by Tara Brown
I had been abandoned.
Yes I had soiled his bed and yes I was absolutely humiliated by it, but how could he have been so cruel to me?
How could Shane agree with him?
How could Shane think that I needed to be committed and still have sex with me?
When I got out of the garage door I ran, I ran as fast as I could until I reached the old highway where our secret beach was. I ran down the old road to the trail. When I crossed the road into the thick forest I savored the cool feeling I got when I entered the trees. I didn’t feel afraid of the forest, which I wished had been from feeling invincible, but unfortunately was from a lack of care. If I died in the next five minutes I wouldn't feel sad for myself or anyone except my dad.
I ran along the trail barely seeing the greenery and trees as I made my way to the ocean. I could smell the salt and seaweed as I approached where the forest cleared and the trail ended. I ran down to the beach still feeling so angry with Blake and Shane but my head felt a little better from the run.
I walked along the small part of the sandy beach enjoying the feel of the sand under my sneakers. Slowly it turned to rocks, the usual west coast beach, and as the rocks got bigger it became more difficult to walk along. The slimy rocks were each like little condos for the crabs and other beach life. I remembered fondly being a small girl and lifting each of the rocks in an area to see the insects and crabs scurrying away from the light and whatever monster had hunted them down.
I smiled looking at a huge rock and remembering my sister helping lift the rocks that were much too large for one small child. We poked at the crabs with sticks gently until they clamped a pincher on a stick. Then we would run around with the stick and the crab. I couldn’t help but shake my head remembering the terrified crabs as we each ran up and down the beach. No amount of running would make them let go, they hung on until their little crab feet touched ground again.
I wished I had that ability to hang onto something with all of the force and strength I had. I wished I were able to stay on my stick no matter the amount of turmoil I was put through. Instead I sat on some driftwood far down the beach and looked out at the grey choppy waters. I had nowhere else to go. I wasn’t completely cold and I wasn’t comfortable. I missed Blake’s house already. I contemplated if the shoe were on the other foot if I would have tolerated this sort of madness from him and knew the answer. He had made the right choice. I thought about Shane and imagined him walking up the beach with open arms ready to believe my crazy story knowing we loved each other.
I imagined Aleks walking beside him with his head down needing my forgiveness and unconditional love even though his selfish behavior had cost me everything in my life. In a coldhearted moment I understood why the medicine man had cursed him as well.
Chapter Fifteen - CABIN FEVER WITHOUT THE CABIN IS CALLED INSANITY
I didn’t sleep and out of desperation I made a small campfire on the beach the old fashioned way. Rubbing dry sticks together actually did produce a fire. It was lucky my muscles never really cramped anymore because it took me forever with the slightly damp wood.
I didn’t know what to expect with the changes but I definitely expected more than the odd stomachache or random sweat. I started to wonder if I was ever going to change, or if this was it. I was stronger, faster, required very little to survive and didn’t need a lot of sleep. I was like a super being but without anything cool, my college years would be very cost effective at this rate. One meal a week and with no sleep required my grades would never take that initial dip everyone experienced.
I decided that if in three days nothing was different I would go home. I would tell my dad that I was cured and finish my school year on time.
Three days and counting was a tough way to think about life, I really had nothing to do in my spare time but think. I walked the beach in both directions, found neat tidal pools that contained all sorts of sea life, swam in the ocean, made fires and even built a small log cabin. That had taken most of the first day but I wasn’t a patient person anymore, I seemed restless now.
I thought about Shane, I thought about him non-stop. My body deceived my heart and ignored the fact he had betrayed me.
I thought about him nonstop regardless.
A couple with a small child, more than likely from Port Handley as I didn’t recognize them, walked the beach the morning of day two. They greeted me cautiously, I noticed I could almost smell them and something about them made me want to touch them. I stayed on my side of the beach to be careful. I wasn’t sure of anything about myself but I didn’t want to hurt anyone.
I watched them walk away from me but I couldn’t help fantasize about touching their arms, holding them close to me. I frightened myself with my quirky thoughts. I thought about Aleks and the conversation we need to have to distract myself but every thought turned to Shane, which in turn twisted into a thought about having S.E.X. with Shane.
I was going stir crazy thinking about him touching me. I wanted him, I wanted to touch him but mostly I wanted to do it again. I was having feelings I couldn’t explain.
At first I thought they had been ordinary sex thoughts that a person would have after doing it for the first time but then I realized I was obsessing. I felt more like a teenage boy than a prudish girl.
I felt the warm wind off the fire and tricked myself into believing Aleks was back but it had been a breeze off the sea.
