by Ruth Gogoll
“So what happened then?”
“Nothing.” Kim sighed, annoyed. “It has nothing to do with you.”
“Do you have a problem?” Jo asked concerned. “I mean, I know that there are some women who . . . women who can’t . . . well . . . can’t.”
Kim stared at her. What kind of crazy conclusions was Jo drawing about her? It came as such a surprise, she couldn’t speak.
“Kim! Here!”
Jennifer! Kim exhaled with relief. “No,” she said quickly. “I’m not one of those women. Like I said: It wasn’t about you. It was just bad timing.” She walked past Jo with long strides to reach Jennifer.
“Well?” Jennifer asked impishly. “Got a woman lined up for afterwards?”
“Pfft!” Kim lowered herself onto the barstool next to Jennifer’s. “We met yesterday, that’s all.” She ordered a beer from the woman behind the counter.
“Oh, she was the one you –” Jennifer looked around, trying to locate Jo. “Doesn’t look half bad,” she said when she got a look at her. “Was she some kind of pervert? Is that why you’re mad at her?”
“I’m not mad at her.” Kim sipped at her beer. “She’s completely harmless. No perversions.”
“But something sure spoiled your mood,” Jennifer said. “I’ve never seen you like this. What was it? What did she do – or not do?”
“Nothing.” Kim was getting annoyed. “Neither, nor. She just did completely normal things . . . or she tried, anyway.”
“Tried?” Jennifer was suddenly alert. “What does that mean? I thought you two –”
“We did. I mean, we would have, if I hadn’t . . . left beforehand.” Kim now took a large swallow of her beer and another one right after it.
“You left beforehand?” Jennifer’s expression was one of utter amazement. “I mean, I understand leaving afterward, but before?” She knit her eyebrows. “There must’ve been a reason. I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but you must’ve had one.” She gave Kim an encouraging look.
“I . . . I . . . She just wasn’t turning me on,” Kim said furiously. “It happens.”
“It happens to some women,” Jennifer said, “but I never thought that either of us would be among them.”
“Well, then, you’re all on your own, now, aren’t you?” Kim replied insolently, finishing her beer and ordering a new one.
“I hope you two aren’t fighting because of me?” A new voice joined them.
Kim stared at Jo, who was suddenly standing next to her. “Of course not.”
“Since Kim is guaranteed not to introduce us . . . I’m Jennifer.” Jennifer glanced at Kim out of the corner of her eye and winked at Jo.
“Jo. I don’t know why,” she went on, “but something scared her off yesterday, and she doesn’t want to tell me what.”
“Me neither. So we have the same problem.” Jennifer gave Jo a stern look. “What did you do to her?”
Jo raised both hands in a conciliatory gesture. “Nothing, I swear. At least, nothing unusual,” she added grinning.
“If you two are just going to amuse yourselves,” Kim said poisonously. “That’s not what I came here for.”
“You promised to tell me the whole story,” Jennifer complained. “I haven’t seen a bit of it. You keep dodging behind mysterious intimations. That isn’t like you at all. What’s up with you all of a sudden?”
“Um . . . did you two used to have a thing together?” Jo asked cautiously. “Because if you did, then I think I’d better go.”
“No, no, stay, it’s fine.” Jennifer was in her element. “It was a long time ago.” She smiled at Kim. “One wonderful night. And since then, we’ve been friends, without any further obligations. So don’t worry.”
“Are you sure?” Jo remained unconvinced. “Kim said something like that yesterday, but the way you two behave . . .”
“Don’t give it a second thought,” Jennifer said. “We always act this way. But we still don’t sleep with each other. That’s probably why we’ve stayed friends for so long.” She chuckled.
“Yeah, sometimes, that’s better than –” Jo looked from Jennifer to Kim and back again. “You had a wonderful night?”
“Oh, God!” Kim groaned. “Are we done yet?”
“Yes, we did,” Jennifer answered nonetheless with a look at Kim. “And I still remember it fondly.” Her lips curled expressively.
