by Alia Rose
I turned back around and looked out the window, waiting for the figure to appear. It was a guy wearing a plain white t-shirt and shorts. His hair was black and looked wet. He walked away slowly, putting his hands in his pockets. Even though he didn’t turn, and I couldn’t see his face, I knew it was Seth.
“Hey, guys! I’m so glad to be back playing for you. I’m going to start off with a slow one,” Seth said, leaning into the microphone. A group cheered, and Seth’s chuckle echoed as he took a breath to begin.
It was Thursday night and after arguing with Kelly and myself, it was decided that I would be going to see this “guy” who apparently played wonderfully. I knew, of course, that it was Seth. I didn’t tell her that, but I thought about it the whole time we were getting ready at her house two hours earlier.
When Kelly opened her front door, she squealed. Apparently, she had thought I wouldn’t show.
“This is so exciting!” she said, clapping her hands together. Sarah appeared behind her and rolled her eyes. I raised my eyebrows.
“You’re wearing that?!” Kelly exclaimed. I looked back at her and then down at my plaid shorts and yellow t-shirt.
“Um, what’s wrong with it?” I asked.
“Well, I guess nothing. You’re putting on makeup, though, right?”
“Sure,” I said. “Can I come in the house first?” She stepped aside and I mumbled to Sarah, “Shoot me now.”
Now, standing right next to the stage, I saw Seth look down at me. Kelly had made me use her eye shadow and messed with my hair. She was made up in a short red dress with a black leather half jacket. She made a tiny squeal and squeezed my arm. I looked at her strangely and she said, “He was so staring at you!”
I looked up at Seth and he raised his eyebrows. I looked down and saw the corner of his tattoo. I thought about the other day when I had seen him outside my house asking about John. I was still trying to figure it out, but I still couldn’t think of a reason why he would have needed to talk to John.
“So I’m going to throw a new song at you. It’s called “For Awhile.” I hope you guys like it.” He glanced at me before looking at everyone else.
“All right, here we go.” The audience clapped quickly as the guitar slowly picked up. He inhaled and closed his eyes.
“If I sit here,
Would you sit with me,
For a while.
No need for words,
Just your presence here
For a while…”
I looked at Kelly, who was starting to sway slowly, and Sarah was next to her checking her phone. It was halfway through the song, and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
“Oh,
The night goes on,
And as I lay
Here with you,
It’s all enough
Oh, all enough,
For a while.”
I looked back up to the stage where Seth stood with his guitar. His eyes were searching and when he found mine he just stared at me as the last verse came to a close. I could feel Sarah’s eyes on me, and I turned to look at her. She raised her eyebrows and I shrugged.
“And I know if you’d give me the chance,
We could be more, oh so much more,
But that’s okay, I’ll settle for,
For the night that never ends.”
The tempo picked up and Seth kept his eyes shut, dragging out the notes. There were a few cheers and the song continued.
“And I’ll lay here with you,
Just as long as you stay,
And it’ll be enough,
All enough,
For a while.”
The song ended with loud cheers, and for the first time I felt something. It wasn’t anything drastic, like the way movies dramatize it. Time didn’t stand still and the earth didn’t shift. I was pretty sure no one else felt it either. It was just a little jolt and a quickened heartbeat. That little feeling scared me, though. It was not something I was used to or something that had really ever happened before.
Seth looked down at me once again and I nodded at him and clapped with everyone else. He winked at me before calling out. “Well. I take that as a keeper.” Someone whooped. He walked over to the piano in the corner and sat down.
“All right, now this next one is called ‘Curly Hair and Knobby Knees.’” A few people clapped behind me, already recognizing the song. I rolled my eyes. Great.
Kelly nudged me. “This is it!”
“Oh! I’ve swum the shore of many seas,
Never once was so affected by the beauty,
Of the waves crashing down on me
And her curly hair and knobby knees…”
It was upbeat and jazzy. I stood there looking at everyone clearly enjoying every word of it. All I could think about was that I still didn’t have knobby knees.
“And now I’m in a place so unfamiliar,
Not knowing how to act,
I’m drowning in her smiles,
And I know there’s no turning back…”
I smiled at the catchy rhymes. Okay, it is kind of cute, I thought.
“Because I’ve swum the shore of many seas,
Never once was so entranced.
This can’t just be a romance,
With her curly hair and knobby knees.
So now tell me what I should do.
Should I turn away or stay while,
I know I’ll never forget her smile,
Or the shade of color in her eyes,
She had me laughing from the start,
And now I never want to be apart…”
Seth ended the song with the chorus and repeated “with her curly hair and knobby knees” a few times. I walked away from the stage area, just as louder cheers filled the club.
When I stepped outside, the air was cold and I knew that the tide was rising at the beach, sending a cold breeze over the town. I shuddered but breathed in deeply. Clubs always made me feel claustrophobic, and I was also a little in shock that I, a girl he barely knew, had inspired the song.