I had driven myself nutty long enough and decided to bail on my plan of three days. I started to extinguish the fire by spreading out the logs of wood breaking it apart with my shoe. I used a large seashell I had found and grabbed water from one of the tidal pools and started to pour water on the fire when I saw movement behind me.
I turned to see Shane sitting on the log where I had been. I wanted to run to him but I stayed very still. I put the seashell down and waited for him to talk.
He never spoke just sat staring at the fire as if not realizing I was there. His face looked devastated.
I walked toward him lost in the fear I had imagined him.
“Shane are you really there?” I asked him feeling terrified he was dead like Jaime had been.
He nodded, “Yeah Aimee I am. I waited for you, you never came. Again you left me. I was pissed and I went to Blakes' and he told me everything he said.”
I felt anger inside myself brewing, I wanted to kill Blake suddenly. It felt like my anger was slightly exaggerated.
He lifted his face to meet mine, “I was so angry at him I drove everywhere looking for you, I just wanted to tell you the truth about what I think and whatever. I looked everywhere for you but I couldn't find you until I stopped to get gas and the old guy who sells his worms as bait there was telling Mike, the guy who owns the bakery how he would swear he saw the crazy James’ girl running on the highway by the trail here.”
He laughed and dragged a hand through his messy hair that I loved, “The funny thing about knowing someone for eighteen years Aimes is that you get to know certain things about them. I knew you would come to this beach.”
He looked angry with me for a reason I couldn’t place. I wondered what else Blake had told him since I had pretty much divulged everything. My stomach hurt thinking about the ways I had betrayed him and vice versa.
I trembled stopping dead in my tracks before I lashed out at him and waited for him to finish. I needed to calm myself before I spoke to him.
“I don’t know what to say.” He looked defeated, it made me sick.
I felt a trigger snap in my brain, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY? YOU CAME ALL THIS WAY TO TELL ME THAT? AFTER YOU TOOK MY VIRGINITY AND AGREED TO COMMIT ME IN THE SAME DAY, ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY? WHAT THE FUCK?”
He looked sick, “Aims, please. The story is just so crazy and you believe it.”
“Get away from me.” The words hurt me, they cut into my soul.
“Maybe there is something, you know like a tumor. Aims you’re living at the beach alone.”
He was pleading with me.
“I know that Shane, I know I’m alone. None of the fucking assholes in my life believe me.” I looked up at him, “Well except Aleks. I’m sure he’ll be here any minute. At least he hasn’t abandoned me.” It was a low blow, I knew that, I also knew Aleks wasn't coming and I was truly alone.
He flinched, I saw anger flash in his eyes, “What do you want me to do? Aimee what do you want? I will do anything?”
I challenged him, “Believe me.”
He slumped, “Aimee, there isn’t anything wrong with you that I can see. You seem fine to me, come home with me. I wish you’d just come to me in the beginning of all of this. I wish you’d trusted me. I hate the fact we've had all these secrets."
He stepped forward putting his hands over mine.
I hadn’t noticed the taste of him that lingered in the air but as he neared me and touched me, my skin became electric.
I wanted to go home, I wanted a shower, I wanted to trust him but I couldn’t trust myself, not yet. I felt every move he made in the air around me. It scared me.
He snatched his hands back, “Owe Jesus you shocked me.”
I felt my eyes flutter from the ecstasy of touching him.
“Go Shane.” I breathed heavily using all the restraint I had inside of me to stop myself from lashing out at him and enjoying the feel of him again.
“Blake told me you’ve been seeing that Aleks guy behind my back the entire time we’ve been seeing each other. Is that why you want me to leave?”
The words hung out in the air, they felt like a black hole taking everything good with them.
I didn’t fight with him because if I stopped fighting with myself I would lose control and suddenly I knew I would hurt him. My hands wanted to hold him.
He looked so hurt by everything, “Nothing to say? Well anyway I knew you were here and I just wanted to give you this.”
He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket.
His arm shook with rage as he held it out in the air for me, “Take the fucking letter you wrote me Aimee. I don’t want those feelings or memories because I know now that you’re just like your sister. You’re just like her.”
He walked toward me looking like he would hurt me.
He stood over me taking up all the space.
He loomed menacingly. I could hear his breath on the breeze.
He put the letter into my hands roughly, “Take the fucking thing Aimee. Just take it back, take it all back I want to be free of you.”
I flinched away from him so scared of what he would do next, tears poured down my face.
He looked at me like I was nothing more than a nuisance.
I let him back away before I whispered, “I love you.”
He turned away from me to walk down the beach, I wanted to stay frozen in my tracks but foolishly I ran to him as fast as I could, “Shane wait, please.” I grabbed his arm pulling him back to me.
