nose before settling back against me. “Do you really want to know it?”
“I do.”
“Okay.” Avery breathes in and out. “She took me roller-skating for the first time when I was five. I kept falling, and it was to the point where I was ready to cry and give up. I was embarrassed and felt like everyone was watching me.”
I fiddle with a lock of her hair as I wait for her to continue.
“My mom started falling with me. At first, I thought there was something wrong with her, but after a couple times of her magically losing her balance each time I did, I looked over and caught her smile. She turned it into a game, and each time we fell, we laughed.” Avery’s voice cracks. “My mom had this great way of showing me different ways to look at things.”
I hold her as she quietly cries.
“I’m sorry,” she says once the tears fade.
“For what?”
“Crying all over you.”
I tighten my hold on Avery and brush the dampness from her face. “I don’t mind. I can’t imagine how it must feel.”
She sits up and works at tearing away another piece of her shirt.
I propel to a sitting position, confused by her behavior. “What are—”
It sounds like a bullhorn splits the quiet. Even the insects go silent as Avery blows her nose with gusto.
I stare at her as she wipes her nose with her shirt remnant.
“What?” She looks at me as she drops the fabric to the ground.
“I just…” I shake my head, laughing softly. “You’re so much better than I thought.”
“You like that I blew my nose on my shirt?” Avery asks, looking doubtful. “I didn’t have a lot of options.”
“Hell, yeah, I do.” Grinning, I reach for her, a heavy make-out session ensuing.
The sun is directly overhead and blazing hot when we finally pull away for air.
“I have to say, this is one of the better ways to spend time,” I confess.
“Since we’ve been here? I hope so.”
“No.” I kiss her neck. “Ever.”
“Yeah, it’s not so bad.” Avery’s eyes twinkle when they land on me.
“What part is not so bad?” I narrow my eyes at Avery when she laughs. I dive for her, tickling her sides as she squeals. I laugh at the sounds she makes as she wiggles about, and tease, “Come on, Avery, tell me or I’ll tickle you until the sun goes down.”
“Okay, okay, okay! Stop and I’ll tell you.”
I give her one final tickle before ending the torment. Avery lies across my chest, gasping for air. Her hair is spread out like a wavy fan, tickling my chin. There is a rock beneath my head and a stick digging into the back of my thigh, but I don’t want to move.
“Well?” I prompt.
“This is pretty perfect, considering.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad I got lost with you,” I admit.
Avery lifts her head from my chest, her expression open and sweet. My stomach drops through the earth as I look at her. I find myself admitting something else. “The first time I saw you, I forgot how to breathe. You literally took my breath away.”
She tilts her head, studying me. “I don’t believe you.”
“Remember how I made wheezing sounds and started coughing?”
“You said you had asthma.”
“I couldn’t breathe, Avery,” I confess. “I looked at you and I just—I couldn’t breathe. Even then, I felt it.”
“Felt what?”
“That you were meant to mean something to me.”
Avery goes to her elbow, peering down at me. “But I annoyed you and drove you crazy.”
“No. Yes. I mean—you…you do dr
ive me crazy.” I rub my forehead, trying to make sense of us and not sure there is a way. “You played games and you pretended to be someone you’re not, and I was always second guessing myself around you, and your intentions. But I think, finally, I understand.”
“What?” she asks unevenly. “What do you think you understand?”
“You’re scared.”
“I’m not scared.” Avery denies it, but she won’t meet my eyes.
“You’re scared the real you isn’t enough, but she is. You are.”
A broken sound leaves her and her mouth wobbles. A tear slides down the side of her face and I quickly brush it away. Silent, we both look at the sky, watching as the clouds change shapes.
“Are you okay?” I whisper.
“I’m okay,” she whispers back, squeezing my hand.
“Hey.”
Avery waits.
“You’re brave.” I touch her cheek.
“You just said I’m scared.”
I trace her lips. “The two aren’t exclusive. You can be both at the same time. Trust me, you’re brave.” Not wanting to make Avery cry again, I decide to change the subject. “Best advice you’d give someone in four words.”
“Be true to you,” Avery responds immediately, a soft smile brightening her features. “You?”
“Do what you love.”
She nods, sniffling as she regains composure. “Fitting. What else you got?”
I scratch at the scabbed over cut on my face and say, “Worst thing you ever ate.”
“Liver.”
“Sauerkraut,” I return. Worst tasting thing in the world, although, at the moment, I’d heavily consider eating it. I might even enjoy it.
“Oh, yeah, that’s bad too.”
I turn to my side so that we’re face to face, close enough that I can count her freckles. I say softly, “Best kiss you ever experienced.”
Aver leans forward, smiling faintly, and tips her face toward mine. “All the ones shared with you.”
“Good answer.” I smile and kiss her.
“I like this. This is nice,” she says a dozen kisses later.
Avery settles beside me, nuzzling my neck with her nose. I put my hands behind my head and watch the world move around us. I can’t remember the last time I paused long enough to experience a sunrise or sunset, or even just watched the clouds go by. Everything moved with lightning speed until I got here and had no choice but to stop and reassess myself. I was stressed out and lackluster before this trip. All that is going to change when we get back. Some change is good.
“There never used to be enough time for stuff like this. It was always work and socializing and go—I was always on the go,” I muse. “I want more of this.”
Avery sits up, positioned just right so that the sun haloes her. Her expression is part sad, part resolved. She knows the direction of my thoughts before I voice them. But she only says, “We should get moving before your bear friend or some other creature decides to come find us.”
“Like a goat?” I quirk an eyebrow. “Or a crow?”
She makes a face.
Other than ourselves and a snotty scrap of pink fabric we decide to leave, there isn’t anything to gather up. We’re on the move within minutes, filling our bellies with berries and creek water before taking on the sun and mountains. Avery holds my hand as we walk, and I steal kisses as we go.