“Hey,” I heard a voice say behind me. I turned around to find Seth walking up to me, pulling a jacket on. “What are you doing out here?”
“Getting fresh air. I’m not a big fan of clubs,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Aren’t you cold?” he asked, noticing my movement.
I shook my head. “No, it feels good.” That wasn’t completely true. I was cold, but I didn’t want him to feel obligated to give me his jacket.
“I’m glad you came.” He inched closer and nudging me.
I nudged him back. “Me too.”
“So what did you think?” he asked, running his fingers through his hair.
“Well,” I said, “you made quite an impression on the crowd.”
“Okay...” He trailed off, waiting for me to say more.
“They really seemed to love you,” I said.
He shrugged. “Of course they did. I raked them in with two love songs. But that’s beside the point. What did you think?”
“You really want to know?” I said.
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, knowing I was making him anxious.
“Amy,” was all he said.
I cleared my throat. “You were fine.”
“Fine,” he repeated. I could tell he was waiting for more, but I was not going to tell him about the way my heart had raced while he was singing.
“More than fine?” I offered.
He raised his eyebrows and stepped in front of me.
“Okay, fine. You were good,” I finally said. A smile slowly formed on his face.
“But,” I said, looking up at him. “I still do not have knobby knees.”
He snickered and looked at me intently. I felt my heart beat a little faster as he leaned down. “Yes, you do,” he said, kissing my cheek. I felt my face flush as he brushed his fingers against my cheek.
“What was that for?” I asked, stepping back slightly.
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Seth shrugged. “Just my way of saying thanks.”
“Ah,” I said smiling. We stood there for a moment longer, and as I looked into his eyes I could feel something changing. My mind replayed the day he had walked away from my house after asking about John, and as much as I wanted to ask about it I knew this wasn’t the time.
“Well, I better go inside,” I said. “My friends are probably looking for me.”
“Sure,” he said. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah.” I stood there for a moment longer before slipping back inside, my heart still pounding.
I found Kelly and Sarah at a table at the restaurant. The club was still packed. Everyone was at the bar or waiting for a table to open up. I walked over and sat down.
“Where were you?” Sarah asked in a tone that sounded more like Kelly.
“I went outside for a minute,” I said, taking a sip of her water.
“So we need to talk,” Kelly said, looking at me, “about the fact that Mr. Hot Musician was totally staring at you.”
“Throughout the entire show,” Sarah added.
“I didn’t notice,” I said, looking around.
“You did notice. I saw you smiling,” Sarah said. I turned back to them. I was going to have to tell them—there was no way around it. I thought about all those nights on the beach, wondering what they had meant. I touched my cheek, wondering how much would change now, and if I was ready for it. The lyrics of his songs echoed in the back of my mind. Their intensity wasn’t something that had ever been expressed otherwise.
“That was Seth,” I said.
“What? Where?” Kelly asked, looking around.
“The,” I started, “‘Totally Hot Musician,’” I quoted, using my fingers.
Kelly’s mouth dropped. “You’re kidding right?”
“Nice work,” Sarah said, looking at me.
“Wait a minute,” Kelly said. We both looked at her and watched as she looked under the table quickly, her hair falling into her face. I looked at Sarah, confused. She shook her head. Clearly, our friend had gone completely crazy.
“Curly hair and knobby knees,” Kelly said, pointing at me.
I flushed a little. “What?”
“That’s about you!” she exclaimed. “That song is about you. You have curly hair, and your knees are a bit knobby.”
“I do not have knobby knees!” I said louder, stealing more of Sarah’s water.
“Yeah, you do,” Sarah said, taking the glass from me and putting it on the other side of the table.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Seth
When I went back inside the club, I took a seat at the bar and observed everything. I spotted Amy with her two friends from earlier. They were in a deep conversation, and the one in the red dress was waving dramatically trying to get Amy to listen to her.
I wondered how I had gotten here. And why now? Why was I letting myself feel something for a girl who was just as complicated as me? I couldn’t avoid concealing my feelings anymore when my two newest songs were inspired by her—and she had heard them. I might not have to admit my feelings directly, but she knew. And now that she knew, there was no turning back.
A couple days before, I had gotten the nerve to go to Amy’s house and try to talk to John. It was mid afternoon, so I figured Amy would be lifeguarding or at the beach. When I knocked on the door, a tall, skinny woman answered. She had brown curly hair, light skin, and green eyes. She looked tired and had a cigarette in her hand. When I first saw her, I took in a sharp breath. Not only did she look a lot like Amy, despite her fair skin and eyes, but she also resembled someone else: my mom.
My mom had had the same frame and facial structure. Her eyes were piercing blue, but looking at Amy’s mom I could see my mom’s eyes in hers, even with the color difference. It was a bit creepy.
