Death & Stilettos

by Jason Krumbine

  “You’re right,” Avery says. “This is much better with you talking.”

  “Bugger yorself off,” Stanley snaps at Avery. “She’s an old biddy and I ain’t taking care of her. How would that make me look, living with me Mum? Bollocks ta that. I hav’ an image ta protect.”

  “An image?”

  “An image,” Stanley repeats, flicking his collar with a bit of attitude. He smiles at Brooke. “How do you fink I get all these lovely birds?”

  Avery rolls her eyes. “I think I just threw up in my mouth.” She gestures at the nursing community. “Can we stay on topic?”

  “As I was saying,” Stanley resumes, a little more miffed than before. “I moved me Mum in about a week ago. Everything was fine until last night.”

  “And what happened last night?” Avery asks.

  “She saw a ghost in her bloody shower,” Stanley says. “Scared her half to death. She calls me all frantic last night. I think she’s got some night terrors and I tell her to bugger off.”

  “Wow,” Brooke mouths to her sister.

  “You slept with him,” Avery mouths back.

  “She calls me again this morning, giving me the whole bloody story all over again. This time the only way I can get her to shut up is to promise to come by and take a look. So, I swing by this morning,” Stanley continues. “And you know what I find? A bloody ghost in the bathroom! Life size and everything!” he points at the front gates. “I pay good money for me mum to live out her remaining days in peace, not in bloody terror.”

  “What did the administration say when you brought it up to them?” Avery asks.

  Stanley looks at her, scrunching his face up like he’s got a sneeze that won’t come out. “They said I was cuckoo for coco puffs and slammed the door in my face. I think you can imagine how that made me feel.”

  “Yeah, I think I can understand that,” Avery says. “So what do you want from us?”

  “Wot the hell do you think I want? I want you to get rid of the bloody ghost,” Stanley says.

  “And why don’t you do it yourself?” Avery asks.

  “Because I’m not bloody grim reaper, now am I?” he snaps. “The right man, or woman in this case, for the right job.”

  “And this is supposed to be easy money?” Brooke asks.

  “Well, look at it this way,” Stanley says, holding his hands to her. “Do this for me, luv, and I’ll drop your debt by half.”

  “Debt?” Avery says, slowly turning her gaze to Brooke.

  Her sister holds up her hands. “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

  “It sounds like you owe your ex-boyfriend money, Brooke,” Avery says.

  “Don’t worry, luv,” Stanley says. “It’s all business. Nothing personal.”

  “Exactly how much is she into you for?” Avery asks.

  “That’s probably really not relevant,” Brooke quickly says.

  “Thirty grand,” Stanley answers anyway.

  “Thirty grand? Avery gapes. She looks at her sister. “Thirty grand? What the hell did you spend thirty thousand dollars on?”

  Brooke shrinks back and whispers, “Some shoes.”

  “Shoes? Shoes?” Avery shakes her head. “Unbelievable.”

  Stanley’s grinning from ear to ear. “Oh, this is rich.”

  Avery glares at him. “Watch it, you’re about a notch above a blackmailer right now.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” Stanley waves off her concern. “It’s business. Trade, really.”

  “You’re a loan shark.”

  Stanley shrugs. “It’s still a business.”

  Avery stands off to the side for a few minutes, fuming. Finally, she says, “Drop it seventy percent.”

  Stanley gives a seconds thought. “I’ll forgive sixty-five percent of the debt. And that’s as high as I’m willing ta go.”

  Avery just shakes her head. “Thirty thousand dollars on shoes.”

  “I got a dress or two, as well,” Brooke says.

  “Not helping!”

  The Graves sisters make their way down the sidewalk. The grass is cut short, there are trees every ten feet and everybody they pass looks happy.

  “Geez,” Brooke says. “Do they brainwash everybody? Look at their eyes. It’s creepy.”

  “Oh, shut up,” Avery says, checking the numbers on the houses.

  Brooke puts a hand on her sister’s shoulder, bringing her to a stop. “Hey, what did I do?”

