Alex wakes me gently when we get to the condo. I finally speak.
“I’m sorry for everything, Alex. You don’t need to fight with Cruz over me.”
“We’re not fighting. Each of them has their own reason for being distant, but I’ve been telling them for days you needed us.”
“If I could cry right now, I would, but —”
“There have been enough tears shed. What’s done is done. You’re home now. This is a place you can be yourself. No one’s going to make you uncomfortable. I’m here for you, Ember. Those guys have a lot of misplaced anger, but today was eye opening. I can’t speak for Robbie, or even pretend to know what’s going on in his head, but I can tell you he loves you and he’ll be back.”
“Can we not talk about him?”
“We’re going to have to eventually.”
I don’t answer but walk up to the house, suddenly exhausted. Alex ushers me to the sofa and takes the bags of food to the kitchen. When he comes back, I’m curled up in my usual ball, staring out the window.
“Tell me what’s going through your mind.” He crawls in behind me, wrapping his body around mine.
“Nothing. It hurts to think. It’s easier to keep my head clear.”
“This is unhealthy, Ember.”
“Have you ever been heartbroken, Alex? So emotionally spent that everything you have to do to survive aches? Just getting out of bed becomes a chore. The pain is like no other. It slices through me every time I allow myself to think. So a blank mind is the only thing that keeps me from feeling the pain so deep it threatens to choke me.”
“Jesus, babe, we have to get you through this.”
“I was in physical pain yesterday when Raven walked in. Her eyes are identical to Robbie’s. I love his eyes. I mean I loved everything about him, but his eyes tell a story. They are so blue and bright when he’s happy. Azure, Royal Blue, Cobalt, any color of the spectrum can describe him and his moods.”
“He’s coming back, honey.”
“He’ll be back in Nashville, but he’s not coming back to me.”
“You don’t know that.”
I shrug.
“Do I need to worry about you hurting yourself?”
“I’m broken, not suicidal.”
“Please tell me what to do.”
“You know what’s funny? Even though the days keep passing by, it almost feels like time stands still. When I allow myself to think, I can still feel the touch of his lips on my forehead the night he told me he was leaving. The emotions in the room still swirl around me, never going away. Logically, I know it’s been days, but mentally, I’m still in his arms. Pathetic, huh?”
There’s a shuffling behind me before Aunt Chloe comes into my line of sight. She bends down and takes my hands in hers. There’s no doubt she overheard me.
“I know exactly how that feels. Tomorrow’s a new day,” she says softly. “I’ve let you down. I’m so sorry.”
I nod and squeeze her hand.
“That fucking boy needs to get back here and get his shit together,” my dad utters.
Cruz climbs on the sofa, squishing Alex and me under his body. In true Cruz fashion, he hugs me so close I lose my breath. “We’ve been assholes. Your decision to put yourself in danger made us furious. I was so consumed with my own feelings, I didn’t see how much you were hurting. Can you forgive us?”
“Yes. But only if you get off of me. I’m starting to sweat.” He rolls off, dramatically hitting the floor.
I giggle at his flailing body, and he smiles back at me. “We’ll get through this.”
We’ll see.
Word must have spread that I was a wreck. Each day, someone stops by the store to ‘say hey’. Abbi’s visit was actually legitimate. She brought in Raven, Charlie, and Ella for their dress fittings. They insisted I go to lunch with them, and Chloe pushed me out the door.
It was a nice gesture, but as soon as we sat down, I realized it was a mistake. Being with them reminded me of Robbie. I only lasted thirty minutes before making up an excuse to go back to the store. Disappointment was written all over Raven’s face, but it was too much for me. After that day, it was only small drop-ins.
Jenna and Evelyn Black came to discuss sketches for Christmas parties. Jenna stayed close to me the whole time.
James popped in because ‘he happened to be in the neighborhood’.
Tripp, Jimi, and Gabe stopped by with the excuse of checking on their tuxes for Jimi’s wedding. It was still months away. If Tripp knew I’d moved out, he didn’t say anything, just looked at me kindly.
No one ever mentioned Robbie, but it was obvious they wanted to.
It has been ten days with no contact from him. Ten days that my heart splinters with every glance at my phone, wishing for a message. Aunt Chloe tries to make me talk about my feelings, but our grief is entirely different.
She lost the man she loved when he died. I lost mine because of my actions. She’d never see CK walking down the street, or run into him at friendly functions. The fear of watching him fall in love with another woman isn’t even an option.
The sound of a car door slamming brings me out of my thoughts, and I watch with dread as my mother comes through the door.
Fucking perfect, I say to myself.
“Ember.” She looks around nervously.
“Serena.”
“Can we talk?”
“About what?”
“Are you okay? You look sick.”
“That’s what you want to talk about, is how I look? In case you didn’t pay attention, my life went to shit. I’m lucky to get out of bed some days.”
She has the decency to look guilty. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Seriously, why are you here? So help me God, if you’re here for more money or about Natalie, walk out now.”
“No, I’m here to give you this.” She tries to hand me an envelope, but I throw my hand in her face.
