“My parents told me you had given Noah up. That you couldn’t handle being a mom.”
“That’s not a complete lie,” she whispered. “I agreed to give them my – our – son when I didn’t see any other way to take care of him.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” Spence said, running his hand up and down the slim line of her spine.
“Do you forgive me?” Honor asked.
“You didn’t do anything requiring forgiveness,” Spence said. “Do I forgive you for making a deal with my parents after I was a teenage jerk? Yes.” He brushed a small kiss across her hair. “Do you forgive me for being a teenage jerk? It cost more pain than I could ever have imagined.”
“It’s the only way, isn’t it?” Honor said, pulling back from him. Gazing into his eyes. “That’s what Dr. Mills, my therapist said. The only way to move forward is with forgiveness.” She sighed. “But it’s fucking hard. They never mention that. It’s fucking hard.”
Spence nodded, not quite there with the forgiveness towards his parents but understanding that eventually they would need to be on board the same train.
“I can’t say what will happen between us. Between you and me, I mean,” Spence said. “We are totally different people than we were as kids. But I promise you, I vow to you with everything I am, I will never put my pride ahead of Noah. I will do whatever it takes to make sure we raise him with both of us in his life.”
“Are you permanently in San Diego?”
“For now,” Spence said. “I’m just wrapping things up and I’ll be out of the Navy in a few more weeks.”
“Why? I thought you wanted to be a twenty year career man?”
Spence shrugged. “Too much time away from Noah. Leaving him with my parents for months at a time breaks my heart. I don’t want to miss his entire childhood.”
“Do you want to stay in California?”
“No, I don’t think so. But you’ve been the one who has missed out on so much. I think I can afford to be a little flexible. Did you want to stay here in Harper’s Mill? Move out west? Go back to Pennsylvania?”
“I’ve missed Emma. If you’re open to it, I’d like to stay here. At least for a while.”
“Then I guess we’ll need to get our little man enrolled in preschool,” Spence said by way of agreement.
Honor nodded, a ghost of a genuine smile appearing on her face for the first time in years. She sat up straight and looked deep into Spence’s eyes. “I, Honor Rose Thompson, swear that Noah Daniel Spencer’s wellbeing will always come first. That I will tear up stakes and live on the Moon if it means being a mother to my son.”
He tugged her hand and together they rested on the couch, her cheek against the warm beating of his heart. Weariness beat against her and she felt her eyelids grow heavy. It was so late and she was so tired. Everything she had ever wanted and worked for was as close as sunlight on flowers and the sweet tug of exhaustion pulled at her.
Spence pulled a throw from the back of the couch over them and she sighed and snuggled deeper.
She’d done it, she thought with a glimmer of pride. Her son – her heart – was back in her life. Anything and everything after that was just gravy.
“I, Simon Nathanial Spencer Jr., do hereby swear that I will make all sacrifices, including not getting stationed on the Moon, to ensure that the three of us are a family. For ever and ever.”
“Amen,” she whispered, finally relaxing for the first time since that summer afternoon when Spence had broken her teenage girl’s heart.
Chapter Ten
“Watch me, Mommy!” Noah yelled as he raised his arms and squealed with joy riding the child size roller coaster at Land of Imagination, a nearby amusement park. “Daddy, do you see me?”
“He’s going to have such a belly ache,” Spence said.
Honor plucked off a portion of cotton candy. “He isn’t going to be the only one,” she predicted with a smile.
“Hey, I can’t help it if we all like cotton candy.”
“And the funnel cake.”
Spence nodded.
“The caramel apples.”
“They had apples in the recipe,” Spence teased, breaking off a piece of pink fluff from the cone in his hand.
“The deep fried Snickers,” she reminded him.
Spence shrugged. Maybe she did have a point.
“And those sugary frozen drinks,” Honor continued.
“We Spencer men have a high tolerance for sugar,” Spence argued.
“I can smell the diabetes from here.”
