Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  “How bourgeois.” Sonja laughed softly. “Doesn’t it feel so much more illicit this way?”

  It’s illicit anyway, Kim thought. Even when we’re naked. She moaned, because Sonja hadn’t let up at all, and shortly thereafter, sank down on top of Sonja, her insides still twitching.

  “Was it good?” Sonja caressed her hair. “Isn’t it fun to do something forbidden?”

  Kim asked herself, not for the first time, whether that was the reason for this affair: that it increased the allure for Sonja to do something forbidden. She was committing adultery, every time. For Kim, there was nothing forbidden about it, but for Sonja, there was.

  “At least it’s more comfortable here than on our last field trip.” Kim grinned. “On those old boards.”

  “Don’t remind me. I think I still have splinters in my butt.”

  “It was your idea. Not mine.”

  “I . . .” Sonja looked into Kim’s eyes. “I don’t know why I have such a hard time controlling myself in your presence. It’s never been so hard for me before.”

  It could have something to do with a certain feeling that you don’t want to talk about, Kim thought. At least, that’s what I’d like it to be. “Shall we get up?” She rose and offered Sonja her hand.

  Sonja pulled herself up. Her fingers quickly and deftly opened Kim’s shirt and began to caress her breasts again.

  “Oh, no!” Kim moaned and leapt to the side. “First, we’re going to bed. What do I have one for, anyway?”

  “To sleep in. What else?”

  Kim dodged away. “We’ve already tried out every corner of my apartment, and a great many corners in a whole lot of other places, too. After all that research, I have to be honest with you. It’s most comfortable in bed.” She turned toward the bedroom and went swiftly inside.

  Sonja followed her, divesting herself of the last of her clothing. “On Saturday, we’ll drive out into the woods. It’s quite comfortable on the hood of a car, too.”

  “On the hood?” Kim stared at her as she undressed. “Outdoors?”

  “Well, sure. Haven’t you ever done that?”

  “Well . . .” Kim shook her head. “No, actually. Generally I prefer indoors.”

  “It’s more exciting outdoors.” Sonja was lying down next to Kim in the bed. “To make up for your stuffy bedstead.” She cuddled up to Kim and began to caress her.

  “Is there any chance that you’re writing a book about the most unusual places and positions?” Kim asked. “It seems like you want to try everything.”

  “I’ve already tried a few things.” Sonja kissed her.

  And Kim was certain that Sonja didn’t just mean what the two of them had tried together.

  ~*~*~*~

  “Helmke’s really getting on my nerves.” Kim sighed, as she and Jo were having lunch together. They were in the regular cafeteria, since Sonja wasn’t with them. “I feel like she’s following me.” She cast a quick glance toward the table where Helmke sat with two other women, to all appearances interested in nothing but her conversation with them.

  “I think she’s a lesbian,” Jo said.

  “Helmke?” Kim laughed. “With the hyphenated last name?”

  “She’s been divorced a long time.”

  Kim raised her eyebrows.

  “Didn’t you know that?”

  Kim shook her head. “I’m not interested in things like that.”

  “But the little cutie from your department is. She told me, in between all her other shocking little tidbits.”

  Kim laughed again, because Jo was grimacing painfully. “But never in her life has Babsie suspected that Helmke could be a lesbian. It would never occur to her. I’ll bet she doesn’t even know we exist.”

  “Could be. But that would explain why Helmke keeps following you like that.”

  “Well, she’s not following me like that,” Kim said.

  “Who knows?” Jo grinned. “Maybe this is her version of courtship.”

  “You’re pulling my leg.” Kim shook her head disapprovingly.

  “No, not at all. I’m serious.” Jo leaned forward. “Have you ever looked into her eyes?”

  “Hard as glass.”

  “Because she has such strangely light-colored eyes, that don’t go with her hair color at all.”

  “Which isn’t real, anyway,” Kim replied, enjoying the pizza, which was a rarity on the cafeteria’s menu.

  “Of course, that’s obvious. I’d like to know what her natural hair color is.” Jo dismissed the thought. “No, I wouldn’t, nobody cares about that, but her eyes aren’t always so hard, that I can tell you. She likes you.”

