For Jennifer, those seven pounds felt a lot heavier as she tried to navigate the hospital hallways with the heavy basket. With each step she felt like the six-inch scar from her surgery was pulling apart.
When they finally made it to the front entrance of the hospital, Aunt Lucy walked to the parking lot to get the car. When she arrived back at the main door, she quickly hopped out from behind the wheel to help Jennifer. They both put the girls into their car seats. Nelson was already in the front passenger seat and hadn’t said a word.
Jennifer knew he hadn’t been entirely excited about the girls, but she wasn’t expecting him to be so cold.
At the apartment building, Nelson was out of the car and up the stairs before Aunt Lucy had the ignition turned off.
Between the two women, they carried the babies and all the supplies up the stairs and into the apartment. It took several trips back and forth to the car, and Jennifer could feel the incision was starting to hurt from the strain. But there was work to be done, and she was too excited to let a little bit of pain prevent her from enjoying bringing her babies home.
“Will you be okay now?” asked Aunt Lucy.
“I’ll be fine. I just need to get the girls into their crib, and then we will all be getting a good night’s sleep,” replied Jennifer.
Aunt Lucy left Jennifer and the two children, and Nelson was already in front of the television.
“Help me bring the girls into the room,” said Jennifer. “My surgery is beginning to burn. I really think I’ve overdone it today.”
All the gifts, diapers, and clothes were stacked by the door, and Jennifer knew it was just as well to get it packed away in the bedroom. Nelson picked up the basket with little Krista and brought her into the bedroom. Jennifer followed with Karen, and her eyes shot open with shock when she walked into the bedroom. Jennifer felt like all her questions about Nelson were answered.
He simply wasn’t interested.
In a box in a corner of the bedroom was the girls’ crib. He hadn’t even attempted to open it while she was in the hospital.
She was sick, tired, excited, and happier than she had ever been in her life. Yet she stood in the doorway of the bedroom looking down at the unopened box with tears in her eyes.
He didn’t care.
So instead of getting ready for bed, Jennifer mixed several bottles of formula for the girls and arranged them in the refrigerator so that she was ready for the endless feedings she would face through this night. She made a suitable changing area in the room with diapers and wipes so everything was readily accessible.
Then she quietly took a knife out of the kitchen drawer and opened the crib box.
There seemed to be a thousand pieces and endless instructions.
The tears were coming again. The channels changed in the living room.
The girls were hungry again. They were always hungry, it seemed.
What is wrong? thought Jennifer. This damn infant formula just isn’t satisfying them.
After the feeding, she went back to assembling the crib.
“What is wrong with you, my son! Can’t you get off that couch to do anything?” She yelled at Nelson for being so irresponsible, but at the same time she knew it was useless. Her screams fell on deaf ears, so she continued on.
By nine o’clock that night the girls were finally lying in their crib. She had only bought one, because they would be moving to a new apartment soon. She just prayed she had done a good enough job and that the thing wouldn’t fall apart in the night, sending the girls crashing to the floor.
When they get their own room, I’ll have another crib to put together, she thought.
Once Jennifer finally got to bed that night, she was beyond exhausted. She was also sore, and sad, but that didn’t stop her from falling into a deep sleep immediately.
“Where am I?” She sat up abruptly from her sleep. One of the babies was crying, and she realized she had been asleep for quite some time.
The pain from her incision quickly reminded her of where she was. The clock indicated Jennifer had been asleep for two hours, and Karen and Krista were hungry again. Nelson was lying next to her.
When she tried to stand, the pain from her cut intensified. But without a word to Nelson, she went to the refrigerator and made another two bottles of formula.
She took turns feeding and burping them both and went back to sleep.
An hour later, she was awake again. They wanted more food.
For the next twenty-four hours she would wake only to feed and change her babies. She did it all without any help from Nelson.
20
The application to Newfoundland and Labrador Housing had already been approved.
In a few weeks the family would be moving to a housing unit where the girls would finally have their own bedroom. Both Jennifer and Nelson were looking forward to having their own space, but Jennifer was hoping that the move would also lighten the bills. Lately it seemed the money was running out too quickly after payday. She didn’t see the welfare cheques. They belonged to Nelson. On payday he would pick up groceries and pay the bills, and Jennifer was glad that was one less chore she had to worry about. The only time Jennifer saw cash was when she would get her family allowance cheque.
“Nelson! I need money for diapers,” Jennifer called out. She could hear him getting up off the couch and rustling through the closet. She was down to two diapers and Nelson was headed out, for God knew where, or how long.
“I don’t have any money,” he said.
“What do you mean? We just got our cheque! What did you do with it?”
Nelson was going to the bar more often these days. She wasn’t sure if he was alone or with his mother, but she suspected he was spending more time playing the slots, a habit for which their meagre income from social services didn’t make room.
“Well? I need diapers, so figure something out,” she snapped.