“Too bad.” Jo sighed. “I would’ve liked to have had that, too.” She looked at Kim.
“I’m leaving. Go ahead. Keep swapping stories about me.” Kim slid off her barstool.
“Come on, don’t be so sensitive. I really don’t know what’s going on with you,” Jennifer said. “You know, Kim, you need to relax. How about a threesome?” She looked at Jo. “So we all get something out of it.” She laughed.
“You’re off your rocker!” Kim scolded. “Both of you. I should never have come here in the first place. Have fun.”
She turned around, but was restrained by Jo’s arm. “I’m sorry. Maybe we went a little too far, but I didn’t know you’d take it so seriously.” Jo let go of her arm, and her apologetic expression soothed Kim.
“It’s all right. I . . . maybe I overreacted a little.” Kim ran a helpless hand through her hair.
“I think this has to do with her new boss,” Jennifer said to Jo. “She slept with her in a double bed . . . at a seminar.” She raised her eyebrows meaningfully.
“Thank you for your discretion,” Kim snapped. “I thought you two were going to behave yourselves.”
“We are,” Jennifer said. “But I think Jo has a right to know why you’re not yourself at the moment. She’s getting the complete wrong impression of you.”
“If you’re going to make me . . .” Kim sighed in resignation and slid back onto the barstool. “But really, that’s none of anybody’s business.”
“In the lesbian scene, everything is everyone’s business.” Jennifer grinned. “You know that.”
“A little more consideration from time to time would be nice,” Kim said.
“Okay, you’re right.” Jennifer nodded. “But how are we supposed to do that – when everyone knows everyone else?”
“I didn’t know you two yet,” Jo said, “but then, I haven’t been in the city long.”
“That’s the only reason you didn’t know us. That, and when someone doesn’t bring her new flame along.” Jennifer looked at Kim.
“She’s not –” Kim took a deep breath. “Why can’t you just leave me in peace?”
“Dance with me.” Jo smiled. “Then I’ll leave you in peace. I accept that we’re not meant for each other – even though I’d hoped otherwise – but I’d still like to know you better.” She turned to face Jennifer. “And you, too. No sex, but friendship – that would be something completely new for me.” She laughed.
That laugh took Kim by surprise. And all of a sudden she found Jo quite likeable. “I’m really sorry, Jo,” she said. “But I’d be happy to dance with you.”
“Then I’ll have a look around for a dance partner, too,” Jennifer said. “Now that a few more women have come in besides just the youngsters who’ve been here all night. You can’t do much with them.”
“All self-serving declarations.” Kim winked at Jo. “She has the highest virgin-rate in the entire city.”
“Well, yeah, in a pinch . . .” Jennifer grumbled and disappeared.
“You two are funny,” Jo said, as she and Kim walked toward the dance floor. “You act like an old married couple, and yet –” She started moving to the music.
“And yet, we don’t have sex?” Kim shook her head smiling. “Yeah, sometimes I find it strange, too, but I like it. Sex isn’t everything.”
“Wisely spoken, young lady.” Jo laughed. “If I’d known that in advance . . .”
“You still would’ve come on to me.” Kim chuckled. “That’s just how you are.”
“As I said, I’m new in town,” Jo defended herself. “How else am I supposed to make contac
ts, when I don’t know anybody?”
“And then afterward, you know everybody,” Kim replied with a sigh. “And everyone’s already had a thing with everybody else.”
Jo shrugged. “What am I supposed to do? There are only so many of us. And we don’t even all come to the dances and other events. We’re all just on the search for true love, really.”
“Are we?” Kim frowned dubiously.
“More or less. Aren’t you?”
Kim didn’t answer.
“No answer is also an answer.” Jo grinned.
~*~*~*~
Kim didn’t get home until close to six o’clock Sunday morning, so she spent most of the day asleep in bed. She’d so overexerted herself on the dance floor that she needed to recover. She hadn’t danced that intensely in a long time, and when she woke, she had the muscle cramps to prove it.