Spence laughed and put his arm around her shoulders, tugging her close. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“Spence, we,” Honor started, unsure of herself. “We can’t go back.”
“I don’t want to go back,” Spencer said. “That was a terrible time for you and a stupid time for me. But we have a son we both love and I want to move forward with his mother.”
Honor broke her gaze to watch Noah take another twirl around the ride.
“Is there someone important in your life?” he asked, insecurity flashing in his eyes.
She shook her head. “No. At first it was all about survival. And then. Well. No one special,” she finished.
“And there is no one in my life, either,” he whispered. “Never been anyone that came near to how important you are to me.”
Honor nodded, understanding what he hadn’t quite said. And she didn’t care if she felt an unnecessary bolt of jealousy at the thought of him with other women. She had been with other men but that didn’t stop her from loving him.
He placed a butterfly light kiss beneath her ear and was rewarded with a little whimper of pleasure.
“Not the neck.”
“You used to like the neck.” He grinned, feeling her turn pliable in his arms.
“I still like the neck,” Honor returned with a tart grin. “But not here. Not now.”
Spence nodded, nuzzling her neck until she giggled. “Fine, you win. Let’s go get our son.”
“Did you see me, Daddy?” Noah said as his parents unbuckled him. “Did you? I was a brave boy, wasn’t I? Do you think the Navy will need a brave guy like me?”
Spence picked him up and nuzzled his cheeks into his son’s neck to blow a gentle raspberry. “The Navy will always need brave guys like you, Noah.”
“And women, too,” Honor felt compelled to say.
“I’m not a woman, Mommy,” Noah said, laughing.
“That’s right,” Spence said, continuing to tickle Noah with his cheeks.
Noah’s giggle was belly deep. “Your whiskers are itchy,” he complained, placing his hands on the two day growth on Spencer’s face.
“Yeah, Daddy,” Honor said. “Your whiskers are itchy.”
“All the better to tickle you with, my dears!” Spence said, chasing after a squealing, giggling Noah.
Happiness overwhelmed Honor as she watched Spence chase Noah in a circle around her. She felt the physical release of knotted tension leave her as she realized the gift she was being given in the form of a second chance. She smiled, feeling the joy and discovery of “home”.
She wiped absently at the tears of joy falling down her cheeks. She was so tired of crying but was pretty sure these were the last of them. There would be challenges in the future, but with Spence, Emma, and Noah, she felt confident she could handle them all.
No more useless tears, thank you very fucking much, she thought.
“Mom?” Noah said, his little voice catching in panic. “Why are you crying? I was being good, wasn’t I? You don’t want to leave us again, do you?”
Pain tightened Honor’s throat and her chest hurt as if she’d taken a physical blow. She picked him up so they could be on the same eye level.
“I never wanted to leave you,” she said, never breaking eye contact. Spence’s arms enveloped the three of them in a family hug. “I was very young and I had no way to take care of you. Nowhere to live. No job. No money.” Spence kissed her foreh
ead but didn’t interrupt. “Your daddy was away and I had no way to get in touch with him. I made the best decision I could but it broke my heart letting you go.”
“I wasn’t a bad baby?” Noah asked, eyes growing moist before big fat tears trickled down his chubby little cheeks.
“Not even a little bit,” Honor vowed, her voice cracking. “And I will never leave you again.”
“Why didn’t grandma and grandpa help her, Dad?” Noah asked.
“I don’t know, kiddo.”
Spence and Honor shared a glance. They had decided to gloss over his parents actions for Noah’s sake. Nothing good could come from it, after all.
Noah nodded, laying his head against his mother’s shoulder. “Can I go for a ride on the horses?”
“I love the carousel,” Honor confided, kissing the soft outline of his neck and making him giggle again.
“That sounds like a great idea,” Spence said softly. “One more ride and we and then we’ll go eat a pizza?”
“Pizza?” Noah asked
“The best pizza in the world,” Honor promised. “I used to dream of Dom’s Pizza while I lived in Pennsylvania. Nothing else even comes close.”
