I suppose if pressed, I could admit that not knowing either my mother or my own mother-in-law had endeared Mei to me more than I realized. Mei was every bit how I thought a mother was supposed to be, and she was gone before I even had time to think about it.
But I knew, of course, that to assume a sorrow that wasn’t mine to begin with seemed too presumptuous, even for a queen. I had to carry on. And Lo Bahn was right, at least, that I didn’t have the luxury to grieve. The circumstances wouldn’t allow me. On the third day, I was sitting down in the inn common room for a meal when I heard commotion about soldiers being detained within An Mozhi barracks. Anzhao City soldiers, to be precise. That, following my arrival in this city and the forcible seizure of my passage home, was too much of a coincidence for me to ignore.
Later, I took Agos up for a walk through the city under the pretense of clearing my head. Nor wanted to go, but I needed someone to keep an eye on Lahei and two women alone together were more likely to be noticed in those dirty streets. With both me and Agos in commoner’s clothing, and Agos freshly shaved, we could pass for a couple who had just gotten lost during a stroll. There were enough of those out in that afternoon that no one even gave us a second glance.
“What exactly do you have planned?” Agos asked, looking slightly unsettled with my arm hooked around his. His hair, longer in the back but cropped short at the top, ruffled slightly with the breeze.
“I was getting tired of waiting for the enemy to come to us,” I said, leaning close to him as casually as if he had just asked me if my shoes were too tight. “I want to go to them.”
“Let’s pretend that’s a smart idea. You…err, know where they are?”
“Qun’s men,” I said under my breath, smiling as someone passed by. “I heard there’s an entire group of soldiers from Anzhao waiting in the barracks. They’re obviously looking for us.”
“What does going up to them going to accomplish? Planning to wave your arms about and hope they leave us alone because we asked nicely? Spirits, we’re already lucky enough to have sneaked by them at the docks…”
“Just be quiet,” I said. “Follow my lead.”
“This sounds suspiciously like when we were kids.”
“You see? When was the last time I got us killed?”
“If you want to count all the near-misses…”
“I don’t.”
“Still got us into trouble more times than I can count.” He sighed. “Which way?”
We passed the markets and made our way towards one of the long stairs that wound around the cliff towards upper An Mozhi. Partway up the flight, I belatedly caught sight of the lifts that would’ve gotten us there faster. They were suspended on thick chains, swaying with the wind as they hung between the cliff ledges. Going all the way to the top meant a good four or five trips, depending on which platform you started on.
Agos must’ve noticed my look of longing, because he burst out laughing. “Are you kidding me? You need the exercise!” He was sweating rivulets.
“Because getting chased by mad suitors and dolls from hell isn’t exercise enough,” I said. But to make a point, I sprung ahead of him, taking two steps at a time. I had always been faster than him. The wooden stairs creaked under the strain.
“I’ve missed this,” Agos blurted out loud when I reached the next landing.
I paused, running a hand over my damp forehead. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”
He gestured at me. “This. You, like this. That whole queen business never sat well with you, you know? It used to be easier. You had your responsibilities, true, but you left the hard part to the regents, left ruling to the old fucks who don’t have much left to look forward to. If an Ikessar looked at you the wrong way, you told them to fuck off. But then coronation day loomed closer, and you…changed. Hell, I think you changed the day you got married to him.”
Agos now had the same look on his face as he did on my wedding day. I tried to push the memory away from my mind. “You make it sound like the worst thing in the world,” I said, starting back up the steps. A hot wind sweltered past us, drifting towards the sea where it was greeted by a symphony of seagulls.
“Watching a wolf slink into a falcon’s cage and slamming the door shut herself, and then learning how to live like an Ikessar, like it’s bad enough you had to share your bed with one.”
“It’s not like I dropped everything to embrace their customs.”
He gave a half-grin. “No, but you entertained the bastards and the sticks up their asses. Maybe you didn’t bend all the way, maybe you grumbled under your breath the whole time, but you bared your neck, you let them get close enough to hurt you. You were trying so hard to turn into an Ikessar queen instead of doing things your way. Going to the Kibouri temples, letting their priests tell you what to do…you even let them dictate how Thanh was raised. No, Tali—you forced yourself to be this queen who looked nothing like the woman you used to be. And I don’t know what for, considering he wasn’t even there for the entirety of your rule.”
I tried to consider his words without getting angry. “It’s more complicated than that, you know,” I managed to whisper.
“I suppose,” Agos grumbled. “Told you I don’t know much about politics. They tried to teach me—heavens know they did. I know you, though. Know you’re trying to break loose, even when you don’t realize the chains bringing you down. The bastard Rayyel, for one thing.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Oh?”
I paused with one hand on the rail and turned around to look at him. The sun was casting directly over us, which had the effect of darkening his face, deepening the scowl on it. “I know about the chain. I’ve known it all my life.”
“Then why tolerate it?” There was a snarl underneath his voice.
“Because I will not court civil war to indulge my whims.”
“There you go again. That queen talk,” Agos said smugly, as if he’d just proven a point.
I bit back the retort in my head. We reached the third landing, and I paused to stretch my legs. He caught up to me.