My feet are sore, and although better, my ankle periodically gives an uncomfortable twinge. I don’t resent being here anymore. It’s strange how much I don’t miss my cell phone or the television or any other device I’ve come to rely on. I appreciate the open skies and fresh air much more than I used to.
“How long are you going to carry around that knife?” Avery takes the lead as we trample through a narrow pathway of trees, letting a tree limb snap back toward me.
Unlike yesterday, I catch it this time. “Until we’re found.”
“Why?”
Because I don’t trust its presence here. I say, “Protection.”
“Against what?”
“Hopefully nothing. But just in case.”
Avery spins around and blurts, “I lied, okay?”
“About what?” I ask cautiously. What confession am I going to get now, and am I ready for it?
She swats at a bug that has the audacity to land on her arm, flicking it away without even glancing at it. I set my hands on my hips, wondering if she realizes how bad-ass she’s getting.A day ago the thought of a bug on her had her screaming and jumping. I can’t fight the smile that comes at the recollection.
Avery says, “I am scared. Life scares me. Being without my mom scares me. Our lives go by so fast and they never really seem to be ours.”
My throat tightens. All Avery had was her mom, and now she’s gone. I can see how she’d feel lost, how she’d fight to find a place to belong, no matter the cost to herself or others. Her words hit me hard, because they make perfect sense to me. And I understand myself a little better as well.
“You can’t control life.” I lift my hands, palms up. “You just can’t.”
She drops her gaze.
“That’s what makes it so special, so precious.”
Avery looks at me, her eyebrows furrowed.
I shrug. “That’s it. That’s all I can tell you about life. It isn’t yours to control, but it is yours to live to the fullest, while you have it. I know it sounds cliché, and I could probably sell it to someone and make some megabucks ’cause people love that sappy shit, but there you have it.”
She gives me a shaky smile. “You’re much better with words than me.”
“I don’t know about that.”
We share a smile, hers growing and becoming stronger.
“Thank you for putting things into a different perspective.”
“You got me to see what I couldn’t on my own too. What you said…you’re right. That’s why I’m quitting Sanders and Sisters. I’m making my life mine. I want the sunsets and sunrises. I want to go slow instead of fast. I want to make more memories and less money. I want to live. Really live, not half-ass it like I am now.” I realize how true the words are as soon as they leave my mouth.
Avery inhales raggedly, understanding flooding her features. She exhales, nodding. “You should do that then. You should go on adventures and experience amazing things.”
I stare into luminous eyes of gold. Come with me. I can’t get the words out. That would be selfish of me. It’s my dream to travel, not hers. Avery has a father to get to know.
Instead, I say, “You can do the same.”
“I can’t. I’m not that brave yet,” Avery says softly.
“Being brave isn’t something you learn; it’s something you be.” I step closer, touching a lock of her limp hair. “You’re already there, remember? You’ve made it days in the wild. I bet you never thought you’d say that, did you?”
“No.” Her smile is small, but genuine.
“You moved across half the country to find your dad. That alone is amazing, but you also could have been in hundreds of car wrecks along the way, and you weren’t.”
She nods, her back straightening the more I talk.
“And…” I take a deep breath, holding her gaze. “You lost your mom, and yet here you are, standing, living, even smiling.”
A sound, tiny but full of grief, leaves Avery. My heart aches in response. I smooth the wrinkles from her forehead, pressing a kiss to her brow. “You are so, so brave, Avery.”
Her hands lift to my ribcage, sliding around to my back, and she falls into my arms, holding me hard, shaking. My arms enfold her, my head dipped to rest against hers. The scent of dirt, and faint but mighty, grapefruit, clings to Avery, and I smile.
Even nature can’t fully dispel her essence. I like that about her. I like everything about her, even her duplicity. It had merit. We stand like this for a long time and still not long enough, breathing, living, being. It is with regret that I pull back, a kink forming in my neck the only r
eason I do.
I think over her words, needing her to really believe that I am no longer holding grudges. “You should know that there can always be second chances, Avery, if people are willing to allow them. I am.”
Avery’s eyes flood with emotion, her face slowly lighting up to steal the rays from the sun, one by one. “We’re really okay?”
“We’re really okay.” I move another inch toward her. “You should also know that it’s okay to be scared, but don’t let that fear keep you from having the best possible life you can.”
“I’m going to try,” she says in a voice that wobbles.
I give her a fierce look. “Try hard.”
Avery nods, swallowing. “Where will you go when you leave Sanders and Sisters?”
“I don’t know.”
“What will you do?”
I squint at the sun, glancing at Avery with a half-smile on my face. “Just focus on living. That’s it.”
She sighs beside me, a dreamy look on her face.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask, amused.
“You. You’re inspiring, profound.” Avery shakes her head. “And you have no idea, do you?”
Not really.
“I’d love to know all the ways I am profound and inspiring.” I face her fully. “But first, we’re going in the water.”
Avery blanches, shooting to the side. “No. I’m not going in any more water unless it’s clear, see-through water where I know what’s around me and how deep it is. Do you see that anywhere around here? No? Me either. I’m fine right here, thank you.”
“Okay. Fine. Let’s go fishing.” It isn’t as if we have anything else to do.
Avery blinks. “Fishing? How?”
“We’ll make spears.” I doubt we’ll catch anything, and if we do, who is going to gut the fish? Because I can’t. But it might be fun. “Come on, we’re already in the middle of an adventure; let’s make it a fun one. You game?”
18
AVERY
Am I game?
I look around us, seeing the same scenery I’ve seen for days. What else is there to do, other than walk and walk and walk some more? “Yeah. Sure. Why not? Let’s go fishing.”