by Lindy Zart
“Drink up, buttercup,” Nate urges, shoving a beer in my face.
“I’m not really in the drinking mood.”
“Fuck that shit,” is Nate’s response, his hold on the beer never wavering. He’s got a body like a tank and a personality to match. Brutish and massive.
“Your mission tonight is to get completely shit-faced. No exceptions,” Bob states, a stern look on his bearded face. His spiked hair sticks up at least four inches from his head, reminding me of a porcupine.
“To the point where you’re either puking sick, or so hungover in the morning that you’ll vow to never, ever drink again.” Juan clinks his beer bottle to Nate’s.
With a sigh, I grab the beer and take a swig of it. The guys cheer. I shake my head at their antics, but there’s a smile on my lips.
I spend the next couple of hours being berated into drinking, but whenever I can, I look for Avery. She talks with Carrie and Anne, meeting my gaze more times than I can count. With a one-way ticket, I leave for Alabama in a few, short days.
She didn’t answer me.
I asked her to come with me and she didn’t answer.
“Let’s do shots,” Carrie exclaims, her arm shooting up, a bottle of cinnamon whiskey in her hand. She dances in a circle, laughing as those nearest her whistle and clap. Before long, Bob is dancing with her, his spikes never once budging. Bob’s always had a thing for Carrie. I never could figure out if it was reciprocated, which made me think it wasn’t. The way she’s looking at him now tells me something may have changed.
“Miss.” The bartender hurries from around the bar, reaching for the bottle. His scholarly face looks panicked and completely out of place for his line of work. Stereotypes and all that. “Miss, please, let me pour that for you.”
Carrie spins around to face the bartender, her eyes dancing. “You have to dance with me first.”
The bartender’s hands fall to his sides. “But, I…”
“It’s fine, Lawrence, the bottle’s on me,” Duke tells the man, clapping him on the shoulder with enough exuberance to send him stumbling forward a couple feet.
Duke’s gaze turns to me, the message clear: None for you though.
Hands on my hips, I look to the stars. God help me if Avery and I do end up together. Duke will hold a grudge against me for eternity.
My eyes find Avery, a weird calmness and determination descending, and my response to Duke is just as clear: I don’t give a shit.
He scowls at me, snagging the bottle of liquor from Carrie and taking a few large swallows before giving it back.
“This song is for you, Ben and Avery,” Nate hollers, whooping as “Hungry Like the Wolf” starts.
Carrie grabs my wrist and pulls, motioning for Avery to join us. “Come on, guys, don’t just stand around! It’s time to have fun.” She leaves us to corral the others. “That means everyone here!”
“This really isn’t something I can dance to,” Avery tells me.
“What if I dance with you?”
She narrows her eyes. “You can dance?”
I lift my eyebrows, adapting a serious expression. “I don’t want to alarm you, but…prepare to be amazed.”
Avery grins and crosses her arms. “I’m waiting.”
“Next song,” I promise.
It’s my luck that the next song to come on is by Justin Bieber.
I groan; Avery laughs.
She cups her mouth and shouts, “Show me your moves!”
To the delight of the Sanders and Sisters’ employees, I moonwalk across the deck. I stop before I hit the railing and look at Avery. “Well?”
She taps her chin and shrugs, calling, “Not bad. Got anything else?”
I nod to her. “You first.”
A mischievous glint enters her eyes just before Avery leaps into the air, does some contortionist move, and lands facing me, out of breath and with a wide grin on her face. After that, everyone gets involved, doing some crazy move in an attempt to outshine the previous participant. Mike has us all beat with his breakdance moves. There are laughs, and even more laughs, when Nate splits his pants.
“That’s why dudes don’t wear skinny pants, man,” Juan informs him, chortling around his words.
“Suck my—”
Juan puts his hand out. “Just stop right there. There will be no sucking of any of your extremities. Been there, done that already. Never a-fucking-gain.” He shudders and chugs half a bottle of beer as if he needs to erase the memory from his mind.