“Last time someone gave me an envelope, it led to really bad things. Keep it for yourself.”
“It’s from your sister.”
“I don’t have a sister.”
She flinches at the venom in my tone. Her eyes grow wide and start to swell with tears. “She deserves that.”
“She deserves a lot of things, none of them pleasant.”
“It’s an apology letter.”
“For what exactly? The options are endless. Doesn’t seem that envelope is thick enough to contain the paper it would take to list everything she should be sorry for.”
She lays it on the counter and looks back at me, the tears now gone. “I’m sorry, too, Ember. Over the last few months, I’ve reflected on the terrible things I did and allowed. Your father was right. He told me that one day the light would switch and I’d realize what a wonderful daughter you are.
“If you think I’m a monster, you’re right. Thank you for saving my life that night. There are so many things I want to tell you, but none of them seem as important as my sincere apology and extreme gratitude.”
I’m speechless.
Dad walks in the front door with Alex in tow. They both stop dead in their tracks, looking at my mother with death glares.
She holds her hand up to stop them from speaking. “I’m leaving right now.” Her eyes come back to mine for a brief second before she walks between the two men out the door.
“Ember?” Alex comes straight to me.
I lay my head on his shoulder and replay the last five minutes. Dad picks up the letter and looks at it with disgust.
“You going to open this?”
“Not today. Maybe not ever. Nothing she could say will matter. She’s dead to me. “
Chapter 46
Going Home
Robbie
We wave at Hunter’s mom one last time as we drive away. This was the last family. For thirteen days, we’ve driven thousands of miles to visit the graves of our friends and meet their families. Each night, we’ve reminisced, drinking in celebration of th
eir lives.
Most of the nightmares have stopped. I no longer dream about the roadside bomb so vividly or feel the pain in my leg. But I still have visions of Ember and the look on her face during the raid.
Thinking about her hurts. Every night before falling asleep, I stare at the pictures of her on my phone. It’s taken every bit of self-control not to call or text her, just to hear her sweet voice and tell her about my day. But I made a promise. A promise to my counselor and myself I’d do this for me. The closure was necessary for me to move on. My hand rubs my chest where my heart pounds wildly. Then it moves to the spot that now is branded with Ember’s trademark.
“Now that we’ve completed that mission, it’s time to talk.” Max directs his comment to me.
“About?”
“We’ve respected your privacy about the thing with Ember. Gave you this time to concentrate on what you needed to. But what’s going to happen now?”
“We’ll figure it out when I get home. This trip gave me time to really understand why she did what she did.”
“Robbie, it’s not good with her,” Finn adds. “I’m not sure leaving her was a good idea.”
“How would you know? You’ve been with me. Did someone call you?”
“Raven, Tripp, Jimi, Gabe, Cruz, my mom, your dad. So pretty much everyone.”
“Are you fucking with me?”
“No, maybe if you’d take calls and check your texts, you’d know this already.”
“Even I got a message from Raven, begging me to have you call her,” Max tells me.
I exhale loudly and pull out my phone, turning it on. Besides looking at the pictures at night, it’s purposely been off, and pretty much for this reason.
“While I wait for this to load, you want to tell me what you know?”
“Tripp says she looks like a walking zombie.”
“Shit!” I scream. “Twenty-eight text messages and twenty voicemails.” I groan. They date back to the day I left, starting out fairly simple.
Raven: How are you?
Mom: Have you spoken to Ember?
Tripp: Hope your trip is good. Haven’t seen Ember in a few days.
As the date stamps progress, the messages become more urgent.
Panic seizes my heart at the last message sent this morning.
Cruz: You’re a real asshole. Complete and fucking dickhead. I understood why you were upset. Hell, we were all upset. Two weeks without even checking on her? If you loved her, you should have made sure she was taken care of. There is no more shining light.
“Fuck.”
“Told you, man.” Finn shakes his head. “What exactly happened between you two?”
I tell them about the days leading up to our departure and our conversation in the living room. I leave out the part about when she finally fell asleep, and how I watched her all night, thanking God she was okay.
“Complete jerk move.” Max frowns. “You really know how to screw up.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You basically told her to be gone when you got home.”
“That’s not what I said at all.”
“You gave her silence.”
Fuck. I dial Tripp’s number.
“You coming home soon?” he greets me.
“On our way now. Can you tell me if Ember’s car is in the parking lot?”
“Nope,” he answers immediately. “Hasn’t been here since the day after you left.”
“Dammit!” I hang up, and immediately, my phone starts ringing.
“Dad,” I answer. “This isn’t a good time.”
“I tried to respect your space, but you’ve left devastation. What the hell were you thinking?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I understand you needed to take this trip for closure, but the timing was terrible. You have no idea what you’ve done to Ember. I get that you’re mad, but if you love someone, you work through it. You don’t haul ass for two fucking weeks and leave that person hurting!”
“Dad, this is none of your business.”
“No, it’s not, but for the first time in my life, I’m disappointed in you.” His words sting. “That girl you claimed to love had a rough life. For once, she had faith in something, which was you. Hope your wounded pride was worth it. Thad is so worried about Ember, he’s talking about moving her.”
