by Holly Rayner
"But you convinced her?" Kathy guessed. He shook his head.
"I gave her up," he said. "More than that, I pushed her away. I wish I could say it was a selfless action, that I wanted her to be free, that I didn't want to force her to do anything she didn't want to. But it was more than that. I was angry. I felt betrayed by her resistance. I thought she didn't want to be with me because of my illness. I knew I could never give her the family or the life she wanted, and that I'd die and leave her a young widow. I was tying her to a sinking ship by trying to be with her. But all those years that she was my friend, I thought she was choosing me, choosing to face that uncertain future with me. When she refused, it felt like she was confirming all the most terrible things I'd ever thought about myself. That I could never make a woman happy. That I could never be worthy of love at all. So, I told her I didn't want her, anyway."
"That must have been awful," Kathy said, frowning.
"It was," he confirmed. "But it worked out. We'd known each other long enough that, after a little time for both of us to calm down, she realized why I had reacted that way. And I realized why she had chafed so much at the thought of a destiny she hadn't chosen. After all, I was trapped by my own inescapable future the same way. So, we started again, not as friends this time, but as courting lovers, deciding slowly and of our own accord whether we wanted to live our lives together. And as it turned out, we did. She knows I won't be here forever. But we're happy to spend as much of our lives together as we're given."
"Now I know your poetry is beautiful," Kathy said with a smile. "There's no way it couldn't be."
"Are you flirting with me?" Shadaf teased. "What a scandal!"
"I guess you'll just have to fight Tehar for my hand," Kathy said with a laugh.
"And you'll fight Khalila for mine, I assume," Shadaf said with a sage nod. "Do you think I can convince Tehar to compete in a battle of wits?"
"What's all this?" Khalila asked, returning in the midst of their laughter.
"Just discussing how I plan to steal her from Tehar," Shadaf replied with a wink.
"I need to duel you apparently," Kathy added.
"I'll get the sabers," Khalila said without hesitation. "Do you want to do it in the garden beneath the jasmine blossoms or on the roof in the rain?"
Kathy just laughed harder, unable to answer.
Kathy spent a week that way, Shadaf and Khalila keeping her company. She barely saw Tehar during that time. She'd glimpse him on occasion, leaving a room just as she entered it. But he spent most of his time outside of the house, ostensibly working with the lawyers.
Every day that he continued to avoid her, Kathy felt the weight in her chest grow heavier. Even Shadaf and Khalila's reassurances were beginning to wear thin. Every night at dinner, she continued to refuse to eat, waiting for Tehar to arrive. She would stay at the table for at least an hour after everyone else had left before giving up and going to bed. It was a hollow gesture, more to prove her dedication to Basira than anything else.
Khalila saw to it that she ate extra at lunch and often left fruit or pastries in her room for when she finally gave up and went to bed so she wasn't going hungry, not really. But part of her did hope, every night, that this might be the night he finally came.
So, when are you coming home? Tessa texted her one night as she sat at the dining table, long after everyone else had left. You've been there a week now.
I don't know, Kathy wrote back. I still haven't talked to Tehar about what to do. He's barely spoken to me since he picked me up at the airport. I honestly don't know what's going to happen. And his mother hates me.
Maybe you should just give up, Tessa suggested. If he wants to be part of this decision, he can come to you. You've already gone above and beyond.
No, I can't do that, Kathy tried to explain. I'll wait for him. As long as it takes.
Why? Tessa asked. Are you in love with him?
The idea actually shocked Kathy for a moment. She shook her head, dismissing the feelings that bubbled up within her at her friend’s question.
That's not what this is about, she wrote back.
Then what is it about, Kathy?
Kathy wasn't sure she had an answer for that. She put her phone back in her pocket and stood up. She'd answer Tessa once she was upstairs in bed. Her back hurt from sitting in the dining chair for so long.
