by Suzanne Snow
Their meals had arrived, and she and Gina thanked the waiter as he poured water and left them alone. Gina’s smile was caring. ‘I understand why you’re worried and trying to compare your relationship with Jared against a possible one with Tom. But they aren’t the same, Liv. Not the same men. Would you want to be held up against Tom’s ex-wife and cast aside because of something she’d done?’
‘Of course not.’ Olivia knew how unfair that would be as she picked at a forkful of her food.
‘I know why you’re doing this, it’s perfectly obvious.’ Gina finished her cocktail and put the glass down, her look unflinching on Olivia. ‘Because you’ve fallen in love with him. That’s the part you’re not telling me and you don’t need to, I can see it.’
Olivia’s mouth opened and Gina held up a hand. ‘Don’t bother denying it. If it was just a bit of fun, a pause as you said, then you’d be sitting here all merry and telling me what a good time you’d had together. Instead you’re agonising about whether to end whatever it is you have before he does it first.’
Olivia’s forehead was in her hands. ‘I knew I should’ve let you have brunch on your own,’ she said helplessly. ‘You talk far too much sense for this hour of the morning.’
‘Morning?’ Gina smirked. ‘You surely don’t need me to remind you it’s practically midday? It must have been quite the night. Despite the glow you look exhausted.’ She paused, serious again. ‘I think you should tell Tom how you feel, Liv.’
‘I’m not doing that, at least not yet.’ Olivia was vehement as she reached for her glass. She wasn’t quite so hungry now. ‘He’ll probably be horrified and run a mile.’
‘Like you’re threatening to do, you mean? What if, and here’s the thing you haven’t thought of, he feels the same?’ Gina’s next words were kind. ‘Only you and Tom can decide if you can have a life together after Christmas and you’re not going to find that out by pretending it’s only a pause. Have the conversation before it’s too late.’
Olivia nodded doubtfully and Tom wasn’t mentioned again as they caught up on their news. Once their meals were finished, Gina stood up.
‘I’ll be back in a minute. Let’s have something sweet to finish, I totally trust you to choose me the perfect dessert if they come over whilst I’m gone.’
‘Absolutely. About a billion calories at least.’ Out of habit, Olivia pulled her phone from her bag; she’d barely looked at it this morning. She turned her email notifications back on and saw the number piling up without opening the app and her response was a sigh. There were a couple of text messages and she ignored those to listen to her voicemails first.
She had the dessert menu in her other hand, idly perusing it as she played the oldest voicemail first. It was from her assistant asking her to call him back and she rolled her eyes; that was the last thing she felt like doing in this moment. Her mind was full of Tom, and it was a stretch to even decide on a pudding right now. She wanted to go back to the house, to see him and find out how he was feeling too, after last night. She wanted to be with him, and the thought was a happy one which began to banish the doubts.
The second voicemail was also from her assistant and he sounded concerned, asking her to call him as soon as possible. He’d rung nearly an hour ago and Olivia was impatient as she waited for the call to connect. Gina was back and Olivia pointed to her phone with apologetic eyes. Gina nodded as she sat down. The restaurant was still packed, and Olivia had to ask her assistant to repeat himself once he’d picked up, not certain she had heard him correctly even second time around.
‘What? It can’t be!’ Her eyes widened in horror and she was already fumbling for the iPad in her bag, almost dropping it in her haste as it clattered onto the table. ‘I scheduled that myself and it’s tomorrow, I’m sure. It was awfully close to Christmas but it was the only time they could give me.’
Worry was already racing through her mind, shock making her heart bump as anxiety began to prickle on palms becoming damp. She frantically brought up her calendar, staring at it in dread and knew her assistant was correct as she checked the confirmation email as well. She’d planned her last online client meeting before Christmas for this morning, not tomorrow as she’d thought, somehow assuming it wouldn’t have clashed with her and Gina’s brunch. In her distraction and fun with Tom for his birthday, she’d clean forgotten to check.
Utterly mortified, Olivia apologised as her assistant explained that he’d managed to reach Julian and her business partner had taken the meeting with a demanding and important new client instead. Her assistant had covered her back by saying that she had been unavoidably detained, and she knew Julian would be wondering exactly what was responsible for this most uncharacteristic mistake.
She apologised again, thanking her assistant gratefully for dealing with the situation and trying to look after her in the process. She was already typing an email to Julian to thank him too, suggesting that they speak later so she could explain her oversight. Gina was waiting patiently and had ordered dessert for both of them.
‘I’m so sorry, Gina’ Olivia muttered, trying to compose herself as she put the iPad away, her eyes still flicking over her phone in case there were other horrors waiting. She just didn’t do this. She didn’t ever let the balls drop, she made certain to keep everything in the air, it was how she got by and stayed in control. ‘What a rotten brunch this is turning out to be for you.’
‘Not really. I’ve had worse meals out, you know that, what with four boys to bring up. At least we got to see each other and catch up.’
‘I promise I’ll make it up to you.’ Olivia smiled weakly, her heart still finding its way back to normal. ‘A spa weekend on me at the very least.’
