by Tara Brown
“Does that seem like the behavior of a nice guy?” He raised an eyebrow at me.
I shook my head. I looked at Shane and how hurt he was by my not only ignoring our conversation on the phone but also hanging out with another guy.
We never spoke again on the drive to my place, what with all the confusion on both our parts lingering about. My dad was at the door when we pulled up, “He was really worried Aimee.” His eyes burned down on me, “I was worried too.”
I nodded, “I know. Thanks for the ride Shane.” I leaned over to kiss his cheek but he turned his lips and pressed them into mine. It was my first kiss ever. He pulled me into him kissing me a little harder. I kissed him back, it was a soft but passionate kiss, exactly the way I had always imagined a kiss would be. My heart did a flip and then a flop. He put his hand on my lower back and pulled me into his chest crushing me slightly. I winced in pain from my side as I breathlessly pulled away.
“Think about what I said on the phone earlier Aimee.” His eyes were aflame with desire, I almost leaned in for another kiss but I knew my dad was observing this moment so I climbed out of the truck instead.
“Night Shane Thanks.” My dad waved as Shane waved back at him through my open door, “Night Mr. James. Night Aimee.” He didn’t smile, he didn’t need to, I knew what was racing through his mind because it was going through mine too.
I climbed the steps to my front porch and nodded to my dad, “Sorry dad. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
He put an arm around me, “I really like that kid.” His smile was expectant, I knew he wanted details but I shrugged, “He’s the best.”
My dad winced, “Ooouuuu poor Shane, he’s the best. That’s too bad he doesn’t know you don’t like him back. Do you?”
I didn’t have an answer; I collapsed onto the couch, “Daddy I don’t know what to do. A month ago I had no boys, I had my books and Blake. Now I have too many boys to pick from, a stalker, a new bff who is a total moron but I really love her, and I haven’t read a book in weeks and Blake, wtf dad. He’s dating Alise, which I get she’s hot but come on. She’s horrid.” Suddenly the memory came back, I remembered lying in the grass thinking how handsome Shane was telling him I didn’t get why he liked my sister. He was staring at me the way he did tonight. He was going to kiss me that night before Alise came stumbling out onto the grass cussing like a pig and tripping everywhere.
“Honey no amount of daddies you say, which we both know I love when you say it, will solve your problems. You need some separation and time. Your sister is not horrid Aimee that’s a cruel thing to say, she’s just extreme and passionate in everything she does.” He patted my head and went into the kitchen. I rolled my eyes at him.
I pulled a pillow over my face and screamed a little. I pulled the pillow off and sat up slowly still nursing my side which felt better than it had in ages even with Shanes’ forceful kiss, “you’re right dad I need Emma.”
He groaned, “No please anything but Austen.”
I shook my head walking over to where my moms’ movie collection sat, “Maybe you’re right, Sense and Sensibility. Marianne would have had a much better life if she had chosen wisely and picked Colonel Brandon over Willoughby. They had passion but it wasn’t enough and she nearly died. Whereas Colonel Brandon loved her enough from the beginning and if she had chosen prudently she would have been spared that pain.”
My dad sighed making us both an omelet, “When has the heart chosen wisely my dear. As a scientist I will say love is one thing for certain we will never understand, not fully.”
“You’re a big man admitting that you don’t completely understand the chemicals inside of us completely.”
He laughed, “I like that prejudice one better. I rather enjoy that Darcy fellow. He is a man after my own heart. Things seem simple with him. Can’t we watch that?”
I frowned at him over the couch, “No it has no bearing on my love life at this moment. Her situation with Darcy and Wickham is nothing like mine, neither of the boys I like are wicked like he is. Dad I have never had a love life, something has changed in me. I need to honor it with Austen and I think either Emma and the triangle with Frank Churchill and Mr. Knightly or Marianne, Brandon and Willoughby.”
He shook his head, “I liked you better when you were more like me and less like your mom.”
I stuck my tongue out, “Fine Sense and Sensibility then. Even you’ll cry.”
My dad carried in our plates of fruit and omelet’s into the living room while I set up the movie. We didn’t have a huge TV or a great surround sound system, we were fireplace and a good novel in hand sort of people.
I had never been a dramatic kid so for the first time to be enjoying being caught in a triangle I let go of the situation I was in and just enjoyed the movie with my dad who I believe might have even shed a slight tear toward the end.
Chapter Six - WHAT HOT GUY, OH RIGHT MY BOYFRIEND
School was boring the next day until my sister followed me into the bathroom, “Okay spill. Who is everyone talking about? Whose the hottie?” I had been leaning against the sink doing deep breaths trying to get past the side stitch I seemed to have constantly where my liver was located. I thought about what I had eaten for lunch and knew the salad couldn’t have been the issue. I was contemplating going to the doctor and upon hearing her voice I straightened harshly nearly dying from pain. I felt a small amount of sweat creep along my brow.