She stumbled back towards her room, her thoughts preoccupied, and soon realized she'd gotten turned around. The halls were dark and the house too large to be at all reasonable. She must have missed a turn. She cursed and doubled back, hoping she'd end up back somewhere she recognized.
As she squinted her way along through the dark hallways, the sound of voices caught her ear. She moved towards them curiously. There was a furious argument happening in a first-floor sitting room. She could hear a familiar voice, a woman's shouting in Arabic, occasionally answered in angry snaps by a male voice that, after a moment, she recognized as Tehar.
Kathy tiptoed closer, seeing the door to the sitting room open. Basira was standing in front of her son, gesturing angrily as she shouted. Tehar's arms were crossed over his chest, his replies impatient and dismissive. She could tell he was angry, but refusing to rise to Basira's bait.
Finally, he said something that even Kathy could tell was rudely sarcastic. Basira stared at him in shock for a moment, then slapped him across the face, hard. He stared at her, wide-eyed, as she turned and swept out of the room. She shoved the door open so abruptly that Kathy was pushed behind it. She passed by so close to Kathy that she could see the angry tears in the other woman's eyes, but Basira didn't see her.
Slowly, Tehar sat down on the coffee table, touching the red welt on his face where his mother had struck him. Kathy waited until Basira had disappeared down the hall before she stepped out from behind the door. Tehar looked up at the sound, and she saw a flash of shame on his face before he shut it down and looked away.
"What was all that about?" she asked.
"You," Tehar answered flatly.
"I figured." Kathy shrugged, took a deep breath, and sat down on the table next to him. She half expected him to get up and leave, but he stayed. "You okay?"
"It was only a slap," Tehar said. "I'll survive."
Kathy shrugged, letting it go.
"She's never hit me before," he continued. "I've never seen her hit anyone like that."
"I guess I really upset her," Kathy said, rueful. He shook his head.
"No, it isn't you," he said. "Not really. I've disappointed her. I thought doing well in business would be enough to please her, to excuse me from the duty of a wife and heirs. But I was wrong."
Kathy hadn't expected him to be so honest, and she was briefly relieved that he was, for once, not so closed off.
"So, you've been against marrying from the start?" she guessed. He nodded.
"I've seen my brother and my cousins and uncles married off for prestige or fortune," he said. "Many of them miserably so. Even Shadaf and Khalila. They may be happy now, but there was so much anger and bitterness there at first. I didn't want to be trapped like that."
"I know the feeling," Kathy said, recalling her parent's unhappy marriage.
"She wants me to throw you out," Tehar said, frowning at the shadows on the opposite wall rather than looking at her. "She says I'm a coward for not dealing with you by now. Maybe she's right."
"You have been avoiding me," Kathy agreed. "Listen, I don't care if you throw me out when we're done. I just want to talk about this. When I make the decision about what's going to happen to this baby, no matter what that decision is, I want to know that you're behind me."
She reached for his hand and saw his eyes rise to meet hers at last, full of conflicted pain.
"I just don't want to be alone in this," she said.
"You don't know how hard you make this for me, do you?" he asked, his voice strained. He reached for her slowly, like something was holding him back, and his fingertips just barely grazed her ch
eek. "The problem isn't that I want to leave you alone."
She felt her breath catch as his hand slipped into her hair, pulling her gently closer. She moved into his touch without thought or hesitation, and when his lips met hers, warm and demanding, she knew that was what she'd been waiting for all this time.
As she kissed him back, he held her tighter, devouring her with a desperate hunger. He must have been waiting as well. And longer than her. She was starting to understand why he'd pulled away. They'd both been fighting this, and losing the fight. For once, Kathy was happy to lose.
They separated to breathe, their foreheads touching as they both struggled to find their composure. Kathy was shivering, wanting to continue at the same time that she knew they could not.
"I'm not going to throw you out," Tehar said, surprising her. She opened her eyes to stare into his, shaken by the depth of feeling there. "I don't care what Basira says. You're welcome to stay here as long as you want. Until the baby is born, if you like."