‘You don’t need to do that – we’ve always been there for each other and that won’t change, however many brunches you mess up.’ Gina reached across the table to squeeze Olivia’s hand. ‘You made a mistake and missed a meeting. Don’t beat yourself up, the sky didn’t fall in because you had something else on your mind.’
Gina’s voice dropped sympathetically. ‘And Liv, however much you love your work and I know you’re damn good at it, do you ever think about what all those extra hours cost you? What you might be missing? I understand it makes you feel safe and secure, and that falling in love is so unpredictable, especially when you weren’t expecting it. But you can still be the best in the business and have someone wonderful in your life if they come along. It’s allowed. You’ve guarded your heart for a long time now, and just maybe it’s time to let someone else have a go.’
Chapter Twenty
Olivia saw the lights on in the annexe when she returned to the house and guessed Tom must be in the shop. Her dad was coming home tomorrow, and she had preparations to do in readiness for his arrival, and then there was book six for the Twitter hashtag to decide upon and tweet. Neither she nor Tom knew how much longer they would be here but it was certain that this would be the last Christmas spent with her dad in this house. The thought was a melancholy one that pressed in on her even more than it had a month ago.
She pushed thoughts of all that aside as she sat at the kitchen table with her laptop. Julian had already replied to her email and she ran her eyes over her other correspondence before calling him. She wanted to go to Tom, to seek him out, and ignored the desire as she settled into work instead, trying to compensate for her mistake.
She was still at the kitchen table when Tom came in, the door shutting noisily behind him. She’d meant to do some cleaning but had decided she needed to be up to speed with work instead. She didn’t want any other nasty surprises. Olivia felt his presence like a touch on her skin the second he spoke, unable to forget a moment of last night with him and how they had spent it.
‘I didn’t see you there, Liv. If I didn’t know better I’d think you were trying to scare me off again.’
No, that’s me, she wanted to say. Scared of how I feel and what I’m going to do about it. Trying to picture my life with someone as amazing a
s you in it. How I’d be if you left. He came up behind her and she sensed him hesitate and then his arms went around her shoulders, the chair an awkward barrier between them. Tom leaned around to place a kiss on her cheek.
‘It’s been a long afternoon without you. I thought you might pop in but obviously you’ve been busy. The shop was busy too, the word on Twitter has got around and I did quite a few selfies. As my publicist I hope you’re happy, I even mentioned my book once or twice.’
‘That’s nice.’ The knowledge that he had been recognised again didn’t please her in the way it had before, as she thought of his public life, their separate realities drawing him away from her. ‘I decided to stay in the house, I had some unavoidable work to do. And I really should be sorting out my dad’s room for him.’
Olivia heard her coolness and wished she hadn’t spoken in quite the way she had. Those things were not Tom’s responsibility, and she was already doing it – pushing him away and using her fear of being left like before. Maybe it would make the situation easier for both of them, measuring him against her marriage. She ignored the small voice that told her Gina was right and this wasn’t fair.
‘I would’ve helped if I’d known.’ His arms left her, and he stepped back.
There was worry in his tone and she regretted her words even more, still unable to stop herself from putting more distance between them. ‘You can’t, it’s work. Sorry Tom, could you give me some time?’
‘Of course.’ He moved away, flicked the light on, making her blink. ‘You haven’t forgotten about book six, have you? I had a sneaky peek at Twitter and people are wondering. And I’ve got my choice ready for you.’
‘You could just tweet it then.’ She pushed her glasses into her hair to run a tired hand over her face. ‘I can give you the password.’
‘I think it’s better coming from you, in your voice. You’ve written all the others so beautifully.’ Tom was at the fridge. ‘Glass of water? Wine? I’ll make you something.’
‘No thanks, I had a coffee earlier.’
He closed the fridge door and crossed the room to turn on the tap. ‘Liv, what’s up? If I had to make an educated guess, then I’d say it has to do with last night and how you’re feeling now about what we did.’ He paused. ‘Where it leaves us.’
She ignored him for a second, her heart beginning to thud. She was trying to focus on a property she needed to view and it was hopeless, she couldn’t think about work with Tom here now and the trace of hurt she’d already recognised in his voice.
‘Liv? It won’t go away, we have to talk.’ Tom put the glass down to pull out a chair opposite her. ‘And I don’t like how this feels, now.’ He went to reach for her hand and she drew it away. ‘Okay. I think I’m beginning to see.’
‘Can you give me a few minutes to send this email?’
‘Of course.’
He sat in silence and she was feeling crowded, the sense of him being in her space, not allowing her the freedom to work in peace. Six minutes later Olivia put the phone down and turned it over, took her glasses off.
‘Tom, I, last night, it was…’
His eyes were narrowed on hers, the blue seeming sharpened by surprise. ‘Wonderful? Significant? Or a mistake?’
‘Possibly all three.’
‘Right. Good you’ve cleared that up for me. If I were answering that question then I would have left out your third point.’
‘I don’t think we should do it again. I was thinking you were probably feeling the same.’ There it was. The opportunity for him to take, to say it was fun, finished. He could walk away and Olivia would make herself get over it, she’d done that before.
‘What if I don’t feel the same? And are you going to share a reason for this decision with me?’