She started primping herself in the mirror. She was a wearing a tiny outfit I couldn’t quite classify, “Is that a mini dress?” I scowled at her ignoring her questions.
She held her arms out beaming like I had complimented it or cared about fashion for even a second, “You like it. I got it a few weeks ago but haven’t felt like wearing it but today felt like the right moment.” It was silver like her eyes and puffy at the bottom but super short showing off her long lean legs. It was a skirt and shirt, the shirt was pale pink over top of the same silver as the skirt, she had a jean jacket, strappy sandals, and a purple scarf on. The outfit was amazing but a little over the top for twelfth grade in a town that was famous for fishing and forestry.
I rolled my eyes at her looking at my plain blue jeans and grey three quarter sleeve cotton shirt, she grimaced, “Do you have to wear that kind of stuff out of the house. It looks like pajamas.” She plucked at my shirt leaving an indent in the cotton. I frowned at her and shook my head.
I washed my hands and pulled my lip-gloss out of my pockets, “Here use some of my lipstick.” She offered.
I shook my head backing away a little, “Uh no thanks. I know where your mouth has been firstly and secondly the last time you got to play west coast Barbie with me some freak tried to kill me. I’m good with plain gloss and its subtle hint of pink.”
She rolled her eyes at me, “God you are a drama queen. It was Giselle he was after not you. You just got in the way like always.”
I didn’t usually let her get to me but that hurt a little. I raised my eyebrows at her and started to walk away but she grabbed my arm, “Ok that was mean. Anyway who is this hottie you were spotted with?”
I pulled my arm out of her grip, “Some guy I met at the library. He’s working here for a few weeks, we were talking books, and you know, fellow nerd.”
She shook her head, “No not him the one you were at the café with. Everyone has been talking about him since yesterday. Who is that one?”
I sighed, “That’s him.”
She looked at herself again, “You know I like these geeks you hang out with. How are the geeks all hot?”
I shook my head and walked out of the bathroom, “See ya.” She still hadn’t apologized for dating Blake even when she had told me she wouldn’t so I had decided we didn’t need to be friends right that instant. I felt miserable and contemplated going back to the hospital to get them to check me out incase things were not healing the way we had assumed they would.
I walked from class hearing my phone going nuts again. I pulled i
t out and looked at the thirty-five messages I hadn’t read in the last few days. I looked at how many were from Blake, he was begging to talk to me. I bit the bullet and asked him to meet me at our math class right away.
I walked thinking about Shane and the great kiss and Aleks and the amazing walk on the pier and didn’t know which to pick. I wondered when either of them would see me for the little nerd I was and back out. Maybe they would both go and things would go back to normal. I didn’t want either of them to go but I felt my studies slipping as all I thought about was them. I still had no explanation for what was going on with Aleks and how it was I had seen him. It was frustrating to have this many questions without any answers. I was starting to feel like one of those girls who doodled her first name with the last name of the boy she liked instead of listening in class and learning. I shuddered at the thought.
I got to the class to find him sitting at the bench beside class in the hall.
Blake was wearing a t-shirt with a Jesus fish on it with legs and a tail, the Darwin symbol. I laughed when I saw him. He was bent over his ipad and smiling to himself.
“Guild chats?” I asked.
He smiled, “You know it. We are arguing about whether having an Allie character is traitorous.”
I laughed, “Absolutely but I will admit I did for scientific purposes once, I wanted to see where all their secrets were and what the starts were like.”
He nodded contemplating what I was saying and started typing again.
He closed the Ipad and put it in his backpack. He looked at me, “I need to tell you something and I need you to just listen to the whole thing before you slap me, leave and never speak to me again.
I nodded, “Sounds reasonable.”
He sat on the bench beside the class and put his head in his hands. I sat on the bench across the hall from him.
He sighed, clearly struggling with whatever he needed to say, “Look, the night of the party you and I went and sat in the sunroom at Shane’s house it was the make out room, kind weird. Anyway we were sitting there and you decided at that moment to tell me you loved me. I was shocked, I had no idea. I handled it badly because the truth was I had been in love with your sister forever. I didn’t feel the same way but I love you in a different way and when me and Alise break up which we both know will happen anyway I always thought you and I would still be friends.”
My jaw hung open the entire time he spoke, I panted slightly. I was humiliated and speechless. I had no idea how to respond to the conversation.
He continued, “I never would have acted on my feelings for her if I thought for a minute that you and I would stop being friends. I always thought you were in love with Shane. I saw the way you watched him, it was the same look I always got when I saw your sister. I thought maybe things with you and Shane would work out and we could all be friends but now I see that isn’t likely to happen. It’s my fault you went and drank with Giselle, it’s my fault you drank poison, it’s my fault that everything is the way it is.” He sighed still holding his face and unable to look at me.