“So that’s your lifetime excuse, eh? You force Rayyel into your life because you have to, you have to love him, it’s your duty and your father wouldn’t have allowed it any other way. Don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but that ship has sailed a long time ago. You’re dancing the dance, but the music’s stopped. I don’t even know who you’re trying to impress. Yeshin’s dead.”
“Are you going to ask me to run away with you again?”
“It’s not the worst idea ever.” He grew serious. “Unless you have others. The whole thing with Lamang there…”
I placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. We had reached a small street. I could see the barracks in the distance, an enormous walled keep within the city that stood across the governor’s office. Banners from the towers streamed with the wind. There were soldiers on the rooftop deck, marching to drumbeat as they practiced for a parade.
I sniffed the air. “This is the part where we pretend to be tourists.”
“I’m not a royal, in case you’ve forgotten. My Zirano is horrible,” Agos grumbled.
“As is your acting, so just close your mouth and nod along.” Without waiting for his assent, I dragged him towards the gates.
Chapter Two
Sightseeing
Calling Rayyel a chain wasn’t fair. He couldn’t help that he was raised by the sort of people who believed you could find virtue by not talking to anyone for months on end, who were convinced that you could find the meaning of the universe if you stared at a flower long enough. But I was aware of what Agos meant. Striding up straight to the enemy’s lair after all we had just been through was the sort of thing I did, the sort of thing Rai’s people frowned upon.
Growing up, I had the run of Oka Shto without even really knowing it. My father took great pains to ensure I was sufficiently disciplined, that nothing was ever easy for me, but we both took for granted that I
was still in an environment that bent itself around my actions. Foolhardy was a word Rayyel liked to use. I took chances when it was wiser—sometimes even when it was easier—not to, because I was used to things going my way and I wasn’t the sort of person who liked to sit around and wait for things to happen. I was told such rashness was not appropriate behaviour for a leader, so after we got married I tried to step back, tried to act strong and decisive like they said my father was, but also demure and proper and dutiful like a wife ought to be.
I’ve had horses who fought like demons when you put on one rope too many. They are fine with one, but the perception of being trapped by another drives them on edge. I felt like that more these days than ever before. Too many ropes, too many handlers. But if I ever broke free, where do I run to? This was the only world I knew.
“Hey,” a guard called out to us before we could even step past the threshold. “You lost?”
I looked around. “I don’t think so,” I said. “This is the way to the barracks, yes?”
The guard walked towards us, his spear leaning over his shoulder. “We don’t usually let civilians in.”
“Oh, I know that,” I said, waving a hand over my nose. “Don’t we, Aggie dear?” I glanced up at Agos, who grunted.
“Then what—”
“We came here to sightsee. I was told An Mozhi was quite the city, and of course, everything is absolutely magnificent, but one thing I couldn’t get off my mind was how you kept the peace and order. In Anzhao City, for example—that’s where we came from, Anzhao—it’s so chaotic you can’t even turn a corner without getting your pockets cleaned out by thieves. Isn’t that right, Aggie?” I elbowed Agos.
The guard looked bemused. “I don’t believe I’ve ever heard Anzhao being described in such a way. If anything, An Mozhi could stand to learn from Anzhao’s city watch.”
“No!” I said, loud enough and in such a way that the guard looked almost embarrassed for having said anything. “That’s—why, we were at the docks all day, and not once, not once did I ever feel unsafe. Are you telling me this is out of the ordinary? But I have heard such good things about An Mozhi. Are you saying you let, even invite, tourists up here while deliberately letting thieves run rampant through your streets?”
“That’s not…”
“Despicable,” I said in a low voice. “Absolutely despicable. I demand a word with your superior.”
“You really should go.”
“No. No, I won’t. You just told me that An Mozhi lacks proper measures to address thieves. We paid good money to travel here, which included some very heavy taxes on your city’s part. If you can’t take me to someone, then I need your name at least so I know what to tell the governor’s office when I file a complaint.”
The guard gave me the look of someone keenly aware of having placed his head on the chopping block. I had been counting on it. Perspiration dotted his face, and not just because it was hot. Very few people knew how to respond to an unexpected figure of authority; the usual reaction was complete avoidance. In this case, the faster he transferred us to the next higher up, the better.
“I’ll…see what I can do,” he mumbled. “Wait here.” He gestured at another guard, who was watching us from the gatehouse with an expression that bordered on both terrified and amused, before walking away.
I glanced at Agos. “You…” he started.
“I just want this trip to go well,” I said out loud, patting his cheek. “Of course it’s worth the fuss. I want this all to be perfect.”
“Bit too much,” he grumbled. I wondered if he meant my acting, or if he was trying to play along himself. It was hard to tell.
The guard eventually arrived with someone in a crisper uniform. The guard saluted once before returning to his post. I craned my head at the new arrival, judging him to be an officer of some sort. “I’m told you have concerns about the city’s security,” the man said, making a sweeping half-bow.