Anne, who hasn’t said or done much besides interact with her phone, lowers it and looks at Juan. She laughs, loud and hard, as if she’s surprised to find anything around her funny.
We all stare.
Anne doesn’t laugh, or smile, or really talk at all. Juan blinks at her, and he laughs with her, his laughter growing in volume. Anne actually puts her phone in her pocket, a miracle in itself, and moves to stand by Juan.
More beers are drank; more songs play. Duke even removes the stick up his ass long enough to do a group slow dance and flourishing rendition of “Never Tear Us Apart” by INXS. This is the comradery I’ll miss. All of us, together, having fun. I look at Avery standing across from me, her arms around Carrie and Mike. Her face is flushed, her eyes shining, and damn if she doesn’t make my heart skip a beat.
I’ll miss her the most.
Ed Sheeran plays next, and as if on cue, the lights dim and the unofficial dance floor clears. Pulled by an invisible force, Avery and I end up face to face. I reach for her, cupping her cheek, running my thumbs across either side of her face. Her eyes close; my throat tightens.
Not caring if Duke decides to kick my ass because of it, I brush my lips along the corners of hers. I capture her mouth with mine when she tips her head back. A backdrop to our powerful emotions, we sway to the music of one Mr. Ed Sheeran. The guy gets it.
I hold her loosely, as if she is glass and able to break. She isn’t, I know that, but she is something to treasure. I know that now too.
“I forgive you. I think I forgave you almost as soon as it happened,” I say against her cheek, feeling her stiffen in my arms. “I just didn’t want to admit it.”
Her hand sweeps across my back, compassionate and true. Avery whispers, “I never should have done it, Ben. I will forever be sorry.”
“I didn’t have to treat you so badly, and I’m sorry. I didn’t know, Avery.” I pause, the words like lumps in my throat. “I didn’t know how to deal with the way I felt. I was stupid, and immature, and…”
Avery pulls back, her eyes lightning, and she shuts me up with a hard kiss that melts my bones. I pull her closer, until the only thing between us is mere clothing that can easily be removed—it won’t be, of course, but it could. Reiteration on “easily” and “could”. I thread my fingers through her silky hair and kiss her with all the passion in my soul, all the fire in my blood. I kiss her with everything I have.
It isn’t until the jeers and catcalls reach our ears that we pull away. The slow song has been replaced by a fast one, and Duke stands nearby, seething.
“Your dad is not doing well with the idea of you and me.”
Avery stares at me. “Is there a you and me?”
My pulse picks up; everything but the woman standing before me disappears. “Do you want there to be?”
Large, gold eyes, study me. “Do you? You’re leaving, and I don’t even know if you’re coming back.”
“I asked you to come with me,” I remind her.
“But what does that mean? Is that all you’re asking me, or are you asking me more?” Avery swallows, stepping back. “Do you want me for now, or do you…do you want me forever?”
The music becomes deafening, and my heartbeat along with it. My skin is flushed, wet with sweat, and nausea makes an unwanted appearance. What is she asking me? Seconds tick on and I don’t reply. It isn’t that I don’t have an answer—it’s that my answer scares the shit out of me.
Disappointment flitters across her face
.
I step forward, not sure how to make her understand something I don’t entirely understand. “Avery, I—”
“Avery, come inside with me a moment; there’s something I want to show you.” Duke puts a hand to his daughter’s elbow, coercing her from me.
Her eyes haven’t left my face. “Can it wait, Dad?”
“It can’t. It has to do with your mother.”
I shift my gaze to him, staring him down. Duke knows Avery won’t say no to that. He’s manipulating her.
Duke’s face is impassive, but a hint of arrogance is in his bearing.
Seeming torn, Avery shoots me a look full of questions, and lets her dad take her into his swanky living quarters. This version of Avery is another I don’t know, and another I know isn’t her. Where’s the fiery woman? Hell, where’s the antagonistic one? I want to tell her to stop trying to be what she thinks everyone wants her to be, and just be.