  That made Kim feel quite uncomfortable. “Don’t say things like that.”

  “I’m telling you that because I’ve seen it,” Jo insisted. “And I think you ought to know.”

  “Even if it were true, it wouldn’t mean anything to me,” Kim said.

  “Yeah, she can’t hold a candle to Sonja . . . er, to Mrs. Kantner, I admit that, but you know what unrequited love can do to some people.”

  “To me Helmke is . . . has always been, the embodiment of heterosexuality. In all its negative aspects.”

  “Some people are just late bloomers,” Jo pointed out. “We didn’t all seduce our best friend in the sandbox.”

  “Helmke?” Kim shook her head once more.

  “Who knows why her husband divorced her. I hardly believe she would’ve let him go voluntarily. Not the way she digs her claws into everyone she gets hold of.”

  Kim cast another cautious glance over toward Helmke’s table – something she shouldn’t have done, because Helmke happened to be looking directly at her. “Shoot.” Kim quickly steered her gaze back to Jo. “Now that you’ve got me thinking along those lines, she suddenly looks very different,” she said quietly, as if Helmke were near enough to hear her.

  “Somehow lesbian, right?” Jo grinned. “She’s watching you. Every time you go into the other cafeteria with Mrs. Kantner, you should see the look on her face.”

  Kim’s eyes flew open in horror. “Do you think she suspects –?”

  “She certainly doesn’t know for sure. Otherwise you would’ve heard from her long ago. But I’d be careful.”

  “Hopefully she’s leaving Sonja alone.” Kim was concerned.

  “She’s not attracted to Mrs. Kantner, she’s attracted to you,” Jo said. “Just like me.”

  Kim’s eyes opened even wider.

  “That came out wrong,” Jo said. “But you know I liked you from the start, whereas Mrs. Kantner is just not my type . . . which simplifies working with her enormously. I don’t know what I’d do if I found her attractive and had to work with her every day.”

  Kim sighed. “Remember who you’re talking to?”

  “Must’ve been awful when you were still her assistant. Even if it sometimes did have its advantages.” Jo winked.

  “It had zero advantages. I had to pull it together all day, every day.”

  “That you managed that . . .” Jo tilted her head to one side. “When you think she’s so hot . . .” She raised her hands apologetically. “I didn’t want to say it, I’m sorry, but if you could see the looks on some men’s faces when they come to her office for a meeting . . .”

  Kim swallowed. “I have seen them. I know what you mean.”

  “Aren’t you afraid sometimes –” Jo broke off, but Kim had already caught her meaning.

  “Sure.”

  “Are the other ones lesbians, too?” Jo changed the subject so fast that Kim could hardly follow her, but Jo’s glance toward Helmke’s table enlightened her.

  “To listen to you, one would think the entire company is lesbian.” Kim laughed softly.

  Jo laughed, too. “Except for Babsie. I would never suspect that of her!”

  “Maybe she’ll be just the one to surprise you.” Kim batted her eyelashes mischievously. “You never know. After all, she’s awfully eager to have lunch with you.”

  “She goes to l
unch with me because I’m the only one who’ll still listen to her.” Jo laughed. “Even her straight coworkers have had it up to here.”

  “I always thought straight women loved to talk about that stuff.”

  “Yes, when they get to brag about their own conquests, but Babsie doesn’t let anyone else get a word in edgewise.” Jo shook her head. “That woman can talk nonstop.”

  “She’s one of the best people in the Call Center.” Kim nodded. “Might have something to do with it.”

  “I’m sure. The customers never get to say a word, and that does it for their complaint.”

  “No, oddly enough, the customers are satisfied. They don’t usually complain any further.”

  “Probably because she’s convinced them that they have the best gadget in the world. She claims that about her boyfriend of the moment, too.” Jo grinned so broadly at this that Kim choked.

  “Does she?”

  “Oh, yeah.” Jo nodded in feigned seriousness. “And how. In detail.”

  “That you can stand it . . .” Kim shook her head in disbelief.