"Really?" Kathy would have thought, with how hard he was fighting his desire for her, he would have wanted her gone as soon as possible. "I don't want to be a burden."
"I want you to stay," Tehar said honestly. "With everything that's happening with Mitchell, I worry you wouldn't be safe in Miami. It's your decision, but you have a home here as long as you want it."
"And what about this?" Kathy asked, indicating their current situation, currently inches from each other, their arms around one another. "What are we to each other? I don't know what to expect from you anymore. If it's just business, that's fine. I'll schedule meetings with you and we'll avoid each other. But if we're more than that…"
"Which do you want?" Tehar asked, staring into her eyes. "Do you know what you want?"
Kathy had to look away, unable to face that stare. Did she know what she wanted? Part of her was still dead-set on keeping this impartial, on returning to her career, on avoiding the trap of connection her father wanted to force her into. The other part of her just wanted Tehar and didn't care what else it took to be with him.
"That's all right," Tehar said as she fell silent, unable to answer. "I don't know either."
He lifted her face to his and gently pressed a kiss to her forehead. He lingered there, holding her for just a second longer, then pulled away. He left the room without looking back.
Kathy sat there for a while after he was gone, still turning the problem over in her mind, but she couldn't find a solution. She wanted him, but she needed her career just as badly. It was too big a part of her life and identity to just give up. Did she have it in her to give up him instead?
She went to bed without a proper answer, and the next morning she thought she might have dreamed the late night encounter, because once again Tehar was nowhere to be found. Has he made his decision then? she wondered.
She spent the day with Shadaf and Khalila, restless and frustrated though they did their best to improve her mood. It didn't help that she'd woken up nauseous again. The nausea had been off and on since her arrival. Strong smells, like nearly all of the food made there, tended to set her off. It was beyond aggravating, and she had a feeling it would only get worse.
That night at dinner she took no food, more out of habit than anything else, her thoughts on her predicament and her churning stomach. She almost didn't notice when everyone at the table suddenly stopped, looking up at the door. When she turned in that direction as well, she saw why.
Tehar cleared his throat, looking mildly embarrassed.
"Good to see you cousin," Shadaf said warmly, recovering before everyone else. "Come and sit down. We saved a seat for you."
Tehar smiled gratefully at his friend, then moved to take the seat beside Kathy.
"It's a relief to finally be able to serve you, honored guest," Shadaf said, heaping food onto Kathy's plate. Kathy forgot her stomach entirely, too elated suddenly to worry about such things. She thanked Shadaf, but it was hard to take her eyes off of Tehar, who smiled, a little sheepishly, as he prepared his own plate. Maybe he hadn't made his decision yet after all.
Chapter Twelve
Kathy told Tessa she'd be staying until the baby was born, and Tehar set her up with an incredible doctor. March tumbled into April seemingly overnight.
Kathy was restless, not used to spending so much time not working on anything. She set herself to learning Arabic for something to do. Shadaf and Khalila were eager teachers, though even they could not quite keep up with her need to not just study, but throw herself into things bodily and not stop until she'd mastered it.
With Tehar, things were a stranger and more delicate situation. Neither of them really knew what they wanted their relationship to be yet, but they both knew they didn't want to stay away from each other.
It led to a peculiar semi-avoidance where they took any chance, when others were present, to sit near each other, to exchange thoughtful, warm glances. But as soon as they were alone, they scrambled to separate, to maintain that crucial distance. They danced around one another, trying to have their cake and eat it too, and instead having neither.
Neither wanted to commit to a romantic relationship, or more specifically to the idea of family that seemed to be implicit in it, but neither could they give up and disengage entirely.
The tipping point finally came in late April. Khalila and Shadaf invited them both into the city to a historical theater where an internationally renowned ballet troupe was performing. Kathy didn’t know much about ballet, but she hadn’t been out of the palace since she’d arrived and she wanted to see more of Abu Sadah.