  “What did you do?” Avery repeats. “Are you being serious?”

  Brooke sighs. “I guess not really.”

  “How do you spend thirty thousand dollars on shoes-”

  “And a few dresses.”

  “-and then sleep with the guy who loaned you the money?” Avery finishes.

  “It’s complicated,” Brooke offers as an excuse.

  “Complicated? That’s the best you can do?”

  “Hey, what do you want?” Brooke starts walking again. “You’ve got Jack. I’ve got Stanley. Neither of us are perfect.”

  “I can’t believe you keep trying to lump my boyfriend and Stanley together like that,” Avery says. “Do you have brain damage? I think you might have brain damage.”

  “It’s complicated,” Brooke repeats.

  “Stop saying that.” Avery goes back to checking the house numbers.

  “I’ve only said it one other time.”

  “Yeah, I can sense it’s going to be another Lipstick Feminism excuse,” Avery replies. “They’re worlds apart. Stanley’s not even in the same league as Jack. And you...” She trails off, just shaking her head again. “How did you sleep with him last night?”

  Brooke raises an eyebrow. “Is that a rhetorical question or do you really want me to break it down?”

  Avery points at her sister. “You have a problem, technically, you have several problems. But the problem I’m talking about right now is Stanley.”

  “Stanley is not a problem.”

  “Stanley is a huge problem,” Avery insists, spreading her arms out as wide as she can. “And I will do a Stanley intervention if I have to.”

  “You don’t have to,” Brooke says.

  “Really? Because right now we’re on our way to his mom’s place because you’ve borrowed over thirty thousand dollars from him and continue to have frequent sex with him.”

  “It’s not as frequent as you would think,” Brooke replies.

  Avery shakes her head. She points to a white house just ahead of them. “There. Six-oh-one. That’s the place. Have you met his mother before?”

  “No, of course not,” Brooke says.

  “Well, that’s one thing in our favor,” Avery says.

  “That’s not to say Stanley hasn’t told her about me,” Brooke says.

  “Great.”

  twenty

  “Hello?” the little old lady that opens the door for them is shorter than Avery and hunched over. She has one hand on the door and one hand on her walker. A bright orange muumuu covers her. Her English accent is softer than her son’s and she seems pleasant enough “Can I help you, girls?”

  Avery smiles as she speaks. “Mrs. Morris? My name is Avery and this is my sister Brooke.” Avery pauses to see if the old lady recognizes their names. She just stares blankly at them. Avery continues, “Your son, Stanley, sent us. He told us you have a problem in your bathroom?”

  Mrs. Morris’ wrinkly face twists up and her entire demeanor changes. “Bloody ‘ell right I do! And don’t talk to me like I’m a daft fool, I get enough of that from me retarded son!”

  Avery spares a quick look over her shoulder at Brooke. The younger sister shrugs and gives her a ‘got me’ look.

  “Well, I can understand that is might be a stressful time for you,” Avery starts.

  “Shaddup!” the old lady snaps. “Wot did I just say?”

  Avery takes a deep calming breath.

  Mrs. Morris’ doesn’t move, her gaze flickering back and forth between the sisters. “Wot did you say yor names were again
?”

  “Avery and Brooke,” Avery says again.

  “Brooke,” Mrs. Morris says the name slowly. “Do I know you?”

  Brooke shakes her head. “No.”

  The old lady gives her a squinty look. “Are you lying to me?”

  “Why don’t you just take us to the bathroom,” Avery suggests, cutting off the conversation.

  Mrs. Morris gives her an old lady grunt and guides them through the house. It’s a two-minute walk that turns into almost ten. She’s practically shuffling across the carpet. Avery’s careful not to bump into her.

  As she takes them to the bathroom, she mutters under her breath. Avery catches a few words. She recognizes ‘Stanley,’ ‘bloody bastard’ and ‘ungrateful spawn.’

  She points to the door at the end of the hallway. “There it is. Bloody bastard has been in there all night. Kept me up with his awful singing. Sounded like a cat dying.”