  “Well, I have ducked out on her a few times,” Jo said, “but she always manages to find me again. I have to eat sometime.”

  “You poor thing.”

  “I shouldn’t have been so friendly with her in the first place. She took it the wrong way.”

  “Hello, Kim.” Helmke walked past Kim and Jo’s table with her colleagues and greeted them smugly.

  Kim felt the sudden need to hunch her shoulders, as if to guard herself from attack.

  “Good afternoon,” Jo said with a grin. “Sweet Helmke,” she then added emphatically,

  Helmke stumbled and stared at Jo in disbelief, then, high heels clacking madly, caught up with the others who’d already passed her.

  “What was that about?” Kim asked, confused.

  “If she knows I’m a lesbian, it doesn’t matter. She’s welcome to spread that around. Everyone knows. I’m going to . . . intensify our relationship a little over the next few days.” Jo chuckled. “That’ll divert her attention from you and Mrs. Kantner.”

  “You don’t have to do that, Jo,” Kim said, embarrassed. “I can manage alone.”

  “I doubt it,” Jo replied. “I think she’s tasted blood. For you, it wouldn’t be so bad, but –” She looked at Kim.

  “Yeah.” Kim sighed. “I don’t even know what Sonja thinks about it.”

  “About coming out? I can tell you that. If she hasn’t done it by now, the chances are pretty slim. I mean, if –”

  Kim looked to the side. “If our relationship – if you want to call it that – even lasts,” she said softly. “Go ahead and say it. The thought has occurred to me before.”

  “I thought so. Affairs never last. I’m sorry to have to say it so harshly.”

  “I . . . I just can’t imagine it.” Kim propped her elbows up on the table and ran a hand through her hair. “Just recently she told me how much she misses me when I’m not with her. When she has appointments on her own, without me. That she wishes she had me for herself one hundred percent.”

  “But that doesn’t mean that you can have her one hundred percent, does it?” It was a rhetorical question, and Jo wasn’t expecting an answer. “That’ll never happen.”

  “Never.” Kim repeated the word as though it were the sword of Damocles, hanging above her, ready to fall at any time. “Why do you say that?” She gave Jo a tortured look.

  “Because it’s true.” Jo sighed. “Do you think I don’t know how it is? Why did I ask you if you had a partner before I –” She brushed the back of Kim’s hand gently. “Because I know how it is,” she added. “I know all too well.”

  “It didn’t last?” Kim looked up at Jo from below.

  “It never lasts,” Jo emphasized. “Never.”

  ~*~*~*~

  A week later Kim was on her way back to Michelbergring after having lunch with Jo because Sonja was busy with off-site meetings. She was hardly surprised to see Sonja in the middle distance, striding energetically toward an unknown destination.

  This time, Kim didn’t speak to her. She hesitated a moment, looked up at her office window, looked back at Sonja’s disappearing figure, and set herself – without really thinking about it or making a conscious decision – in motion.

  She followed Sonja to an apartment building. It was just a few stories high, with several small apartments on each floor; clearly relatively modest ones. Sonja pulled a key out of her bag and went inside.

  What was Sonja doing there? Was she visiting someone? Someone, indeed, whose key she possessed? Kim’s jealousy was aroused.

  Jo hadn’t mentioned that Sonja was going to be in this neighborhood. Sonja knew that Kim was very friendly with Jo, and therefore Sonja wouldn’t tell Jo all her plans. So Sonja had kept this “meeting” secret from Jo. She could leave the office any time and claim to have off-site meetings. She’d done that so often, it wouldn’t occur to anyone to question it if, for once, it wasn’t true.

  Kim approached the building and quickly scanned the names next to the doorbells. The names told her nothing. But then, why should they? Whoever Sonja was here to grace with her presence, she wasn’t intending to introduce this person to Kim.

  Kim looked up, as if she could somehow determine which apartment Sonja had entered, but that was impossible. It was daytime, so no one needed to turn on a light when entering an apartment, and aside from that – Kim gritted her teeth – aside from that, two people didn’t need to turn the lights on to roll around on the floor.