‘Because neither of us live here, not really. This isn’t our real life. I have to go back to Manchester and you’re probably going to be in London.’ She wanted to touch him, to reach out and hold his hand and try to make him understand, hating the hurt she already saw outlined on his face.
‘Tom, I believe your book could be a big success and you might decide to act again. And that would be wonderful, and I don’t want to be someone holding you back. And I won’t be the one left behind again, keeping everything together.’
‘Holding me back?’ His laugh was harsh. ‘I think you mean it the other way around. That I’d be the one holding you back. I’ve got nothing I can bring to this, to us, except a future I want to work for. Why do I get the feeling that matters to you?’
Olivia couldn’t find the words to tell Tom that it didn’t matter. That she didn’t need anything from him, didn’t need him to have a house or even a job. He was all she wanted. Maybe if he did think that was her reason then this would be easier. She didn’t share that after these weeks together and then last night she felt as though he’d brought her back to life, one which she didn’t yet know quite how to live.
She looked down, turned her phone over and back again. Felt herself drawn to the notifications she saw there, the safety in her work and the demands it made that didn’t need her to feel anything more than professionalism. ‘You know how important my career is to me and I missed something crucial today.’ She couldn’t meet his gaze now. ‘I took my eye off the ball and messed up because I was distracted.’
‘What did you miss?’
‘A meeting with a new client, one my business partner has wanted for ages. He had to step in and I’ve never let him down before.’ Olivia hesitated. ‘I need to see a property for them and I’m going to do it tomorrow.’
‘But you’re meant to be on holiday, and we’ve got this party to plan.’
‘I know. But I have to go.’
‘Do you really?’ There was a suggestion of bitterness in Tom’s voice. ‘The day before Christmas Eve? This client, whoever they are, can’t possibly wait a few days?’ She didn’t reply and he exhaled slowly. ‘I see. You want to go, to be there for them. Not us. Or your dad.’ Tom didn’t attempt to disguise the cynicism now. ‘So was last night all just part of my present? Some gift, Olivia. You’re quite the party planner.’
‘Of course it wasn’t part of the plan!’ She stood up, her chair scraping across the cold floor in her haste. ‘I wanted to do something nice for your birthday and things progressed. What happened between us was a possibility, we both know it’s always been there.’ She hesitated. ‘Maybe it was just unfinished business, something to get out of the way before we move on.’
‘Unfinished business?’ Tom drew out the words incredulously. He jumped up so quickly that his chair fell backwards, and he didn’t attempt to right it. ‘Ticked me off your list, have you? Told your friends already? Tom Bellingham, failed actor, writer. Failed man. Was it all part of your publicity plan, to make people feel sorry for me?’
‘What? No, of course I—’
‘After these weeks here and how we are together, the way you took care of me that night. The way we laugh. I thought we were a team, planning this party. And maybe so much more.’ His eyes were glistening now and she knew she’d wounded him, that somehow her attempt at reason had failed them both. ‘Now I find out that I was only unfinished business for you. Was it even me you saw, Olivia, or just that guy off the TV? A character?’ Tom’s voice dropped and she was devastated at what she’d done. ‘And fool that I am, I seem to have fallen in love with you.’
Olivia’s phone was in her hand and it hit the floor with a sharp clatter. She wanted to confess, to tell him it was how she felt too but she was afraid of saying it out loud to someone she had known for so little time. It couldn’t possibly be real, couldn’t last or amount to anything more than a holiday fling. Or could it? She was struggling to make sense of their situation, her mind racing as fast as her heart was pounding.
‘I know it’s madness, the last thing I expected. But here I am.’ The short laugh which followed from Tom was ironic. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll learn to live with it. I daresay this little chat we’re having might go som
e way to changing how I feel.’
He stormed across the room, his hand on the door. ‘I wasn’t planning on going back to London.’ The desolation in his words rattled through her, making her want to cry at his admission. ‘I was going to tell you tonight that I’ve accepted the job of programme director with the retreat. A new beginning, a chance to start over, or so I thought. But there’s obviously no reason why you would be interested in that.
‘I’ve been without a proper home for most of my life, Liv. And being here with you has felt more like home than any I’ve known since I was a kid. I love how we are together, and I thought maybe we had a chance. Could find a way. But I can’t blame you for not wanting to take a chance on someone who’s a failure, it doesn’t fit your life.’
The words fell like hammer blows on her already fractured heart and Olivia gasped at the pain radiating from her chest – pain she’d also caused this wonderful, sensitive man.
‘Tom, please, let me…’
‘No need, I think you’ve been quite clear. When you said that it’s okay to fail, to get stuff wrong as long as you try again, you meant everyone but you, didn’t you? You made a mistake today and you’re blaming us, me, for letting it happen. You don’t do failure because it happened to you before and that’s why you won’t give us a chance. You won’t let yourself stand still long enough to try. It seems I can’t make you fight for something you don’t want either.’ Tom’s reply was crushing, weighted with regret. ‘The Polar Express, by the way. For book six.’ He was still staring at her. ‘For fools like me who were starting to believe.’
Chapter Twenty-One