  “Okay,” Avery says. “We’re going to take a look around and see what we can do. Can you go stay with your neighbors for the next hour or so?”

  Mrs. Morris glares at her. “I beg your pardon?”

  “For your safety,” Avery says. “These things can get tricky.”

  She shuffles right up to her and gives Avery a proper evil eye. “There better not be anything missing when I come back here, you unnerstand?”

  Avery smiles. “Other than your houseguest.”

  She sneers at her. “Are you making a joke?” she smacks her wrinkly lips together. “Are you making a joke at my expense, young lady?”

  Avery shakes her head. “No, no, no,” she leans back a little. She’s right up in her face and her breath smells like onions.

  “You better not have been,” she warns her. “I’ll be watching you. I know where everything is in this house. If I find one thing out of place or missing, it’ll be your ‘ead.”

  They watch as she shuffles her way outside.

  “Wow, that was a nasty little old lady,” Brooke says after the front door closes. “I have a whole new understanding of Stanley now.”

  Avery looks at her sister. “You’re an idiot and I hate you.”

  “Hey, what’s that for?”

  “It’s for me getting verbally abused by that old bitty,” Avery points at the front door. “She should have been ripping you a new one, not me.”

  “Well, I’m not the one that was talking down to her,” Brooke says.

  Avery pulls out her tapping stick and smacks Brooke’s knee with it.

  “Ow,” Brooke leans against the wall, rubbing at her knee.

  “You owe me big time,” Avery says.

  “Fine,” she agrees. “I owe you big time.”

  Avery just shakes her head and walks down to the bathroom.

  “Hey, wait a minute,” Brooke says.

  Avery stops and looks back at her sister. “What?”

  “We really should have a plan,” Brooke says. “It’s not like we’ve got cuffs with this guy’s name on it.”

  “We’ll do what Dad always used to do,” Avery says, starting for the bathroom again.

  “And what exactly was that?”

  “Make it up as we go along.”

  She eases the door slowly open. The bathroom’s dark. Avery reaches around for a light switch. Her fingers fumble along for the wall for a second before finding the switch. She flips it and the room is fully illuminated.

  The bathroom’s directed in a paisley floral print wallpaper. It makes the room seem smaller than it really is. The counter is a light peach colored Formica and the floor is carpeted.

  “Well?” Brooke asks from the hallway.

  “It’s definitely a crime against good taste,” Avery says.

  “Like everything else in this place,” Brooke adds.

  “But I don’t see anyone who doesn’t belong here,” Avery steps inside. The temperature drops about six degrees. “Although, that’s pretty telling.”

  “What?” Brooke asks.

  “It’s colder in the bathroom,” Avery says over her shoulder.

  “Well, that’s telling.”

  “I’m gonna check the shower,” Avery says.

  “What should I do?”

  “Be ready.”

  “For what?”

  Avery doesn’t answer. The curtain’s covered in pictures of cats and dogs prancing around in a meadow. It moves ever so slightly.

  She reaches for the shower curtain and pulls it back.

  twenty-one

  Brooke leans against the wall in the hallway, rubbing at where her sister stuck her. She shakes her head, getting ready to make a crack about how Avery hits like a baby when, suddenly, the bathroom door slams shut.

  “Avery?” she calls. She tries the door handle, but it won’t open. “Avery?” She shouts this time, pounding on the door. “Avery, are you-”

  The door explodes off its hinges, knocking Brooke down the hallway.

  Avery follows, sailing through the air. She collapses against Brooke and they roll into the living room.

  “What the hell?” Brooke snaps.

  Avery picks herself up. Her cheeks are rosy red and there’s some blood dripping out of her nose.

  “Okay,” she says, catching her breath, “here’s the deal,” she pauses a second, swaying a bit on her feet. “We need to be in another room.”

  “What?” Brooke asks.

  “I really don’t think we should be in this room,” Avery says.

  “What the hell does that mean? Where do you want to go?” Brooke jerks suddenly. Something howls from the bathroom.