“And then I’m going for a sleep over with Aunt Emma?” Noah said.
“Yep. Because Daddy has something he wants to show Mommy. But shh,” Spence said in a stage whisper. “It’s a secret.”
Noah nodded his head. “Don’t worry, Dad. I keep secrets real good.”
***
“The realtor just gave you the key?” Honor asked as Spence opened the door.
“No. Well. Kinda. The owner is an old friend of mine. I asked him. And he’s also the realtor so he said yes.”
“Who?”
“Jim Light.”
Honor snorted, unimpressed.
“I’ll have the kitchen redone and updated, naturally,” he began, his strong hands forming a director’s air frame against the slightly shabby and dated kitchen. “All new appliances and a big island for prep space. I want to make sure Noah and I get lots of pies and cakes.” Honor smiled at the idea of baking Noah’s next birthday cake here, in this kitchen. “The bathrooms, too, of course,” he continued as he took her on a short tour of the three bedroom, two bathroom Craftsman style house. “I think we can make the closets a little bigger if we sacrifice some of the bedroom space,” he said, his enthusiasm for the upcoming project catching. “And of course, a nice fence outside so Noah can feel safe playing in the yard.”
He looked as excited as a little kid. “And you know. Maybe a dog.”
“So, why are you showing all of this to me and not Noah?” Honor asked, genuinely curious to Spence’s intent.
Spence took her hand in his. “Here’s what I was thinking,” Spence said, drawing her into the kitchen. He tucked her in his arms, her back pressed against his chest as they admired the view of the mountains from the window. “I have to close up my apartment and wrap things up with the Navy out in San Diego. But I want Noah enrolled in school here. Until everything closes, he could stay with you at Emma’s. But afterwards, once the house is ready, of course, would you be willing to stay here with him until I come back? Here, in this house.”
Honor’s knees threatened to buckle with the gravity of Spence’s request. He was trusting her to leave her alone with their son while he went across the country to close out a chapter of his life. He had to know that living with her son was a dream come true. It was too much. There had to be a catch. “And afterwards?” she asked, turning in his arms.
Spence traced a line from her ear down her neck, smiling when her eyes dilated slightly in reaction. “Afterwards, I want to settle here. In my new home.” He kissed her – just a light brush across her lips. “Then, I want to court the girl of my dreams and hopefully, she’ll become the woman of my future.”
She stared at him for a long moment, not quite believing the carrot he was dangling before her. But she wasn’t the naïve girl she once was, either. “Will you go to counseling with me?”
Spence nodded once. He and his family had caused this woman a lifetime of pain in a short period of time. He was grateful she was even willing to consider forgiveness.
She put her arms around his neck, pressing her nose tight to his neck and inhaled his warm, masculine scent. They stood there for a long moment, enjoying their shared warmth and comfort. The give and take of the embrace. “I’m not the same girl I once was,” she warned.
“I’m not the boy I once was either. Hopefully, we’ve learned a few things. Lord knows I’ve made enough mistakes.”
“Same here,” Honor whispered.
“But how else will we know unless we try?”
“A courtship, huh? With ice cream cones and warm afternoons on your porch swing?”
“I will build a porch and a swing if you say yes,” Spence vowed. “But I want to do it right. The way we should have in the beginning.”
“I think a courtship would be nice,” she said, her eyes slowly raising to his. As their gazes met, heat enveloped them and slowly, giving her all the time in the world to back away, he lowered his lips to her. Once. Twice. As gentle and as sweet as a kitten’s fur.
“I want to make love to you,” Spence said against the shell of her ear. “Not rushed and hidden like the last time we did it. But I want to undress you and lay you out like a ten course meal and enjoy you. Savor each touch and taste and flavor.”
Honor’s breath caught with the imagery.
“I want it slow and steady. Fast and hard. I want to wrap my hand around your hair while I pound into you from behind,” he said with a growl. “And then I want to kiss you while you take the lead.” His voice changed pitch, softened.