I felt at ease at once. The man was being polite, and I could use polite. “My husband here was just telling me I might be overreacting. Your guard says the city watch in Anzhao City is more efficient than your system here, which I find hard to believe because we just came from Anzhao. Did you know they have an entire neighbourhood of thieves? Dar Aso, I believe it was called. I couldn’t believe it when I heard it.”
“You’re referring to the massacre a few weeks back?”
I pretended to shudder. “To think that the Anzhao city watch would have let a whole neighbourhood become overrun like that. I’m glad they got the people, don’t get me wrong, but the very thought that it got that far still sends shivers down my spine. I get nightmares about it.”
The officer’s lips quirked into a smile. “I’m sure.”
“I do,” I insisted, stomping my foot. “So you can see why such a blatant admonition from one of your guards, of all people, would send me into panic. I thought An Mozhi was safe!”
The officer held out a hand. “Rest assured, madam, it is. I do believe what you’re referring to was localized to a particular problematic neighbourhood, and it’s been taken care of, to my knowledge. Our own city watch may not be as rigid as Anzhao’s, but we do our best. In fact, we have some of Anzhao’s finest with us here right now. I believe they are giving us pointers on how we can improve our own system here.”
I blinked at him. “That’s not very impressive. If you have to take pointers from Anzhao—I knew it, Aggie, dear.” I all but yanked Agos’ arm out of the socket. “We should’ve gone to Kyan Jang. I don’t want to be murdered in my sleep.”
“Kyan Jang is, err, worse, to be honest,” the officer mumbled helpfully. “Madam, rest assured, An Mozhi is no less safer than a port city this side of the empire. Keep your wits about you and you’ll be fine.”
“You said Anzhao’s city watch is here.”
“I ah…believe so.”
“Since when?”
“A few weeks.”
“How long are they staying?”
He scratched his head. “I’m not exactly sure, madam. I’m not in a high enough position to be told—”
“Because I’m wondering what they’re doing here if they’re supposed to be keeping Anzhao safe,” I said. “You said they’re helping you improve your own watch?”
“Among other things.”
“Ah.” I crossed my arms. “I see.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I may inquire with the governor’s office, after all. It doesn’t look good when an officer can’t even tell a tourist what’s happening in his jurisdiction.”
It was now the officer’s turn to sweat. Rayyel would’ve probably pointed out how shameful it was that I was manipulating innocent people just carrying out their duties, but I rather enjoyed seeing the effect of rank without the title to back it up. My father liked to say that all you needed to do sometimes was to act like you belonged, like you were in charge, and most people will naturally follow. “I’m not really that high up,” the officer blurted out. “If you want, I can call my superior, but I’m not sure what he can tell you that I haven’t already said. If you think you really want to complain at the governor’s office, I can’t stop you, but…”
He trailed off at the sound of commotion in the street ahead. I narrowed my eyes and felt a rush of panic when I noticed Anzhao City’s flag perched on top of a covered litter in the distance. It was carried by servants dressed in Anzhao government livery.
“Make way for Governor Qun!”
I felt Agos grab my shoulder just as the guards stepped aside and the officer rushed forward to help pull the gates wide open. I heard the rustle of the servants’ footsteps, but couldn’t see them because Agos drew me in for a kiss.
“Agos—” I began, trying to shove him aside. I stopped when I realized what he was doing. With his head over mine, he was blocking my face from Qun’s view. His eyebrows quirked up as he pushed me back to the wall, hand on my cheek. I stiffened, aware of nothing but my racing heart. And then I
caught the shuffle of movement in the corner of my eyes and saw that the litter had stopped at the main door. Qun got out and clambered up the steps, the servants crowding behind him.
I pulled away from Agos to catch my breath. The kiss left me feeling light-headed and confused. I knew it was expected after nearly six years of being apart from my husband, but I couldn’t stop the guilt from seeping in over how easily I responded to his touch. I struggled for words. “That was sudden,” I managed to whisper.
“You said act,” Agos hissed back, with the faintest shadow of a smile on his face.
“That wasn’t acting. And warn me next time.”
“So you want a next time?”
I pushed at his shoulder, provoking a chuckle out of him. The frenzy caused by Qun’s arrival seemed to have distracted the guard officer from our conversation, and I took the chance to make a hasty retreat.
~~~
I didn’t take any lovers during my separation from my husband. Certainly I was tempted to, especially given the anger that seemed to be a constant in those days, and I had more than enough suitors arriving on my doorstep as soon as it was clear Rayyel wasn’t going to return. Nearly every province—apart from Bara—sent a representative, and at least five eligible men from minor but well-off clans came courting. I entertained them long enough to get the gifts, at least. Jewels, silk, and perfume did nothing for me, but it was hard to say no to the horses and the dogs, especially when they took such great pains to get ones that would catch my attention.
But I took no one to bed. Once or twice I may have allowed a fleeting kiss at the end of a long evening of banter, but my experience with men revolved solely around that one night with Agos and my brief marriage to my husband. I knew very little beyond that—nothing but glimpses of a world where passion was allowed and you didn’t have to go to battle for mere comfort. And anyway, it wasn’t as if I had the time. The demands of my position and my son left me little room for anything else.
The Ikessar Falcon Page 21