  “We’ll start in the kitchen and go from there,” Avery points over Brooke’s shoulder.

  The house shakes and something big starts running down the hallway.

  Brooke catches sight of it.

  “Oh, bugger me,” she says.

  Mrs. Morris’ houseguest is a giant of a man. Easily ten feet tall. He slouches to get through the hallway. Her face is twisted into a vicious scowl and he’s dressed in what appears to be a pirate costume.

  “I’m gonna kill the both of you,” he says, pointing mostly to Avery. His voice sounds like that of a deaf person, flat with an awkward emphasis. But he makes up for it with his size.

  The giant dead man slams his fists into the floor and the house shakes again. Lamps fall over and knickknacks topple off the shelves.

  “Move, you idiot,” Avery pushes her sister out of the way.

  The giant dead man catches one of the seats in the living room and tosses it through the window.

  Avery pushes her sister into the kitchen.

  “What the hell is that?” Brooke asks, pointing back to the living room.

  “A very large dead man,” Avery says. “I think he’s stuck on that side of the house.”

  “You think?” Brooke asks.

  “Well, obviously we don’t know for sure until he comes over here,” Avery says. “But, you know, he hasn’t.”

  Brooke stares at her sister. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I saw binding sigils in the shower,” Avery rubs her forehead. “You know, like Stanza at the ranch that one time.”

  “What the hell are binding sigils doing in the bathroom?”

  “Clearly they’re holding a dead soul in place,” Avery says. “I’m hoping there’s sigils in the living room as well. Gimme your stick.”

  “Why?” Brooke’s confused and the giant cursing up a storm in the living room isn’t helping.

  “This isn’t a time to argue.”

  “I’m not arguing.” Brooke searches her pockets and pulls out her tapping stick. “I’m just trying to be included.”

  “I’m going to do that thing that Thane taught us that one time,” Avery says.

  “We had to replace our tapping sticks after he taught us that,” Brooks says. “Russell ran us through a paperwork nightmare.”

  “Well, I suppose you could offer to sleep your debt off with Stanley,” Avery suggests.

  B
rooke doesn’t reply. She merely gives her sister a stony look.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  Avery stands in the living room, looking at the giant dead man. She wipes the blood from her nose

  “You don’t belong here,” she says.

  The giant dead man sneers at her. “And what are you going to do about it, little girl?”

  “Politely ask you to leave,” Avery says. “I figure I’d give that option first.”

  The giant dead man barks out a flat laugh. “You’re funny,” he says.

  “I’d ask you what you’re doing here,” Avery says, “but I don’t think you have answer for that.”

  “I was minding my own business until you and that old biddy started harassing me,” he snaps.

  Avery twirls the tapping sticks, one in each hand. “I’d also like to know who trapped you in that bathroom.”

  “Even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you!” He points a threatening finger at Avery. “Now I’m going to give you one chance to leave me alone.”

  “Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” she says.

  She slams the tapping sticks on either side of the giant dead man’s head.

  The giant dead man howls in pain and the house shakes again. His eyes roll back in his head and the giant’s entire body starts twitching violently.

  He swats at Avery, smacking her into the wall and breaking the connection with the tapping sticks.

  “That hurt!” he growls.

  Avery picks herself up, wiping at the blood on her face. “That’s the idea.”

  Avery jumps forward, bringing the tapping sticks down hard on the giant dead man.

  Blue bolts of lightening shoot out from the tips of the sticks and envelope the giant dead man. He lets out one more violent howl and then completely disappears.

  Avery’s arms drop to her side. She gives out a sigh of relief.

  Brooke peeks out from the kitchen. “Is it over?”

  Avery grips the two tapping sticks. They snap apart easily and crumble to pieces “Yeah.”

  Brooke looks at the pile of wood crumbs on the floor. “Great.”

  “Do me a favor,” Avery says, catching her breathe. She pulls her hair out of the ponytail and tries to straighten out with her fingers. “Don’t take anymore money from Stanley, okay?”