Nelson left and came back soon after with diapers. “I borrowed the money from Mom,” he said. “But these girls are getting too expensive. If I gets that settlement from insurance, I won’t have to worry anymore.”
Discussions had already begun between lawyers and the insurance company on a settlement from the car accident, and Nelson was anxious for his hearing.
“I’m sick of trying to buy everything,” Jennifer pleaded. “You’re not giving me enough money to pay for the things I need for the girls. This is going to have to change, and I can’t wait for you to get a settlement that you don’t even know you’ll win yet.”
Jennifer was well on her way to recovering from the operation, and the girls were now two months old.
She was getting a little more sleep at night, thanks to a change in the girls’ diets. Though her family doctor didn’t approve, Jennifer was convinced the infant formula wasn’t agreeing with the babies’ bellies, so she took things into her own hands. One morning, after a particularly restless night, she washed the formula down the drain.
“This formula just isn’t satisfying them,” Jennifer said. “If I don’t change their milk, I’ll never get another night’s sleep again.”
From then on, Karen and Krista went on a diet of Carnation condensed milk mixed with water. Dr. McDonald wasn’t impressed with Jennifer’s decision. But she was right in that it did wonders for the girls’ sleep. Finally, she began getting more rest.
She was starting to handle her day-to-day chores a little better, too. Nelson’s new medication seemed to have brought his grand mal seizures under control for several months now. The grand mal seizures had been particularly tough on Jennifer, as well as Nelson. He would fall to the floor, shaking uncontrollably, and there were many times Jennifer wondered how he had come out of it without seriously hurting himself.
But with the new medication, she also had the added responsibility
of making sure he was taking it. As a result, in addition to taking care of the children, she now had to monitor his medication twice a day.
And there were still plenty of petit mal seizures. He’d stand there, usually patting his stomach, his head making odd jerking movements. The partial seizures were harder to identify. In fact, sometimes in the middle of a seizure, he could respond to questions and still communicate.
But many of the partial seizures had gone unnoticed these days. Nelson was either lying on the couch, asleep, or gone out most of the time. And with newborn twins, Jennifer was busy every second of the day.
Nelson and Jennifer’s house on Bennett Avenue in Gander. The couple moved in here when their daughters were just three months old. Photo by Colleen Lewis.
21
Finally. Moving day.
For the past several weeks, Jennifer had begun packing the contents of the entire apartment. She labelled everything and sorted items that would be moved first. There was no help from Nelson, and at this point she didn’t expect any.
She had gathered up the boxes, which were marked according to the items the girls would need first. Then she took apart the crib. Piece by piece, she carried everything down to the car. Then, one box at a time, she brought everything she needed to their new house on Bennett Avenue.
“This is quite the change from that small apartment,” said her sister Penny.
Penny had spent the afternoon putting together the cribs and helping Jennifer to unpack.
“Sure is. It’s going to be nice to have my own laundry room. You wouldn’t believe how much clothes I have to wash in the run of a day,” said Jennifer. “It’s never-ending. Plus, I have a feeling they are going to like having their own separate cribs. They’re getting so big these days, there’s not much room for the two of them in one crib anymore. I can’t wait to decorate their room. It’s also going to be nice not have to step over boxes of diapers to get to my bed,” she laughed.
That evening the two sisters finished unpacking, and Penny helped put the girls to bed for their first night in the new house.
“What time do you expect Nelson?” asked Penny.
“I don’t know,” said Jennifer. “I’m not worried, anyway. He doesn’t do anything while he’s here. The only time he’s got anything to say is when the girls are asleep, and then all he wants to do is argue.”
“I’ve noticed he doesn’t play with the girls much,” said Penny. “Is everything okay?”
Jennifer ignored the question. She didn’t feel like talking about it at all, and she certainly didn’t know how to explain it.
“Well, I’ll stay here tonight. Just in case you need some more help,” said Penny. “Tomorrow my neighbour will be over, and he’ll give you a hand getting the rest of the furniture in.”
It took a week or so, but Jennifer finally got the girls settled into the house. She did most of the work, but was grateful for the ongoing help from her sister. Even after everything had been moved in, there were endless chores to be done.
“I need to run up to the store to pick up a few things,” said Penny one afternoon while she and her husband were visiting. “Come on, Jennifer, you’ve been working too hard lately. Let’s go have some girl time.”
“Yes, we can look after the girls,” said Penny’s husband.
But Jennifer had never left Karen and Krista alone with their father before, and she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea.
“I don’t know,” said Jennifer. “What do you think, Nelson?”
“Oh, he can handle them for half an hour or so,” said Penny, not giving Nelson a chance to respond. She handed Jennifer her coat and the two headed out the door.
They made the short drive to the local grocery store, and Penny was stocking up on cans of soup when she asked Jennifer, “What’s the problem with Nelson and the girls? I don’t see him ever pick them up or feed or change them. Is it only when we’re around, or is he like that all the time?”