Khalila loaned her a beautiful abaya made of light, draping fabric with panels of embroidered flowers and beading. It was surprisingly lovely, which Kathy hadn’t really thought such a modest garment could be. Khalila’s was edged in gold lace which came together over her chest in a breastplate like delicate armor. In comparison, it was the men for once who seemed plain.
They piled into the town car together and Kathy tried not think about how close she was pressed against Tehar in the back seat.
“I got us reservations at the most fantastic restaurant in town,” Shadaf said while the driver loaded his wheelchair into the trunk. “Some of the most beautiful French fine dining I’ve ever experienced.”
“You still haven’t let me take you to that place in Miami,” Tehar replied. “Kathy and I went for our first…the first time we talked.”
Kathy heard the brief hesitation in his voice. He’d almost called it a date. Had it been a date? Was tonight a date as well? Once again, the ambiguity of what they were to each other left Kathy in frustrated confusion.
The restaurant Shadaf had chosen really was amazing. They ate themselves silly on fine French haute cuisine and talked casually about whatever came to mind, surrounded by the restaurant’s shimmering air of luxurious fantasy.
Kathy tried not to think of anything but enjoying herself, but she couldn’t be in Tehar’s presence without thinking about their situation. As they drove from the restaurant to the theater, she struggled to keep up with the conversation, her thoughts far away. She knew Tehar noticed.
The play was La Sylphide. Though it was beautiful, Kathy didn’t think she would have been able to follow the story at all without the description in the program. A beautiful sylph falls in love with a young man who, though he is engaged to a human girl, chases after the sylph anyway. But it was obvious from the start they could never be together, she thought, as she watched the man chase the sylph as his fiancée chased him and his best friend chased her. They were from completely different worlds. It would have to end in tragedy.
Sure enough, as act two rolled around, Kathy felt her heart sink lower as a cruel witch tricked the young man into binding the sylph with a scarf. Though the witch promised it would let the sylph stay with him, all it did was burn off her wings and kill her. Then the young man died too, of a broken heart, both of them punished for wanting something they could never have. Kathy excused herself to the bat
hroom, unsettled.
Tehar was waiting when she emerged.
“Are you all right?” he asked. “You’ve been quiet all evening.”
Kathy glanced down the hall, looking for Shadaf and Khalila.
“They’ve gone to the car to wait for us,” Tehar explained. “Shadaf was feeling tired.”
“You’re breaking the rules,” Kathy said, looking at him seriously.
“Maybe I’m not interested in following them,” he said in a low voice that sent shivers across Kathy’s skin as he stepped closer, his hands sliding around her waist.
It would be so easy to let him push her back into the deserted ladies room, to melt into the heat of his kisses and forget her worries. But she shook her head. Despite how much she undeniably wanted to fall into his arms right then, she didn’t want to deal with the guilt or frustration that would come later. He stepped back when she pushed him away, though she could see how much he wanted to do anything but.
“We can’t keep doing this,” she said. “I’m not just going to be someone you want around when it’s convenient and ignore when it’s not.”
“But you don’t want me to be anything more than that either,” Tehar finished for her, the frustrated bitterness in his voice clear.
“No,” Kathy said, putting a hand to her head. “I don’t know. I want you, I just… I want myself too. I want the life I wanted for myself before you. I don’t know what I want. The things I want don’t work with each other anymore.”
“You know I feel the same way,” Tehar replied, his expression grim.
“So, what do we do?” Kathy asked, throwing her hands up. “Do we just keep circling each other like this forever? No offense, but that sounds incredibly unsatisfying.”
“We both want the same thing,” Tehar said. “Not to be trapped or tied to each other. Not to be forced to give up our lives to be with each other.”
He stepped closer to her again and touched her cheek, his fingers sliding into her hair.