You’re never happy in life unless you’re you. I found the real Avery in the mountains of Shawnee National Forest. No way should coming back to Chicago be able to take that away—not even her dad should be able to take that away. I have to remind her; I have to be able to be alone with her long enough to get all the words out.
Watching them walk inside feels as if I’ve already left; I’m already gone. Only they’re the ones leaving.
If it comes to me and her dad, Avery will choose him. I expect her to. I want her to, when I think with my head and not my heart—the heart I said I’d have to be stupid to give to Avery. I don’t even think I gave it to her; I think I threw it at her. And that’s what scares me: I am in love with Avery Scottam. Was I ever not? Even when we’re fighting, I feel more alive, more energized, than at any other point in my existence.
I sigh, getting drawn into a conversation about baseball with Bob.
As the night progresses, Duke is never far from Avery, watching her with a faint look of wonder on his face, and wrath each time he catches me near his daughter. I think Duke senses what I feel for Avery; he wants to protect her, but he also doesn’t want to lose her, not to me, not now. And Avery just got her dad.
They have years of catching up to do, and endless details to share with each other. They don’t know each other that well, and I see the yearning on each of their faces to connect with a link to who they are. Maybe it’s unfair of me to ask her to leave him. I finish my beer, turning from the sight of Avery. It is unfair of me.
But if she says yes, I won’t look back.
24
BEN
It’s close to one in the morning by the time the party breaks up.
I hurry to where Avery is, quiet as she tells Carrie good night. Before she realizes I’m beside her, I touch her arm, causing her to jump. “Avery? Can we go somewhere and talk?”
Shadows cling to her eyes, and they’re not all from the night around us. “It’s late, Ben. Can we talk tomorrow?”
I move in front of her, blocking the exit. “What did Duke show you?”
Avery shifts her eyes to the side, something like grief hovering over her. There is the faintest crack in her voice when she says, “I’m tired. Please, can we talk another time?”
I step to the side, confused and worried by her behavior. “Yeah. Sure. Have a good night.”
Avery nods, her head bowed. As she passes, she trails her fingers down my arm. “Good night, Ben.”
I turn as she walks toward the door that leads down the stairs and outside. “Avery.”
She pauses, her back to me.
“Remember who you are, not who you think you need to be.”
Her shoulders lift as she takes a deep breath, and Avery walks from the studio apartment.
I stare after her long after she’s gone before I shift my jaw and go in search of Duke. I storm onto the deck, scanning the premises. The bartender cleaned up quick and left. The only sounds are that of the wind, and the people and cars below. My hands open and close at my sides, ready to punch something. Preferably Duke Renner. I can do that. He isn’t my boss anymore. I scowl when a voice reminds me that he’s still Avery’s dad.
I rest my elbows on the railing and stare at the river, its depths dark and deep as it slowly undulates.
His words reach me first, alerting me to his presence. “Do you really think you’re worthy of her?”
I glance at Duke, a cool breeze ruffling my hair. “What did you say to her?”
His jaw hardens. “Answer with care. If you think you’re worthy of her, then you’re not. If you don’t think you are, then you’re not.”
“So, basically, either way, I’m screwed.” I straighten, so over Duke’s self-portrayed superiority. Anger vibrates through my words. “What did you say to her?”
Duke grips the railing between his hands, facing the city of lights and people. “As an employee, I’ve always thought highly of you…but as someone interested in my daughter, that is one hell no.”
One corner of my mouth hikes before falling back into a line. “I sort of already got that impression.”
“I want what’s best for you, Ben, and yes, I hate to see you go. You’re great at what you do.” Duke turns his head, nailing me with his sparking eyes. “But if it comes down to what’s best for you, or Avery, I’m going to look out for my daughter.”
I look away. “Are you saying that as a person, or as a dad?”