“I don’t understand it either,” said Jennifer. “Sometimes it’s like he needs more attention than they do. It’s like he’s getting mad at me for taking care of them. I can tell by the look on his face. To be honest, I think he believes the girls should be able to take care of themselves even though they’re only three months old.”
Jennifer put a few items in her cart but then got an uneasy feeling.
“Speaking of Nelson, it’s time to go back. I don’t really want to be away from the girls for too long.”
When they got back to the house, Jennifer could hear the babies crying before she even opened the door.
When she walked into the apartment, Nelson was sitting on the couch and the girls were both crying in their playpen. And it was no wonder they were upset. Karen and Krista were in desperate need of a diaper change.
“You couldn’t change their shitty diaper,” Jennifer yelled at Nelson.
“I’m not changing them. That’s your job,” he snapped back.
Penny and her neighbour left while Jennifer cleaned up the girls and started getting ready for supper. But it wasn’t long before the girls were crying again. This time they wanted food.
Jennifer mixed their bottles of Carnation milk and was feeding Krista first while Karen anxiously waited for her turn.
“Why aren’t you starting supper?” Nelson asked. “I’m starved, and would ya hurry up and feed Karen? She’s getting on my nerves!”
“Can’t you see I’m busy? You’re going to have to wait, Nelson.”
“Very good. I think you care about those youngsters more than me.”
22
Jennifer’s surgery had completely healed by that spring, and she was longing to get outside and enjoy some fresh air.
“Well, my dear, dress them up and we’ll go out for a walk.” It was Nelson’s mother.
Jennifer caught the look on Nelson’s face. She knew he did not want her to go out and enjoy her time with the girls, but she didn’t care. By now she had come to realize Nelson wanted her undivided attention, but there were times when the demands were simply too much.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning, and Jennifer had just bought a second-hand stroller for the twins. She didn’t have a chance to try out the stroller yet, mainly because it wasn’t easy to get out with two babies and no help. Today she was pleased to have some help, and she wasn’t about to miss this opportunity.
“We’ll only be gone for half an hour so, Nelson,” said Jennifer. There was no reply, but she didn’t care how cranky he was.
She dressed the girls up so they were looking their best, and they headed out the door. The women made sure the two little girls were safely in the stroller seats.
“Let’s cross the road to the sidewalk,” suggested Jennifer. “It will be easier walking there until I get used to the stroller and the girls’ weight.”
But as she pushed the stroller up onto the sidewalk, she got the scare of a lifetime. The wheel of the stroller fell off. She could barely handle the weight, and she felt both lucky and relieved when Nelson’s mother reached in quickly to make sure the girls were safe.
Jennifer’s heart was pounding in her chest. She felt a wave of heat come over her and wondered if she wasn’t about to pass out from the fright.
When she regained her strength, her one free hand was beneath the stroller holding the weight of the girls.
Struggling, they managed to get the stroller back across the road and to get the girls out of their straps and into the house.
“Oh my God,” Jennifer said. She was still out of breath from the whole ordeal. “I can’t believe how lucky we are the girls didn’t get hurt.”
Once the girls were safe in their playpen, Nelson’s mother went home. For that Jennifer was grateful, because she couldn’t handle another fight between Nelson and his mother at the moment. T
hose arguments just seemed to be escalating more often these days, and most of the time for reasons that didn’t make sense to Jennifer at all. The last one was over the fact she didn’t like Nelson’s jeans. The two of them would argue endlessly for the dumbest reasons.
Jennifer poured herself a cup of tea and sat next to the playpen.
“I guess I’m going to have to call the people who sold me that stroller,” said Jennifer. “My girls could have been killed out there today.”
“I broke the wheel,” said Nelson.
Jennifer could hardly believe what she was hearing. He flicked through the channels.
“Yes, I’m sure you did,” Jennifer said sarcastically. “Why did you do that, Nelson?”
“You don’t need to be taking them youngsters out of the house. You can stay here with them,” he told her.
She put her tea down, realizing he was serious. He had done it.
“Are you serious?” She stood up. Jennifer was raised not to swear, but the curse words rolled off her tongue. “You son of bitch. You could have killed those girls. Do you know how serious this is? What the fuck is wrong with you, my son?” she screamed.
But Nelson simply ignored her, continuing to flick through the channels.
“I don’t have to put up with this,” she yelled. “I wouldn’t have any problem raising those girls on my own.”
Frustrated with his lack of response, Jennifer walked into her bedroom. She knew the situation was not good. Deep down she knew the right thing to do was to leave the father of her children. Her hopes of having the perfect family were quickly diminishing. This wasn’t going to work. But at the moment there were bigger things to worry about.
Karen was the first to start crying. Jennifer went out to the fridge and started mixing bottles. Meanwhile, Krista needed to be changed. She tended to her daughters, although she was exhausted from the events of this day. She lay down for a nap, and when she woke several hours later, Nelson was nowhere to be seen.
Mr. Big Page 5