The Floods
Random House
‘Are you dead?’
‘What?’
‘I said, are you dead?’ said the vulture. ‘Only we can’t eat you if you’re still alive.’
‘That’s good to know.’
‘Yes, because we are carrion eaters and that means dead stuff,’ said the vulture. ‘Not dying or nearly dead, can’t do that. We have to hang around until you’re completely dead, preferably after a week or two when you’re nice and ripe.’
‘I am not dead,’ said Valla.
‘You sure?’
‘Of course.’
‘You look dead,’ said the vulture.
‘Well it’s nice of you to say so, but no, I am not dead.’
‘Not even a little bit?’
‘Not at all,’ said Valla, ‘and I’m not nearly dead either. Nor am I planning to be.’
‘What about her?’ said the vulture, pointing at Mildred Flambard-Flood. ‘She must be dead. I mean, look at her.’
‘Gorgeous, isn’t she?’ said Valla, ‘but happily still alive.’
‘And her?’ said the vulture, pointing at Queen Scratchrot.
‘Alive.’
‘So none of you are dead?’
‘No.’
‘Or planning to be in the near future?’
‘No.’
‘Do you not realise, you stupid bird,’ said Quenelle, running out of the cave and shaking her fist at the vulture, ‘who these people are?’
‘Of course I do,’ said the vulture. ‘They’re a bunch of half-dead hippies.’
‘They are the Floods, the true Kings and Queens of Transylvania Waters,’ said Quenelle. ‘If they were dead, which they are not, you would not be worthy to even so much as nibble their toes, never mind eat them.’
The vulture buried her head in her wings and turned away.
‘I feel so ashamed,’ she said. ‘Please forgive me, but I wasn’t born when they left here so I had no way of knowing.’
Will the Floods take their rightful place as rulers of Transylvania Waters? Or will King Quatorze and the Hearse Whisperer finally get rid of them – once and for all?
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