A low growl can be heard with his words. “Does it matter?”
I turn back to Duke, a muscle bunching in my jaw. “Yeah, it does. As a father, no one is going to be good enough for your daughter. So, I need to know, are you saying that as a person who knows me, or as a father who just learned of his daughter’s existence?”
Crevices form around his eyes and mouth. “What do you want from her? You hated Avery a couple weeks ago, and now, what? You want to date her?”
“I don’t want to date her.”
A hand bunches around the fabric of my shirt and twists, Duke’s face inches from mine. “Then what the hell do you want with Avery?”
“I want to…” I look into furious blue eyes and speak from the heart. “I want to marry her.”
His grip slackens, his face pales. Duke steps back. A layer of ice surrounds us, quick and deadly. “You must be drunk to say something like that to me.”
I feel lost without her, lost in a way I can’t stand. Around the fierce beating of my heart, I speak. “I want to marry Avery. Maybe not now, but some day. When I think of what I want to do with the rest of my life, none of it seems right unless she’s with me.”
Duke examines me as if he thinks he can see my soul if he stares long enough.
I stand straight and proud, my eyes never leaving his. “She thinks she has to be a certain way so you’ll be proud of her, so you’ll want her. When she first came to Illinois, she was a completely different person than she is now. You have to remember what she was like. She did that for you. Avery thought she had to impress you, and because of that, she made bad choices.”
He watches me.
A frustrated sound is ripped from me. “She’s losing herself, and if you don’t let her live the way she wants, before long, she won’t know who she is. Tonight, even, she was different.”
“And you think that’s with you? That you’re what she needs? Maybe you don’t know her as well as you think you do.”
I jab a finger toward the general direction of the front door. “I know the woman who just walked through that door isn’t the Avery I was lost in the woods with.”
“What makes you think you know her at all?” Duke asks slowly.
“I was with her in the wilderness,” I state with grim firmness. “I know her better than anyone else alive right now.”
Neither of us speak as Duke digests my words; there is not even the barest flicker of emotion on his face.
“You’re leaving,” Duke says after a time, as if to remind me.
“I am.”
“You think she wants to go with you.”
I s
hake my head. “I don’t know.”
“But you want her to go with you.”
“I do.”
“Why are you leaving?”
“I need a change. I want to explore the world around me.”
His shoulders slump, a curious brightness coating his eyes. “I just got her.” A note of pleading accompanies Duke’s words. “Don’t take her away.”
I close my eyes and drop my head. “It doesn’t matter what I want; I asked her and she never answered me. That’s as good as saying no.”
“Where are you going?”
“Alabama.”
Duke narrows his eyes. “Why Alabama?”
“It seems like a good place to start.” I shrug when his scrutinizing look doesn’t abate. “I want to see all fifty states.”
“When do you leave?”
“August 23rd.”
Grimness takes over his face. Duke walks past me, his parting words, “August 23rd can’t come soon enough. I hope you enjoyed your going-away party.”
“Thanks,” I mutter, running a hand across my face. I’m tired, and slightly drunk. Duke Renner, the man I’ve always looked up to, can’t wait until I’m gone, and the person I ache for, is not with me.
AVERY
The first day back to work is a blur.
I walk in a fog, unable to concentrate, forcing smile after smile. Something is missing. Something big. I stop before the closed door to what used to be Ben’s office, the office that is now mine. The office I don’t deserve. It should still be Ben’s and he should be here and he’s not and it makes my eyes sting and my throat tight.
Ben and I were supposed to be the creative team here, but we never, or rather, I never, got the grasp of that. I wanted to be better than him, and I was, but the cost wasn’t worth it. Funny how that hindsight thing works.
I move on, settling into a chair in one of the rooms and opening a folder that holds important information on Elliot Accessories. I stare at the words, not really seeing them. Nothing about this feels right. The rooms are too small and I feel constricted; I can’t get enough air.