“I want to take my tongue,” he said, pausing to tickle her ear with the tip, “and drive you mad.” His breath was soft and cool, sending a shiver of delight down Honor’s spine.
She giggled against him. “I think I need to hear more of those kinds of plans,” she teased, letting go and letting him find his way full back into her life.
“Stop!”
Spence and Honor broke apart as Ruthanne and Simon, Sr. stormed into the snug little bungalow. “Mom? What the hell are you doing here?”
“We could ask you the same thing!”
“I’m an adult, Mom,” Spence said, his brows creased. “I’ve been at sea and helped defend my country from threats foreign and domestic. I don’t need to ask my mother’s permission to look at real estate.” He bit out each word, renewed anger at his mother pouring from him. “Not that it should matter to you, but I made an appointment with the realtor to look at a house I’d like to buy. Your turn?” His arms crossed in front of his chest, his body language clear.
“You took Noah without telling us where you were going.”
Honor’s mouth dropped open with incredulity.
“He’s my son,” Spence said. He pulled Honor close in a show of solidarity. “He is our son,” he said, stressing the word “our.” He stared at his parents for a long time, daring them to contradict him. “I do not need your permission to travel with him.”
“How about the curtesy of a phone call?” Ruthanne challenged, eyes narrowing as she engaged in battle. “He’s our grandson.”
“And he was my son!” Honor said, fury and hurt and rage narrowing into an arrow focused solely on Spence’s parents. “How dare you have any opinion on what Spence and I do at this point?”
“I wanted the truth. A truth you and Dad blocked me from for years.” Spence’s brown eyes hardened and the earlier softness left. “A truth I let you block me from,” he admitted, softly. “You lied to me for years, Mom.”
Ruthanne’s mouth opened slightly as she was confronted with her past actions. Her chin tilted. “I did what I had to do,” she returned stubbornly.
Honor saw red. “You did what you wanted to do,” she began, her voice low. “You saw a silly, scared teenager who loved your son but for whatever reason, she wasn’t good enough in your eyes. Your son
thought so. He trusted her enough to confide his biggest secret. He shared that he saw her baking in a kaleidoscope of colors that found him no matter where he was. No matter where she was.”
Ruthanne gasped and shared a look with her husband. They hadn’t fully understood the younger couple’s connection.
“Oh, you didn’t know?” Honor demanded, looking at the people around her. “Then you were blind. Maddie knew because she wouldn’t let me bake at all while I was pregnant. While I was scared and alone and starving for sugar, but because of your selfishness, I had to do it all alone.” Honor’s voice began to rise with passion. “I was a scared and insecure girl with a mother who cared about her next meal ticket more than she did her own daughter.”
Honor stalked Ruthanne, closing the distance between them and Ruthanne had the good sense to back up in order to maintain her personal body space.
“But your son loved me. And it didn’t matter that I was a silly, insecure girl. We made love and we created the most precious little boy in the world! And I came to you! I was facing my mother harping on me to have an abortion. I was dealing with Steve shoving me down stairs and trying to force himself on me.”
Spence gasped behind her. She paused in her tirade momentarily. Had she left that tidbit out in her talks with Spence? She shrugged and went on, letting the truth cleanse her in ways she had never imagined before. In her blind anger, she was screaming out the truths too long suppressed.
“You knew how close I was to the end. How willing I’d be to grasp at whatever straw you would offer me.” Honor licked her lips, her eyes never wavering in their intensity and she was pleased when Ruthanne’s gaze dropped to her shoes. “You threatened to have me arrested for theft.”
“Mother! You did that?”
“She was going to take you away from me.”
“He was eighteen years old! I wasn’t going to take him away. I loved him. I wanted to share his love. But instead you took both him and my son away from me.”
“Once he loved you, he’d stop being able to see me. My baking. That’s what happened with his father and I couldn’t stand the idea of losing that bond I had with my son,” Ruthanne argued. “I was desperate.”
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