I closed my mouth and pressed my lips together. I went to speak but chewed my bottom lip instead. I couldn’t comprehend all of this at this moment. I felt humiliated.
I felt my wall come up, I just couldn’t cope with anything else, “Blake you have been my best friend my whole life, I wasn’t in love with you like I thought I was. I don’t remember saying that to you but it makes sense now why I went and drank with Giselle. I am sorry I told you that because I am not sure we could ever come back from the place we are now. It’s not that you handled it badly or that everything is your fault, I don’t feel that way. But I don’t respect guys who love my sister, she is the opposite of everything that I am and want in my life. If you love her then you are a person I don’t know.” I would have stood and walked away but I couldn’t because my legs were stuck.
“Aims can you understand animal lust?” He whispered in desperation, his eyes were broken in a way I had never seen on his face.
I nodded, “Yup. I can now.”
He shook his head, “I’m a fraud and I know it but for once I want what the other kids have. I want to be part of the in crowd, I want to be liked. I’m tired of being that nerd. Your sister is beautiful and I want to have a beautiful girlfriend for once.”
His words stung, “I need to go, tell Mr. Milton I was sick okay.”
“You like Shane even though he dated your sister. Please forgive me Aimee.”
I ran down the hall before he could catch up with me and ran through the doors to the front of the school. I ran down the driveway and out onto the road. My side hurt a lot but I kept going. His words burned into my mind. I knew I was smarter and more confident than this fleeing crying girl I seemed to be pretending to be but I needed to be away from him.
I hated my sister so much. I walked to my mom’s spot and sat on the side of the road and looked at the mark I made in the tree. I clutched my side panting slightly. The pain had grown so much in the past few days. I wondered about going back to the doctor but I was terrified to go back. I knew he was going to tell me I needed to go to children’s with Giselle and be on the donor list.
I looked around me waiting for the wind to come.
I didn’t even know what to say to my mom, I just knew I needed her. Her wind was gone, “Mom please come back. I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Please don’t leave me now.” Everything hurt so much, my heart my side and even my head a little.
“Aimee?” I turned to see Aleks walking toward me. He looked concerned.
I started to cry, “I used to feel her here. She came and wrapped the wind around me. But she’s gone now, I was gone for too long and she left me.”
He sat on the ground beside me and wrapped his arms around me. His warmth pulled me into him as I sobbed. He rocked me slightly and smoothed my hair whispering, “It’s okay.”
I started to feel better, I seemed to relax around him and my body responded to his making all of the pains vanish. He was a stranger but somehow I felt closer to him than I had any other person in my life.
I shook my head; “It’s not okay because I’m not ready. I need her still.”
“Maybe she went to heaven Aimee. Maybe she is with the angels now.”
I shook my head, “No she was here for me for eight months and I almost never needed her but in the last month I have needed her more than ever and now she’s gone. Why now?”
Aleks never answered he just tried to soothe me while I tried to get my frustration’s out. I started to feel better, my chemical response to Aleks stopped my body from noticing my pain everywhere else.
“Aimee what are some things you need to ask your mom?”
I thought for a moment, “Why did you leave me?”
“How will I know how to be a woman without you?”
“What if I can’t remember what you look like in five years or I forget your smell?”
“What if I can’t get past this and I ruin the rest of my life?”
“Did you know you loved dad from the moment you met him?”
“Is safe love better than true love or are they the same thing sometimes?”
“I don’t know what I want to be anymore, I feel like if I choose sciences completely I will lose the part of me that is you.”
“Where did you hide the last jar of grandma’s pickled beets?”
He started laughing, “What?”
I snorted my face was so full of tears, “We made a promise that we would only eat them when we were together so she hid the jars so I couldn’t eat them without her. But before we got to eat the last one she died. I still can’t find it and my dad and I have scoured the house.”
Aleks laughed harder, “You are the most intriguing person I have ever met. Ready to move on and walk a little ways?”
I nodded, ‘your butt must be getting sore.”
He gave me the crooked grin, “It is actually, your weight and mine is too much to take on concrete.”
We walked along the roadside kicking rocks toward the ditch.
“Tell me about your mom.” I asked trying to distract myself, I felt foolish crying in front of him the way I had.
He smiled, “She was the most amazing mom ever, she made me feel loved every day. She was a very giving person. I only hope that I was able to be someone she was proud of. Now why were you so upset when I came upon you?”
I shook my head, “I think it’s like the feelings I’ve had over the last little while all coming to a head, like I am coming to the end of a long journey and I have to unpack from it.”
“That’s an amazing analogy. I like that about you, you’re able to articulate what it is you’re trying to say and then make a visual so the person listening gets a full picture of what you’re talking about.”