“Why?” Panic sets in.
“He wants her away from all the reminders of people that hurt her, including you. Give her a fresh start. “
“That’s not fucking happening. I’m on my way home now.”
“I’m not sure you deserve someone as wonderful as her. You have a woman who is so selfless she put herself in danger to protect the ones she loves. She knows she did wrong, but your form of punishment doesn’t fit the crime.” He doesn’t let me respond before hanging up.
I immediately dial Ember’s number. The first time, it goes to voicemail, but the second time, Cruz answers.
“What?”
“Where’s Ember.”
“Sleeping.”
“Why is she sleeping there?”
“You have no clue, do you? No fucking clue. She’s here because she lives here.”
His words gut me. “Since when?”
“Let’s see, about five days after you left, we found her.”
“What do you mean, found her?”
Finn’s head snaps to me.
“Why do you care, Robbie?”
“Because that’s my fucking girlfriend.”
“Really, I’m pretty sure that girl is gone. What’s left is a shell.”
“Cruz, we’re on our way back to Nashville. I’ll be at your place in four hours.”
“Don’t come here, Robbie.
s. e I said, she is not the Ember you know.”
“Want to elaborate?”
“Not that I owe you anything, but at this point, who gives a shit? Ember lived in a hotel for five days until we found out.”
“Where the hell were you?”
“Don’t you dare question me. I’m carrying enough guilt. We all were upset with her, Robbie. We didn’t know you were going to leave her.”
Pain rips through me. “I’m coming to get her.”
“No, you’re not. If you care about her at all, leave her alone tonight. We had to slip a sleeping pill in her water to get her to sleep. She dozes off until she has a memory of you that jolts her awake. Then she goes back to staring at the damn wall.”
“What the hell?”
“Call her tomorrow. She’ll answer. She looks at her phone fifty times a day, hoping to hear from you.” The line goes dead.
A weight settles in my stomach, and my body sags against my knees in shame. “I’ve seriously fucked up,” I admit to my two best friends.
The rain beats down on my truck as I stare at Ember’s front door. My mind is on one thing- getting to her. Since we pulled into town last night, every cell in my body has been screaming to pound on their door until they let me in. But Max and Finn stopped me.
How could I be so stupid? She begged me to talk to her, and I pushed her aside as if she didn’t matter to me. In reality, she’s all that matters. My fucking pride and need for space… What a joke.
As soon as I walked into my place, the hair on the back of my neck stood. There was no evidence of Ember anywhere. She even washed my sheets, removing the scent of her from my pillows. There was no way I was sleeping, so I drove over here and sat in her parking lot, waiting for daylight. It’s been long enough.
I run through the downpour to her porch. My knock is soft, but the light overhead comes on and the locks click.
What I see stops my heart and shatters it into a million pieces. My beautiful Ember looks at me with wide eyes and an open mouth. But this is not my Ember. She’s a piece of the girl I left in bed two weeks ago. Her face is pale and hollow, no color to her skin at all. She’s lost weight, so much weight it’s scary. My shirt swallows her small body. Her hair is braided to
the side, lackluster, with no shine at all.
My knees wobble, forcing me to lean against the door jam to stay upright. She steps back in fear.
“R-R-Robbie?” she stammers hesitantly.
“Jesus fucking Christ. Are you okay?”
She starts to nod but stops and shakes her head violently. She reaches out to touch my arm, catching herself and withdrawing quickly. Then it happens; the most ear-piercing scream I’ve ever heard escapes from her mouth. She starts to sink, but I catch her in my arms, slamming the door with my foot. We both fall to the floor, and I roll so she’s forced to sit in my lap.
My body shakes along with hers, but for different reasons. Her cries are loud and desperate, fueling my self-hatred. Before I can comfort her, I’m yanked from the floor, forcing her to the side.
Alex catches me off guard, and pain radiates through my jaw with his first two punches. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth when my lip splits. Finally, I comprehend what’s happening and throw a punch to his torso, connecting with his ribs. He doubles over and tries to rush me, but I catch him and take him to the floor.
“Stop! Stop it!” Ember cries, Cruz holding her back.
I pin him with my knees, both of us heaving. He pushes free, then jumps to his feet, glaring at me. “You have a lot of fucking nerve.” He walks to Ember and sandwiches her between himself and Cruz.
My mind goes crazy, watching the two men hold her as she cries.
“She hasn’t cried since the day in the police station. She’s shed a few tears but never let herself cry. I’ve felt her tremble every night, her body trying to let it out, but she refuses. Her screams filled the house, and I knew you were finally here,” Alex practically spits.
“I’m okay.” Ember’s low voice fills the room as she finally looks at me. It’s nothing short of gut-wrenching.
She steps away from them and walks to the stairs. “I need a few minutes.”
We all watch her go upstairs, and Cruz passes me on the floor without a word. Alex grumbles and follows.
I rub my jaw and wait for her to come back down. After ten minutes, she’s still upstairs and the impulse to go to her is strong. But, obviously, I need to get answers and mend fences.
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