This is another way to compensate, she thought, if it doesn’t work out in the Darkroom. It was all still a puzzle to her. But the whole time she was dancing, she hadn’t had to think about Sonja – or at least, not often. If she hadn’t overexerted herself like that, she might’ve just brooded and brooded.
Sonja surely hadn’t done that, Kim thought. She was certain that Sonja had resumed her normal life, and on Monday, they’d sit in their adjacent offices, as if nothing had ever happened.
~*~*~*~
Monday morning, Kim found Sonja already working, as usual. As if nothing had happened – as predicted.
“Good morning,” Kim said, making an effort to keep her tone neutral. That was difficult for her, since Sonja was looking great and making Kim’s heart pound. How much she would’ve liked to take her in her arms, to caress her shiny, silky-soft hair . . .
As if nothing had happened . . .! Ha! Kim became aware that she’d been kidding herself. A great deal had happened, and she could no longer push that to the back of her mind. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want to subject herself to this torment, but neither could she defend herself against it. Why did it have to be Sonja, and not some random woman from the dance, with whom she could easily have avoided further encounters?
Sonja didn’t respond to Kim’s greeting. She sat behind her desk deliberating and watched her. Then she stood up. “Since you work so late into the evening so often, I figure that you aren’t in a committed relationship. Most men –” She broke off. “Most people,” she corrected herself, “don’t much like it when their wife comes home so late.”
What was that supposed to mean? A lump formed in Kim’s throat, and even though she found Sonja’s particular comment irritating, the sound of her voice sent hot shivers through Kim’s body. She nodded her confirmation, because she couldn’t speak.
“I’m afraid that I can’t –” Sonja began rather hesitantly. “I mean, I am in a committed relationship. I’m married.”
Ah, that was it! She was trying to tell Kim that she could forget about the prospect of having her as her girlfriend. Kim felt her stomach cramping, even though she’d been expecting this. How could it be otherwise?
“I know that, Sonja.” She tried to sound as composed as possible. “I’ve known that since the first day, when you introduced yourself in the conference room.” Which is precisely why I never should have started anything with her, she thought. Why do I always have to be so dumb?
Sonja grimaced, almost painfully. “Perhaps we shouldn’t try to continue any kind of personal relationship – just keep it professional,” she said. “I’m sorry that I ever started that. It was my mistake.”
Kim went to the door and shut it. As she did, Sonja watched her warily. What did she think? That Kim was going to try to rape her this early morning?
“We slept together,” Kim said in a muted voice, and Sonja grimaced again. “So we absolutely have a personal relationship. And I’m afraid I can’t just forget that. Can you?”
She observed Sonja, and it nearly tore her heart from her chest. Sonja appeared to be so distant; she might as well have been on the moon.
Sonja waved it away. “You’re right. That’s silly. But – well, we shouldn’t take any hint of a personal relationship outside of this room. Publicly, we have to look as though everything is completely and entirely professional between us, and only professional. Are you prepared to accept that?”
Kim nodded. “Of course.” Nervously she cleared her throat. “I think it would be appropriate for you to tell me what you’re going to do now.” Because I don’t know, she thought. But I have an inkling. She thought it would be best for her to share her inkling out loud; then perhaps the issue could be dealt with quickly. “Should I clear out my desk right now, or are you going to grant me a reprieve?” she asked.
Sonja looked her up and down. She ran a pensive hand across her chin and left it there as she continued to observe Kim. “Good question.”
I knew it! Kim tried to remain calm, even though she felt like she was dying to escape.
After a very long pause, allowing Kim to grow even more nervous, Sonja continued. “I’ve never gotten involved with a coworker.” Then she laughed dryly. “Let alone a female coworker! It only causes problems. I’ve always kept my professional and personal lives separate. Always.” Again she paused. “I’m going to push your promotion through as a high priority,” she said then. “So maybe you’ll be able to move into your new office a bit sooner. Would you be in agreement with that?”