The minute his skin came in contact with mine I felt it, I was pulling from him. He stood motionless as I filled up. The feeling was more joy than I had ever felt. I inhaled him through my hands somehow. I let go hurting myself as if cutting off a vein feeding me. He shivered suddenly and swayed like he drank too much or stood up suddenly. Afraid of touching him I backed away as he got his bearings.
He looked confused but turned away again leaving me standing on the beach alone.
I hated Blake in that moment, it was fleeting and immature but I couldn’t help myself, I didn’t move as I watched Shane get smaller and smaller. I felt cold and alone even though I the sun shone on me.
I blinked realizing he was gone, probably had been for some time. I had stood there for a very long time watching the place he had entered the forest leaving me forever. I knew I had made the wrong choice when I had met Aleks and losing Shane was more painful than losing Aleks. I had never realized that losing him meant losing the person I wanted to be and the life I wanted to have.
I turned and walked back to my campfire to stoke it for the night. I knew I would have to go home sooner than later and at that moment later sounded better.
The night was a cold one, even I felt the breeze coming off of the water.
I heard rustling in the woods and hoped it was a wolf or bear coming to attack me and leave me in the woods to die.
I realized suddenly I would never die.
I had foolishly drunk from a demon.
In my despair I must have fallen asleep in between the logs and rocks because I woke up feeling refreshed again. I didn’t know how long I had slept but the summer fog had come in thick. On the north coast the best way to tell when summer had hit was the fog, it rolled in every night at six and rolled out at eleven the next day. I was unable to see beyond a few feet in front of me, the fire was long gone out and cold even. I assumed I must have had one of those huge sleeps again. My hair was soaked from the mist in the fog and my fleece hung soaked on my shoulders. I curled my legs into me and waited for death to come and claim me.
After a very long wait I knew I was finished with this transition phase of my life and needed to either be an undead or to die or to just be what I was in this moment. I stood stretching my legs and arms.
I started the long trek back to the trail, it had been more than three days no doubt and I was ready to start my life all over again. I clearly wasn’t a threat to my family as long as I didn’t touch any of them. We had gone years without touching and it wasn't like I would have a boyfriend or any friends when I got there. I got to the sandy beach but stopped walking. A grey figure sat on the sand looking down. I could tell immediately it was Aleks. He looked bad, weak and exhausted which I knew was impossible.
I walked toward him but he never lifted his face.
“I forgive you for leaving me with Dorian.” I spoke quietly, I was defeated and tired of being alone.
He looked up, “Don’t forgive me. Never forget what I have taken from you.” His voice felt lost to me, I didn’t recognize it at all.
I walked to him getting lost in the beauty and stood between his legs. I wanted to hug him and cuddle into him, just as I always did when I saw him but I remembered the look on Shane’s face and knew I would never be able to get that memory out of my mind.
He raised his face and met my gaze, “I love you so much Aimee, it hurts so much to be away from you. I can’t bring myself to actually leave you.”
I dropped to my knees accepting that my fate was to be with him and even through it all a part of me loved him still.
I leaned into him, “Stay with me through this Aleks, I need you as much as you need me.”
I knew we were both alone in the world and I had spent more than enough time alone, okay it had been a few days but it was enough to drive me to insanity. It wasn’t a cruel fate resigning myself to being with him but it felt dirty. I was scared Shane was lurking around the woods watching me, seeing me snuggle into Aleks even though it was him I loved.
“I need answers Aleks.”
He hugged me burrowing his face into my neck.
He smelled me ignoring my statement, “I feel so much better when you’re with me.”
I couldn’t help but agree but I felt worried touching his skin. I kept my hands to cloth and tried not to think about what had happened with Shane.
“Dorian told me something about your dad, he said he had something to do with my moms death.”
His voice sounded hollow, “He did?”
“Yeah, I know your sick right now but I need you to tell me what that means.”
He smiled, “I’m fine Aimee, you can’t hurt me unless you leave me again.”
I smiled and cuddled into him, at least someone wanted to be with me.
He shook his head, “No more running away.” His voice still sounded hollow.
I slapped his chest; “The time where you get to dick me around and not share any secrets with me has past. I need and deserve at least the truth.”
He nodded exhaling harshly, “I know that bu
t I don’t know how to tell you. This is serious Aimee. You know how you always say Garden variety this and garden variety that? My curse was not one of those garden variety ones, my dad angered a man whose powers still are unmatched to this day.”
“No matter what I say please try to remember I love you.” He whispered into my ear.
I nodded and waited for some very serious answers to be laid out on the table.
He looked like he was trying to gather strength before he started to speak, I didn’t know what to say so I sat there in silence waiting.