It took a couple of seconds for me to blink back into focus and ask her if John was home. She studied my face for a minute before replying. “No, he’s not here. He’s out of town for the week.”
“Oh,” I said, holding in my surprise. “When exactly is he coming back?”
“Two weeks from today, actually,” she said. “Is there—” she started to say, but I cut her off.
“Thank you. I’ll give him a call then.” I smiled, staring into her eyes. My gaze seemed to startle her a little, causing her to blink several times before saying, “Okay, you’re welcome.”
She smiled as she shut the door.
I let out a heavy sigh and walked away from the house. Tuesday.
Now at the club with Amy in my view, I realized something else. I had to tell her. I had to tell her about John, and about my mom. I couldn’t continue to keep things in.
Amy looked over at the bar and caught me staring at her. I smiled, and she looked away, smiling slightly. I felt a heaviness on my chest, the weight of all the things to come.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked over.
“Great job, man!” Will said to me, a big grin on his face. Then his smile faded. “You okay?”
I let out a sigh, realizing I probably had a strange look on my face. With the adrenaline and the thoughts racing in my mind, I shook my head. Will looked at me expectantly, and I reached into my pocket and took out the will and key wrapped in the napkin with the address on it.
He took them, confused, and I watched him as he read the contents and then quickly glanced at me. “Is this why you are here?”
“Yes.”
“You haven’t gone.” Even though the club was loud, it was a muffled noise compared to the pounding of my heart in my ears. Telling Will hadn’t been my plan, but I needed to tell someone. The weight was getting too heavy.
“I…I can’t.” I swallowed. I knew it was time I face this, and after so many weeks of knowing and avoiding, I realized I was afraid. I was afraid of what I would find and afraid that I might not be able to handle it.
“Seth,” Will said quietly, though his voice was loud and clear to me. “You have to. It’s the only way to move on. Come on—I’ll drive.”
He pushed the paper and key toward my chest, and I caught it before it fell to the ground. He walked past me before I could say anything. His words rang in my ear and I was unsure what he meant by them. Still, I followed him toward the entrance.
We stayed silent on the drive, and I gazed out the window. We drove through downtown on the main road, past the boardwalk and city sign. We turned left into a neighborhood and then right, and right again. We passed by house after house, the houses slowly getting farther apart. The road turned to gravel, and I wondered how in the world Will knew where he was going.
I felt the car slow down, and my stomach clenched. I could see a small house in the distance and somehow knew it was the one. Even though it was dark, the moonlight shed some light over it and I could make out a wide porch covered in vines, shuttered windows, and a small tower to one side.
“This is it.”
I nodded, staring at the still house. I gripped the key tighter in my hand.
Will turned off the ignition. “Take as long as you need.”
My feet felt heavy as I walked up the narrow path to the house. There was a slight breeze, and as I got closer I could hear wind chimes. It sent a chill through me, my body running cold, and I felt as though I were about to step into a horror film as my foot hit the creaky porch. I took a deep breath and fumbled for the keyhole; when my fingers found it, I pushed the key in and turned. The lock clicked and I pushed forward.
I kept the door open, and the light spilling from Will’s headlights kept me from standing in total darkness. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my phone, turning on the flashlight. I scanned the room quickly, noticing a couch, scattered tables, and a fireplace. I took a few steps forward as my eyes started to adjust to the darkness. When they did, all I saw were boxes. There were stacks and stacks of boxes, all organized and scribbled on. I flashed my phone to read label after label.
It was mom’s han
dwriting, messy and quickly written, as if she had been packing for a finish line. I wandered around the house, going into the dining room, the kitchen, and up a set of stairs. The house was dusty, but not as dusty as I had thought it might be. I wondered if my father had been coming here to keep it up.
The doors upstairs all were shut, and I opened them one by one before entering any of the rooms. There was a bathroom, two bedrooms, and a smaller room that resembled a study. I went into the smaller bedroom and instantly smelled my mom. It was a faint, sweet smell of freesia masked by the smell of musty wood. I looked around the room, realizing this must have been her childhood room.
I sat on the stripped mattress and stared ahead at the mirror on the wall. I could see my face in the glow of my phone’s light. Sitting there, I thought about what my mom might have been like as a child, as a teenager. I had only ever known her one way, and even then I wondered how much I had actually known. My reflection stared back at me, mockingly enhancing the almond green eyes and sharp cheekbones that I shared with my mom. It was as if she were speaking through those features: I will always live on through you.
I turned away from the mirror and focused on the chair in the corner. I imagined this was the chair that my grandma had sat in, singing my mom the lullaby she would go on to sing to me. It made my heart ache for her, and I longed to know the woman who had passed on something that meant everything to me. I closed my eyes, fighting my emotions.
As I felt myself giving in to the sadness I tried so hard to contain, I did the one thing that could calm me down but also tear me apart.
“Sleep now, my child. I’ll keep you safe