Kim nodded. She was feeling a little confused. So Sonja didn’t want to fire her? For a second, she wondered if she ought to resign. But then she might never see Sonja again.
Sonja gestured in such a way as to indicate they’d reached the end of their conversation, but then gave Kim a reprieve. “Or do you still have questions?” she asked.
Questions? Thousands! But Sonja wouldn’t want to answer a single one of them. So Kim slowly shook her head no.
“Well, then . . .” Sonja sat down again.
Kim left her office, and a minute later, for the first time since they’d started working together, Sonja shut the connecting door between their two rooms.
~*~*~*~
The following weeks passed so coolly between them that Kim felt like she’d landed in an ice chest. No more side-by-side conversations, no more accidental touches, no laughter coming from Sonja’s office.
It was so apparent that Sonja found the idea of any mention of the seminar so abhorrent that Kim refrained from bringing it up, even though that demanded exceptional self-control of her. Seeing Sonja every day was bad enough. Their relationship had been reduced to supervisor – employee. Period.
It pierced Kim to the very bone every time she saw Sonja. She felt the yearning as much as she had on the first day, and she couldn’t prevent herself from envisioning Sonja the way she’d been then, on that one night, the only night.
But nights like that seemed to mean nothing to Sonja, Kim thought. She’d spent one with Klaus, and afterwards looked daggers at him. So Kim should count herself lucky that Sonja wasn’t doing the same thing with her.
One morning, Sonja called her into her office. “Your promotion has come through,” she said businesslike. “Property management will have your new office set up in just a few days. They’ll let you know when you can move in.”
“That fast?” Kim felt a slight quiver inside. “I thought it wasn’t until fall –”
“There was an open Team Leader position that needed to be filled quickly,” Sonja said coolly. “And so I suggested you.”
“I . . . thank you,” Kim stammered.
“I did tell you I was going to push through your promotion as a high priority,” Sonja continued, still objective and firm. “That’s what I did.”
“I . . . yes . . . which location?” Kim felt incapable of forming a complete sentence. In the next few days! At least the agony of giving Sonja a wide berth would be over, but what would come next?
“The Service Team on Michelbergring. Or doesn’t that suit you?”
Michelbergring. That was on the other end of the
city. Kim almost laughed. At the start, she had wondered how she could move Sonja’s office as far away as possible, so that she wouldn’t have to be so close to her, and now Sonja was doing just that to her.
“Yes . . . yes, of course.” She cleared her throat. “That’s fine with me.”
“The new salary and other details are things you had best discuss with the personnel office,” Sonja said. “They have all the files.” She looked down to read something on her desk, and when Kim didn’t reply at all, Sonja looked up. “Is there anything else?”
Kim slowly shook her head. “No,” she said softly. I’m afraid not, she amended in her thoughts. I’m afraid there’s absolutely nothing else.
Two days later, Kim got the news from property management that her new office was ready. Sonja had probably once again applied pressure to make things go faster than normal. After her own experiences with property management, Kim had figured on closer to a week.
She knocked hesitantly on Sonja’s office door. It still seemed strange that the door should be closed; until recently Sonja’s open door policy had always been in effect.
“Come in!”
Kim opened the door and entered the room. “My new office is ready.”
“Ah.” Sonja raised her eyebrows, apparently pleased.
She won’t miss me, Kim thought.
“You can go right on over. If you like.”
No, I don’t like. “Sure. I’ll do that. But –” Kim hesitated. “My successor – shouldn’t I stay to orient her?”
“I’ll take care of that. She’s coming next week. Until then I’ll manage on my own.” Sonja smiled a little. For the first time in a long time.
She’s glad to finally be getting rid of me, Kim thought. “Good,” she said. “If you have any questions or if you need anything, you can always call me, of course.”
“I doubt that will be necessary. Your filing system is quite easy to follow.”
She’s going to avoid contacting me at all costs, Kim thought. “Who . . . who will be taking over my position?”
“A Ms. Mayrhofer,” Sonja said. “You don’t know her. She just moved here recently from Munich.”