  She glanced behind her several times as she walked away from the building, but Sonja didn’t reappear. Kim would’ve preferred to stand outside the door until Sonja emerged, but she couldn’t justify that. She had to get back to the office.

  A coworker waylaid Kim with a question as soon as she walked back inside the building, and then she found a memo from Rolf on her desk that required some investigation on her part, because a device that a customer had sent in for repairs had gone missing. Thus passed the afternoon, without her really being aware of it.

  It was already getting late when the telephone rang.

  “You’re still there,” Sonja said with a gentle laugh. “Of course you are!”

  Kim froze at the sound of Sonja’s voice. She cleared her throat. “Where are you?”

  “Take a wild guess! Or look at your caller ID,” Sonja suggested.

  Kim glanced at it. Sonja was calling from the phone in her office. “You’re still at work?”

  “Same as you.” Sonja sighed. “I have to cancel our date, much as I regret it. I can’t make it today. I have mountains in front of me that I still have to work my way through, and tomorrow morning I have a meeting with upper management, at which time I have to present the new numbers. No chance for anything but work this evening.”

  This wasn’t the first time Sonja had canceled because she had too much to do, but it was the first time Kim had harbored any doubt as to the truth of that assertion. “So you’re not coming?”

  “Not unless you’ll still be up at two in the morning. But I don’t think that’d be very sensible.”

  Kim took a deep breath. “No, it wouldn’t be.”

  “I’m so sorry. But you know how it is.”

  “Yes, I know . . . how it is,” Kim said with an effort. It was hard for her not to ask Sonja where she’d been that afternoon, but she knew that was a question Sonja would never answer. Why else had she denied knowing Kim out on the street? It was even simpler to deny this afternoon. “Then . . . then ‘til tomorrow. At lunch. Or will you be out and about?”

  “No, not tomorrow.” Sonja sighed once more. “After the meeting with upper management, I’m going to need something more substantial than just a salad. You can go ahead and order me a stiff drink.” She laughed. “Then I’ll collapse right there, and they’ll have to find themselves a new leader for the reorganization.”

  “They won’t. They’ll just bring you right back to life. You’
re the best,” Kim said automatically. She’d said that sort of thing so often before and had meant it, but today, it almost felt like a prerecorded answer.

  “You’re sweet.” It seemed as though Sonja didn’t quite want to hang up yet, but she didn’t speak. “I’m looking at all the papers here on my desk and thinking about how often we used to do this together,” she went on at last.

  “I could come over there and help you,” Kim offered. “If you like.”

  “Ah, no.” Sonja sighed. “You have a pile of work yourself. I’m taking enough advantage of you on the project. Really, I should come over there and help you. But the way things look, we’re both going to be sitting alone in our offices for quite a while yet. Thanks for the offer. That was nice of you.”

  “Maybe we should combine our offices. Then at least we could sit across from each other while we’re working.”

  “Then we wouldn’t do any work,” Sonja said with a teasing laugh. “No, it’s best the way it is.” She made a kissing sound, said, “See you tomorrow,” and hung up.

  Sonja was sitting in her office. She was there, where she was supposed to be. Kim felt relieved. At least this evening she knew where Sonja was. She opened the next folder and started in on the next customer’s complaint. Today, she didn’t need to go home early.

  When her back started to hurt a while later, she stood up and stretched. The streetlights flickered in through the window. She swung her arms – office gymnastics – and stepped up to the window to look outside.

  One glance sufficed. Sonja. She was walking past, below. No, this time, Kim wouldn’t be convinced that that wasn’t Sonja. It clearly was.

  So, she has a lot to do, Kim thought. But not in the office. Sonja appeared to be on her way back to that apartment.

  ~*~*~*~

  “What do you do after work, when you’re not meeting me?” Kim asked the next day, as she and Sonja were having lunch. She simply couldn’t hold back any longer. All night, she’d lain awake, imagining Sonja going into that building. “And when you don’t go home?”

  “Excuse me?” Sonja stared at her, nonplussed.

  “Well, yesterday evening, you canceled, but not long after that, you weren’t too busy to be over on Michelbergring.”